Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  “Absolutely, I’d be offended if you hadn’t asked, buddy.”

  And, just like that again, I had created yet another scenario where Lily would have to spend time with me.

  Zoe came back and we headed downstairs, waiting in the VIP foyer for Henry to call and let me know he was outside in the car and it was clear to leave. I was checking my phone when I heard some people on the stairs. Glancing up, I nearly died when I saw Lily smiling up at a Latin guy, who had his arm wrapped around her shoulder hugging her close to his chest.

  Dipping his head, the guy kissed her on the lips and my initial reaction was to run up the stairs and break the bastard’s jaw for putting his mouth anywhere near her. While this was happening Zoe was firmly wrapped around me, her hands the back pockets of my jeans.

  What could I say? She wasn’t mine, and this whole fucked-up situation was never going to go away. Lily looked over and that was it. Fucking stuck. Staring at each other like no one else on the planet existed. Her staring at me like I was the only man in the world, and me staring back.

  Lily smiled at me then continued to walk down the stairs, still in the arms of the guy. Clenching my jaw and fighting my primal urge to deal with her once and for all, but what the fuck could I say? The only thing that held me back from beating the guy’s ass was what Drew and Elle had just told me. I was going to have to lose this battle and let her go with him. Consoling myself with the fact that losing a battle, didn’t necessarily have to mean losing the war.

  Devastated and so fucking worn down, I smiled back as our eyes connected again, and for a split second what I saw was regret plain as day in her eyes. Swallowing hard, I stood there suspended in a moment with Lily.

  One pretty girl clung tightly against my body while I was lusting after another. Lily looked away, and I did the only thing I could, so I turned my back and let her leave because if watched her leave with another man I knew I’d lose my temper and try to take what was mine.

  Chapter 47 – I am Alfie Black

  Taking Zoe home that night just felt completely wrong. All hot and horny, she tried everything to get me to fuck her, and I’ll admit I was as hard as a rock, but it just didn’t feel right. That was our first and only fight.

  “Alfie, I’ve tolerated a lot of shit from you over the time we’ve been together, but I’m not willing to deal with those moping fucked-up moods you keep having over this what’s-her-name woman of yours. You need to suck it the fuck up and move on.”

  Staring at Zoe; she was drunk, but she had a point and I liked her, a lot, but not enough to let her lecture me about who I should and shouldn’t love. I figured that might be the right of a girlfriend, but she wasn’t that at all. Zoe was along for the ride. And, granted she was a pretty smooth ride, but that was all she’d ever be to me.

  Besides, I was in no mood for anybody to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be feeling for Lily. “Never judge anyone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes,” my dad used to say. Right now, the feeling I had was that I was pretty much the only person that had been walking for a lot further than that, so people should keep the fuck out of my business.

  “Another comment like that and your time is done here, baby. That’s not a threat, Zoe. If it’s bugging you that I love another woman then feel free to hit the road, I’ve been more than plain about my feelings.”

  Zoe huffed and threw her hand up. “I’m not bugged cuz you’re in love with a ghost you stupid bastard, I’m bugged because we were doing great before you got your dick in a twist again over someone who doesn’t deserve you.” She snickered.

  “Look at you, Alfie, you’re Alfie Fuckin’ Black, rock god superstar, and your dick should be worn smooth and hanging off with all the pussy that gets waved at you on a daily basis.”

  Staring at Zoe in disbelief, I’d never seen her like this before. She was the smooth, mellow, cool chick who didn’t give a fuck what groupie grabbed my balls or tried to sit on my dick. Probably the most open- sex-minded person I’d ever come across. In fact, I wouldn’t have put it past Zoe if she’d have been happy for me to be fucking other people as well.

  “Your point being? You’re horny, and I won’t fuck you, Zoe, and now you’re pissed to fuck off with me, am I right?” Zoe stamped around the room gathering her stuff and shoving it in a bag. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  My eyes followed her around as she collected item after item from off the nightstand and floor, she walked out of the door, and into the closet. “Are you leaving?” I asked flatly.

  “Is that what you want, Alfie? If that’s what you want I’m happy to vacate tomorrow when I have sorted through everything here. No, I wasn’t leaving, but I figured that if you weren’t interested in meeting my needs I’d just go over and sleep at Andy or Des’s place. And before you say it, no not to get laid, but I figure if I’m not getting laid here I might as well be celibate with people who are less fucking miserable all of the time.”

  Belly laughing, I shook my head. “Un-fucking-believable. Are you emotionally attached to anything apart from your purse collection, Zoe?” Turning around on her heel as she opened the condo door, she took her shoe off and threw it at me. Jumping backwards, it sailed past my torso and bounced off the hardened window pane.

  “Fuck you Alfie Black. You might be a great lay, but you have no fucking right to talk to me like that. We’ll talk about this tomorrow, when you’re feeling less pissy and sorry for yourself.” With that she banged the door and left me standing alone in my apartment.

  Heading straight to the liquor cabinet, I poured myself three fingers of whiskey in a wide tumbler and downed it in one. Alcohol scorched my throat, it left me feeling sick. Throwing myself on the bed, I lay staring at the ceiling and thought about looking into Lily’s eyes tonight. Strange, Zoe had been with me for a year and the moment she left the apartment as far as my mind was concerned she was incidental in all of this.

  Buzzing woke me and I leaned down to pull my cell out of my jeans pocket, vaguely remembering I’d gone to the bathroom in the middle of the night then stripped and got into bed. Memories of the fight I’d had with Zoe fresh in my mind I thought it was her calling me.

  “Were you still asleep you lazy shit, it’s two o’clock. Get your lazy ass out of bed and call me back when you’re decent.” Click. Rick Fars had called, and confused because I had just woken up, I scrubbed my hand down my face thinking what the hell did he want?

  I thought about calling Zoe to see where she was, but after weighing whether that really mattered any more, I decided it was probably better to let her turn up in her own good time. Showering, I wrapped a towel around myself and called Rick back.

  “Oh, you decided to get your ass up after all?” Rick snickered down the line at me.

  “Dude, I’m Alfie Black, I’m a fucking rock star, I’m supposed to sleep late and party into the night.” Rick started laughing again.

  “Party? Fuck, Alfie I’ve seen more life in a morgue than when we’ve socialized lately. You should be sponsored by a liquor company cuz your moping ass and miserable face is enough to drive anyone to drink.”

  Drying my groin and picking up my jeans from the floor, I shook them out and pulled them on. “So, did you just think, Oh, l think I’ll just call Alfie and throw a few insults his way or did you have a real reason for calling me?”

  “I did. I mean I do.” Rick snickered. “Alright, are you ready for this…Lily…”

  As soon as he said her name I panicked, what was he going to tell me, she’s going out with him? She’s getting married? Jeez my whole body was physically shaking, and my mind was racing, working a dry swallow, I said,

  “For fuck’s sake Rick? Lily What?” Rick started laughing and I began to feel my temper rise, I was just about to shout at him when said, “Lily’s band’s been signed by our guys.”

  “Huh?” I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly.

  “Dude, did you hear me? XrAid have been signed by Sly. How fucking cool is that?”
>
  Blood swished in my ears and my mouth was dry. Lily was going to be around me as long as I was in the band. Not sure whether that was a good or bad thing, my emotions were in meltdown again.

  “Where did you get that nugget of information?”

  “James, my lawyer. He brokered the deal for XrAid. Lily called asking me for advice, and I offered James’s services.” Rick and I talked a bit more about them as a band and Rick, just like me, felt that Lily was special as a performer, and a few other things besides. We were just concluding our call when I heard the key in the lock, and Zoe pushed the door open.

  Aloof in her attitude, she walked past me through to the bedroom and into the shower, locking the door behind her. That really pissed me off. This was my home and she was wandering through it, ignoring me like she fucking owned the place.

  Using the side of my fist I banged on the door. “Out here, I want to talk to you.” When I got no reply I banged again.

  “If you don’t open this fucking door now I’m kicking it in.” Click. Zoe opened the door wrapped in a towel.

  “Mm-hm. I see your pissy mood hasn’t improved overnight.” Seeing red I grabbed her by her upper arms and walked her over to the bed sitting her down heavily.

  Between seeing Lily last night and the fight with her, and on top of it all Rick’s phone call, I was more than up for venting how I felt. Everyone else was quick to tell me what they were thinking, and so I gave Zoe both barrels.

  “Listen to me and listen well cuz this is a one- time thing, I’m saying right now. You’re were absolutely right last night Zoe. I am Alfie Black! Alfie Black the fucking rock god superstar. Fucking top dog of the rock world. I could get laid every hour on the hour and probably more if that was what I wanted. And…I don’t have to have you to do it either.”

  Zoe was sitting on her hands on the bed staring at me while I paced, collecting everything together in my mind that I’d been bottling up.

  “Here’s the deal. Before I was Alfie Black, ‘the rock star,’ I was Alfie Black. Just, a guy in a band who loved music and got laid every time I played. Sometimes twice a night, sometimes more. Yeah, I’ll admit that I was a dirty bastard, and I’m not proud of the way I behaved back then. I was young and all I was worried about was making music, drinking beer, and fucking the next pretty girl who stuck her head above the wall.”

  Zoe sat quietly and I continued, “What happened with that? Fucking responsibility happened. Way… too much responsibility. First, for my mom and Layla, then for Kara and Poppy, then the band and every other fucker who wanted a piece of me. Working three jobs and watching my dad slowly drink himself to death after my mom died. Of course I was happy to fuck anything that moved, because what I was seeing is that life is short, life is fucking ruthless, and we never know what’s around the corner.”

  Staring at Zoe, watching me, I kept going, “All that changed the day I saw her. My girl. Stunningly beautiful, smart sexy- as- sin, but she looked so fucking innocent. I didn’t stop to think for one minute before I first went after her. By the time I did, I had created a cluster-fuck for the both of us. No one will ever replace her. No one.”

  Pacing, I turned and threw my hand out at her, “So, you can bitch all you want about how I’m behaving. Remember, I’m fucking Alfie Black. That means I get to make the rules, and I get to break the rules. So, let me say this…as long as she’s in here,” I tapped my temple with my finger, “I won’t be fucking you or anyone else. Got it? You are no substitute, and I’m sorry if that’s what you think you are. And if that makes me pussy whipped then, yeah it’s a title I’ll gladly take, because she’s so fucking worth it.”

  Zoe looked at me, and by that point I didn’t really care what her reaction was, because Lily held my heart, and I didn’t care who knew it.

  “So, are you done? Are we getting breakfast or are do you have more you want to vent cuz Alfie, if you do, I’m happy for you to get it all out, but you need to feed me first, cuz I’m fucking starving here.”

  Just like that Zoe was back on side. For the next few weeks, life was busy, the guys and I flew to Los Angeles, Utah, and Chicago, playing a couple of gigs and doing some media appearances. Lily was still in my mind. I had spoken on Skype with Jack and had managed to ascertain that Lily was still seeing the Latin dude. My anxiety levels went through the roof when Jack told me that Lily said it was becoming more than a casual thing.

  Rick was great actually, he called to tell me that XrAid had a launch party and to get my ass back for it, if I wanted to see Lily in action. So after the last television appearance, I chartered a plane to get home in time for it.

  Calling Zoe from the airport, I told her I wasn’t coming home for another day and she asked if she could come to the XrAid afterparty. I was pissed with Elle for mentioning it to Zoe, because I was hoping to get some time to talk to Lily, but with her there, it was going to seem pretty fucking awkward. I’d already been feeling pretty keyed up about maybe talking to Lily, and with Zoe there it was going to seem that much harder to achieve with any level of sensitivity about it.

  I missed most of the gig, so I decided to forget trying to make that and headed straight to the hotel. The way I was feeling, I wasn’t confident she’d even look at me, but I had booked the penthouse, thinking it would be easier if I did manage to talk to her, for us to have some privacy.

  We were late to the after- party, and I left Zoe standing with Henry and set off in search of Lily. Seeing Rick sitting with her over on the right hand side of the room, I headed straight for them, and Rick’s mouth spread into a grin.

  “Well, well. Don’t look now, Lily, but we have company. My night just got a whole lot more interesting.” The guy was a first class shit stirrer, and his comment pissed me off.

  Lily looked over her shoulder, and her mouth gapped, before she caught it and worked a swallow. She couldn’t take her eyes off of me though, and that gave me the confidence I needed to forge ahead with my plan.

  Rick got to his feet and extended his hand. “Alfie, dude, how the fuck are you doing?” He smirked pretending to be surprised that I was there.

  “I’m good. I need to talk to Lily,” I said, my eyes switching between him and Lily.

  Rick stared silently at Lily, waiting for her to comment. She didn’t.

  Breathing out heavily like he was exacerbated, Rick commented, “Everyone needs to talk to Lily tonight, dude,” he smirked, and I knew he was fucking with me.

  “Right now though? She’s talking to me.” Looking pleased with himself Rick was going to make me work for it.

  I shifted from hip to hip feeling pissed he knew how much this meant to me. “Dude, I want some fucking time alone with Lily.” Rick scratched his chin, and I wanted to rip his fucking face off if he didn’t get out of mine.

  “Why?” Clenching my jaw and trying to stay cool.

  “It’s personal,” I exhaled heavily, still trying for calm.

  Rick smirked again, “Hmm, don’t believe you have personal stuff when you have a girl already, Alfie. Where is Zoe anyway?”

  Damn, the dude was definitely looking to get his ass kicked mentioning her.

  Lily cleared her throat while I was trying to think of something to say. And Rick and I stared at her. “It’s okay Rick, what do you want Alfie?”

  “Alone, please?” My eyes pleaded with her she turned to Rick.

  “Can we have a couple of minutes Rick?” Feeling relieved I ran my hand through my hair and mouthed a, “Thank you.”

  After making a show of leaving, Rick walked away, and I turned and smiled at Lily. “Hey,” I said softly. She was nervous but having her in front of me was so incredible. Part of me wanted to pull her into my arms, part of me wanted to kiss her, and the whole of me was just thankful she was giving me the time.

  I had to touch her, and placed my hand over both of hers clasped on her lap. “Don’t,” she whispered, swallowing hard again. When the pain she was feeling made her close her eyes, I wanted to hug her. “Ple
ase don’t touch me.” Lily’s voice was barely a whisper.

  I pulled my hands away. “Please Lily, talk to me.”

  Looking directly at me, she said, “This isn’t fair, Alfie, please. Just let me go. I don’t want to talk to you. It hurts me.”

  Feeling desperate, I said, “Then don’t talk, just listen. You are so fucking incredible, Lily. You have grown, in every way, since I first met you. I have no idea how to explain this to you. How I feel about that. About you.”

  “Alfie, I don’t care how you feel. Our relationship is dead and buried. We love each other, but you have a new life now, and I have mine. I like my life, Alfie. How would your girl feel about you being over here? Talking to me, and telling me, I don’t know, how you feel?”

  Staring over my shoulder in Zoe’s direction, I looked back at Lily. “I would really like to talk to you. Alone.”

  “And I really wouldn’t like that,” she whispered back.

  “Why? It’s a fair question.” My eyes searched her face and I waited for her to explain.

  She fidgeted with her hair. “I’m with someone else, Alfie.”

  “Who? Not the smooth guy from the club?” She nodded and smiled, but I knew this already.

  “Yeah, Luca’s great. I’m having fun with him. Don’t come along and interfere with that…not now. I’m happy.” The look on her face told me that was a bold faced lie.

  Turning my head to look for him, he was nowhere to be seen. “If you’re so fucking happy, where is he?” I held my hands out.

  She smiled smugly. “He’s in Milan right now. He had a prior engagement that he was responsible for. He couldn’t get out of it, but he’s coming home in two days.”

  Trying to figure out what to say next, Rick turned up carrying two glasses of champagne with Zoe in tow. “Are we all done here?”

  Pushing myself up from the table. “Take care, Lily, until next time,” I mumbled and walked away with Zoe. If Lily had thought I was going to roll over at that then she had another think coming.