The realization shocked her wide-awake and she sat bolt upright in the bed as a torrent of memories and emotions rushed back to her. The jump, that moment of explosive triumph when she had hit the other side, the sudden dizziness and threatening darkness. She’d scarcely had time to turn off the ignition before that darkness had closed on her. It was evident some time had passed since it was obviously night, but why was Joel in that other bed instead of Billie?
The baby! Had the jarring impact hurt the baby? No, there had been no pain, just that same dizziness she’d known before. The baby was safe, thank heavens. And now that the jump was over, she’d be sure she kept him safe. No more driving off bridges and jumping cliffs while she had him tucked under her heart.
She heard Joel stir in the next bed and it brought her abruptly back to the present. That exquisitely poignant moment in Joel’s arms before the jump had filled her with hope and given her the strength she had needed so desperately. In retrospect, however, she couldn’t understand the joy she’d known. Surely the situation would be just that much worse if Joel did love her. She still couldn’t impose her obligations on anyone else, much less someone she loved as much as Joel. But how could she face him and say the words of rejection again? She’d done it once and it had almost torn the heart from her. She couldn’t go through it again, even if it meant running away from a confrontation before Joel awoke.
She silently swung her legs to the floor and stood up. She moved with catlike softness across the room to the closet. Carefully holding the beaded strands so they wouldn’t click, she grabed jeans, a beige shirt, tennis shoes, and her purse. Then she was gliding toward the door. More beads, she thought crossly. Billie’s “atmosphere” was all very well, but clangy as the devil. Joel must have been sleeping very deeply, though, for he didn’t stir when she passed through the door. There was no sign of Yusef or his bedroll, she noticed, as she dropped her bundle of clothing on one of the wooden kitchen chairs. Where was everybody? Well, she’d just have to worry about that later. Her first priority was getting dressed and away before Joel awoke. Which wasn’t going to be all that easy considering how weak and sluggish she was feeling.
She almost made it. She had just finished tying her tennis shoes, had stood up, and was reaching for her shoulder bag on the table when she heard Joel’s caustic voice behind her. “What’s the hurry? Do you have another canyon to jump before dawn or do you always do flits in the middle of the night?”
She stiffened and drew a deep breath before turning to face him. He was standing in the doorway dressed in black jeans and a black cotton shirt with the sleeves rolled to the elbow. His hair was rumpled and there was a dark shadow of growth on his hollow cheeks that made him look faintly rakish. “I just thought it was time to get up,” she said brightly. “I must have been more tired than I thought to pass out like that.” She moistened her lips nervously. “I assure you I don’t usually sleep from sunrise to sunset. Was the take this morning okay?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea,” Joel said as he came toward her. “I haven’t been out of this house since we brought you down from the canyon after the jump.” He paused. “And it’s considerably later than sunset. It’s almost two in the morning.”
“Two!” she echoed, her eyes widening. She couldn’t have lost that much time. “That’s not possible. I wasn’t that tired.”
“Weren’t you?” He was coming toward her, his expression grim. “According to the doctor who examined you when I brought you back from the canyon, you were suffering from exhaustion, a slight case of anemia, and those tendons in your back may give you trouble for the rest of your life if you don’t stop abusing them. It’s no wonder you collapsed.”
“You had a doctor examine me?” She felt a swift rush of panic. “You had no right to do that without my consent.”
“And you would never have given me that consent, would you, Kendra?” He was close enough so she could see the lines of weariness that were etched in his face and the mauve shadows beneath his eyes. “Because you knew what else the doctor would tell me and you didn’t want that at any cost. You didn’t want me to know about my baby, did you?”
She inhaled sharply, her knees suddenly weak. “Your baby?” she asked, lifting her chin proudly. “It’s not your baby, it’s mine, Joel. It’s my responsibility and I’m not about to involve you. You’re right, I wasn’t going to tell you, because it’s my concern and not yours.”
“Not my concern?” He shook his head incredulously. “What the hell are you talking about? I put my seed in your body and it will be my child that will be growing in your womb.”
His hand reached out and touched her belly and rested there. She could feel the heavy warmth through her jeans as he rubbed her gently. “It’s my baby in there now, the baby we made together. You can’t say that I’m not involved.” His eyes narrowed. “Or are you trying to tell me I’m not the father?” He shook his head. “No way, sweetheart. I won’t buy it.”
“No, it’s your child,” she admitted wearily. “But that doesn’t change anything. The night of conception had to be at Illusion de l’Arc en Ciel, and you certainly didn’t force yourself on me. Why should you be held liable for making love to a woman you assumed was willing and capable of protecting herself?” Her lips tightened stubbornly. “Don’t worry about me, Joel. The whole thing was my fault and I’ll assume the responsibility. I don’t expect anything from you.”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” His voice was suddenly fierce. “You don’t expect anything: you won’t accept anything. You’re so damn independent that you’d rather lose the baby than let me carry my share of the responsibility.”
“No, that’s not true,” she gasped. “The baby won’t be harmed; I’ll see to that. I’ll rest more and I’ll take iron tablets and—”
“Kendra, for God’s sake, I can’t take any more.” His green eyes were full of torment as he took her shoulders in his hands and looked down at her. “Do you know the hell you’re putting me through? How the devil can you be so damn selfish?”
“Selfish?” Kendra echoed, bewildered. “I’m not asking anything of you.”
“That’s the whole point,” Joel said. “Do you know how much I want to give to you? All my life I’ve been afraid of giving a part of myself and so I’ve stood on the outside looking in at life.” His hands were moving caressingly on her shoulders. “I’m not afraid anymore, Kendra. I don’t care if you don’t feel the same way as I do. All I want is for you to stay with me and let me love you. I’ll take a chance on the rest. Just let me love you and give to you.” He pulled her close and held her with a gentleness that was exquisitely tender. “I have a whole lifetime of loving and giving saved up. Please, don’t shut me out, sweetheart.”
Her hand clutched at his shirt as she buried her face in his shoulder. “It’s not fair,” she whispered, her throat tight and aching with tears. “You said you didn’t have any paternal feelings. I won’t have you caught in that cage you mentioned.”
She felt his chest move beneath her ear as he chuckled. “I said most men didn’t have them, not that I personally didn’t. I want our child very much, love. In the past eighteen hours while you’ve been snoozing so peacefully I’ve been thinking a lot about that.” His lips touched her temple. “In fact, I’ve grown quite primitively possessive about the little tyke. For heaven’s sake, woman, you ought to know I didn’t have any qualms about your becoming pregnant after that night at the hotel.”
“But that was the night you told me—”
“You should have believed the adage about actions speaking louder than words,” he interrupted. “Didn’t it occur to you that if I didn’t want you pregnant, I would have used some protection that night? You’re green as grass, sweetheart, and I was feeling guilty as hell about taking advantage of that naiveté.” His arms tightened about her possessively. “I promised the next time I’d protect you and I broke that promise. I was so desperate I was willing to try every dirty trick in the book, even
getting you pregnant.”
“You wanted me to become pregnant?” She leaned back in his arms to look up at him with startled eyes.
“I wanted you any way I could get you,” he said quietly. “I’ve never loved any woman before and I’ll never love another one as long as I live. I know how lonely it gets out there in the world without someone to love and I don’t think I could go back to that now.” He leaned forward to kiss her forehead gently. “Not now, rainbow lady.”
“Joel.” He was breaking her heart into a million pieces. He hadn’t even asked if she loved him, only assumed that she didn’t. How many years of rejection and pain had ingrained that wariness in him? Yet he was willing to yield her his love without even asking for any return commitment. Two tears that had been brimming suddenly rolled down her cheeks. “Joel, I’ve no right to ask you to assume my problems. Casey has no claim on you even if you think your child does.” She met his gaze steadily. “I can’t relinquish my responsibility to him as long as he needs me and I don’t even know how long that will be.”
His eyes were grave as her own. “My rainbow lady wouldn’t know how to turn her back on someone who needed her, I know that,” he said softly. “That’s why I’m counting on her to make room in her heart for me. For there’s no one on the face of the earth who needs her more than I do.”
“But Casey—”
“Casey is your brother and if you find him worthy of love, then I will, too,” he said. “You’ll have to help me out now and then with this love business. I’m a novice at the game.” His voice deepened. “But if you’ll stay with me. I’ll learn to love the whole darn world if that’s what you want.”
She felt as if her heart and soul were melting into a river of gold that wanted to flow around him, surrounding him with warmth and love and everything he wanted in this life and the next.
“Now, who’s being selfish?” she asked tenderly, her eyes glowing with a light that was almost incandescent. “You just told me how important giving is to you and you’re practically drowning me with your generosity. Don’t you think you should give me the opportunity to give as well?”
He was still. “I told you I’d take whatever I could get,” he said slowly. “What do you want to give me, Kendra?”
Her index finger reached up to trace gently the hollow of his cheekbone. “Suppose we start out with my body and my spirit,” she said, smiling at him so lovingly it took his breath away. “Then we’ll work up to passion, devotion, laughter, and top it off with so much love that I may smother you. Do you think you can handle that, Joel? Will you let me give you all of that for the rest of my life?”
“Oh yes, I can handle that.” His eyes were bright as he bent his head slowly until their lips were only a breath apart. “You’re sure, Kendra? You don’t have to pretend to feel something for me if you really don’t. It’s enough to know that you’ll stay with me. I’d rather you were honest with me in the beginning. I don’t think I could take it if I believed you and then found out it wasn’t true.”
“I’m sure.” The tears were falling and she couldn’t seem to halt them. How many years would it take her to convince him that he was loved and that that love wasn’t an illusion which would vanish as the others had in his life? Well, it didn’t really matter. They had all the rest of their lives and it would come in time. Her lips parted and took his in a kiss that wove all the shades of loving and tenderness about him. “Just give me a chance, and I’ll show you it’s true.”
His arms closed around her with a desperation that took her breath away. “I’ll give you all the chance you need,” he said huskily. “But don’t ever try to walk away from me, love. I’ll never let you go. I couldn’t live without you now.”
She laughed shakily, “Who’s walking?” The atmosphere was too emotion-charged to be borne, and so she teased him. “I couldn’t if I wanted to with this bodylock you’ve got me in. I’m enjoying it excessively, but do you suppose I could take an occasional breath?”
“Oh God, am I hurting you?” He released her so swiftly that she almost fell. “I forgot about your back.” A frown darkened his face. “You shouldn’t even be on your feet, for heaven’s sake. Why the devil couldn’t you stay in bed and rest like you’re supposed to do? The doctor said you should have bedrest for at least a week and take it easy for the duration of your pregnancy.” He sat down in the wooden upright chair and pulled her down in his lap. “Rest, dammit.”
“Yes, sir,” she said meekly, leaning back in his arms with a sigh of delicious contentment. “Whatever you say. I always try to be cooperative with my directors, whenever possible.”
She felt him stiffen against her. “Yes, I’ve noticed how cooperative you are.” There was a tinge of bitterness in his tone. “You tumble out of airplanes and jump across canyons at the lift of an eyebrow.” Then as her eyes flew swiftly to his face, he drew a deep breath and spoke wearily. “Sorry. I wasn’t going to say anything like that again. That’s another thing I made up my mind about while you were sleeping. If you’ll wait until after the baby’s born and you’ve fully regained your health, I won’t fight you if you want to go back to stunting.”
“You mean that?”
“I mean it. It’s going to tear me to pieces every time you do one, but I’ll learn to live with it.”
“That’s very generous of you.” It was more generous than she could have been under the same circumstances, Kendra realized. She wouldn’t have been able to bear standing by while Joel took risks that might maim or kill him. It would be a living nightmare that made her shiver just to think about it.
“I don’t feel generous. I feel damn savage.” His lips twisted. “But if it’s important to you, I don’t have any choice. I can’t risk making you so unhappy that you’d want to leave me.”
“And there’s nothing important enough that I’d risk hurting you,” she said softly. “Stunting is a job to me. It’s all I’ve ever known, but it’s not a profession I can’t live without.” Her eyes were thoughtful. “I don’t think I’d ever be content without some kind of work to do, so don’t expect me to sit home in domestic bliss.”
She could feel the tautness seep out of his muscles, and his smile was a flash of sunlight so brilliant it would have melted a glacier. “Oh God, sweetheart, you can become a lady wrestler or a brain surgeon, just as long as you’re not driving off bridges.”
She grinned impishly. “I don’t think either one of those professions would appeal to me, but I’ll take them under consideration. They’d both require a great deal of physical stamina and my training would certainly stand me in good stead.” She nestled her head on his shoulder. “No, I was thinking more on the lines of camera work or set dressing so I could tag along and keep an eye on you.” Her lips brushed the throbbing pulse of his throat. “I want to be a part of every aspect of your life, Joel. I’m not about to be shut up like some fairy-tale princess at Illusion de l’Arc en Ciel when I can be with you in the real world. I told you I was a very pragmatic lady.”
“So you did.” His hand tangled in her hair as he pulled her head back. He kissed her with a passionate sweetness that had them both breathless and glowing when their lips parted. “Have I ever told you that I love pragmatic ladies almost as much as rainbow ladies?” He gave her a light kiss on the end of the nose. “And now I think I’d better display how pragmatic I can be myself and hustle you back to bed.” His eyes narrowed thoughtfully. “I’ll call Jake and ask him to send the Sea Breeze to Athens right away. It’s docked in Miami right now, so it should arrive there by next week. That will give me time to finish tying up loose ends here and let you get in that week in bed the doctor ordered.”
“I’m not staying in bed for a week,” Kendra said crossly. “I’ll be perfectly all right by tomorrow. I’d go crazy lounging around like some kind of fragile flower.”
“And I’d go crazy worrying about you if you didn’t.” His lips tightened. “You’ll stay in that bed if I have to tie you down hand and foot.” Suddenl
y his eyes began to twinkle. “Perhaps that wouldn’t be such a good idea after all. That brings a very lascivious picture to mind and I doubt if you’d get much rest if you unleashed all my kinky fantasies.”
“Then I’d be better off trailing after you, wouldn’t I?” Kendra asked promptly. “Don’t worry, I won’t get in your way.” She let her eyes widen wistfully and her lower lip tremble slightly. “Unless you don’t want me.”
“Knock it off, Kendra,” Joel growled. “You know that’s not the issue. Look, I really need to get this picture wrapped up, but if it’s a case of sitting on you to get you to stay in bed, I’ll do it. You’ll just make my work that much harder.”
“That’s a low blow,” she said gloomily. “Okay, I guess I’ll just have to resign myself to being a lady of leisure for the next week. I’ll find something to occupy myself.” Her brow knotted thoughtfully. “Maybe I can talk Billie into teaching me how to play the guitar.” Suddenly her eyes flew to his face. “Where are Billie and Yusef anyway?”
“At the present, they’re probably camping out in the wilds of nowhere,” Joel answered. “She only stayed long enough to make sure you were fine, and then she and Yusef took off in the jeep into the desert.” He scowled. “I tried to talk her out of it, but it was like talking to the wind.” He shifted and reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a rather creased envelope. “She left a note for you.”
The note was typically Billie.
Kendra,
I think you’re wrong about Joel and I have an idea you’re going to find that out for yourself very soon. If you decide that your path lies with him—be happy. If not, why don’t you try another road and see what’s around that next corner? There’s a big wonderful world out there just waiting for you.
Capture the Rainbow Page 16
