Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  “Why? Why should I meet you? What does it matter now anyway? I’m walking away, Alfie. You’ve made me a mess, and I can’t allow you any more of my time. You’re not good for me.”

  “Wait!” I shouted urgently. “I’m begging you, meet me.” My voice breaking toward the end.

  There was a silence then she spoke hesitantly, “You have one hour of my time and only because I’m curious. Fuck it up and you don’t exist to me, got it?”

  I sighed with relief. “Okay, where are you?” I asked pulling my jacket on and stuffing all my shit in my bag in readiness to leave.

  “I don’t know, but my car will be here in a few minutes, give me a zip code, and I’ll meet you… somewhere public, Alfie.” The only place I could think of was near the venue. I knew the zip code for that, so I knew the restaurant would have the same one.

  I was nervous sitting there waiting for her. I expected fireworks, and my nerves were visible with me rubbing my thighs and rocking back and forth. I was thinking hard, and began to look up, but then dropped my head again as I wondered what she was going to make of my life.

  When I saw her, my smile was genuine, my eyes automatically appraised her, and sweet Jesus was I desperately fighting the urge to hold her. I stood slowly my hand automatically reaching for her waist, but I pulled it back when my eyes connected with hers.

  She threw me a ‘don’t you dare’ look, and I dropped it to my side. “Thanks for agreeing to meet me, Lily.” I sounded worn smooth, emotionless but soft.

  I gestured to the outside table I had been sitting at. The waitress brought coffee, and Lily set the alarm on her cell, placing it in front of her. “You have an hour Alfie. Say what you want to say.” She was so pissed, and I felt I had nothing to lose now with her anyway.

  “You want to know about me? Okay, I’m twenty-four years old. I live in my family home… alone. My parents are dead. My mom died when I was eighteen, my dad a couple of years ago. One from cancer, the other drunk himself to death because he lost her… my mother. My sister won’t come home to see me because she can’t bring herself to come to the house that my parents died in. I can’t leave it for the same reason.”

  Lily looked visibly shaken. Frozen, her mouth gaping. She covered her mouth with her hand after a minute, and I could see her absorb what I was telling her. The horrified look and the pity in her eyes were reason enough not to share my life. “There is stuff that I can’t talk about. Or that I’m not ready to talk about. I really like you Lily, but trust me, I can’t and won’t get into a relationship.” I gave her a half smile trying to soften the blow of my words. I knew it wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

  “So you think the way to deal with your grief is to fuck up other people’s minds?” Giving me a pensive look she said, “How many ‘fuck buddies’ have you had Alfie?” I shifted in my seat because the term wasn’t what she was to me—she was never that to me if I was being honest.

  “Honestly?” I saw Lily cringe when I said that, probably expecting at least double digits.

  I looked up into my head wondering if she’d believe me. I sighed, “One, you.” A tear rolled down her cheek as she exhaled heavily and looked down at her hands. I could see her considering what I said, but to her credit she didn’t call me on that, but instead she stood digesting what I was saying. “And the other women?” Her voice dripped of sarcasm.

  “They’re… they don’t count.” Lily smirked like she didn’t believe me.

  “Me? What about me?” she asked, and when I looked into her eyes mine softened. She looked so beautiful. I could tell she’d had a difficult night with those tell- tale puffy eyelids, but she still looked stunning.

  I had nothing to lose now. Her attitude was one of defiance, and I’d resigned myself we weren’t going to be in contact after today. “When I touch you Lily, my head goes into meltdown. I just want to feel pleasure, which isn’t the same feeling as love. I told you I wasn’t capable of hearts and flowers.” She sat in silence again.

  “I don’t want to lose you.” It was almost inaudible. Her eyes flicked to mine.

  “Lose me? We’re nothing to each other Alfie. You can’t lose what you don’t have.” Damn, the girl was strong. Maybe she didn’t feel the same depth of feeling as I do, but she felt something.

  My speech faltered. “I know… but still…” I struggled with myself, trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say, my hand sweeping back and forth through my hair.

  “Let me ask you something—I don’t expect a reply—and if you walk away, I’ll let you, because it’s the best thing for you, but just let me say it.” Our eyes locked, and I just had to touch her so I leaned over and reached for her hand. Lily tensed, and I gave her a silent plea not to fight what I was doing. When I did that, I could feel the tension suddenly go out of her hand as it sat in mine.

  “I didn’t want last night to go like that. I’m really sorry, baby.” When I had started speaking she had broken my eye contact, but her eyes snapped back to meet me eye to eye again.

  “I’m not your baby.” I gave her a half smile and bit the inside of my cheek—that word had just added itself absentmindedly. I never called anyone babe or baby.

  “I know, sorry,” I said feeling embarrassed.

  Desperate eyes pleaded with me. “Why don’t you just leave me alone? You can’t say you don’t know you’re hurting me.” I bit my lip and took her hand in both of mine, and she let me. She sat passively, and we shared a silent stare before I spoke, thoughts running through my head. My mind was a jumble of words and feelings I couldn’t decipher.

  “I can’t… I can’t explain it, but I can’t leave you alone.” Lifting her hand, I brushed my lips over her soft skin again. My heart ached for more. My head screamed no, and my dick was as limp as a dish rag. The last thing I was feeling was aroused. All the shit I’d inherited from other peoples’ decisions was keeping me from her and making us so fucking sad.

  A tear rolled down her face, and I brushed it away with my thumb, leaving my hand caressing her cheek. “I don’t want to use you Lily, I don’t want to cause you pain. I want to spend time with you, I like you. I love being inside you, touching you, holding you.” Swallowing hard, and staring back at her, I said, “I wish I could love you, but I can’t.” I wished for that more than I could even admit to myself.

  Hurt flickered in her eyes, reflecting her sadness back at me, and she sniffed. “Why, Alfie? If you can’t love me then you need to let me be.” I knew she was right. Jesus, I knew it, and I’d tried, but maybe not hard enough.

  “I can’t do love… offer you that. I told you no hearts and flowers.”

  Lily became angry. “So you keep saying. You are so unfair. Please don’t do this to me, I can’t stand it.” Seeing her hurt and angry twisted my gut and the ache in my heart was so bad, I wanted to scream. I placed my hand over my heart and rubbed down the length of my torso trying to comfort myself, and I began to choke back my own tears that were threatening to leak.

  “Maybe if we spent more time together, you wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe my emotions wouldn’t be such a focus for you, if we were friends.” A single tear fell onto her t-shirt.

  “Alfie we were never just friends, friends don’t hurt each other. Do you think I’m your fucking plaything, Alfie?” A sob escaped her throat and wracked her body.

  “How about this? You leave me alone. Maybe meet someone who can do all the things for me you can’t Alfie, have you thought about that?” I couldn’t argue with anything she was saying. She was right.

  “You as much as told two guys last night that I was your girl. I’m yours to any man who pays attention to me, but I’m not yours Alfie, just as much as you’re not mine. All this hot sexual tension then the cold-shower stuff is screwing with my head.” At the thought of another guy touching her, holding her, doing anything with her, my jealously levels peaked.

  My feelings were so strong, I was scaring myself. There was only one thing on my tongue, and I had to bite it bac
k. She wasn’t mine.

  “If you were honest with yourself Lily, you’d agree that when I’m near you, it gives you pleasure too. I’m not wrong about the way you look at me.” I shook my head at her, staring into my eyes, beseeching her to agree. “You wanted me too during those few moments. I could have had you every fucking time.

  “I didn’t take advantage of that. I can’t help the endless sexual tension there is around us. I suppose it’s because you gave me the best sex ever, but you feel it as well.” I was struggling with a wave of emotions—lust, desire, anger, frustration and a few others that I couldn’t even begin to define.

  “That’s just it!” she gritted out. “I don’t want to do that. Well, maybe I do sometimes, just for fun,” she said confused. She gave me a half smile and latched onto that last statement by widening my eyes at her.

  “If you are talking about your needs, mine count too. I’m not like you, Alfie. I need love as well as sex.” She stared intensely at me and whispered, “I deserve the man I’m with to love me, to make love to me. I’ve had that now, so I know the difference. I know that I couldn’t live without that for the rest of my life.” I held her gaze and nodded slowly, letting go of her hand. Everything she said was absolutely right and nothing I could give her at that moment.

  The alarm went off on her cell and switching it off, she stood up to leave. “How are you getting back?” She asked. I had no idea—bus, cab? I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I hugged myself and looked up at her.

  “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get back.”

  “Come on, I’ll give you a ride, but don’t you touch me.”

  I couldn’t help smiling at the thought I was going to have a few more hours in the car with her. I shook my head and crossed my heart. “I promise, most definitely not.”

  She drove back, and we kept the conversation mainly on music. It was nice being in her company and listening to her opinions and influences on her music. I was so relaxed I fell asleep, I’d been awake for the whole of last night and after the past twenty-four hours my body was done. Waking up with the sound of the engine being turned off outside my house, I was sore from the position I’d been in and felt really stiff.

  Stretching out I turned to look at Lily. “Sorry I was such bad company.” I smiled at her but felt sad that our time together was at an end. Seeing the look on her face told me what I didn’t want to hear.

  “You’re not going to speak to me again, are you?” I sounded resigned to that. She shrugged but didn’t reply. I stepped out and closed the door. She didn’t hesitate, just put the car into gear and drove off.

  Chapter 26 – Dancing

  Lily never got in touch, never answered my texts, and eventually the message I had was loud and clear—nothing left to say really. Lily had been put through the wringer by me, and there was no way I was going to interfere again. One thing was sure from all of it. Lily was right there, with every beat of my heart. I thought about her day and night and had watched her through the studio glass.

  I met Mandy coming out of the registration office. She told me that they were all going to the Christmas party in the campus bar. Desperate to see Lily again, my mind was made up for me—I was going.

  When I arrived at the bar, my eyes were scanning the room looking for her. I knew she was there because I saw the set list on the board and knew her and the douche were performing. I’d missed her on stage though, because I was dealing with yet another drama with Kara. My heartbeat increased with every passing second, Lily wasn’t visible at first, but then I noticed this other student Nick on the dance floor with her. Nick had his hands on her hips and was leaning into her ear talking to her. A barely audible growl escaped my throat.

  My temper rose as a deep rooted possessive streak tore up from my gut to my heart and then my mouth. I wanted to roar at him to get his fucking hands off of her. Nothing prepared me to feel that strongly just from catching sight of her again. Did she just walk away from me and get right back on the horse with him? Fuck.

  Before I knew what I was doing, I was on the dance floor cutting in. I tapped Lily’s shoulder, and she turned to look at me. Her surprised eyes flashed pleasure and pain simultaneously.

  “Hey,” I said as softly as the music allowed me. “Dance, Lily?” I smiled warmly at her and saw Nick’s hand grasp her hip a little tighter out of the corner of my eye. So I gave him my full attention. “Do you mind, dude?”

  Nick opened his mouth and looked like he might mind after all, but Lily put her hand on his arm. “It’s fine.” She smiled warmly at Nick, and it didn’t escape my notice that she’d had a couple of drinks. “I would love to dance with Alfie.” Lily dropped her arms from Nick and stood a little awkwardly in front of me, waiting for me to do something. Nick stood there for a second, not sure what to do at being dismissed so readily, then shuffled off in the direction of the bar.

  My focus turned to Lily, and the music had changed to a slower song but not too slow to be regarded as sensual. ‘Need you now’ by Lady Antebellum and fuck if the words weren’t poignant to my situation. I tentatively gestured toward her for permission to put my hands on her waist, and she shrugged. I took this as a yes and slid my hands and arms around her waist.

  Her breath hitched as soon as I touched her, and her reaction to my simple touch made my hormones go crazy. The electrical buzz between us ignited, and there was a hummed response from both of our bodies that we tried to ignore.

  There was a slight tremor in my hands when she moved closer to me. Still working a swallow, she reached up and draped her arms around my neck. When Lily did that, I thought I was going to die with the need to have more of her.

  My senses were in absolute chaos. My desire grew needier with every second that passed, and I struggled to swallow; fighting to control myself and appear like this was just a chance encounter. A simple dance with a friend. So, I merely smiled at her carefully self-aware of remaining passive and wanting her to feel relaxed with me.

  I placed my head near her so that we were dancing cheek to cheek and couldn’t help but react to the touch of her soft skin on mine and the scents that made up Lily. The vanilla shampoo, the rose body spray she used, and of course the smell of her. Lily leaned her head on my shoulder, and Christ, it felt like she’d come home to me.

  After a minute of that first connection, we started to dance slowly. Having her against me wasn’t enough for me. I couldn’t see her face. I could feel her, but my hands were tenuously placed, and I wasn’t moving them for fear she’d get the wrong idea and stop letting me touch her.

  So I leaned back to look at her and couldn’t help smiling. She was even more stunning than the last time I saw her. Every passing day seemed to enhance Lily’s beauty in my eyes. Leaning in to talk to her when there was a gap in the music, I whispered, “Lily, you take my breath away. You’re so beautiful tonight.”

  Lily said nothing at all—just stared back into my eyes—our connection clearly still having the same crippling effect on us. My arms tightened around her body. My hands gliding lower to the base of her back, feeling the crest of her soft flesh as I pressed her closer to me, so that we were touching from head to thigh.

  “Your hands feel good.” At first I thought I imagined she’d said that to me. Then when she tensed a little I thought she might need a response.

  Smiling slowly, I murmured, “That’s because they like feeling you.” I cringed as soon as I said it. I leaned back to gauge her reaction and caught her gaze and when I saw she wasn’t pissed at me, I instinctively kissed the top of her head in relief.

  What happened next was beyond anything I thought would happen again. Lily’s hands ran up my back, one skimming my ribs and running over my chest, the other running the length of my torso, up my neck and tangling in my hair. My dick was doing somersaults in my pants, and I was struggling to breathe because even though she was in my arms, it was the last thing I expected, and I had no clue about the right way to handle it.

  A guttural groan tore
out of my throat at her touch and my heartbeat pounded like a drum against my chest wall. “God.” Lily placed her head on my chest and her hand over my heart. She could hear and feel the effect she had on me.

  Sighing heavily, my breathing ragged, I murmured softly, “I’ve missed you being in my arms.” Lily felt so right against me and a feeling of completion that was too difficult to comprehend wrapped around me inside. She tilted her head to look up at me, and I couldn’t hide my pleasure of the moment and smiled softly at her. I wanted her so much, that saying so much just wasn’t enough, and I just didn’t have the words for how strong the draw was to her.

  I felt that if I didn’t turn her away from me, I would have fucked the moment up by kissing her, so I placed her with her back to my front, and my hands moved down lightly onto her hips. My fingers were splayed wide, and I settled myself into her. When I did, the urge to kiss the soft skin of her neck was too tempting. So I nuzzled my face into her neck and kissed it lightly.

  I half expected a slap, but instead she leaned back against my chest, raising her arms to clasp them around my neck again. Centered on Lily’s needs, I tried to control my urge to rock my dick into her soft ass. She was there. Lily. In my hands, against my body, her smell, touch, the feel of her bombarding my senses again and creating sensations deep inside me that were so fucking awesome. And yet, I was desperately trying to abstain from taking this to another level with her. The Calling ‘Wherever You Will Go’ played in the background.

  The impulse to kiss her was becoming overwhelming so I bent and kissed her temple, then moved my lips her ear. “Remember your safe words.” As soon as I gave her a reminder, I was telling myself to walk away when the tune playing was done.

  “I don’t need them tonight,” she murmured and moaned loudly when I my lips brushed a soft spot on her neck the instant she gave me the green light.

  From the depths of everything good in me, I found some restraint and leaned back to look at her again. “I’m not going to use you, Lily. I just want to feel you near me,” I growled, then smiled. I could make do with just holding her if I couldn’t do anything else.