SEXPERT: Sad Face resignation not accepted without an exit interview… can we at least talk about it?
Pink Lady: Sorry it won’t change my decision. We both knew what this was. Take care.
Throwing myself heavily onto the sofa, my whole body felt exhausted from the texts of those few minutes. The burden of my responsibilities crushing me from all angles again, and I just wanted to curl up, go to sleep, and never wake up.
Lily could be the one girl I’d love all my life, and I’d lost her. Love? I hadn’t known her well enough to love her at this point, but I knew I loved everything about her. And now I’d never really know for sure.
Chapter 15 – Projections
Drew called and asked me to pick up some beers for the band. It was going to be a long day for us as we ironed out some kinks in the new material we’d been writing. Our band was getting more recognition, and we’d been playing together for a quite a few years, so we’d been discussing how to take our sound forward and keep us fresh.
When I pulled up in the store parking lot and switched off the engine, I noticed a Jeep Wrangler exactly the same color as the one Lily had been driving the night before. My heart did a weird flip flop at the sight of the car, because my mind was still in total conflict about her.
Here I was, feeling bereft at the thought of not being able to be with her again, yet she was able to be with someone else. How could I have read her so wrongly? I must have been projecting the way she made me feel on to her, misinterpreting her reactions when we were together, and thinking she was feeling as strongly about the way we were as I had felt at the time.
It struck me as a weird coincidence that she was on my mind and a car the same as hers would be across from where I parked. Jeep is a popular make of car. It was just that it looked like the one she was in, and of course its appearance prompted me to think about her again. A bit like when you’re going through something in your life and every program on television seems to be covering exactly the same topic.
Grabbing the beers, chips, and dips, I headed to the check out. The girl who was serving me had been to one of our gigs the week before and gushed about Crakt Soundzz, and how she was able to name and talk about a couple of songs. I couldn’t help grinning, it was cool when that happened— to know my music had touched someone and given them pleasure.
Still smiling when I walked away, my eyes naturally began to take in the landscape of the store on my way to the exit. My footsteps almost faltered when I saw Lily, leaning up against the cowboy she’d been with in the parking lot the night before.
His arms were wrapped tightly across her chest, and he was holding both of her upper arms in his hands. Her head was turned toward him, her beautiful long neck extended as she looked up at him. She was smiling. And fuck, she looked contented. Swallowing hard and trying to deal with the sight before me, digesting the fact that he’d moved in on my territory and marked it as his own made me feel so betrayed.
Lily turned her head back to the front, looking absolutely beautiful, her long curls cascading down the front of her little white see-through cotton blouse, a sexy smile on her lips, and her gorgeous long legs, now a golden brown and crossed at the ankles. Bombarded with a riot of feelings, anger mingled with lust, desire, frustration, and a relentless need to hold her, I headed straight for them.
The cowboy dropped his head, placing his face in her neck. She reacted by hunching her shoulder up toward her ear. He’d tickled her, and I remembered when she’d had a similar reaction when my lips were on her like that. Damn, the thought of my lips on her neck was turning me on, but the visual in front of me was all kinds of wrong.
Seeing them together made me livid, but I tried to reign in those feelings about her. I had no right to feel like that. I’d hardly given Lily the time of day, and I’d gone off without saying a word, and came back after five weeks thinking I was over her. Laying eyes on her again and the effect of my body in close proximity to hers in the canteen told me another story.
Still trying to come to terms with what I was seeing, blue eyes looked over and connected with me. Fixed. A reconnection between us, which made her smile freeze on her lips. Shoulders bunching a little, she inhaled, deeply pursing her lips—visible signs my presence had affected her. Lily’s gaze locked on to mine and followed me as I walked toward her.
I had no clue what I was going to do when I reached her, but I just knew I needed to keep the connection going between us. The cowboy leaned forward and spoke in her ear, and she broke our stare to look at him. The interruption made my temper flare; incensed that someone else had made a move on my girl, even though she was not mine.
Lily looked back at me, and as if by some magnetic force our eyes pierced each other’s again. The simmering embers of anger I had been controlling were fanned into a blaze of fire in my belly by the time I reached her. Internal conflict and a silent war was taking place between my head and my heart. I was fighting to control it and to hide how I felt because in all honesty, there was nothing I could do about any of it. I’d had my chance, and I let it pass me by. Not that I had anything to offer Lily, with Kara and Poppy to take care of.
Every step I took closer sent every beat of my heart faster. She looked absolutely stunning. The only thing marring the picture was the dude draped all over her.
“Hey.” I tried for cheery, but my voice sounded husky. “Lily honey, how’re you doing?” Without waiting for a reply, I invaded her body space to kiss the soft skin of her cheek and ignore the dude she was with completely. The crackle of electricity in the air between us made her breath hitch, her body language showing me I had her full attention. She uncrossed her legs to stand straight never taking her eyes off of me.
The dude’s fingers made white marks and indented the flesh of her arms, making it blanch as he tightened his grip on her. I was a threat. Struggling to control my breathing, I waited for her next move.
“Hi, Alfie.” She was nervous but trying to appear calm. It didn’t escape my notice how hard she swallowed though. Suddenly, the guy she was with was inconsequential to me. I had to touch her, so I leaned in and brushed her hair away from her face. Her eyes widened, her pupils dilating, and then her eyelids drooped in her sensual response to my touch.
Lily was trying hard to fight me. I saw this when she bit her lip, worrying it back and forth against her teeth. The air was beginning to thicken between us until she jutted her chin in determination and broke the moment by talking.
“Alfie’s studying music as well, he’s partly the reason Will and I perform together,” she offered for the dude’s benefit.
The effort of talking about me was difficult for her. She closed her eyes and swallowed for a brief second, and as they opened my eyes penetrated hers again. Lily’s eyes ticked over my face, searching it, a panic building in her, and I couldn’t stay angry at her.
None of this was her fault. She was a young girl trying to deal with life in a strange place, and she had the right to do whatever she wanted. With whomever she wanted.
“Is everyone in England this rude?” I asked, deadpan. “I’m Alfie, a good… buddy of Lily’s,” I cringed at the word buddy. It wasn’t meant in the sense I knew she’d read into it. I offered a hand to the dude to be polite, when I really wanted to wrap it tightly around his throat for touching Lily. “And you are?” My eyes flicked between her and him, wanting her to know I was annoyed about this, even if just to let her know I wasn’t totally immune to her.
“Max,” he said, curtly. “I’m a very close friend of Lily’s.” I snickered.
Max shook my hand in a confident grip, sizing me up. His eyes narrowed in recognition that he could see I wasn’t just a casual aquaintance of Lily’s, but the moment was broken when it was their turn to pay.
Lily pulled away from Max and began loading the items on the conveyer belt. She stepped back to allow Max to load cartons of soda. I didn’t want to leave her there with him, so I invented something to keep her talking, “I’m glad I ran into you actually, there�
�s an event that I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to know if you’d be interested in performing a couple of numbers with my band next month.”
Lily’s jaw dropped, her reaction making me smile. The way she looked at me was so seductive. She had no clue she was wearing her heart on her sleeve. She was standing there with this guy, but it was definitely me in there—inside her head.
“Some of our other friends are coming over for drinks tonight. Do you guys want to come, and we’ll talk about it then?”
Max cut me off, “Sorry buddy, thanks for the offer, but we’re going to have a more intimate party of our own tonight.”
Damn if that ‘intimate party’ shit didn’t piss me off even more. Clenching my teeth, my first thought was that I wanted to punch the dude’s lights out. Then flip her over my shoulder and take her home. I was at the point where I was done making nice and wanting her to know she felt things with me this dude wouldn’t even begin to understand
Max turned to pick the bags from the counter, and I seized the opportunity to touch her soft skin again. My calloused fingertips brushed across her thigh. Lily’s breath hitched briefly, and my eyes widened as I grinned wickedly at her reaction. Openly seducing her without words, she watched my overt appraisal of her body, imagining stripping her bare, licking my bottom lip, reminding her of how my tongue felt on her lips. Her thighs clenched together. I was turning her on.
Her breathing became rapid, and she squirmed. Lily was aroused, so fucking responsive to me, and all I was doing was looking at her at a store checkout. My dick was as hard as a rock, straining against the fly of my pants, the tip trying to find daylight over the top of my low rise waistband. She was uncomfortable with how easily I could push her buttons and blushed. Sensing Max’s body turning, my face became deadpan.
Lily was still trying to recover when the dude slung his arm around her shoulder and pulled her to his chest. “Okay honey, we’re done, we got to get going.”
He excused them and led her toward the exit. Kissing the top of Lily’s head, Max made eye contact with me in a ‘hands off’ look, before nuzzling her neck. I had the feeling he was hoping to convey the message to me that she was taken—which I took as a direct challenge.
Watching him walk off into the sunset with her was so fucking hard. I was fighting so hard to contain myself until the anger turned into a numb feeling, as I tried to block out what it meant when he was leaving with her. What he might do to her. Doing the things she should have been doing with me.
Before I knew it I was walking back past the line of checkouts and out the entry door, heading off and reaching my car before they even exited the building. Placing the beers in the trunk, and positioning myself in front of my car, I leaned casually against it, pretending to take a call.
Talking to myself and concluding the imaginary call as soon as they came into view, I was placing my cell in my back pocket when I looked up and stared directly at Lily.
She stared right back at me, a questioning look on her face. I had no answer for that. I had no idea what I was trying to achieve either. Maybe I wanted her to feel guilty. Maybe I wanted her to realize what I meant to her. But that was unfair. Confused that what I was feeling was causing me to interfere in her life—her choices—but I just couldn’t stop myself. I was being irrational and possessive, and she shouldn’t even be on my radar.
Looking past her head, the cowboy was also staring at me, staring at her. The dude was pissed, completely ticked off that I was becoming a fly in his ointment. I almost laughed out loud at his frustrated attitude and body language as he packed their groceries into the trunk. I hoped there were no eggs in the cartons.
As he packed the trunk his eyes kept flicking to me—watching me—and I had to bite back a grin when he flung himself into the passenger seat and slammed the door. The car rocked on its axel, and I felt a fleeting sense of smugness wash over me that I’d managed to unnerve the bastard who was taking Lily away from me. Lily walked silently with her head down and got into the car.
Max turned to face her and seemed irate. She smiled, and I sensed she was placating him. He became animated then reached over and banged her steering wheel. Lily’s hand went over his with a concerned look on her face, and I felt sick. She cared about that dude’s feelings. I knew then I had to let her go. Lily deserved someone who could give her everything. All I could offer was sexual chemistry and mind-blowing sex.
The following weeks were especially difficult for me. I threw all my energy into the band, college, and getting more money for the girls. Kara wasn’t attracting attention and was less dependent on me, apart from the cash aspect. As long as she was kept safe and contented, she wasn’t causing any problems for me.
Poppy was getting more and more attached to me. Whenever she saw me she’d react in that spontaneous, uninhibited way only a small child does. First reaction was always the same—an unabashed squeal of delight would escape her little throat, followed by her wide-eyed look of adoration as she jumped to her feet and started running at me with her arms outstretched for me to lift her in a hug.
When Poppy reached me, and that hug came, it was so full of unconditional love; her little chubby hands grasping at the skin on the back of my neck, as her little body melded into my chest and arms. She was a perfect little bundle of fun. And I loved her like my own.
That worried me as well. I would hate for Poppy to be affected by our separation when I was no longer there on a day to day basis for her. I hoped that at some point, Kara’s life would turn around, and I’d be free to be friends with her again, regardless of what I could provide for her.
Lily continued to be a constant ache in my heart. I did my level best to stay away from her, occasionally seeing her from a distance and resisting the urge to be near her. She was with her cowboy dude, and I had to respect that. There had been a familiarity about them that made me envious of the way they interacted together.
A couple of times I had snuck into the studios and watched her through the glass from the darkened corridor. She was with douche, and I hated the way he always found a reason to touch her. Will couldn’t keep his eyes or his hand off of her. They were both very tactile and every time she did something that sounded great the fucker hugged her. He did make her smile—I had to concede that to him. Whenever she looked up at him and her lips curved, he was always rewarded with her beautiful smile.
The most difficult times I came across her were when I saw her around the various clubs and bars. It always seemed to be when I was escorting one of the women who had hired me. At one point it seemed like every single time I had a job, she appeared in the same bar as me. It made me sick to see her when I was with one of those women. And how she would feel about that, what she’d be thinking about me.
Trying to blank her out most times, I figured it was the only way to deal with the way I was feeling. I was there to work, and anyway, I’d given up on any kind of reconciliation with her. It wasn’t like we could be friends after the liberties we’d taken with each other’s bodies. Well, I couldn’t anyway.
I prided myself that I’d only had one moment of weakness in that couple of weeks. Lily was standing at the counter, and I’d gone to get some drinks. Sensing she was there my eyes met hers across the length of the bar. We had this…moment, and I saw her eyes flick away nervously and back. She was uncomfortable seeing me. So I lifted my drink to salute her then went back to work.
I never saw her again that night, but when I crawled into my bed, her image flooded my mind, and I felt like a drowning man all over again. Thoughts of her having been in my bed haunted me. Every time I opened my bedroom door, I still had the image of her lying down looking up at me, perched on her elbow with her fuck-me heels resting on the edge of the bed. What man could forget that?
I didn’t know how to get past the feelings I still had for Lily. One thing that did stick out, although Lily was with the usual crowd, this had been the third time I’d seen her lately, and the cowboy wasn’t with her, so I figur
ed he must have been out of the picture. I didn’t know how to feel about that.
On the one hand my body craved her with an intensity I’d never known and she could be available, while on the other, she’d moved on from me in a heartbeat, and my head told me that was a perfectly good reason to leave her alone.
Chapter 16 – Heart On Fire
The next day on campus I overheard Neil, Mandy’s boyfriend, talking to douche about a gig they were all performing at. I’d seen them around, singing in bars, and they were students in Lily’s year at college. Sitting down beside a group of girls, I eavesdropped the ‘where, when, and what time’ this was going down. It couldn’t have been better, it was a bar where I used to perform on open mic nights when I was in high school, and I knew the owner.
After a quick call to Sandy, he’d reserved a table for me so that I had a great view of the stage. I was going to watch her in action. It was impulsive and calculating at the same time, but I kept promising myself this was about her and her music, not Lily, the hot girl I was lusting after.
Musically, it was a good night. All the acts performing were really polished and had a lot of artistic flair. There was a guy with a voice very similar to Dierks Bently, who was a secret favorite of mine. It wasn’t cool for a rocker dude like me to like country music, but it soothed me during troubled times.
He sang a cover of ‘Heart’s on Fire,’ by Passenger, and fuck, if it wasn’t a perfect expression for the way Lily affected me. The line, “’Cause I know those eyes and I know that touch,” choked me, and I struggled to swallow down the lump that grew in my throat at the thought of never being able to do that again.
Lily stole the show for me with her ability and singing voice, and I was not being bias. She had me mesmerized from the first note, singing ‘Jar of Hearts’ by Christina Perri. It felt like she was singing to me, and I sat staring at her from the moment she came on until she left the stage. Lily’s heart was on her sleeve—I’d hurt her badly.
Love with Every Beat Page 15
