Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  Emotions were threatening to take over and I stroked my hair back and forth. Tough morning—I just hoped the day would improve.

  “Please, Lily, I don’t know what this guy is to you, but could you at least give me a couple of hours to talk to you?” Deciding I was done playing games, I wanted the guy to know I was a contender. My eyes searched back and forth between them, but I figured that Jack—whoever the fuck he was to her—wasn’t going to hit me. Like I said, he just didn’t look the type. Dueling at dawn, maybe, but no way was this dude gonna throw a punch at me.

  Lily was staring at Jack, and he was smiling a little in her direction. It kind of unnerved me because he looked like he was encouraging her to do what she wanted. If this was us in this situation, and some guy showed up at the door, I’d have pissed him the fuck off and closed the door before he had the chance to see her.

  Lily turned and stared up at me with those beautiful doe eyes and took a deep breath. In that moment, my heart stopped beating, and I held my breath, waiting for her to decide how the rest of this went,

  “Alfie, I seem to remember giving you the opportunity to talk to me on more than one occasion. Nothing you said made me feel any better about you. You made the situation between us clear to me. You don’t want to be in a relationship. We’ve established we can’t be ‘just friends’, and I have no way to include you in my life in a platonic capacity. My feelings for you are too strong.”

  Standing there listening to her, only certain words were registering. Opportunity to talk… nothing you said… situation clear. You don’t want, I did, I couldn’t—there’s a difference…can’t be friends…feelings for you are too strong. Huh.

  My brain was trying to assimilate all the information in that short speech, my adrenaline was causing havoc with my thought processes, and fuck if Jack didn’t move toward her and take her hand.

  How fucking dare he touch her when she was pouring out her feelings to me. Familiar crushing feelings rumbled through my gut, squeezing the life out of me, rising up and fighting for somewhere to go when they reached my chest. Suddenly, I was choking them back because if they reached my throat, I was likely to scream.

  My head instantly ached with the pressure of everything I wanted to say but still couldn’t. Serious intense eyes stared back at me. She was determined, but then again, so was I.

  “Don’t make me beg, Lily. Just two hours. We can go somewhere public, get some food, just… let me talk. I know I’ve behaved badly. I only want a chance, right here, right now, to try to redeem myself with you.”

  Pleading with my eyes, I swallowed hard, and smiled at her. Lily had told me no, but the way she was looking at me…it was a not right now but keep trying look. And it made me smile.

  After a few seconds I dropped my smile. The two of us were just staring at each other. The guy holding her hand was insignificant as far as I was concerned. Silent communication passed between us, and she turned to face Jack.

  “Can I have a word in the sitting room, Jack?”

  Jack’s eyes flicked to mine “Sit down and stay here.” His voice commanded authority, and there was a minor reassessment of him on my part. He could handle himself. Brushing her hand with mine as she passed by, she looked anxiously at me. I smiled, but it was a sad one.

  All I had wanted was to feel her skin again, and it was incredible. An elated feeling passed through my body when we connected. That’s all I’d wanted from doing that. To connect with her.

  Pretty nerve racking sitting in Lily’s house while she had a debate upstairs with a guy about whether or not to talk to me. Hell, if I was the guy and she asked me, I’d be shooting me down in flames to keep me away from her. So, I was sitting there picking at the seam of my jeans and wondering if he was talking her out of it. Or, I wondered if she was convincing herself she was doing the right thing to stay away from me. I was feeling helpless, but it was her call.

  Placing my hands on my knees, I pushed myself upright and began to pace across the floor. Negative thoughts rushed through my mind, like what if she wasn’t coming back to the states? What if she told me no, thanks but no thanks? What would I do about that?

  Resentment threatened to strangle me, the feeling grew from deep within. I was beginning to fight off irrational thoughts when I heard the clump of her heels on the stairs as she came back.

  Relief spread through every vein in my body when she told me she would listen, but that it was on her terms. Lily wanted it to be public and informed me we were going to a pub down the road to talk.

  Chapter 31 – British Pub

  Leaving the house I still couldn’t get a fix on who the dude Jack was. He was standing at the door, still not completely convinced that she should be leaving with me.

  “Is he someone I need to worry about?”

  Smirking in disbelief, Lily opened her mouth to speak, “Why would you worry? I’m nothing to you, Alfie, but since you asked, Jack is extremely important to me. He’s probably the most important man in my life after my father.” Fuck. That still hadn’t answered my question fully, apart from the fact that the guy definitely had her ear. She’d be listening to him as well if that were the case.

  “Can I hold your hand?”

  Shaking her head, she smiled and was absolutely adorable. It melted my heart, “No, Alfie, no hand holding today.”

  Not expecting any other reply, I bit my lip to stop myself saying anything further and nodded. I apologized because really, why would she want to take it. Her rejection was well deserved.

  “Sorry.”

  The pub was quaint. Old-fashioned with a large dark oak bar with all the spirits hanging upside down connected to hangers with optic measures attached and large mirrored panels behind them.

  I considered if this was so that the bartender could still see the patrons or if it was to make the pub feel bigger. It was pokey in comparison to Lily’s house, but it wasn’t busy.

  Smiling when Lily ordered water, I figured she was keeping a clear head. Not me though, ordering a large Jack Daniel’s and Coke, I was ensuring that I had some anaesthetic inside of me, in the event the talk with her didn’t go well. We sat at a quiet table by the log fire.

  Speaking as I sat down, her eyes met mine, and I could see she was worried about being there with me. “You never told me that night that you were leaving.”

  Lily came straight back at me, her low voice, hissing with anger, her eyes darting around the pub to see if anyone was listening.

  “Seriously, Alfie? I never told you? I didn’t realize I should be telling you anything. I obviously don’t know the protocol for disclosing information to an ex- fuck buddy.” All her anger poured out in that one sentence at me, and I deserved it.

  “I’m sorry, Lily. I came to apologize to you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I never wanted…oh God… I never wanted to hurt you.” Again I was looking at her intensely, my eyes searching her face for signs she believed me.

  Playing with her glass, spinning it around between her fingers, I could see she was nervous. Wanting to soothe her I stretched my hand out in a small movement and brushed my fingers over her hand.

  “I didn’t mean for you to fall in love with me, Lily.”

  Feeling her hand in mine wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more, wanted to rub her soft hand against my face and pull her next to me, but I couldn’t do that.

  Her eyes locked with mine and the pain on her face almost destroyed me.

  “I never wanted to fall in love with you Alfie. You warned me. You’ve not kept your side of the bargain either.”

  I hadn’t. Continuing to pursue her long after she called a halt was the worst move I could have made.

  Intense looks seared back and forth between us. No words were needed, just this silence where the air around us made a vacuum for our feelings to be sucked into, pooling together all the hurt and distress that had gone before us.

  “I know.” Finally speaking but feeling disgusted and sad with all that we weren’t able to be together.
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  Working a swallow, I spoke gently to Lily. “Can I explain something? I wanted to talk to you. There is something you need to know. I need you to understand why I can’t love you.”

  Clasping her glass between her palms she began rolling it back and forth, clearly nervous about being there with me. When Lily spoke, her voice was a small, quiet, toneless one.

  “How do you explain the stuff that you’ve done to me? How do you explain the women? How do you tell me you don’t want to be with me, yet introduce me as your girl and talk in the term ‘us’?”

  Rocking back and forth as my hands rubbed the rough denim material on my thighs, trying to compile my thoughts into saying she meant more to me than any other woman.

  I was trying to find the nerve to talk to her about my escorting job in a way that she wouldn’t view me as a man whore.

  “The women?” My eyes met hers, and I held her gaze intensely, staring and willing her to believe what I was about to say. “I told you that I didn’t want them, they picked…”

  She interjected across my formulating explanation, “…you… but you picked me… yeah… I seem to remember that line.”

  Closing down, that’s what she was doing. And I had to work quickly to keep the line of communication going between us or she’d up and leave just like she always did when things between us became awkward.

  “Are you going to let me speak or do you want to go on filling in the blanks for yourself?” She nodded hesitantly and gestured for me to continue. She picked up her water and took a sip, breaking my eye contact, and placed the glass back on the little wooden table.

  I didn’t speak until she looked at me again. Eye contact was especially important for this part. To see how she took the news, and if anything was salvageable of this ‘thing’ going on between us.

  Staring at her beauty, I thought this should never have happened in the first place—this wasn’t fair, and I blamed myself for the mess I had created for her. Taking a deep breath, I exhaled heavily before talking.

  “I can’t love you, Lily. Not with the work I do.” Her eyes widened then she frowned as they searched my face, needing more to understand what I meant.

  “What do you mean? You do the same as me.” Closing my eyes, I inhaled sharply. Shit. Everything she thought she knew about me wasn’t as it seemed. None of it.

  “The women do pick me, Lily. The music isn’t all I do. I’m a male escort as well.”

  Lily’s jaw fell open, like it had suddenly become unhinged. Her wide eyes ticking over my face, looking away in disbelief then back as a gasp forced air from her lungs. Nervously, she began giggling, “Seriously, you’re an escort?”

  Comprehending what I had just disclosed began to filter into her responses. “How many of them have you slept with?” Easy answer for that, but it wasn’t likely she would believe me.

  “Not one, I have never been anything more than an attentive dinner companion or plus one at an event. It’s a condition they agree to before I commit to accompany them.”

  Watching me, looking for any signs that what I was telling her was a joke or an untruth, I could see her trying to get her head around the whole concept of me being an escort. “Why did you start this between us?” My lips curved into a genuine smile of affection for her.

  “Why wouldn’t I? Look at you, Lily. I was drawn to you from the moment I saw you. No one has ever had that effect on me.” Lily was lost in her thoughts, biting her lip. And watching her, I could see her mind work through the conflicting emotions, both of what she felt for me, and how this information was changing that for her.

  Staring at her made me consider if my feelings were as easy to read as hers were, now that she knew me.

  “I guess Starbucks wouldn’t pay as much as escorting,” Lily muttered, almost to herself.

  Comments like that made me chuckle—it was the kind of thing Gary would have said.

  “Exactly, the money I need is more than I could get doing some minimum wage service work. I also needed something flexible with my music, especially now that the band’s popularity is growing, and we’re being offered more and more gigs. Maybe in another year we could be headlining around the state.”

  Straightening her posture, Lily’s eyebrow shot up, like she’d had some kind of eureka moment going on in her head. She smirked and when she spoke her tone was sarcastic.

  “So you can’t love me, because I don’t fit in with your plan?” Leaning over, I grabbed her hand and cradled it in mine. Still staring eye to eye, I held it to my lips and brushed them very lightly back and forth, willing her with my eyes not to break the connection between us.

  “Yeah, you deserve better than me, and I can’t afford to be side-tracked from this,” I whispered, a small smile curving my lips. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want you. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.” A truer statement had never passed my lips.

  However, the way I said it was meant tongue in cheek—as if she’d come second in my world. Music was important, and if I worked hard enough, it could potentially be my day job. Everything I’d ever wanted in life, after the death of my parents and Gary. Everything until Lily, that was.

  Yet, still I couldn’t say that to her, because there were Kara and Poppy to take care of, and there was no way I could compromise them by taking on another distraction.

  “So, if you can’t be involved with me, why are you here? More importantly, how did you know where to find me? What else don’t I know about you?”

  Inhaling sharply, I rolled my head back, there is more, much more and swallowed audibly as my eyes settled firmly on hers again when I dropped my head forward. “Okay, there’s more. What year do you think I’m in at college?” She twisted her lips, not sure what I meant by that.

  “You’re a senior of course.” Shaking my head and feeling really shitty. I swallowed again.

  “Lily, I’m not a student. I’m not in college, I attend college.” Her brow furrowed, and I saw that little jut she does with her jaw when she’s determined to prove a point about something.

  “Forgive me, Alfie, but you’ve lost me completely now. Are you or are you not a student at college?” I shook my head slowly as she stared at me. “You lied to me? You’re not a student?”

  “No, Lily, I’ve never lied to you. If you thought I was a student it was because you assumed I was. I’ve never spoken to you about why I was there.” That was the damned truth, she never asked, but then again, I don’t think I’d have told her the truth at that point anyway. She’d never have gotten with me had she’d known that.

  “But…” I smiled at her furrowed brow because she was damned cute and I couldn’t help myself, half expecting her to go ballistic at me for seeing the funny side of any of what I was telling her.

  “I asked you if you were a, music major. I never said I was.” Another fact.

  “So why do you hang around on campus all the time?” Now for the hard part.

  “You know how you hated me ignoring you on campus?”

  She nodded a little too quickly. “You explained that.”

  Shaking my head again, she was making assumptions. Placing her hand in the both of mine at that point I explained, “Actually, that was the one thing that I wasn’t exactly straight with you about.” Lily let out an exasperated sigh and waited for me to clarify the situation for her.

  “I’m not a student, Lily, I’m a mentor. I graduated two years ago summa cum laude. I mentor for extra money, but I have to sit in on some of the classes. You are my first breech of the rules. The university has a no fraternization policy. We could both be disciplined if we were found out.”

  She sat silent, too stunned by everything I had just told her to speak. Her eyes flicked over to me, and my stomach knotted at the dazed looked she had. “So everything has been lies and deception?” Not everything, but if it helped her to think like that then who was I to argue with her.

  “If it helps you with college, I can admit to the sexual relationship we had, but yo
u weren’t fraternizing. You didn’t know my position. I’m sorry, Lily, I couldn’t help myself with you.”

  She pulled her hand back and set both of them on her lap, choked with tears she was desperately trying to control. Staring at her, waiting for her to look back at me, willing her to, and she finally did. Once again we connected and there was a silent plea from me to her to forgive me.

  “You make me want to scream, Alfie.” Lily was frustrated by the mixed messages I kept sending her. Hell I was frustrated with me.

  Grinning I decided to take a huge chance by flirting with her and injecting humor into the situation, knowing that usually worked. “That statement can be taken both ways, you know.”

  Lily smiled at me, despite everything. Warmth and hope in her eyes, and for me, a feeling like sunshine after a cool rainstorm. “Lily, can I say this? When I saw you, I had to have you. I really didn’t think beyond that. All reasoning went out of the window with you, and that has never happened to me before.”

  Responding without hesitation Lily asked, “So what does that mean? Why are you continuing to chase me around when you don’t want a relationship? Do you know what it is like to be me? To know you have that kind of power over me?” Grasping her hand, I laced her fingers in mine.

  “I really, really want to spend time with you, Lily. I really want you. God… I want you so much, it’s like I need you to breathe sometimes.” Feeling as vulnerable as she looked at sharing how badly she affected me as well, I had to tell her something, make her understand that the whole thing between us wasn’t completely one-sided.

  “Do you know what it feels like for me? To see you right now, and not pull you close to me, hold you tight, bury my face in your neck, and smell your amazing skin?”

  She stared at me, like she was seeing into my soul. “Yes, Alfie, I do know, I feel that way every time I see you. The difference between us is that I won’t use you for your body. I won’t take what you offer. I need it all. I can’t allow myself your body if your mind isn’t connecting with mine.”