by Amie Knight
“Holy shit, did you go home with a guy last night?” I asked, sitting up in the bed.
She laughed nervously and removed the pillow from under her head before placing it firmly over her face. She mumbled and groaned beneath it.
“What?” I asked, staring down at my friend, who was trying to smother herself with a pillow.
Her next words were muffled by the pillow, but she repeated them louder. She was just clear enough that I barely made them out. But I had to have been mistaken because there was no way in hell. None.
“Tell me you didn’t just say that you slept with Anthony last night!” I shouted, trying to pull the pillow from her face, but she had strong drummer arms. “Kelly!” I yelled
She finally let the pillow go. “I can’t tell you that, Ains. Because I did. I went home with him and he totally rocked my world.” She was smiling goofily at the ceiling, like memories of last night were running through her head.
I shook my head. I was confused. “How the hell did you end up with Miranda this morning, then?” I asked.
Her faraway smile disappeared, and all of a sudden, she looked completely pissed off. “Well, I woke up this morning completely blissed out and ready for round, I dunno, five. But Anthony got up and asked me to leave. I guess he doesn’t do the morning after,” she said, frowning.
Oh hell no. That man-whore did not throw my best friend out of his house. “Are you fucking serious? Kelly, I will kill him. No, Miranda will kill him. She will kill him dead,” I said. I was outraged, and I knew Miranda would be even more so. She’d never liked him.
“It’s okay,” Kelly said, leaning back against the headboard. “He warned me that it was only one night. I knew what I was getting into. And I don’t regret it because it was unbelievably hot. I guess I was just surprised because he seemed to be just as into me as I was him. It was weird how he threw me out.” She looked confused.
She seemed concerned for Anthony. I wasn’t concerned for him at all. I wanted to murder the bastard. Kelly deserved better.
I leaned back against the headboard too and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry, Kells,” I said. And I’d meant it. And, if I ever saw Anthony Jackson again, I was kicking him in the balls.
Kelly looked at me seriously. “How’d it go last night with Adrian?” she asked.
Last night had been passionate—everything I’d ever wished for and then some for four long years. I didn’t want to get into details with Kelly, but I also wanted her know that last night had been breathtaking.
“It was amazing, Kelly. It was everything I’ve been wanting,” I said to her.
“So, why were you sitting on the sidewalk outside of Adrian’s apartment at seven this morning?” she asked, confusion on her face.
I took a deep breath and let it out. I grabbed a piece of my hair and twirled it around my fingers. “I don’t know. I guess I’m a chickenshit. I think all I know how to do anymore is run. I used to fix things. Make things happen. Help people. Now, all I know how to do is leave,” I said quietly.
“Aw, Ainsley. That’s not true. You’re just scared, and that’s okay.” Kelly said, leaning into me.
“I am scared. I’m terrified Adrian will regret last night. I couldn’t live with that. So I left before he even woke up. I still love him so much it hurts, Kells. What if he never loves me again? What if he won’t forgive me for what I did?” I asked her.
“Oh, come on! Even with as drunk as I was last night, I could tell how much that man loves you. He couldn’t take his eyes off you all night. And, when he saw you dancing with Anthony, I thought his head was going to explode.” She smiled.
My heart squeezed at her words. “Shit. What if I made a huge mistake leaving this morning? What if he thinks I was running from him like last time? I just needed some time to think, ya know? We just got to the point where we are friends again, and all I can seem to do is fuck everything up,” I said, bringing my hands to my face.
“Girl, get your ass in your car and go talk to him. Stop sitting around here worried whether or not he is angry with you and go find out.”
Kelly was right. Sitting around hungover and worried was just plain counterproductive. I would have to face the music sooner or later anyhow.
“You’re right,” I said to Kelly, getting up out of the bed and grabbing my keys off the nightstand. “Sitting around here worried about what Adrian thinks is just dumb when I can just go find out for myself.” Be indestructible.
God, I wanted him. I wanted him to tell me that last night wasn’t a mistake. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and nothing in the word had changed or would ever change that. I’d made a grave mistake in leaving Adrian four years ago, but I was done paying for it. I was done crying over it. And I damn sure was done waiting for him to come to me.
Four years and four hundred and fifty miles had separated us, yet this man still held my heart in the palms of his hands.
It was damn well time he knew it.
I drove to Adrian’s apartment in record time. I was seriously hoping he was home because I didn’t know how long this burst of courage was going to last. I parked my truck in the parking lot and actually got a quick look around because no one was dragging me inside. The apartments were brown and dated, but the property was nice and well kept.
I knocked on his door, nervously tapping my foot. I couldn’t help but remember how scared I’d been the very first time I’d stood on Adrian’s porch. I’d been waiting on him to answer after Lori had rushed around me to push the doorbell. We’d been so excited to swim in his pool, and even then, I’d thought he was the most beautiful thing I’d ever set eyes on. The memory made me smile, and for the first time in a long time, I thought of Lori and pain didn’t flood my body. Agony didn’t wrench in my heart.
I rang the bell this time because he hadn’t answered yet. The door opened and the smile I was wearing instantaneously disappeared. There stood Blondie, and my heart firmly lodged itself in my throat. I’d just left there this morning and she was there this evening? She looked at me questioningly, but all I could manage to do was to stare back at her with my mouth gaping.
“Yes?” she asked condescendingly from her blood-red lips.
She was standing there, looking freaking perfect in her impeccable pantsuit, without a damn hair out of place, and there I was, hungover, wearing a set of blue sweats, not a drop of makeup on. Of course.
“Is Adrian here?” I finally managed to squeak out. I didn’t really want to see him anymore, but I had to say something. Anything.
She gave me a superior smile. “I believe he’s in the shower right now. Would you like me to give him a message?” She looked away from me and down to a cell phone in her hand, completely bored with our conversation.
Fuck. I was going to be sick, and not just because I’d drunk my weight in alcohol last night. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest, but somehow, I managed to mutter, “No, thanks. I’ll just catch up with him later.”
I turned away from the blond bitch—yes, she’d graduated from Blondie—and walked as quickly as I could back to my truck.
You are not going to cry, Ainsley. You are not going to fucking cry, I told myself over and over again as I drove away from Adrian’s apartment.
What did you expect? You left him this morning. You ran just like you always do. You come and then you go.
God, I was so sick of feeling sorry for myself. I was sick of being pitiful and pathetic.
I turned my truck into the parking lot of a grocery store. I stomped down the aisles, mad at Adrian for having a woman over right after he’d sexed me the hell up and mad at myself for being so damn upset about it. I tossed soda, junk food, ice cream, and anything else I could find into my cart. I stopped at the Redbox outside the store and got myself and Kelly a movie that wasn’t a romance. Fuck that. I loaded it all into my truck and drove home, determined to enjoy my last couple of days with my best friend before she went back Nashville.
My heart felt like s
omeone had pulled it out of my chest, stomped all over it, and then shoved it back in, but I didn’t cry. I just rubbed the sore spot on my chest with the palm of my hand over and over again and pretended to watch movies and eat junk food with Kelly. All I really did was think of that woman answering Adrian’s door only hours after I’d closed it on my way out.
Two days later, my heart still felt heavy with disappointment and bruised beyond repair. I was an emotional mess, and I had a feeling no amount of makeup or hair was ever going to cover it up, either. Not that I was trying.
I’d only moved from my spot on the couch to take Kelly to the airport yesterday evening, and that had only made me even more down. I missed her. She’d kept me semi distracted from the whole Adrian ordeal, and now that she was gone, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And him. I was more confused than ever about what was happening between us.
At least Momma was there to keep me company. We’d watched movie after movie and eaten our weight in pizza and ice cream, but she kept throwing me worried glances. I didn’t want to talk about it, so I ignored her concerned looks.
Adrian hadn’t tried to call me. He hadn’t come by the house. As far as I knew, he could still be shacked up with the blonde bitch face. The thought made me sick. The pain in my heart moved to my stomach.
“Are you going tonight?” Momma asked from the couch next to me. She hadn’t been looking at me when she’d asked. She’d had her eyes on the TV like she didn’t care what the answer to my question was, but I knew better.
“Where?” I asked back. I knew what she wanted to know, but since she was pretending, so would I. Miranda had only messaged me a million times already to ask if I was going. The answer was simple: probably not. But she wouldn’t know because I’d been avoiding her texts.
“To Adrian’s art exhibition,” Momma answered, still not looking at me but staring too intently at the TV for it to be genuine.
I hadn’t told Momma what had happened when I’d gone to Adrian’s. I hadn’t really told anyone because, every time I even thought about it, the pain in my chest spiraled out of control.
“Probably not,” I said. I knew I’d promised Adrian I would be there, but that was before the sore spot in my chest. I wasn’t feeling good. I didn’t want to go anywhere. Especially to see him. I placed my hand over my chest, willing the hurt away.
Momma grabbed my hand off my chest and held it in hers. “Baby,” she said so softly that I looked at her. “I don’t have a clue what’s going on between you and Adrian right now, but I do know this. The very best things in life are worth fighting for. And I know for a fact that you think Adrian is the very best. You’ve been in love with that boy since you were just a tiny thing.” She got quiet for moment like she was lost in her memories. “Both of my girls loved him so much.” She smiled. “How could both of my babies love a boy so much if he wasn’t the best? It’s just not possible, Ainsley. And Lori would want you to have the best because you were her best.”
The ache in my chest intensified, and the tears I’d been keeping at bay for days spilled over. Oh, God, it hurt. I rubbed my sternum in slow circles. I’d lost so much when I’d lost Lori, and I didn’t know if I’d ever get it back. I’d lost my best friend and Adrian, but more importantly, I’d lost myself. The real Ainsley was gone and I wanted her back. I wanted to smile easily. I wanted to feel like I deserved to be happy. I wanted the me from before I’d lost Lori back. I missed her, but she was tucked away in the grief-stricken recesses of my mind. And, every time I caught a glimpse of her, something traumatic had sent her running for cover. She didn’t like the agony of facing things head on, but it had to be done. I couldn’t live with this guilt any longer. I’d been carrying it around too long.
“If I was her best, then why didn’t I save her, Momma? Why wasn’t I at that party with her?” I asked, my voice thick with tears. I couldn’t look at her. The guilt of it all made me too ashamed. I stared down at our joined hands instead.
“You look at me right now, Ainsley,” Momma said sternly.
Bringing my guilty eyes to hers nearly killed me, and when I saw the harsh anger etched across my momma’s normally soft face, my heart dropped. That face looked unforgiving, and I was terrified she’d always blame me for Lori’s death.
Momma’s own tears rolled down her cheeks and onto the soft robe she was wearing. I was so scared of what her next words would be.
“What happened to Loralie was not your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Bad things happen to good people all the damn time. Lori was troubled, Ains. We did what we could to help her. Especially you, baby. She loved you more than anyone in her whole world. She’d never want you to blame yourself. Ever.” She pulled me in and hugged me so tight that it felt like she was pushing all of my broken pieces back together.
I let her hold me while I sobbed and cried into the soft fabric of her robe.
A while later, after I’d quieted, Momma said, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I have an art show to attend for my favorite guy. So I need to go get dressed. I think you should come too, Ains. Adrian would be so disappointed if you weren’t there.”
I could see that she would be disappointed in me too if I didn’t go. I pulled out of her arms and looked at her sadly. “I don’t know. I think I’m starting to finally realize that Adrian and I maybe aren’t meant to be. So much has happened between us, and I know that a lot of that is my fault, but I can’t keep blaming and feeling sorry for myself. I love him so much, Momma. But I’m so confused.”
She placed her hand over the sore spot on my chest. “Look deep in here, baby. That’s where you’ll find the answer,” she said before getting up and walking down the hallway toward her bedroom.
I flopped my body back onto the couch, feeling emotionally drained but somehow better after having talked to Momma. I felt lighter. I thought of calling Miranda and asking her what she thought I should do about Adrian, but I knew what her answer would be. The romantic in her had been rooting for us since we had been small children.
I needed advice from someone who knew Adrian just as well as I did. Only I didn’t have her anymore. Lori. If she had been there, she’d have told me what to do and I would have listened because she had known Adrian and me better than we knew ourselves. I’d have just walked into her room, lain in her bed beside her, and asked her.
I didn’t have that anymore but still I found myself walking down the hall with purpose and then pausing at the door to Lori’s room. I faced it, placed my hand on the knob, and quickly twisted it before I could change my mind.
It looked the same—completely untouched since we’d lost her. It was tidy like Momma had cleaned it, but every facet of Lori’s life was still tucked away in this tiny room, right where she’d left it. Her rock posters still adorned the walls. Her knickknacks still littered every available surface, and I felt happy at the familiarity of her belongings.
I walked into the room, my heart thumping to the familiar beat of fear and anxiety. I sat stoically on the edge of her bed and looked around. Ponytail holders, makeup, ChapStick, and pens lay on almost every available surface. Her black bedspread, which we’d picked out at the mall, was neatly made, and I forced myself to lie back on it.
The moment my head hit the pillow, I smelled her. The sweet shampoo she’d used all of her life filled the air. I closed my eyes tight because the onslaught of emotion was almost too much to take. My body trembled, and my heart raced. Through my tightly closed eyes, tears slipped down my face and onto her pillow.
“God, I miss you,” I said into the quiet room, so overwhelmed with emotion that my voice sounded choked.
Her smell almost fooled me into believing the inconceivable. I took a deep breath, taking more of her in. I’d missed that smell.
“I wish you were here right now. You’d know what to do about this whole Adrian mess.” I felt ridiculous for talking to an empty room, but I was hoping for anything. Just some kind of sign of what I should do.
I scrubbed my
hands over my still firmly closed eyes. This was laughable. A ghost wasn’t going to help me figure my love life out. I envisioned Lori giggling her ass off in the afterlife while I lay there hoping for a damn miracle.
I groaned out a laugh of my own and sat up on the bed, opening my eyes. My eyes zeroed in on Lori’s pink-and-purple music box—the one Momma had gotten her for her sixth birthday. We’d spent that entire day twisting the tiny key on the bottom and opening the top, watching the ballerina turn and turn to the soft tinkling of a sweet song.
I picked the box up and turned it over before twisting the little knob until it wouldn’t go anymore. I placed the box in my lap, opening the lid. The soft sound of music filled the room and the pretty, pink ballerina spun and spun. I watched for the entirety of the song, wishing Lori were there with me.
Once the music stopped, I went to close the lid, but a flash of silver caught my eye. Snuggled down near the ballerina’s feet was a piece of jewelry. I pulled out a long, delicate chain with a locket in the shape of a heart dangling from it. Christ almighty, I remembered this locket. My breath froze in my chest. My hands shook as I cupped this precious piece of jewelry in my hands.
I remembered that day all too well. It was Lori’s birthday, and Adrian had given her this as a gift. She’d been so happy. I’d been so jealous and upset over it. The thought that he’d given her such an intimate gift had broken my teenage heart. I scoffed out loud at the ridiculousness of it now because Lori hadn’t been the one to keep Adrian and me apart. It had been me alone. I’d never even looked inside that locket, too afraid to see Adrian and Lori there without me. I wasn’t scared anymore.
I pressed the tiny button on the outside of the heart with my thumbnail and the locket sprang apart with ease. “Oh my God,” I breathed quietly into the empty room. Because the contents of that locket were nothing like I expected. In fact, it was the exact opposite because it was Lori’s picture that was nowhere to be seen.
On one side of the heart, there was a fourteen-year-old me, wild hair, bright-green eyes, and a smile so free—one I hadn’t seen in far too long. And nestled neatly into the other side was Adrian. His boyish face round with youth. His grin wide and toothy like I remembered. And that sweet smattering of freckles across his nose and his cheeks that made me smile so much that my cheeks hurt made me smile now too.
