by Leigh Riker
“I didn’t understand all your reasons until Kansas City, but...” The kitchen door banged shut in the distance, and his nephew, Nick, rushed out onto the porch.
“Are you done talking?” he yelled, racing down the steps.
Grey ruffled Nick’s blondish hair, so similar to Grey’s sister’s. He had Logan’s deep blue eyes. “We’re done,” he said, “but I think the little girl who came to see us might like to meet someone more her age. Nick, why don’t you go into the barn? Her name is Ava. You can introduce her to Red and the others.”
“And I could show her my horse—” Nick stopped. “Oh, I forgot he’s not here. My other ones are, though.” Nick edged away from Grey’s side, obviously forgetting that the quarter horses at Wilson Cattle weren’t really his. “We have carrots in the barn,” Nick said as he ran off, then stopped to pick up Stormy from the ground before he disappeared into the barn. Nick called back, “We can feed ’em, right, Uncle Grey?”
“Just watch your fingers.” Grey gazed after him. So did Shadow. Finally, hands on his hips, he said, “Leave it to the kids, huh? I hope she’ll be all right with Nick. He comes on pretty strong sometimes, but maybe she shouldn’t be alone just now.”
Shadow managed a half smile. “Thanks for asking him over.”
Grey shook his head. “I didn’t. Logan dropped him off. He had to go into town with Blossom for her doctor’s appointment, so I told them I’d watch Nick,” he said. “That was after we set up a time for Ava to come here, but last-minute for them, and I didn’t want to say no to Logan—he’s taking Blossom out for lunch, too.”
“No, I’m glad Nick’s here. Ava hasn’t made many—or, should I say, any—new friends yet.”
Grey watched the doors to the barn. “We’d better supervise. There’s no telling what two kids can get into in there.” He turned back to her. “Before we do, I need to say this—when you first told me about Ava, I was shocked, yes, even angry that I’d been left out. And that’s just for starters. When I actually saw her, I was stunned. Ever since, I’ve been thinking how to handle this. I’ve studied every picture of her in the baby book you lent me, learned a little bit of what her early life was like, but that’s not enough. I want to play a role from now on—a big one—in Ava’s life. I won’t be shoved aside again.”
Shadow held her breath. “What exactly does that mean?”
“I never saw her take her first steps, I never heard her speak for the first time, I never got to hear her say dada or learn who that little person was inside her head—all the opinions and interests, the favorite dolls, first storybooks, her love of horses. I never held her in my arms or took care of her when she was sick.” He drew a harsh breath. “I’m her father. I always have been. I want to be the daddy she thought she never had, Shadow.”
She blinked, not sure how to react. Her throat had gotten tight, and besides, what could she say? Grey was right. He was being so good with the children, so tender with Ava.
“I know,” she said at last. “I want you to be part of Ava’s life.”
And mine, she thought.
Maybe they wouldn’t need to go to court about custody. Grey hadn’t even mentioned that, so Shadow decided the fear must have been in her mind.
Could they put Jared’s death behind them and be together again? A family. She felt half-afraid to believe.
* * *
GREY STROLLED INTO the barn. The children were up ahead of him in the aisle. In a shaft of sun and dust motes, they walked along the row of stalls on the right-hand side, stopping at each one to greet the horse inside. Nick knew them all by name and several of them from the short rides Grey gave him whenever he came to visit. A year ago a quick walk around the outdoor corral with Grey holding the reins would have been enough to set Olivia off, but she now seemed resigned to the notion that her son was a little cowboy in the making—and didn’t need to be overly protected.
Logan had been giving him lessons and Nick seemed to be a natural; he was already good at the trot and would soon learn how to canter the horse on his own. After that, Grey supposed he’d be galloping all over the Circle H and Wilson Cattle.
“Look at this one!” Ava drew Nick to the next stall. “He’s got yellow hair.”
Ava was several inches taller than Nick and was two years older, yet their age difference didn’t seem to matter. They were already bonding through their mutual love of horses.
Grey smiled. He didn’t know what Nick had first said to Ava, but whatever it was, her tears were now drying on her cheeks.
“That’s Bucky, for buckskin,” Nick told her, obviously the expert. “Be careful. You shouldn’t run or you’ll scare them. And he bites. So does my daddy’s horse—I mean, Grandpa Sam’s. Cyclone doesn’t have any manners,” Nick said, which was true. The young black colt at the Circle H did need to be properly trained.
Grey glanced at Shadow, who had followed him in. Resenting her for the ten-year silence about Ava hadn’t gotten him anywhere. Maybe he should take a page from the children’s book.
“Nick, the carrots are in the tack room fridge. If you guys do a good job, you can ride later.”
“We’ll be right outside,” Shadow said, not seeming too comfortable with his suggestion.
He hastened to reassure her. “I know Ava hasn’t ridden before. I won’t let anything happen to her. If she had a bad experience the first time—”
“That wouldn’t be good.”
“No it wouldn’t. She’ll be fine, Shadow. I promise.”
Satisfied that the kids would be safe in the barn, he walked her out again into the sunlight. Grey propped one booted foot on a lower board of the corral fence. “So,” he said, “what exactly are we going to do?”
“I wish I knew. We have to do what’s right, but figuring that out isn’t easy.”
Grey gazed at the corral where Nick and Ava would ride that afternoon. Something inside him had settled but he wasn’t as sure about Shadow.
“I’ve dreamed of this,” he said. “Having kids, seeing them run all over this ranch the way Logan and his brother Sawyer and I did when we were growing up. Like Nick, we were always either here or at the Circle H.”
“Little cowboys,” she murmured.
He cleared his throat. “Now Ava’s here—and she’s mine. I can’t tell you how that feels, seeing her at Wilson Cattle. My home, and my family’s. I want to see her enjoy this place. Not only today, but just like I did then. Like I still do.”
“I understand. But, Grey, being here is so hard for me. It makes me remember—”
“Jared.”
“Yes, and my father too. Wilson Cattle paid our bills—that is, whenever he was working.” She frowned. “He must have been hired and fired a dozen times. I can still hear my mother crying about that, long before we lost Jared here.”
“Sure, our fathers went back and forth for years,” Grey said. “But you know why your dad got fired. He didn’t show up. Or he went home early. His work ethic wasn’t the best, to put it mildly.” Which reminded him of Cody. Grey was still trying to re-educate him. “He sat on his—He was lazy, Shadow. You were well aware of that.”
“That’s true, and I’m also aware that your father always took him back. We were grateful.” Shadow paused. “That was very nice of him, Grey. But it’s still painful.”
Grey nodded. “He felt sorry for your mother. For all you kids.” He traded one foot for the other on the rail. “I hate to say this, but your dad also took money from the ranch office. He sold a new saddle that wasn’t his for cash once, then claimed he’d never seen it. And still, my father gave him another chance. For your sake, too. He liked you, Shadow. He would have come around, about us, but not until we were older.” Grey’s mouth tightened. “I want Ava to grow up—the rest of the way—without the turmoil I had, with a better role model than you had. I hope you’l
l agree that’s me.”
“I want to, Grey. I do, except—”
His spirits sank. “It always comes back to that, doesn’t it? It thought the trip to Kansas City helped. Our talk about the shooting, about Ava’s birth. I kissed you,” Grey reminded her. “You kissed me back. I’d hoped we were closing in on the truth about Jared.”
“But what if you never find that?”
Grey sighed. “Even if I don’t, we’ll still have Ava to consider.”
Nick and Ava chose that instant to burst out of the barn. “Uncle Grey! You gotta see how much Nugget likes Ava. I already brushed Cinders. Can we ride now?”
His mind still half in the hotel bar where he’d thought they were getting somewhere at last, Grey stepped away from the fence. So this was what it would be like to have Ava here and friends with Nick. To be a real dad. A good ride always cleared his head. As a boy, that had kept him away from his parents’ constant tug-of-war. He didn’t want to go back there with Shadow. Still, he knew how she felt about the ranch. No matter how he and Shadow managed this, he vowed he wouldn’t go to that same place with Ava.
“Sure, you can ride,” he said. “I’ll saddle up for you.” Nick started to protest but Grey held up a hand. “My place, my rules.” He tried not to look at Shadow. “We’ll give Ava her first lesson. Next time you can both learn to tack up your horses.”
Today he would let Ava use the old, worn and well-loved saddle Grey had first owned. He kept a newer, child-sized rig here for Nick. As soon as he figured things out with the rustling that threatened his ranch, he’d buy Ava a saddle that custom-fit her, think about getting her a gentle mare, a first gift from him as her father.
He had a lot of time to make up for.
He wouldn’t let Shadow stand in his way.
* * *
AFTER THE KIDS finished their ride—Ava’s very first!—they were hungry. Starving, they both claimed. Grey took them up to the house with Shadow lagging behind.
Watching Ava on Nugget being led around the corral by Grey while Shadow “baby-sat” Stormy had eased her fears for Ava’s safety and brought tears to Shadow’s eyes. How often in the past ten years had she thought of a scene like that? Of her and Grey, married and being parents together? She’d told him as much in Kansas City. They both wanted the best for Ava. And yet, for Shadow there was still Jared, the memory of his death here. Because of that tragedy, she might never be able to try out the fantasy even when she yearned for that second chance with Grey.
In the kitchen she hung back, letting Grey prepare the meal. He moved about the room with the ease and familiarity of someone who had always lived at the ranch. Like hers, his upbringing had been fraught with conflict, yet this was the house he’d shared with his father, learning Everett Wilson’s management style, always knowing he was part of this place. That it was his legacy, his to inherit one day. And unlike Shadow with her family’s farm, he’d always wanted it to be.
Jared had never expected, or hoped, to take over the farm. Neither had Derek, although he still lived there—or, at least, he would until the eviction. She was surprised she hadn’t heard from him since he’d first seen Ava.
At the kitchen table she nursed the cup of fresh coffee Grey had put in front of her. For the kids he made chocolate milk and quickly grilled hot dogs. He offered to fix Shadow a hamburger, but she wasn’t hungry so Grey put both sizzling patties on his plate. Their earlier talk obviously hadn’t put a dent in his appetite, although she knew he’d been hurt by her lack of trust.
After they ate, the kids sprawled on pillows on the family room floor to watch TV, and Grey showed Shadow the dining room, which looked just as she remembered it from the days when she and Grey were together and she’d sometimes come to the ranch for Sunday dinner.
“This table can seat a dozen people,” he said, “but by my count we could have twice that many guests.” Logan and Blossom hadn’t wanted to exclude anyone. This event would not be just for the wedding party, small as it was. Friends were invited, too. Neighbors would come to the reception after the ceremony. The entire casual weekend would include everybody close to them and even some not-so-close newer acquaintances who’d recently moved into Barren.
From the doorway beside him, Shadow took stock of the room, trying to force her mind from her concern for Ava. If they stuck to this topic, maybe Jared wouldn’t come up again. “Why not move the kitchen table in here, then? If you shift the big one over, they would both fit, and all you’d need would be more chairs.”
“I think there are extras stored in the attic. My mother left her family china here when she moved out, so we won’t have to buy or rent any, and there’s plenty of flatware. What else?”
“Table linens. A centerpiece for each table. Candles.”
Grey winced. His shoulder brushed hers, spreading warmth through her body. “I’ll leave all that to you. I could handle a cookout, man the grill and fill a cooler with ice and drinks, but whatever you want is fine, as long as it’s not fussy.”
Shadow sent him an arch look. “Really?”
Grey’s expression quickly changed from teasing to shuttered. Shadow couldn’t fool herself. He was hurt again, and she didn’t know what would come of that with Ava. Always, because of Jared, she had a sense of unease at this ranch that sent shivers down her spine, as if he might pull up again at the front steps with that gun in his hand.
Through the archway from the dining room, past the family room and a front parlor that no one used, was the porch... Shadow shivered again. She’d come to the ranch twice now in recent weeks, but the sight of those steps never failed to rouse the memory of losing her brother in such a violent manner.
“I’ll spend some time on Pinterest tonight,” she finally said. “That should give me more ideas for table settings and so on.”
“Then you’ll let me see them?”
“Of course.”
Shadow would have left then, but Ava and Nick’s episode wasn’t over and the children didn’t want the day to end. Shadow was exhausted from everything that had passed between her and Grey, but for Ava’s sake, she could stay awhile longer. Ava was enjoying her new friend, sharing the sofa with him, laughing at their show. The whole scene lulled Shadow into a false sense of belonging here, something she hadn’t allowed herself to think about, or want, in years.
A fresh wave of guilt coursed through her. How could she deny Grey this new opportunity to be with Ava as often as he wished? To let their daughter live her own fantasy on this very ranch? She would be tearing her child apart, just as Grey’s parents had fought over him and Olivia.
But how could she suppress her own feelings for the ranch? Force herself to come here over and over again?
Maybe, since telling Grey about Ava’s birth, she could at least explain tonight about the years when she’d tried to care for Ava without him. Maybe then he would be able to understand her concerns.
“Grey, can we talk outside?”
“Sure.”
On the front porch, Shadow tried not to look at the foot of the stairs. She put her back to the driveway, leaned against the railing and folded her arms—as if that could protect her from his somber gaze.
“You know about my decision to keep Ava—in large part because of you—but I’d like to tell you about the years after that. They weren’t easy, either, not that I expected them to be, but I never regretted my decision. The only thing I regret now is that I didn’t tell you.”
“Go ahead,” he said with a glance at the lighted rooms inside. “The kids have another twenty minutes or so before their show ends.”
“When Ava was a newborn, I left the Merritts’ home—of course—and moved with her to Kansas City, where we had a small apartment. So small I could reach almost everything without taking many steps. The best thing I could say about it was that, however shabby it appeared, it was clea
n.
“After Ava was asleep, I would lay out the bills on the coffee table and try to figure which ones I could pay. I was working as an aide at a nursing home, and I’d met this amazing woman named Hilga Olsen who took care of Ava for practically nothing because she reminded her of her grandchildren who lived far away. Hilga was too proud to admit she couldn’t afford the trip to upstate New York to see them.”
Her elderly neighbor across the hall had become Ava’s unofficial nanny from the day they’d moved in. Hilga wouldn’t hear of her leaving the baby with anyone else, and certainly Shadow couldn’t afford day care. Hilga had been a lifesaver, the grandmother to Ava that Shadow’s mother was not then, a stable, kindly presence whom Shadow couldn’t possibly replace.
“You still didn’t ask your parents for help?” She was grateful he didn’t add, “Or me.”
“No, but by the time Ava was five and a half, I wondered how much longer we could hold on. We were still together, and that was all that really mattered to me. But the bills kept piling up. I’d taken night courses to complete my GED, but there was no way I could do more than that. And I was relying on Hilga far too much already.
“I considered asking for extra hours at the nursing home, but I wouldn’t gain that much at my pay rate. At times I even wondered if I’d made the right choice, not in keeping Ava but in moving away from Barren, from any possible family support. I was almost done paying back the Merritts for my prenatal care, at least, but I needed to further my education, take some courses toward an associate’s degree so I could move up into management. I really liked the work, liked helping people Hilga’s age, although my patients were mostly in far worse shape.”
Grey’s expression softened. “That experience prepared you to open your agency here. I have to admire your grit, Shadow.”
She gave him a sad smile and continued. “Then I got behind in rent and found out the building was being sold. We needed a new place anyway—Ava and I were sharing my double bed at that point—but downtown Kansas City isn’t exactly affordable.”
