I’ve just got off the phone with Bethany and walk into the bathroom so I can switch on the shower. The last thing I want to do is go out on a date tonight but the least I can do is explain things to Lucy in person. She deserves to know that none of this is her fault and I really need to apologise to her face to face. I realise that having sex with her last weekend wasn’t the most admirable thing I’ve ever done and I’m pretty sure she’s going to give me a hard time for it. What can I say? I’m a guy and sometimes I choose to behave like one, I’ve had one night stands, sexual relationships and drunken mistakes but I’ve never intentionally lead a girl on before. I didn’t mean to do so with Lucy and that’s why I want to try and explain things to her as sensitively as I can.
Standing underneath the shower’s steady stream of water, I start to reflect on the phone call I’ve just had with Bethany. I swear to God, hearing her voice and listening to her consider ending things between us before they’ve even started tore me apart. I need that girl and nothing in this world is going to stop me from having her. I didn’t think for one moment that she’d call me so soon, I didn’t actually think she’d contact me at all and that’s why I was so thrilled when she called.
All of that changed when she told me she was feeling guilty. I came close to a full on meltdown when she told me that, panic-stricken by the idea that she had actually considered ending things between us before they’ve even started. I knew I had to come up with something to change her mind or she would walk out of my life forever. Bethany knows that my feelings for her run so much deeper than she would like but she also knows that I would never force her into anything she’s not ready for. If she needs me to put my own feelings aside for her right now and concentrate on being her friend, then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I know she’s pregnant with someone else’s baby and I really shouldn’t be pursuing her like this but I just can’t help it. It’s out of my control. She’s all I seem to think about now and I almost feel like I did when we were in college. She’s still unattainable and I still don’t give a shit. I want her, I have to have her and I’m determined to make her mine.
The extraordinary thing is… I was actually starting to accept the fact that I would probably never see her again. I was finally coming to terms with it and then I had to go and bump into her. I want her so much, I can scarcely breathe when I’m around her, I’ve never felt anything like this before and I’m certain I never will again. I’ve met hundreds of girls since I started Uni and none of them could make me feel like this. They don’t torment me and invade my dreams; they don’t capture my breath and make me forget my own name. They don’t affect me and I don’t crave their presence, they’re ordinary and Bethany is so much more than that.
I was ecstatic when she first agreed to take my number, especially when she promised me she would call. It broke my fucking heart when that didn’t happen. For several weeks I waited for her to get in touch with me. I cursed myself for not getting her number and despised that bastard boyfriend of hers for interrupting such a private moment between us. It was obvious he wouldn’t be supportive of any sort of friendship between us and I knew he was the reason behind her silence.
I’ve dreamt about her so many times since that night, I lie awake and imagine what it would feel like to actually be with her. She’s always been beautiful but I can’t help but notice that she’s really blossomed since we were at college. She still has this astonishing and indescribable innocence about her which I find really fucking sexy. It’s what attracted me to her in the first place and it turns me on to think of all the ways I could defile it.
The sound of my front door bell interrupts my thoughts and I sigh, reaching for a towel to dry myself. The time has come for me to explain myself to Lucy, it’s inevitable and I’ve just got to be honest and get it over with. I’ll be able to focus on my main goal as soon as I break things off with her. I’ll make her understand that it was never my intention to hurt her but it really is my time to chase after my greatest desire.
Bethany.
She’s all I’ve ever wanted and all I’ll ever need. I will not lose her again. I don’t care about her boyfriend; I don’t even mind the fact that she’s pregnant. I’ll do whatever it takes to make her mine, she belongs with me and that’s exactly where she’s going to stay. She belongs to me and I won’t rest until I have her. I know it will take some time and my patience will be tested but the end result will be worth every moment.
Bethany, I love you and you’re going to love me back. You might take some persuading and the process might hurt you but it will all be worth it in the end. There’s only room for one man in your life and that’s certainly not Jake.
It’s me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me…
Nathan
Broken nose, two black eyes, shattered collarbone and three broken ribs, a face so fucked up that my own friends can hardly recognise me and all because of that fucking little whore and her boyfriend. I spent plenty of time in hospital and I’m still in fucking agony. I’ve been home for a few days now but I’m still stuck indoors and everything about my pathetic existence is driving me insane. I’m dying to get my hands on the cunt that did this to me. I lie awake at night and picture myself plunging a knife into his gut or beating him until he’s half dead and unconscious. That’s exactly what he did to me before he left me for dead.
Hammering on the front door forces me to get up off the sofa, I limp down the hallway and take a look through the peephole. It’s only Liam, one of my old mates that I haven’t seen for months. What the fuck is he doing here?
“Open the door, man! I know you’re in there.” He yells.
Shit. I really don’t have a choice now. I rake a hand through my dishevelled hair, glancing in the mirror on the wall opposite. Who am I kidding? I look like shit but can’t keep hiding like some sort of pussy. I might as well open the door and get it over and done with.
“What’s up, man? Come in.” I usher him inside, squinting as the morning sunlight leaks through the front door. I haven’t been outside for a while and daylight is something I’m going to have to get used to.
“Fucking hell Nath, what’s happened to you?” He asks, taking in my purple bruises and swollen face.
“You don’t even want to know.” I murmur, hobbling back into the sitting room.
“Try me.”
“Some bastard beat me up a few weeks ago. He left me for dead before phoning a damn ambulance for me, how fucked up is that?”
“Jesus. That’s twisted.”
“I’m telling you right now, the fucker who did this to me is as good as dead. I can promise you that.”
“Dead man walking?” Liam jokes.
“I’m serious.”
“It’s going to be a long time before you’ll be able to fuck someone up.” He chuckles, sitting back in his chair.
“I mean it, Liam. I’m going to get this guy and when I do, I’ll make sure to put some flowers on his grave, just like he phoned the paramedics for me after he left me for dead, an eye for an eye and all that shit.”
We’re interrupted by the sound of Liam’s phone. He quickly glances at the screen before typing out a response.
“Wow, shit just got real.” Liam murmurs to himself, pocketing his phone.
“What you talking about?” I asked, changing my position on the sofa. I can’t even get comfy sitting down due to the amount of my injuries.
“It’s just this guy I know who’s doing a favour for an old mate of his called Jake. This Jake dude is desperate to get his hands on this random guy who touched his girlfriend and he’s got his old crew and all the guys he used to roll around with out looking for him. He literally wants this guy’s blood and he’ll do anything to track down this son of a bitch who hurt his girl or some shit like that. I really do feel sorry for the poor fucker he’s looking for ‘cause Jake will murder him when he finds him.”
“And no one know
s who this dude is?” I asked, trying to control my pounding heart, acting like I didn’t really give a shit.
“That’s right. He’s even gone back to all the underground fighting he used to be a part of, trying to put the feelers out to find out the name of pervert who tried to rape his girlfriend. He’s accepting calls from anyone with any information about the son of a bitch he’s looking. He’s determined to find him. ”
“So he’s pretty hardcore?” I feign indifference and disinterest, as though it doesn’t matter to me in the slightest.
“I’ve not spoken to him myself but I’ve seen him fight and every time I’ve seen him step into that ring he looks like he could murder somebody. I wouldn’t want to be the guy he’s looking for, I really wouldn’t. He’s offering a shitload of cash to anyone who can give him this bloke’s name. That’s why I think he’s fighting again; he needs the money and knows the underground circuit will bring him information.”
I take a moment to digest everything Liam just told me. The name Jake keeps whirling around inside my head, I’m sure that was his name. I was half conscious at the time but I just know I heard crying little bitch scream out his name on the night I got hurt.
I can’t help wondering what the hell would make him come after me again. He left me for dead, isn’t that enough? He threatened me and made me swear to him that I wouldn’t go to the police. I was in no position to argue and knew that I’d be forced to explain everything to the cops if I chose to report him. I knew I’d go straight to prison for the sexual assault I made against the little whore and that’s why I said nothing. I knew I had to wait until the time was right for me to get my own revenge on the two of them.
“Where do these fights of his normally take place?”
I know that if I want to find out more about this guy then I have to see him in action for myself. I’m pretty certain it’s the same person but I need to be sure. I need to find out as much as I can about him before I plan my next move.
“The locations change but I always get notified a couple hours before it starts. Want me to let you know next time I hear about one coming up? He’s one hell of a fighter and well worth the money you have to pay just to get in.”
It’s pathetic that Liam is so pleased with himself, thinking he’s actually managed to impress me.
“Sure, when I’m feeling better just let me know and I’ll come with you.” I say casually, shrugging my shoulders as though I don’t care one way or the other.
Once Liam has left, I’m let alone with my thoughts. They’re dark and sinister, they leave a bitter taste in my mouth and I know that nothing is going to cure it until I sort out that son of a bitch called Jake. Sure, he beat me with his fists but will he look so clever when he comes face to face with me holding a knife? He’s no match for a blade, especially when I plan on using it.
I find myself smiling for the first time in weeks, especially when I imagine all the things I’m going to do to his pretty little girlfriend once he’s out of the picture. I might not actually kill him right away; I might leave him until he’s half conscious and make him watch all the fucked up things I’m going to do to her.
Revenge is sweet and the best payback is the one that comes with planning and plenty of thought. Vengeance is far more satisfying when exacted in cold blood. His blood is exactly what I want and I won’t stop until I get it.
Never…
Epilogue
Bethany
I wake up as soon as I feel the warmth of the morning sun on my face. Jake’s still asleep, probably still exhausted from last night and everything that happened. I silently creep out of bed and pad across the carpet, I don’t want to wake him want to spend a few minutes by myself before he wakes up.
There’s milk in the fridge this morning, unlike yesterday when I found out we had none left. I make myself a coffee and sit down on the sofa, blowing on the steaming cup of caffeine before taking a sip.
How things have changed in twenty four hours. This time yesterday morning I was talking to Callum, exchanging numbers with him and lying to Jake. This morning things feel different somehow. I’m well rested, calm and composed. I feel like I’ve been asleep for a thousand years and only just woke up. It’s a bizarre feeling and one I can’t seem to make sense of.
Last night was crazy. We both were crazy and I can hardly believe I let Jake watch me on the bed like that, I can’t believe I even had the confidence to do it! I close my eyes, remembering all the things he said to me and how incredible he made me feel. It was so empowering, exhilarating, thrilling and just plain mind blowing!
I startle at the sound of something being slipped through the letterbox of our apartment’s front door, tip-toeing across the room so I don’t wake Jake up next door.
Oh, God. It’s a letter from gran. The one I’ve been waiting for, the one her friend Marjorie told me she would send. The one she wrote to me just before she died. I stare at it for several minutes; my hands are trembling too much for me to open the envelope. I’ve spent a whole week waiting for this letter and now that it’s finally here, I can’t bring myself to read it. I think it’s because I know that after this there will be no gran. This is the last I will ever hear from her and I’m just not ready to say goodbye yet. How can I even begin to accept that she won’t be coming back, that I’ll never see her again and that I’ve lost the only person I ever really trusted before I met Jake?
The silence that surrounds me is only making things worse and I reach for my iPod, wanting to put an end to the tormenting thoughts in my head. I already know which song I need to hear, the one I’ve turned to a thousand times before now, the one that brings me peace… Yiruma’s ‘River Flows In You.’
I take a deep breath and tear open the envelope, recognising my gran’s neat handwriting right away. This is it, our final goodbye. It will symbolise be the end of my incredible relationship with a spectacular woman and I’m absolutely terrified. I shake my head and imagine gran telling me to hurry up and read her letter. I realise she’s right, what the hell am I waiting for?
Hello, my darling girl! I hope you’re well and not missing me too much. I just thought I’d write you a letter to let you know that I’m ok, I really am. I’m happy and I’m being taken care of so I don’t want you to worry about me, I’m absolutely fine and I know you are going to be.
I’m going to post this letter to my own address because I know you and Jake will be there often. I hope you’re both taking care of one another and treating each other kindly. I’m having a wonderful time here, catching up with my old friend has done me a world of good, I’m missing you and I know you probably feel the same way about me. We’ve always been close, even when you were a baby you were always my special girl. You’ve been the sunshine in my life, Bethany. You’ve made my darkest days beautiful and I want to thank you for being the most wonderful granddaughter.
I’m so pleased you’ve found happiness, Bethany. I’m so thrilled that you’ve found someone who will truly love you and treat you right. I know you might roll your eyes at some of the things I say but the one thing I have always trusted is my instincts and my gut feeling. I have a wonderful feeling about Jake, I can see how much he is in love with you and I know you feel the same way about him. You’re both so young know but I already know that what you and he share is the real thing. I know you two will find happiness together and I want you to embrace every single second of it. I had so many years with your grandfather, I loved him every second of every single day and I regret nothing.
Being in love and being loved in return is why we are put on this earth. I just wish my own daughter could have found her own piece of happiness, I sometimes question why it never happened for her but then I look at you and everything makes sense. Regardless of your father and his actions, he was needed. He was needed because we needed you.
I’ll see you soon, Bethany. I don’t want you to worry about a thing, have faith that everything will be alright and don’t be afraid of anything life throws at you. T
here will always be ups and downs, we have to face things we don’t want to every single day but our faith throughout these times of difficult makes us who we are.
I am so proud of you Bethany. Stay strong, sweet and beautiful. Make sure you hold onto that lovely young man of yours, he adores you and believe me when I say that a good man is really hard to find. Smile everyday and force yourself to laugh, even when you want to cry. Life is precious; especially when you make sure you really live it. Be happy.
Love always, Gran x x x
I break down in tears as soon as I finish reading it, clutching her letter against my heart as I start to sob. I can’t believe she’s really gone, she’s never coming back and I’ll never see her again. She was such an incredible lady and I was so blessed to have known her. I will carry her strength and wisdom with me forever and do my best to make her proud of me. I will always remember what she taught me and I’m so thankful she got to meet Jake and gave our relationship her blessing. I know I have chosen the right path and despite all of the obstacles we still face… I know everything will be alright, just like gran told me it would be.I was lost so lost. I was so lonely and it might sound like a cliché but when I found Jake, I found what I was looking for, the missing piece, my other half.
The man who completes me.
With tears pouring down my face, I re-read gran’s letter, making sure I savour every single word of it. I smile when I’m finished and wipe away my tears. I don’t know if they’re tears of sadness or of joy, I think they’re a mixture of both.
Always & Forever Page 69
