People thought it was about a falling out of love with someone and in a way it was. It was about my dad and how he wouldn’t try for Layla and I after my mom died. At the time when I wrote the song I had been disgusted by how weak he’d seemed that he could give up on his kids. I hated how he went from being my hero to the shell of a man he was when he died. So in a way, I fell out of love with him.
During the last few months of his life I came to realize I couldn’t do anything else to help him. Layla and I had tried everything we knew to make him understand. Wanting him to at least try to get some fight back and stick around for us. In the end, I stepped away. Right or wrong, I couldn’t watch alcohol claim him from us.
‘Fade and Let Go,’ was a hard song to sing and for the most part I always kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want people to see me for fear it might cut through the numbness and I’d become emotional about it. Near the end of the song, I opened my eyes, tilting my head to the side where Lily was standing.
By pure coincidence the most profound line was at that point, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from hers. They were locked on her, unblinking, as I sang the words “If I can’t let myself love you, I need to let you go.”
She bit her lip, and I knew she thought I was sending her a personal message. Hell maybe I was, so I looked away, first to the crowd, and then closed my eyes again, shutting the world out of my pain.
When I finished the song the crowd, who had been silent, erupted again. Drew hit the intro to launch us into a riff- heavy number about a guy fucking a girl to the beat of a rock song.
As a band, we were more than satisfied with our performance. We played flawlessly, and my heart swelled when I saw the pleasure on Lily’s face at being a part of it.
I was still buzzing when we got off stage bouncing up and down like fucking Tigger. One of the roadies threw me a towel, and I slung it over my neck and dried my face with it. I grabbed Lily’s hand and led her down the corridor to the green room where we could get some drinks. We had about twenty minutes before the main act Phoebe’s Fix started, and I wanted to watch them with her. “Let’s go.”
As usual it was packed with people, groupies, and hangers on, people who worked in the venue but thought they were just about important enough to come share our air. It was ridiculous.
The room itself had four large couches, and a line of mirrors, a makeup chair, and two personal image girls standing in the corner. The buffet table ran the length of the room and the waitresses were already refilling the platters, wine glasses, drinks, and flatware.
Chapter 24 – Tension
I turned to Lily and held both of her hands. “So… did you have a good time?”
She nodded. “You were all fabulous.” I smirked and wanted to roll my eyes, but I was so damn pleased she had liked us.
“High praise indeed,” I teased her. “I’m gonna have a couple of beers here with the band first, then we can go out front and watch the headliners. Is that okay with you?”
She seemed more at ease now than she had at any other time. “Sure, take your time. I’m fine.” I was watching her walk over toward an empty couch when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was one of the promoters, and I got lost in conversation with him for a few minutes. When he left I turned to look for Lily again. What I saw had me moving at lightning speed toward her.
Drastic times called for drastic measures, and I knew she’d be pissed, but it was the best way to defuse the situation. I had to think about my band and keeping everyone happy, but I knew what I was seeing had to be handled in the only way I could get away with.
When I reached Lily, I slipped my hand around her waist and pulled her in hard to me. My mouth was on hers before she could draw breath and say anything. It was supposed to be a small kiss but it began to turn into a hungry devouring one for the both of us, until I dragged my lips away from her.
My hormones were running amok inside my belly, my dick was so fucking hard I didn’t think I’d ever go soft again until I had her, but I was trying to do the right thing at the time. Lily blinked vacantly at me, looking stunned and completely breathless. In her eyes there was lust and a rawness about them and fuck if I didn’t want to lay her right where we were and sink myself into her soft sweet pussy.
“Hey Lily darlin’ quick, there’s someone I want you to meet.” Turning to Harry, the predator on Lily’s radar I smiled. “Oh, sorry, man, Lily meet Harry, Harry… my girl Lily.”
I grabbed Lily by the wrist because I could just tell she was going to start protesting and pulled her away sharply through the mingling people to the other side of the green room. I stood her back against a wall in the corner of the room holding my hands in front of me. “What the…” Lily began.
“Shush,” I murmured bending my head in toward her ear. “You were almost fucked by a rock star honey.” Seeing her startled look, I smirked. “Harry’s the bass player in Phoebe’s Fix. He’s a crude bastard too. He fucks a girl and offers her to others as his sloppy seconds.”
Boy she looked pissed so I expected a comeback. “That’s rich coming from you.” Well jeez, I didn’t expect that one.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She looked at me incredulously.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Tell me if I’m wrong, but isn’t being fucked by a rock star when they take what they want without any emotion or consideration for the other person’s feelings?” she spat back at me in a hiss.
I stood staring at her, stunned. “Is that what you think? It wasn’t like that, and you know it. We…” I gestured my finger between us. “We used each other, Lily. You knew what it was, and you begged me for it, I heard you.” I didn’t mean to spit that out, it just happened, and I was so damn pissed that she could think that I was like that. Her mouth opened and closed a few times but nothing came out, and I snickered and began laughing at her.
Eyes flicking over toward Harry, Lily looked up at me again. “He’s still there,” she whispered, cringing as she looked past my shoulder. I was still smarting after her last comment and when I spoke there was a hiss to my voice as well.
“He probably thinks he can take you anyway, maybe I should just leave you to it.”
“No,” she said urgently, but with a pleading look. I raised an eyebrow and slowly began stroking her hair tenderly. She was scared and this wasn’t fair to her. My eyes locked on hers. The revolving door was starting to play on repeat for us as well.
When I was soothing her, she froze. I laced my fingers in hers and lifted them above her head, leaning them on the wall just above it. Placing my forehead on hers I tried to convey all the words I couldn’t say to her. Stay. Be my girl. I want to be with you, be inside you so fucking badly. Mine.
I was staring intensely at her pouring all my feeling into the slow deliberate movements I made, trying to give her the tenderness I wasn’t able to otherwise. Her eyelids were heavy with arousal and her breathing was shaky and uneven. Like mine.
There was so much sexual tension and crazy- hot chemistry going on in that little scene between us, words couldn’t have described it anyway. The intimacy we were sharing was more sensual for us being in a room full of people and fully dressed and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
I pushed a knee between her legs to part them, bending my legs a little to line our bodies up together, and settled my hips across hers, pressing her further into the wall from our thighs to our shoulders.
Conveying everything she did for me by letting her feel how hard I was for her, I wanted her to know what she did to me by just being around her. I grabbed her leg and pulled it up on to my hip, pressing my erect length as far against her as I could without actually taking it any further. It was torture, so near yet a million miles away from where I desperately wanted, no needed, to be.
My body hummed being so close to her, I was fighting with everything in me not to take what I wanted. My gaze fell on her gorgeous mouth, a fleeting memory of how those eyes had looked up at me in adoration while th
ose soft plump lips were wrapped around my dick.
Sensual eyes were willing me to kiss her again. I could see it in them, feel her silent plea. I wasn’t going to take advantage of her. I licked my lips and pressed my hips harder into her, feeling so disappointed that my resolve was weakening. Lily moaned softly and the choice that left me was to bury my face in her neck or my dick in her pussy in reaction to it.
So I smiled, let out a soft chuckle, and pressed my lips softly against her neck. A whoosh of air came out of her lungs followed by a loud groan, which my dick thought said, ‘game on’ and oozed a large amount of pre cum. “God,” she uttered raggedly, and fuck if it wasn’t the sound of ecstasy. I almost lost it. I had to taste her so I licked her neck and lightly nibbling her earlobe. Shivering, Lily groaned and shuddered, rewarding my effort with a rash of goose-bumps across her body. She moaned again and closed her eyes.
I knew I was consciously seducing her this time, and I couldn’t stop myself. My hand trailed down her back to cup her ass, and I pulled her even closer to me, grinding myself against her. God it felt amazing. “God, Lily…I want you so much,” I confessed, my voice breaking in its dry husky state of lust and feeling both pissed and elated that I’d finally just admitted how I was feeling.
Lily’s eyes fell to my lips, and I thought we were really going to go for it now. I licked my lips in anticipation and leaned back to check that this was really what she wanted. I was so fucking in lust by this point, but trying with every nerve ending not to do this on my own—she had to be in it with me.
Her gorgeous eyes were heavy and had a pink tint of desire in them, and I leaned in but still wouldn’t allow myself to lose control, so I placed my lips at the side of her mouth and waited, she didn’t pull away so I moved them a fraction and placed a closed kiss on her mouth, applying a little pressure.
“Save me a space,” she murmured and found the strength to push me back.
My heart stopped beating for a second, and then I moved away instantly. My breathing was ragged, but I managed to blurt out an apology. “Sorry,” I said, holding my hands up in a surrendering motion. I was struggling to keep my body in check, the adrenaline shock it had been subjected to already today slowing down my body’s sympathetic and parasympathetic responses to the hormones currently firing off at random in my whole body.
Des shouted and disrupted the trance-like state we were in as we stood staring at each other trying to get our heads around what had just almost happened between us.
“Jesus, Alfie, just fuck her already. The tension is killing me.”
Lily blushed red instantly, and my head spun in his direction. “Shut the fuck up and have some respect, dude.” When I turned back I came eye to eye with Lily and pleaded silently for her to forgive me.
Her eyes brimmed with tears, and she turned on her heels and ran, pushing through everyone and disappearing down the corridor we’d come down ten minutes before. “Lily, wait!” I was on her heels but damn she was fast. When I reached outside a couple of security guys and a roadie were hanging around by her and Lily was sobbing. Dan was walking toward her, and I said softly, “It’s okay, I’ve got her… I’ve got you.” I held my hands out. Dan backed off and walked away.
I placed my hands on her upper arms and turned her to face me. She was distraught. The look on her face made my heart ache so much. I pulled her into my chest and held her tightly and tried to comfort her by rubbing her back to soothe her. “Shush.” I rocked her back and forth. Her body sagged, and she took all that I was able to offer her.
She seemed to calm then pushed me away from her. “I’m staying here tonight. I don’t want to travel back with you. I just need a cab to take me to a hotel.”
I put out my hand to her. “Come here babe.” She raised an eyebrow, and her lip curled into a sneer.
“I am not your babe, Alfie, stop it… I’m not your anything remember?” Her words were like a sledge hammer to my chest.
“Come on Lily, I’m sorry, don’t be ridiculous…” My response pissed her off even more.
“Ridiculous? You and your perverted ‘mind fuck’ treatment is what’s ridiculous. I don’t want to be around you, ever! I hate you. You play with me like I’m nothing. Leave me alone, don’t fucking touch me again, don’t call me, don’t come near me. I can’t stand this anymore. Never, ever come near me again, I don’t want anything from you!”
Her outburst was long overdue, but it still rendered me paralyzed for a moment while I tried to deal with what she was saying. She’d had enough of me. Lily turned to a huge burly roadie who was standing watching her. “Please help me. I want him to stay away from me,” she said pointing at me. The roadie stepped forward, and I clamped my teeth together, my jaw clenching tight, telling me I needed to relax or I’d blow this.
“I got this buddy, she’s always this dramatic when she’s been drinking.” Hell, I knew I was patronizing her, but I just wanted the guy to leave us the fuck alone.
Lily’s mouth dropped her eyes flicking to me in a you- got- to- be- fucking- kidding- me look then she gave the roadie a pleading look. He leaned toward me in a threatening manner. “All the same dude, the girl’s upset, and I would rather you gave her some space. I’ll make sure she finds a place to stay, and you can take it up with her tomorrow.”
The guy was built like a tank so there was no use in me trying to take him on, so I tried to sweet talk Lily into coming back with me, but I couldn’t see her because he kept interfering with my field of vision. “Dude, you’re done, back off,” he said, ushering her away after another minute.
Beginning to feel a tightening in my chest as he started staring me down, I was frustrated because he wasn’t going to mess around with me. I had no option but to accept that she was leaving with him.
I thought maybe I should give her an hour and call her when she’d calmed down. So I went back and told the guys what had happened and that I wouldn’t be traveling back with them. I grabbed Des by his t-shirt and slammed him against the wall. “Anything happens to her, you’re fucking dead, dude.” I was beside myself, and I only had myself to blame, but there was no way I was leaving her here on her own.
The first two times I called her I left messages—asking her to forgive me, to let me come and get her. Then after that, the messages were more pleading and expressing my concern and for her to let me know she was okay. At one point I got pissed and told her that I wouldn’t just let her walk away. The mixed messages I was sending her were as confusing to me as they would be for her when she got them.
Sleep never came at all. I booked into a low priced chain hotel and listened to a couple having an argument about an affair he’d had for most of the night. At one point some other dude opened the door and called out his sympathy to the guy, telling her that he’d have had an affair if he’d been with her as well, ’cuz she wouldn’t shut the fuck up with her incessant nagging.
This led to the guy being torn up by his wife, arguing with the dude to defend her. Apart from that, the air conditioning unit in the room was on a par with a pneumatic drill. Neither distraction was doing anything to abate my anxiety levels or my worry about Lily.
I prayed that the dude she went off with after the gig was as protective of her as he seemed to be at the gig. So then my mind started on that and went into overtime imaging the worst scenario possible. I was so damned mad at myself for not being able to keep it together for her.
Chapter 25 – Car Ride
By the time it was daylight I was so exhausted and worn smooth by the whole deal, I was ready to crawl into a dark hole somewhere and hide. I hit the shower and had already made up my mind to head back to the venue to see if anyone knew the roadie’s name. It was the only thing I could think of apart from calling all the hotels in Orlando.
I was just drying off when my cell rang. When I saw it was Lily, my heart raced so fast in my chest, a sudden pang of electricity jolting it and making my lips tingle at the shock and relief of her actually returning my calls. I an
swered immediately. “Oh, thank God,” I said gratefully without waiting for her to speak. “I was worried sick.” She kind of snorted.
“Really, Alfie? That would imply you cared. Won’t let me walk away from what?” She was on the attack, and she threw back a comment I had made on the last message that I wouldn’t let her walk away from this.
It came out at a point where I was so pissed at her and panicking that this would be the end of everything between us.
“Why were you worried? We’re nothing, and anyway, I thought you didn’t do emotions.” I exhaled into my cell, my hand rubbing the back of my neck. She was right. What could I say that would make the situation better? I couldn’t think of a damn thing so I chided her instead, “This isn’t the time for glib remarks, where are you?” I shook my head.
“Oh, no you don’t, you don’t get to be in the same room as me again, do you hear me? I don’t want you. I don’t want anything to do with you. Why won’t you leave me alone? What the hell is wrong with you?”
I felt like she was going to hang up on me at any moment, and I would never get the chance to figure this part out. “Meet me. We’ll talk, I promise.”
She was silent for a few moments then said, “Are you out of your freaking mind? I’m not meeting you, I’m not… I’m just not… anything to you anymore. Correction, I was never anything to you.” I sighed heavily again, I couldn’t do this on the phone with her, and I hated that she thought she was nothing to me. “That’s not true,” I snapped back at her. I tried to sound calm, willing her to give me a chance.
“Last night on the bus you had the opportunity to let me in. You avoided me.”
I stayed silent because she was right, I did. If she really wanted to know then I was prepared to tell her what a fucked-up person I really was. Besides I was beginning to think we were done anyway. “You want to know about me? Meet me, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” She huffed down the phone at me, clearly fed up with the cluster fuck of emotions we were.
Love with Every Beat Page 23
