Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  Thoughts clashed and there was so much going on in my head. Drew and the guys needed to know, Lily needed…fuck. Lily. What the hell was I going to do about her? About us? We had only just begun to get on the same page, and I was going away again, and for God only knew how long. Lily should have been back by that time, so I texted her and asked where she was, then called her instead.

  “Hi.” I didn’t wait for her to say anything else.

  “You’re late. I don’t do tardy, no matter how hot you are.” My tone playful, but I was already worried about what Sly Records meant for us.

  “Here, now, time is valuable in a studio, you know that.” I hung up, trying to think of a way to tell her. Wondering how she was going to take the news. If I had told her when she came back the studio time would be wasted and her lesson would be lost. So I decided to tell her in the evening at dinner.

  Something had happened to her during lunch, I had a sense of that, but she didn’t mention anything, and I never pushed her on it. It didn’t interfere with her work at all, because she produced some amazing tracks for her vocal technique appraisal.

  Signaling her into the booth I said, “C’mere, let me play this for you.” My smile was wide, she had been brilliant. She walked over and sat on the arm of the soft brown leather couch. Patting the couch, I wanted her to sit next to me. Lily didn’t take the hint, and I could see there was something on her mind.

  I was about to broach the subject with her when her voice began to fill the space in the studio. Good-bumps sprung across my skin at the effect of the tone of her voice, it was so pure I swear it touched my soul.

  By the look on Lily’s face it was clear she was stunned by how good she was. Grinning at her I reinforced that. “You have the sexiest rock-chic-with-a-quirk voice. It’s like sex and maple syrup, we know it shouldn’t work, but it does anyway. You should never be worried about singing in public, Lily. People would pay to see you. Hell I would.”

  When we had finished listening we packed up for the day. And we left the studio separately. Being with her all day and not being able to hold her almost killed me, and I texted Lily about having dinner.

  I was worried about breaking the news to her about the band. Desperately wanting her to understand the opportunity that was being offered to Crakt Soundzz, but fearful she’d drop me again as soon as I told her.

  Life in a rock band wasn’t easy, and Lily was aware of that. Always open to offers and temptation. Lily already had trust issues with me, and that was my fault, so I was definitely worried. I already had an idea what this would mean for the both of us.

  What the fuck happened today between her going to lunch and coming back to the studio? Maybe it was just my overactive imagination, but Lily was off, and she was turning me down tonight. Lily did take her music studies seriously, and she was a student after all, but that wasn’t it. Something else was wrong. However, I let it slide because I needed to talk to the band anyway.

  The next couple of days were crazy for Crakt Soundzz, and I still hadn’t found a way of telling Lily. Drew was on my case—morning, noon and night—about it, and no matter what I came up with, there was no upside to this for Lily.

  For me and Lily, we continued to work in the studio, and she was professional at all times. I wasn’t even able to arrange to see her afterwards because of all the meetings and networking that had to happen, had to be done outside of her studio time. Three days without her and my heart was aching. She was quiet, and I could sense that distance growing between us.

  On the last day after we left the studio I had made up my mind we needed to talk about this. We couldn’t put it off any longer, and I didn’t want her to find out via Elle, who was still in touch with Drew as far as I knew. So I sent Lily a text when we were walking to our cars as usual.

  SEXPERT: Dinner…mine 8pm

  Sliding behind the wheel, I started the engine and began to reverse. Lily replied but I was already moving, so I couldn’t read it right away.

  Pink Lady: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days Alfie. You’ve taught me so much about myself. I love you, but for now, I think I’d prefer us to be friends. Please respect my decision. I don’t want drama between us. I know what’s going on for you can’t be easy, but it isn’t easy for me either. All I know is that what we’ve got won’t be enough for me.

  Arriving home I picked up my cell and started to read her text. Each line of text tearing my heart to shreds, each beat of my heart feeling weaker, until my heart sunk into my stomach.

  Reading it I was wondering what the fuck had happened? Lily’s attitude had been weird since that first day after lunch at the studio. Maybe she’d been mulling us over since that first night a few days ago and in the light of day, had decide she wasn’t prepared to go there with me again.

  Maybe it was the fact I had let her down again so quickly, running out on her again that next morning and putting Kara first again, that was the catalyst, who knows. Maybe, I needed to take Drew and Jack’s advice and leave her the fuck alone. Maybe my life was changing, and we’d drift apart anyway. Maybe I’d have been worried all the time I was gone that someone else was moving in on her. The only thing that was certain was that there were a lot of maybes.

  Working a swallow, I knew what I had to do. It was time to let Lily go. Beautiful and bright, Lily deserved everything I wasn’t able to give her. She was right, what I could offer wasn’t enough, and Lily deserved everything she needs in a man.

  My heart was on fire, both with love and grief. I was letting go of the one person in my life that made me feel whole. Making it easier for her to move on, but knowing that for me, that wasn’t going to be.

  SEXPERT: I love you too, Lily. I promised to respect your decision. You won’t get drama from me. I probably won’t be around much after this month. Crakt Soundzz finally got signed. We leave for London at the end of the month to begin recording late February. I won’t forget you. X

  Chapter 39 – Hall Of Fame

  I didn’t hear or speak to Lily after that text. Partly because I was so fucking hurt and partly because if I did I knew I’d be over at her place, begging desperately for another chance. Almost four months of hurt and I was all but wiped out by the whole ordeal.

  Emotional conflict waged battle after battle with my heart and my head and for my sanity I couldn’t allow myself any more assaults. Each and every night I went to bed it was torture.

  Nothing abated my mind from thinking about Lily. What was she doing? Did she think about me? Was she missing me as much as I missed her? Did her heart hurt as much as mine did? Over and over the same thoughts played like a long playing vinyl record.

  Speaking with the college professors was hard, I hated letting them down, but they had already been given the news and between them, had decided that I should dip out and prepare for the tour.

  Amazingly understanding considering I was leaving them part way through the year, but they knew what this opportunity meant to a musician. Very few people who make music get to live their dream. Even Kara was happy for me.

  Drew’s brother was stepping up and making sure Kara and Poppy was taken care of. Harrison was a great guy, and I knew that she would be in safe hands with him. Poppy loved him as well, so that particular worry of leaving them behind played less on my mind when I saw how easily I could be replaced.

  Before I left I went to see Mandy. I had promised her a gig with us, and after speaking to Keiron Hughes at Sly Records, they were willing to let us perform the Orlando event we’d booked prior to signing with them. Brilliant news for Mandy, because I also mentioned that Mandy had two numbers she was singing as a guest artist at that gig.

  Going over to see her was hard. Mandy hadn’t known about Lily and me until we went dancing the other week. Opening the door, Mandy’s smile beamed widely, and she flung her arms around my neck, kissing my cheek. “Alfie. Come inside, it’s good to see you.”

  I was happy at least one of her friends thought it was good to see
me. Running into Holly at the store had been a completely different experience, when she showed her skill at how many cuss words and adjectives for how she felt about my treatment of Lily, she’d been able to squeeze into the same sentence about me.

  Mandy and I talked about the gig, which was still a long way off, but we’d get ourselves organized and fix up some time to rehearse as soon as I knew what my schedule was. Gratitude oozed from Mandy, and it was kinda embarrassing really, because I wasn’t doing it as a favor, she really was that good and should have been discovered already.

  When the subject of Lily cropped up, Mandy held her breath. Conflicting loyalties between me and Lily prevented her from speaking her mind. Reassuring her, I told her that it had been Lily’s call, and that despite everything, I would probably always regret how I treated her and that part of me would always love her.

  Mandy’s expression screamed pity, and I figured that was my cue to leave. There was no way I was allowing myself to indulge in the feelings I’d been avoiding for nearly two weeks already. So I stood up and hugged her, and we came to the agreement we’d keep in touch, and I knew that Mandy would do just that. She wasn’t the type to make false promises.

  Leaving wasn’t easy. On the day of the flight to London, I set out on my morning run, my head swimming with thoughts about what this meant for us as a band and what it meant in terms of putting an ocean between Lily and me.

  The finality of what I was about to do hitting home. Knowing there would be a continent between Lily and me, I wondered if the distance would heal the constant ache in my chest and the gaping hole in my heart.

  Fuck Alfie, you’re a fucking wanna- be- rock- star. Snickering, if I got famous and the press ever inside my head they’d have a field day. A closet country and western fan, and pussy whipped by a twenty-three-year-old girl who didn’t want to know. It all sounded like a bad fucking joke. Pity it wasn’t one.

  Looking at the clock, I was packed and ready to roll with three more hours to kill. It was only seven fifteen in the morning, and the urge to see Lily one last time was fierce.

  Ten minutes reasoning with myself what a bad idea that would be, then rationalizing that If I went over there and just saw her from a distance that it wouldn’t count. Fifteen minutes later, I was driving in the direction of her apartment, knowing that in about twenty minutes, she’d be leaving for college.

  Parking in the lot next to the beach, I knew I’d have a clear view of Lily exiting the apartment building, so I sat with the radio on and waited for her to appear. An old country classic came on, Charlie Rich “Most Beautiful Girl in the World” a cheesy song, but I worked a swallow, fighting back my emotions and suddenly wondered what the hell I was doing.

  Forty minutes later Lily hadn’t appeared. I was torturing myself, and she wasn’t even home. Driving back, I switched radio stations and found the rock channel, The Script, “Hall of Fame” was playing, and I thought how fucking apt is that?

  Traveling to the airport with the others wasn’t easy either. Choking back feelings and pretending to be excited about the next chapter of our lives made me feel a fraud.

  Everything was out of my control, and I was in free fall. The band needed me to sing, Kara needed me for money, and I needed Lily. I guess someone had to be disappointed.

  By the time we arrived in London, I was a complete ass wipe—desperate for my bed and thankfully so fucking tired I couldn’t think any more. We had a day to recover then we’d be in meetings and rehearsals daily until we figured out what material they felt was best for the album.

  The management was already planning an upcoming tour. According to Mr. Hughes we were going to be massive. Staring at him when he said that, I thought, how the fuck does he know that? We were just a little rock band from Miami.

  Knocking on Jack’s door was a weird feeling. The last time I had been at his door was a few weeks ago, when I was looking for Lily. When he opened the door I could tell he was pissed at me, his lips pressed into a line, and he walked away leaving the door open and headed back down his hallway. Neither of us said a word.

  Making coffee in the kitchen, Jack had his back turned to me as I slumped into one of his chairs and began to play with a teaspoon that was lying on the table. “What are you doing here? I should kick your fucking arse for the way you’ve treated Lily.”

  Choked with emotion I forced down a swallow, I was close to tears with the release of finally talking about Lily again and it engulfed me. And talking about her with someone so close to her, only made it more difficult.

  I exhaled raggedly, still trying to find words to say, but the enormity of talking this all out again, just felt like a bridge too far. And for the first time in my life, I broke down in front of a man. Head in my hands, tears staining my t-shirt, I wept openly about my love and for the loss of Lily. Jack was great, sympathetic and supportive, which I didn’t expect at all.

  “I can see you love her, man but you’re not good for each other. Look at you, and I’ve seen how Lily is about you, you’re both fucking miserable.” Jack shook his head.

  “Actually, it was a destructive, almost abusive relationship you had with each other. Everyone will be better off now that you’ve called time on it, especially the two of you. And if you think you’re devastated by this, you should see Lily. Your relationship has almost destroyed her Alfie.”

  “Poor girl can’t even get out of bed. Holly’s worried to death about her, and I’ve got work so I can’t get over there for another couple of months. You have a lot to answer for in all of this, I’ve never seen Lily so low. She’s the most special girl I’ve ever met, and the most important person in my life. When she hurts I hurt. So, forgive me if I can’t feel for you as much as I should, but you fucked this up on a royal proportion, Alfie.”

  All I could do was sit and nod. Everything Jack was saying was true, I couldn’t argue about any of it. The following two hours was more of the same as I poured the whole story out to Jack about seeing Lily, how she made me feel, Gary, Kara…the whole shebang.

  By the time I had finished, Jack was much more in tune with where I had been coming from, but was still pissed I’d gone after Lily given everything else that was happening in my life.

  Telling Jack was a relief and when I concluded, I said, “Lily wasn’t a conscious decision she was an instant attraction who became an addiction.”

  Jack just nodded, thought silently and eventually just murmured, “Yeah, you got that right.”

  Jack ate like a pig, and my visit didn’t disrupt his appetite. He invited me to dinner at his local Italian. He was obviously a very regular customer, when a tall, beautiful, young Italian waitress flung her arms around him. Jack nuzzled her neck, and she giggled when he picked her up and spun around with her.

  An older guy behind the bar was looking on and cleared his throat loudly. Jack’s eyes flicked to me, then to the girl and back to the bartender. Jack smirked, and sheepishly apologized. Sitting down, Jack leaned in and said, “Hmm, I might just wait for that one, she’s only eighteen.”

  During dinner, we talked a lot more, and I learned so much about Lily from listening to him sharing what it was like growing up with her, the things they got up to and the constant affinity they had with one another. Surprised when at one point he said that despite the fact that they regularly slept in the same bed, he’d never have a sexual relationship with her.

  Exploring that point I prodded, “You slept in the same bed after parties and such?”

  Jack smirked and snickered, “Not just parties Alfie, all the time and anytime.” He went on to tell me that they had been put to bed together from the age of four, by their parents, and as they grew up, Jack was the one who continued to need that. Even commenting on sneaking into her room after everyone else was in bed when they were teenagers.

  “Not sure what I’m going to do if she ever gets married. We’ll probably be hooking up just to sleep in the same bed now and then.”

  Jack snickered as he reached over t
o pour himself some more wine, and I was thinking about the time when Lily and Jack left me on the sidewalk outside my hotel. My body had been screaming for Lily, and she had probably gone home and got into bed with Jack.

  Leaving Jack’s place, he gave me his card and told me that he’d be happy to show me the town, advising me to find some hot women and leave Lily alone to heal. Slapping my back, he told me he’d see me right, and that I should take him up on his offer. At that particular point, I needed a friend and Jack seemed like a good guy, so I agreed.

  Life as a rock star was going to be difficult. I always thought that meant no rules, kinda like my motto in life, the one that was tattooed on my wrist. “Don’t limit your challenges, challenge your limits.” How wrong was I? Suddenly it was, “You can’t do this, and you mustn’t do that, and this isn’t a good idea either…” The image consultant was on a mission to keep our noses clean, apart from being caught fucking beautiful women—which was perfectly acceptable by the way.

  Schedules as well, we were constantly being rounded up and herded off in one direction or another to suit the publicist, other public relations people, or image consultants. What happened to wild parties, getting drunk and hanging out with pot- happy music lovers? We weren’t even allowed out on our own unless we ran it past someone.

  Within three weeks of arriving in London we were in the studio cutting our album, attending music events to be seen at, and gaining new followers by the day. Posters of us donned the walls of the tube stations, and there was an endless round of press and music magazine interviews and radio appearances.

  Sometimes I felt it was all happening too fast, yet, we’d been doing this as a band for almost eight years on our own, five seriously now.

  Double-edged sword for me, doing everything took my mind away from Lily, but when I did stop to think about it, the familiar lump would appear in my throat, and I’d have to shrug it off and push past it to keep myself from breaking down or trying to call her.