by Dani Hoots
He grabbed a pile of papers on his desk and straightened them. “What is there to discuss? You were right in Scotland, it would have never worked out. If anyone found out, I would lose my position at this school and you would lose your scholarship and could be kicked out of the school. Neither of us want that so from here on out we are just professor and student. What happened in the summer stays in the past. That’s what we promised, this doesn’t change anything.”
He was right, no matter how much it hurt, this was part of the deal. Just act like nothing is out of the ordinary, I could do that.
No I couldn’t, but I had to try.
“You’re right. Professional. Got it.”
He smiled that delicious smiled.
This was going to be so hard.
“Good, now, tell me about your research interests.”
We talked about health and history in England. We didn’t discuss anything that happened. He then gave me a tour of the place, showing me the lab I would be working in studying bones and more bones. I can never explain how odd it felt to realize I had slept with my professor.
This couldn’t be real.
“Now, after finding out he was your adviser, what happened?”
“Well, I was his teaching assistant in European Archaeology throughout the first semester,” I didn’t tell him that it took everything for me to pay attention in class and not undress him with my eyes, and remember every curve in his body. “Everything went as it should have. We didn’t talk about the summer, we didn’t talk about anything other than school stuff. I did everything I was supposed to do and I figured that Oliver didn’t have any feelings for me.”
I really believed that, too. I had thought he had moved on, that I was just some fling. He didn’t show any sort of emotion other than friendship towards me that semester. Oliver had helped me through my two classes, answering any questions I had about a topic. We spent a lot of lunches and breaks together, going over research and projects. I even helped him with a paper he ended up submitting to a journal, granted I didn’t do much other than fact check sources and make sure everything made sense, it was still exciting that it could be published the next year. It did get rejected, though, as most papers did the first couple of times. Oliver had to explain that to me a few times this last year.
But through all that, I didn’t once think he wanted me as much as I had wanted him. It was hard to focus sometimes, with him so close like he was, yet I couldn’t do anything about it. I prayed that no one noticed the way I looked at him, or the way I smiled when he was around. It wasn’t fair for me to hide it all, but I had understood. We couldn’t jeopardize everything we worked for.
“And what about you? Did you still have feelings for him?”
I took a deep breath, recalling everything that happened. I would be stupid to have gone through all this if I didn’t have feelings for him. “I did.”
Dr. Ralan took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. I was sure he was frustrated, along with the other two professors, but he had no idea what it was like to be as frustrated as Oliver and I were. Dr. Ralan sighed. “And I presume you ended up figuring out he still cared about you. How did that happen?”
That was a good question. I did find out that Oliver still had feelings for me before the next year started. It was an accident, really. Even if I didn’t find out he still liked me at that moment, I would have figured it out later the next semester, but finding out how he felt made me care for him even more. I began the story. “Between semesters I went back home for only a few days and stayed at the university, researching. Oliver stayed at the university all winter. He said he didn’t have any family to go back to. This made me feel bad and I knew I couldn’t leave him there alone.
“I came back on December 27th and invited him for some coffee where we could discuss the next semester. We met at a coffee shop near campus. Not many students were present, all still home for the holidays. Just a few professors and a PhD student or two.
“We grabbed our drinks and sat down. He told me about the research that would be going on in the summer. I was excited since health was my passion,” I stopped.
“Then what?”
“Then he told me about a New Years party...”
I knew I shouldn’t have come back early, but I couldn’t help myself. The thought of Oliver being by himself during the winter break made my heart ache. I shouldn’t have let myself care, honestly, I needed to get over him. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and our time together, and every time I saw him it hurt worse and worse.
It was almost unbearable.
So maybe I came back because I couldn’t stand not seeing his face every day, having our drinks, talking about everything but our feelings for each other. Whether or not he still had feelings for me was another story, but I knew mine were eating me up alive.
Now it was December 27, I had taken a flight the day after Christmas, much to my parents’ dismay, but I had convinced them that I had to come back for work, I was getting paid for research after all. But honestly, the university was closed until after the New Year and I could do some reading at home. I never told them that, because then I wouldn’t have gone back to see Oliver.
Oliver and I were to meet that day, go over some things for the next semester for both the class I TAed for and the research on health changes during the Industrial Revolution. My heart was pounding in my chest as I waited for him in our usual spot. It felt like so much time had passed since last time I had seen him.
I glanced around the coffee house, finding only a few people sitting around the fireplace and that was about it. The town became pretty empty around the university during the break, which I didn’t mind. The peace and quiet was pretty nice. The business itself was decorated in a nautical theme, as I swore everything was since we were near the beach. Paintings of ships and the seascape littered the walls, along with glass orbs and fish nets. It was a little tacky, but it added to the charm that was Lincoln City.
The cafe door opened and Oliver stepped inside, quickly closing the door to make sure no more chilly wind got through. There was a reason this cafe had a fireplace that was lit from October to March, the Oregon coast was known for a place to keep your beer cold after all. The only people who came here to warm up had to be from Russia, I swore. There was only a few weeks in the summer did it ever truly feel warm, and I was counting the days.
I waved him over, and the moment he saw me he smiled. I could feel my cheeks heat up in a blush that I hoped would quickly subside before he was close enough to notice.
“Want anything to drink?” he asked as he got to my table.
I shook my head. “No, no, I already got a hot chocolate, see?” I held up the blue mug.
He chuckled under his breath. “Of course, I should have noticed.”
Oliver went to the back of the line to order what I presumed was going to be peppermint tea, as that was what he always ordered. I didn’t know how that man could go through life without caffeine, as he seemed to be always working. I didn’t believe he actually slept at night, though if he did it had to of only been two or three hours. I bit my lip as I watched him stand in line, his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on the soles of his feet. It was a mannerism he always seemed to have while waiting for something. It was cute, at least I thought it was. He did it a lot while we were in queues in the UK.
I missed that moment in time with all of my soul.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to let those memories fade away. The pain still felt fresh as it did months earlier when we parted ways at Heathrow. I wondered if I would have been able to forget our time together if I didn’t have to see him every day as I did now. Life was strange that way, the odds of us running into each other again seemed impossible, yet here we were, working with each other almost every single day.
Once he got his order, Oliver sat down next to me. He placed his wallet on the counter, like he always did. I swore one of these days he was going to forget it. “So,�
� he began as he took a sip of his tea. “How was your break?”
I shrugged. “Full of family wanting to take me here and there. Didn’t get much done work-wise, which is why I came back early.” And because I missed him.
He laughed. “You are such a workaholic. It’s like I’m rubbing off on you or something.”
“No, there is just so much research to do, I knew grad school was going to be hard, but this is ridiculous. There are so many articles to keep up on.”
“Yeah, I agree it’s hard. But you learn how to manage it. Key is not reading the full article unless it is relevant. Taking notes on abstracts and what is outlined through the article is key. Then you sort them and come back to only ones you need. That way you know what’s out there but don’t have to take so much time reading each and every one of them.”
“Hmm, I suppose I don’t. Just feels like I don’t understand enough of it though, as if I’m lost in all the stacks of papers. Then there are still classes I have to get through and the reading list for those is ridiculous as well. I understand why most people only take two classes at a time,” I explained as I took a sip of my hot chocolate.
Oliver pointed at his nose. “You got a little whipped cream...”
My eyes widened as I quickly wiped off my noise. “How embarrassing. Thanks.”
He laughed. “Isn’t the first time I’ve seen you do that, don’t worry. Anyway, back to what we were talking about. I think you will make it through all the work. Believe me, it’s worth it. What classes are you taking next semester?”
“Advanced Human Variation and Migration and Morphometrics with Dr. Ralan and Dr. Komcha.”
“Have fun with that. Ralan teaches one of the hardest classes in your program, or so I’ve heard.”
My eyes widened. “What?”
“At least you will be done with it and it should be a lot easier after that.”
“Well, then, I’m expecting you to give me extra help when I need it.”
“As I said last semester, my door is always open.”
Some reason that made my chest start to feel warm, as if I was special somehow. I knew that in reality, he would help any student that needed it.
“So what’s the plan for research next semester?” I asked as the quiet between us started to bother me.
“Same as usual. Lots of reading. Oh, before I forget, I just got an email from a colleague at UCL and it sounds like we could be collaborating this summer on a project dealing with a graveyard they had just found from the Victorian era. I will let you know if the opportunity arises, but I think we could be going there for at least fifteen weeks.”
“Really? Hands on research? That would be wonderful. I can’t wait, let me know if it’s a go or not.”
“I will,” he tapped the edge of his mug, as if thinking about something before he spoke again. “I am also throwing a party, for the entire department, or at least those who are still around, for New Years. It will be at my place, I will text you the details. Do you want to come? That is, if you don’t have other plans.”
“No, no I don’t. I will be there.”
“Great. Well, anyways, I better get going, I have a lunch meeting with some of the staff. Catch you later?”
I felt as my heart had sunk as he had to leave already. “Yeah, if you want to get a drink like this again, let me know.”
“I will. I will also not forget to send you the invite. See you later.”
“See ya.”
He got up and left me sitting there. I sipped on my hot chocolate some more, wondering if I would actually see him before the 31st. I had highly doubted it. As I glanced at the table I noticed he had left his wallet.
I knew it.
Quickly, I grabbed it and started towards the parking lot when I noticed something sticking out the side. It looked like a photo. Without a second thought, I pulled it out to find that it was the picture we had taken together in London at the photo booth. The same photo I had stuck to my mirror in my apartment.
I put my hand over my mouth. I couldn’t believe that he had been carrying it around with him this entire time. Did that mean he still cared for me? That we both had feelings that we were hiding. I didn’t know what to do, I had hoped that he only wanted to be friends so that I didn’t have to worry about losing our places at the university. But, at the same time, I wanted to return to our relationship.
Placing the photo back in his wallet, I hurried outside to find him coming towards the door. I held up the wallet. “Forgetting something?”
“I noticed before I got to the car...” he probably was lying, I knew.
I handed it back to him. “I swear, if your head wasn’t attached.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Well then, catch you later, this time for real?”
“Yup. See you soon.”
With that, I watched him walk off, with a feeling as if someone had stabbed me in the heart.
“So when you saw the picture, you knew he still cared about you?” Dr. Madape questioned.
“Yes,” I answered. Oliver looked over at me. He never knew I found that picture in his wallet. It never came up and I didn’t particularly want to tell him I had snooped through his wallet. Though, I don’t think he cared.
“The New Year’s celebration was cancelled, thought, am I right?” Dr. Ralan said.
I scratched the back of my head, trying to figure out the right way to respond to that. “It was, but I still ended up going to his house. I didn’t see the ten missed calls from Oliver or the dozen or so texts saying it was cancelled. My phone had been on silent.”
I drove up to Oliver’s house. I didn’t realize he lived in the middle of nowhere. It was about twenty minutes from campus, a dirt road for the last mile. He must have gotten a great deal on the house because it had to of been at least two thousand square feet.
The wind about threw up my dress. It was stormy, very stormy. The ocean slammed against the cliff side on the way up here. The wind howled around me and I hurried to Oliver’s door.
I rang the doorbell and Oliver opened it quickly to let me in. “I’ve been trying to call you.”
“What?” I checked my phone. Five missed calls from Oliver.
“The party got cancelled, there is a terrible storm coming, everyone is advised to stay home for the evening.”
“Well that explains why there weren’t many people driving around. I guess I should head back.”
Oliver grabbed my arm. “No, wait. You can’t go back out there, it’s too dangerous. The news has been showing waves crashing up on the the roads and the rain is really coming down now. Just stay here until the storm passes.”
Just us two. At his house. Alone. I glanced up at the house. It was quite a beautiful home. Great, I thought. “When is the storm supposed to end?”
“It should be fine tomorrow morning,” Oliver explained. “You can sleep on the couch, I have extra blankets.”
I’d rather sleep in your bed, I thought to myself. “Okay, umm,” I looked down at my clothes. “Do you have any spare clothes as well? I really don’t want to sleep in this dress.”
“Sure, sure. Just let me know when you want to change.”
I glanced around. A bunch of appetizers and wine bottles were on the table. “I’m sorry your party is a bust.”
“It’s alright, I have food to munch on for a while, that’s always good,” he smiled. “Do you care for a glass of wine?”
“Sure.”
He poured me a glass of wine as we watched the winter storm from his living room. Lightning flashed as thunder shook his house. It was frightening and honestly I was glad I was here instead of back at my apartment by myself. I hated being by myself in a storm like this. After about half an hour of talking about school and research, which seemed to be the only thing we talked about now, we decided we should watch a movie.
“What do you like?” he asked as he went to his DVD stand.
I got up and looked through the few movies he had. “Oh, you have Clue? Tha
t’s a great movie.”
“You want to watch it then?”
“Sure.”
Oliver pulled out the disc and put it in the DVD player. “Which ending?” he asked as the selection came up on the screen.
“All of them, of course,” I said as I sat down on the couch. Oliver took a seat next to me, but not that close. I felt quite strange, him sitting next to me like this, just enjoying a movie. It had been all work up to now and it was quite a change. I liked it and wished we could spend more time like this, but I knew in the end it would have been a mistake.
About an hour from midnight, and only a quarter way through the movie, the power went out. Now we were just sitting there, in the dark. I felt my heart begin to race.
