I didn’t know what to say or how to be with her, and I fidgeted around for a moment before answering, “We both know what this is, Lily. It’s just that I don’t want to think of you running around at all hours because of me.” The look on her face confirmed this wasn’t the answer Lily wanted. I was hurting her again, and I really hated myself at that moment.
The need to hold her tight to me and offer her protection was so strong, but my conscience told me that I needed to stay focused. When the bed was made, she was still standing at the end of it, looking at me with such an innocent look on her face I wanted grab her and hold her tight. I swallowed hard and turned away from her.
I dropped my towel and her eyes skimmed over me as slid between the sheets, when I met her gaze again I patted the bed on impulse. I couldn’t let her leave. “Come on Lily, it’s really late, and we don’t have to get up early in the morning. Wouldn’t you prefer to snuggle than have that ride back?” I knew it was a bad move as soon as I said it. Playing both sides of the fence. Bouncing between wanting her and pushing her away. It was a really underhanded thing to do to her.
Lily stood holding her arm nervously. She appeared worn down. In my head I was willing her to leave—in my heart, I wanted her beside me. She nodded and my heart soared and sunk at the same time. “No sex though,” she said, firing a warning at me as she crawled into bed and hugged herself.
As soon as she slipped in next to me, my body hummed for her. My dick went rigid, and I knew if I touched her, she’d be under me again and my dick buried deep inside her.
Never in my life have I had so little control over my body, but Lily had made it clear. She didn’t want to have sex with me again, and I had to respect that. So I turned over and faced away from her. I heard her work a swallow, and it sounded painful. I was getting this all wrong. What a fucking mess.
The mixed message I was giving myself about her was driving me to the brink of insanity. So I had nothing but pity for Lily, the sweet, beautiful girl who was lying next to me. My thoughts and feelings about everything in my life were caving in on me and thinking was so damn difficult at times that my brain just shut down until there were no thoughts at all about anything in my head. Brain numb. I fell asleep willing myself not to think about her or Kara. I was beyond trying to decipher what was going on.
When I woke, she was facing me, her face buried into my chest. I could feel her hot breath wafting over my skin every time she exhaled. I was holding her tightly, feeling her soft warm body melding into mine, my arms possessively wrapped around her. We were a tangle of lower limbs, and fuck if it didn’t feel absolutely right. My hand was splayed across one of her ass cheeks, and it took all my will not to give her a possessive squeeze.
Lily was sound asleep, and I placed my lips softly against her sleeping head. She had made me feel alive for the first time in a long time, but she was forbidden fruit. “You’ve ruined me,” I whispered softly. She had. Despite all my protesting, I was well and truly smitten by her, but I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
Soft movements brought me back from my reverie when she began to stir, and I pretended I was still asleep. I couldn’t afford to let her know how much our embrace was affecting me.
She stiffened and swallowed audibly and even though Lily was awake, she lay there, then sagged and stayed still for a few minutes, taking me in just as I had indulged in her. Her hand stroked my chest lightly, and she tilted her head. I just knew she was watching me.
When she made to move I almost opened my eyes to look at her. Instead I tightened my hold on her and slid my hand from her ass to her lower back to stop her from moving away from me.
I couldn’t not look any longer and opened my eyes to meet the blue sparkle of hers staring back at me. “Hey,” I husked and smiled. When she smiled back it made me pull her closer to me. An action I instantly regretted when my morning wood brushed against her belly.
A fleeting look of regret passed over her face, and she pulled herself out of our hug. “I need to use the bathroom.” She rolled away and pushed myself off of the bed. Lily was in there for an age before coming back and wasted no time getting dressed. She looked agitated, her mood had shifted. “Hey… what’s the hurry, honey?”
“I want to get home, Alfie. I have stuff to do today.” The feeling of disappointment inside of me was genuine, but I wasn’t going to stop her. I had done that the previous night and look where it got us. “Can you call me a cab?” Her voice was too happy; she was uncomfortable being with me.
“Okay, you’re a cab… is this a new fetish?” Smirking I thought my attempt at humor would ease the tension between us. The cold look I got in return told me that I needed to attune to her needs better. I sighed heavily in resignation at the inevitable loss of her leaving. “I’ll take you home, Lily.”
She shook my head. “I’d rather go by cab.”
Throwing back the sheets, I got off the bed and went to get my tablet. I glanced at her then found the cab’s number before calling it on my cell and pulling some jeans out of the closet to put on. I had to make some space between us before I said something I would have to take back when my senses dulled and the reality of my life sunk in again.
I went downstairs to the kitchen, and I hit the radio on. “Something I Need” by One Republic was playing, and I sang along, the song hitting a chord inside, every word making me feel this could be us. I decided to make an omelette to appear natural and try to have a ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude toward her.
I twisted around when I heard her coming, then switched the stove off and leaned against the counter. My eyes followed her down the stairs. “Thank you for last night. I had a great time with you.” As soon as I said it, I smarted at how it sounded and gave her a warm smile. My hand rubbed my chest where an ache had formed at not being able to tell her exactly how I felt.
Her response was cold. “No, problem Alfie, I had a good time too.” Ouch, she was angry, and I struggled not to show my concern. I forced a smile and walked over to her, snaking my arm around her waist. I wanted to get to know her better every time I looked at her.
“Why don’t you spend the day here?” I inquired smiling. Thinking, maybe if Lily was around me more I’d start to feel more normal and less horny all the time. “Well, maybe this is all you can think of, but I have other stuff that holds my attention just as much. Besides, I’m meeting Will later. We have some stuff to discuss.” When I heard she was meeting up with the douche, a possessive, jealous streak rose to my throat. I wanted to say something negative about him, but her cab arrived, and she was in it and waving at me, like the damned house was on fire.
Standing watching her leaving from the doorway gave me an ache in my heart. My cell rang forcing me back to the present, and I closed the door. Kara’s face lit up the screen, and I drew a sharp breath, trying to force down the resentment I suddenly felt for her before answering.
“Alfie, I had to take Poppy to the physician’s office this morning. She has a prescription that we need to have filled. Any chance you’re on campus, and I can drop it to you?” Poppy was an innocent child, none of this shit was her fault.
“Sure. I’ll come over and get it don’t worry. See you in an about hour.” I finished making breakfast but it stuck in my throat as my mind went into replay about the most amazing night of my life. The one that I’d have to forget.
Showering, I pulled on a black t-shirt and some skater shorts before grabbing my car keys and cell off of the countertop and heading to college.
Chapter 13 – Apadravya
When I arrived on campus the blood in my veins almost reached boiling point, seething at the sight before me. The douche had my girl wrapped in his arms, and I wanted to beat the shit out of him. I’d never felt so incensed about anyone or anything to that extent before. He looked way too fucking cozy. In fact, they both did. My hands tightened around the steering wheel, and my jaw locked in anger.
Lily was grinning up at him, dressed all cute in a little blue sundr
ess, and I realized she’d never smiled at me that way before. She looked happy. Getting out my car and appearing nonchalant as I walked close to them, conscious of my breathing and still fighting for control of my temper.
“Get a room Will, or go get some ice- cream and cool off!” Lily blushed at my comment, but stood there defiantly, hanging onto Will’s waistline. And the douche STILL had his arm around her.
“Vanilla’s a good flavor for good girls I hear,” I teased and scored a direct hit with her. Lily shifted from one hip to another, and her eyes dropped to look at her feet. Good, I’d made her uncomfortable, well…I was pissed at her.
I kept walking and shouted back at them without turning around. “Great gig last night. Y’all blew my mind.” I was aiming my comment at her, but it worked both ways. Smirking, I was glad I’d fucked up his attempt to maul her, but I needed to have a serious talk with myself. I wasn’t going to be around for five weeks, and I never got the chance to tell her.
Maybe distance and time would be enough for me to get past these crazy fucked-up feelings of lust I had for her.
I was feeling so torn about leaving college when I’d been looking forward to the band tour for weeks. How come things always happen right when you can’t do anything about them, or you find something out at the last minute and it’s too late to act on it? That was the feeling I had that day. Shaking it off, Lily needed to be pushed to the back of my mind.
There was two ways of looking at this. There was no way I could keep up this crazy push/pull, you want her/you can’t have her shit with Lily. I needed to man up. There was a heavy schedule planned for the band, we were going on our biggest tour yet. It would keep the wolves from the door of Kara and Poppy for a couple of months. I figured that I would only need to do five more escorting jobs when I got back and the money would take us past the Christmas holiday period.
Leaving the parking lot, I walked over the vast lawn and followed the path at the outskirts of the building, taking in the people standing around. Counter-surveillance was important to make sure no one was following me or linking me to Kara.
The staff accommodation was quite adequate with only one entrance and three floors. Kara’s apartment was twice as big as the downstairs apartments, them having one bedroom and hers having three. I’d had the foresight to ask for the extra bedroom when we were moving in because if I had to stay, I wanted to be comfortable and not have to lie around on couches.
Kara seemed exhausted, and I could tell she’d been crying again when she opened the door. I felt guilty I was leaving to tour with the guys when Poppy was sick. Kara did her best to reassure me she’d be fine, but I hated the thought that my girls might need me and I’d be up to four hundred miles from home.
Twisting my lips, I bit back resentment about all of this—because the way my bandmates Drew, Des, and Andy talked about the tour, their excitement and carefree attitudes made me feel old and worn down. Their enthusiasm and constant talks about the females they’d most likely meet and what they would do with them—to them—pissed me off.
Here I was talking with Kara about prescriptions, physician’s bills, and grocery money. After two and a half years we were still in the same place. Kara couldn’t work, and we couldn’t afford anything but the basics, living a hand to mouth existence with no financial wiggle room.
Kara had calmed down a lot since being pregnant with Poppy. She used to be a wild girl in the days after Gary died, virtually letting anyone fuck her, and mistaking it for affection. I’d never heard of someone becoming promiscuous from grief like that before. It was as if she was trying to find Gary, if that made sense. Well that was how she explained it to me. She felt if she could find someone who made her feel like Gary had then it would help her recover from his death. Personally, I felt she was having a breakdown.
In the space of a few weeks of losing Gary, she had gone from a quiet, reserved, and sweet girl to someone who dropped her panties for any guy who paid her a compliment. It was shock, I was sure of that. It was her way of coping, just like getting my genital piercing and the challenges tattoo were mine.
Drew couldn’t believe when I had asked him to come with me to get my apadravya piercing. Hell, the last thing I wanted was him coming with me and staring at my dick, but it was him, Kara, or Layla because the leaflet stated quite clearly if anyone turned up unaccompanied they would be turned away.
Flicking through the literature, I saw where it went on to tell me what to do if…there was a long list of pretty grim side effects that followed that would have turned most sane men away. These were followed by a fair few side effect warnings with graphic pictures so that my member could be compared to those conditions.
Scared shitless about doing it, I was worried I’d never be able to get it up again afterwards. Women I’ve been with were so turned on by it in general, but a couple were also freaked out. No one could understand why someone would go willingly and let someone puncture a hole in the most sensitive part of their dick. Gary is why.
Finding out Gary was being deployed to the worst conflict zone that was currently happening was a body blow. So Gary, Drew, and I went on a road trip to Nashville to live it up before he dealt with the serious shit he might see on tour. It was five days of drunken debauchery, fast food, fucking good girls, filthy strip clubs, freaky sex, and fun. One ‘F’ for every day of our trip.
Jeez, what a blast it was, and we came home thinking we knew what it was to live like a rock star.
Gary wasn’t faithful to Kara on that trip and punished his body by challenging his limits in every respect. In fact, all three of us did. I was sore for a week afterwards.
A comment he made stopped us all in out tracks when he said, “Gentlemen, I’m honored to be here with my best buds. I have a feeling I’m going to be living the next five days as if they are my last.” Drew and I stared at him, our faces in shock, and he threw his head back in laughter, calling us a pair of pussies and told us to lighten the fuck up.
One night when we were drunk, all sitting around during a quiet moment, we got into a heated discussion about him being selfish and leaving everyone behind. Drawing on my experience with my dad, I had more than a few words to say on the matter. Gary mattered to me, more than mattered. I loved him like a brother. Seeing how affected I was by his impending deployment, Gary made a deal with me.
Next thing I knew, we were all in the tattoo parlor, getting the same tattoo, ‘Don’t limit your challenges, challenge your limits.’ It was a symbol both to honor the five day trip and to remind us we needed to step out of our comfort zones and do something different if we ever expected to make a difference in the world.
The next part of the pledge was if Gary didn’t come home from that first tour, I had to get my dick pierced. So sure he’d be able to take care of himself, Gary was willing to put me at risk to prove his point. Hence my apa. I accepted the challenge thinking it might be that one extra thing that would keep him safe when he was gone.
So I have two tattoos with extra significance, one in memory of my mom, and one on both myself and Drew’s wrists, two of those three tattoos we got that day, mine and Drew’s have yet to be realized and one, Gary’s made a difference to all of us in one way or another. The difference for him was he became a hero. Somehow, I suspected making a difference was beyond Drew or me, no matter how long we tried to realize life’s challenges.
Talking to Kara made me feel better about the support I was giving her, always reminding me why my life was what it was. At least I wasn’t going through life at twenty-three with a two-year-old kid and a potential hitman after me. Smirking at that thought, although it wasn’t humorous, but sometimes dark humor prevailed out of dire situations. I explained to Kara that Layla was going to be over to see her at least twice a week, and she could call me anytime.
Our vigilance had kept them safe so far and unless she stepped outside of the boundaries we’d set, she would be fine until I came home. Giving her a long hug, I pulled away and put the front d
oor between as quickly as possible because if she’d started crying again, I wasn’t all that sure I could have gone on tour and left her.
Beautiful sunshine and small groups of music students donned the lawn on campus as I made my way back to my car. Automatically, my eyes flicked over from group to group in case Lily was sitting among them. She wasn’t.
Suddenly, I was feeling a deep-rooted resentment about leaving, about having met her and having to leave her behind. About having to forget her. My mood was changed in an instant. Going from quietly optimistic to impending doom and despair in a heartbeat, and the only thing that had changed since I left the apartment was that I’d thought about Lily again.
Drew was waiting at my house when I arrived, all packed and pumped up about life on the road for the next five weeks. His reputation for fuck ’em and duck ’em was a constant theme when he’d let loose with Des and Andy. Sometimes I felt like the odd guy when I wasn’t all that interested in playing the ‘man whore.’ Sure I’d slept with plenty of girls, but it didn’t sit well with me to merely get with someone for an hour for a whip it in, whip it out, and wipe it session.
Maybe it was carrying the extra weight of the girls, or the trauma of losing my parents, or some shit like that. Whatever, I’d take it when I wanted, but I’d never just take it because it was there. If that makes me different, then I’m happy with that label.
Arriving at the tour bus, I kinda cringed at the way the rest of the band acted like five year olds when they were let loose on the bus. Running around, opening cupboards and pressing buttons, I stood there staring at the promoter who was there to greet us with a constipated smile on my face. It was fucking embarrassing. Ash, the promoter, got fed up and decided to talk to me alone, treating me like I was their dad and explaining about paying for any damages incurred during the five weeks we were using the bus.
Love with Every Beat Page 13
