“Look, I didn’t come here to talk about us. There is no you and me, Sarah. I came here to talk about Bethany.”
Her piercing eyes glower at me, reminding me of the girl I used to know. The dark side she keeps hidden is never far from rearing its ugly head.
“What about her?” She seethes.
“She’s who I’m with now, I love her, Sarah. You deserve to know the truth and that’s why I’m here. If you still think there’s a chance you and I will ever get back together, you’re wrong. I’m not yours, I never was. My heart, mind, body and soul belong to her and I think its time you heard that from me.”
I prepare myself for the onslaught of Sarah’s rage but she remains silent. I feel a sharp stab of guilt as my confession results in even more tears. She normally wears plenty of make-up but today her face is bare, revealing the softness underneath her hard exterior. I can’t bear to see a girl cry and every single instinct in my body wants to offer her some comfort. However, I know I’ll only be leading her on if I show her even a scrap of affection.
“You can’t love her; you’ve only known her for a few weeks. Unless…”
“What?”
“How long have you really known her? Were you seeing her behind my back?” She whispers incredulously.
“That’s not true; I didn’t cheat on you with anyone. I never have.” I reply calmly.
“Wow, I’ve been so stupid! I bet you’ve been screwing her the whole time and I’ve been too thick to realise. I thought you were grieving for our baby when you’ve been fucking her all this time!” She screams at me, tugging on her long blonde hair in torment.
“I wasn’t the one who fucked around! That was you, Sarah! I caught you screwing someone else just three weeks after you lost our baby! How could you do that to me? How could you do it to yourself? That baby was the one good thing in my life, the one thing I’d done right!”
I stand up from where I’m sitting, wanting to put some distance between us. Her insinuation really got to me, how could she say such a thing? The insinuation that my misery over the last few months has all been an act is unforgivable. Her cruelty is one of the reasons I can’t handle being around her anymore, she’s just a raw and extremely painful reminder of the jerk I used to be, the mistakes we both made and the devastating consequences of our so called relationship.
“I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have said any of that.” She mutters, coming up behind me and grabbing hold of my arm, forcing me to turn around and look at her.
“God, this still fucking hurts.” I murmur, closing my eyes against the torturous pain and grief that’s threatening to break through the emotional armour I permanently shield myself with.
“I never should have slept with anyone else. It was wrong but I’m not the only one to blame for what happened between us. As soon as I found out I was pregnant you changed, Jake. I just wanted someone to want me for me. You only wanted me because of the baby.”
I freeze, opening my eyes to face her. I can scarcely breathe and wonder if I actually heard her correctly.
“Were… were you sleeping around whilst you were pregnant?” I ask disbelievingly, praying that it’s not true.
When she refuses to answer me and averts her gaze to the floor, I have my answer.
“Jake, I’m so sorry.” Her sapphire eyes are brimming with tears, begging me to accept her apology.
I no longer feel a single ounce of sympathy for the cold-hearted girl I once swore to stand by. All I feel for her is disgust, revulsion and hatred.
“Tell me it’s not true.” I tell her, closing the small gap between us, staring her down with the venomous contempt and malice I feel for her now.
“It’s true.” She trembles, refusing to look me in the eyes.
I can hardly bear to look at her myself; the sight of her makes me feel sick, sick to my fucking stomach. I exhale loudly and turn away from her. I need to stay calm, I need to remain in control and think rational. I try to focus on regulating my erratic breathing, hoping it will distract me from the overwhelming urge I have to punch something.
“Who?” I demand, my anger is so immense, I feel like a volcano is about to erupt inside my head.
She doesn’t answer my command and this enrages me even further. I spin around; grabbing her shoulders, directing my hate-fuelled, unforgiving stare upon her quivering form.
“What does that matter?”
“It fucking matters!” I roar, circling her wrist and slamming her backwards against the wall.
I have never before in my life been so tempted to hurt a woman. I close my eyes, desperately searching for something to quieten the chaos going on inside my head. It doesn’t work. The thought of what she just told me tips me over the proverbial edge. After everything that’s taken place in the past twenty-four hours, I’m really close to losing my fucking mind. The unwelcome, repulsive image of Sarah fucking nameless, faceless men behind my back whilst my baby was still inside her is horrifying. Of its own accord, my fist collides with the wall behind her. The excruciating agony is torturous. The lacerations from last night are nowhere near healed and the wounds tear open, another reminder of the acute pain I experienced last night.
“I don’t know how many!” She wails, covering her face with her hands.
“You don’t know? How can you not know how many dicks you had inside you?!” I growl menacingly, looming over her cowering frame, our faces just centimetres apart.
“I wasn’t happy, Jake. I didn’t want to have a baby, I only wanted you! I’m not stupid; I knew how you felt about me. You were only with me because of the baby; do you know how that made me feel? I felt unwanted; I didn’t have your love or your attention. I found it elsewhere and that was wrong but can you really blame me?”
“I can’t believe this, it can’t be true.” I groan, raking my fingers over my face.
I feel like I’m trapped in one twisted, sociopathic nightmare, one which I would give anything to wake up from. My breathing is ragged, my heart is pounding and my stomach is churning. I’m repulsed by her confession; it feels like a knife has been plunged into my heart. It’s not the fact that she cheated on me, it’s about her being pregnant whilst she did it. I thought it was bad enough her sleeping with someone else so soon after she lost the baby. Now I find out she was at it the whole time, subjecting herself and degrading my child in the process.
“I’m not proud of what I did but you’re hardly blameless in this, Jake. You wouldn’t come near me; you were so scared of hurting your precious baby! I just wanted things to go back to how they used to be.”
“So it’s my fault?” I ask, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
“No! I’m just saying that there were reasons why I did it.”
“I was treating you with respect! I was being careful with you because you were pregnant and that somehow makes me a bastard?” I yell, causing her to shrink away from me.
“I’m not saying that but you didn’t want me, did you?” She accuses me, shoving her finger in my chest.
“I don’t believe this. That was my baby, Sarah. My fucking baby and you didn’t even care. Why did you do it? What did I do that was so terrible?” I glare at her, hoping to transfer some of the affliction and misery that I feel onto her.
“I’m sorry.” She mutters feebly, hanging her head.
A horrifying thought suddenly occurs to me, it causes an effusion of rage to flare up inside me.
“Is that what caused you to miscarry?” I ask, barely capable of uttering the words. It’s unthinkable.
“No, of course it wasn’t.” She shakes her head vehemently, forcing her brimming eyes to release their tears.
“You don’t fucking know that!”
“Jake, please don’t say that.” She begs me.
“That baby’s blood is on your hands.” I say darkly, inhaling sharply before I turn away from her.
I ignore her hysterical pleading, slamming her front door behind me as I walk away, leaving the darkness and into the light.<
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Chapter Twenty One
Sarah
I race over to the window and watch him leave. He slams my door on his way out and doesn’t look back. I realise in dismay that this is it. It’s all over. He’s finally walked away from me. I fall to my knees and the sobbing starts. I’m gasping for air and I no longer have the strength to stand. I used to think that I didn’t need anybody; I put myself first and never concerned myself with anyone else and then I met Jake.
I crave the feeling of his arms around me; I used to feel so safe. I can’t help but wonder if he holds like he used to hold me. Does he make it his priority to make her feel safe? I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the thoughts that are going to make me go crazy. I can’t think about the two of them together. It will destroy me.
I really didn’t expect to meet her last night. For weeks I’ve been torturing myself trying to find out who she is. Jake refused to tell me anything and I had no idea who he was seeing. The only reason I went to Jake’s house last night is because I was hopeful he would actually be there. He’s all I can think about; even when I’m asleep he still manages to invade my dreams, he’s on my mind twenty four hours a day and I can’t do a thing about it. I never realised how lucky I was, I took him for granted and now I want him back.
Jake was the perfect boyfriend; he’s thoughtful, kind, protective, loyal and absolutely gorgeous. He’s the type of gorgeous that makes you stop and stare, wishing he would just glance at you and give you a second look. I’m not stupid; I know how hard it is to find a guy like that. I had Jake and I lost him, that’s how badly I screwed things up. I remember how terrified I used to be when we when we were together, the idea of him leaving me filled me with dread. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a blind panic, fearful of the day he would tell me he didn’t want to be with me anymore.
I knew his interest in me was dwindling and I also knew I had to do something about it before it was too late. Jake and I used to be so great together, the chemistry between us was indescribable and no man has ever been able to make me feel so alive. I’d be marked by his fingerprints for days after we had sex; things were always so passionate between us.
Maybe I’m a masochist because I used to get a real kick out of seeing the bruises Jake had left on my body after he fucked me. I got a perverse satisfaction out of knowing I was the envy of every girl I knew. Every single one of them would give their right arm to be with Jake. It was so entertaining for me to witness the jealousy on their faces whenever I would drag Jake upstairs to one of the bedrooms at a lame house party. I wanted the whole world to know that he was mine and it was such a huge turn on for me to know every single bitch glowering at me was wishing she was in my shoes.
Jake would still be mine if it weren’t for that boyfriend-stealing little bitch I confronted last night. Jake and I were incredible together and we still could be if it weren’t for her. I refuse to believe that we’re over. He’ll get bored of her eventually and come straight back to me, he just has to. What the hell does she have that I haven’t? I remember how innocent and immature I thought she looked when I first approached her, it infuriated me to see how oblivious she was to who I am. For weeks I’ve been in a constant state of torment over this girl and the fact that she had no fucking idea who I was made my blood boil.
I could handle Jake sleeping around with lots of women, I could handle him using someone for sex but I can’t deal with him falling in love. I just can’t. I curl my fists, digging my fingernails into the palms of my hands, wanting to experience a physical pain rather than the emotional turmoil I’m going through. I’ve never hated anybody as much as I despise that girl. She’s taken everything from me and I won’t rest until I make her feel her hurt the way I am now.
I’d heard there was going to be a party at Jake’s house and I couldn’t resist. I had to go. I had to see him and nothing was going to stop me. The last time I had seen Jake he told me to stay away from him but the temptation was too strong, I couldn’t deny the yearning I had to see him again and I was determined it was going to happen.
I was so incredibly nervous the whole time I was there. There was no sign of Jake but I knew he would eventually make an appearance; he usually turns up if things start to get out of hand. The party seemed pretty mellow so I was starting to worry in case he wasn’t going to show up at all. I was growing impatient, wondering where he was and if he was with her. I instinctively knew that he was and this angered me even further. I decided to drown my sorrows and get drunk instead, hoping it would numb the pain and the rejection I felt from being ignored by him for so long.
Jake has distanced himself from everybody we used to know and associate with and I knew a lot of people were pissed by his recent rejection of us all. I was sitting on the wall in the back garden all by myself, contemplating what my next move should be when my friend Natalie hurried over to me. She told me she had seen Jake outside talking with a girl she didn’t recognise and I knew it had to be her. The girl who had been tormenting me for weeks was right outside and I knew that nothing was going to stop me from confronting her. I wanted to see the girl I was in competition with, I wanted to see what she had that I didn’t.
I waited outside until Jake entered the house, he went straight up the stairs (probably to check on the whereabouts of his sisters) and as soon as I saw he was alone, I slipped out the front door. I asked my friend Natalie to come with me; we aren’t that close anymore but I felt like I needed some moral support. I also wanted to intimidate and frighten the mysterious girl I was about to challenge and I knew Natalie would back me up.
We made our way outside, searching for the girl Jake foolishly left alone out here. I had no idea what she looked like and my eyes searched the crowd, thinking my intuition would somehow let me know who she was as soon as I set eyes on her. I have to admit I was shocked by her appearance when Natalie pointed me out to her. She’s just so… plain. Her clothes were unspectacular and boring, she was devoid of any make-up and if I’m being honest, she’s nothing like I imagined. I’ve known Jake for a long time and he’s never bothered himself with girls like her before. She didn’t have a glamorous bone in her body and I struggled to see what the hell Jake sees in her.
I suppose it didn’t take me too long to realise that there was something about her. She’s not what you would call a conventional beauty but she did have this indescribable aura of purity about her. I suppose some guys are into the whole virgin thing and in a way that made her more of a threat to me than I first thought.
I knew it would only be a matter of time before Jake came back outside to check on her so I knew my destruction of her would have to be brutal and quick. I taunted her by revealing all the gory details of my relationship with Jake; it was strangely satisfying to see the look of horror on her face when she found out about my pregnancy. I wasn’t sure if Jake had filled her in on our sordid past but I was thrilled to find out he hadn’t, he’s been keeping her in the dark with regards to his old life and the part I played in it.
When I made the assumption about her being a virgin before Jake it was complete speculation. I was really hoping it wasn’t true but as soon as I saw the humiliation on her face I knew it was true. It felt I’d been punched in the stomach, the knowledge that Jake had taken a girl’s virginity was devastating for me and the jealousy coursing through my veins was indescribable. It was in that moment I decided to destroy her and every little ideology she had in her head about her and Jake. I was going to annihilate her and cause her to suffer unbearably.
To accomplish this I knew I had to tell her everything. I told her about the miscarriage and I also lied that I had known about her all along. I said Jake simply wanted the experience of being with a virgin and that’s why he chose her. I wasn’t sure if she would believe me but I was quick to spot the small flicker of doubt in her eyes and this encouraged me to embellish my story even further. She had no idea who to believe and I used her weakness to my own advantage.
I’m abruptl
y brought back to the present by the sound of a car alarm going off outside. I struggle to pull myself up from the floor, making my way into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water, even though I could really do with something stronger right now. I force myself to drink it, determined to get a grip and take control of my behaviour. This isn’t like me. I’m stronger than this and nothing will be solved if I carry on like this. I wipe away my tears, disgusted with myself for allowing them to fall in the first place. Crying is the greatest sign of weakness and I chastise myself for not following my own rule about showing my vulnerability.
I clench my fists in anger, remembering the expression on her face when I guessed that Jake had been her first. Her embarrassment and shame only confirmed my worst fears and now I have to deal with the fact that I’m all alone. The only person I care about in the whole world has been stolen from me but there’s nothing I won’t do to win him back.
Jake was the one who took my own virginity several years ago and it’s always been something I’ve held dear and cherished. It was a life-changing moment for me because I was already head over heels in love with Jake and I know it wasn’t a decision he made lightly. Jake’s a good guy and he would never have sex with a girl if he thought that it would somehow screw with her head or leave her feeling hurt. He’s considerate and has always made his feelings known before venturing into any sort of sexual relationship with anyone.
I’ve always had a thing for Jake. We’ve been friends since we were kids but I always knew he never saw me as anything more than that. For as long as I can remember Jake has been open and upfront about his promiscuity and his unwillingness to commit to anyone. It killed me having to watch him go with so many women, his meaningless encounters all blur into one and I’ve actually lost track of the amount of his sexual conquests.
I used to look away whenever I saw him with another girl; the need to scratch her eyes out was so strong. I knew I’d never get Jake by throwing myself at him, I had to be patient. I decided long ago that I would play the long game and wait for him to notice me. I fought the internal struggle going on inside of me for years, knowing that if I wanted to win the ultimate prize, I had to be forbearing.
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