by Sarah Gai
Winter wanted to cry in that moment. Nothing about that admission was cheesy to her; it was sweet. The fact he didn't know her father referred to her with that nickname was nice as well. It also didn't feel like it had been filtered or reused. She just stared at him as he peered back at her waiting for...she didn't know, but for a brief moment she found herself lost once again in his eyes. She wanted to know more about him, to know what made Nolan who he was. She wanted to know why, even when they barely communicated, she felt so safe, so drawn to him.
He broke eye contact and Winter watched as his face whipped around to the side. She followed his line and coming towards them was the reason she breathed. For a brief moment her mind had betrayed her again and she felt physically sick. As Connor approached, his face showed it all—confusion, hurt, love. There was a whirlwind of emotions coming from his expression and she wondered how much he had seen. Connor was just as skilled as she was in reading people. Wanting to reassure him, Winter jumped up from the grass and ran to him, wrapping her arms tightly around his torso, breathing in his familiarity and comfort. He embraced her back, tucking her small frame into his side as tight as possible. Winter felt his body relax like it always did once she was back in his reach, safe and sound.
Pulling back, Winter signed, "Everything okay?"
Connor nodded slowly, "Yeah, we got her into her room and my mom is looking after her right now."
Winter didn't want to be sad today; it was their summer break. Changing the subject, she signed, "Did you want to go to Chimacum Creek? Nicole is there with James, Henry, and some others from school." Winter smiled trying to look enthusiastic as she asked.
Connor grinned back down at her, "Sure, I'll see if Charlie wants to come along. We can make a night of it and camp maybe," he signed back. Turning to look at Nolan he asked and signed for Winter’s sake, "You wanna come?"
He always made sure to include her. It was one of many things she loved about him. Nolan looked up at them and shrugged his shoulders. Winter didn't know if that meant yes or maybe.
"Go on in and pack what you need and meet me at my house," Connor let her know before he leaned down to kiss her forehead tenderly. "I just need to talk to Nolan for a second."
Winter nodded. As she turned to leave, she stopped and held a finger up to Connor stating one second. She ran over to where Nolan was sitting and bent down to grab the notepad and pen off the ground where it was situated next to him. She quickly scribbled on it and handed it back to Nolan, waiting for him to read it. When he looked up at her again, she smiled before turning and hurrying towards her house. She could never give Nolan a piece of her heart. That belonged solely to Connor, but she could give him something.
On the notepad, Winter wrote:
Only my father ever called me Snowflake.
I couldn't allow anyone I knew to call me that for the longest time. It hurt to hear it and be reminded of him. When you called me that a moment ago, it felt wonderful and for the first time since I was a little girl my heart didn't ache, but smiled.
Thank you for being my friend and thank you for looking out for me today. Please continue to speak to me. It was nice.
Love, Winter
Connor
From the first moment he had met Nolan in the cafeteria last year, he recognized the look—the look of complete submission. As if within a second of meeting Winter, Nolan had lost his heart. Truth is Connor couldn't blame him. There was something about Winter, beyond how beautiful she was. She radiated something he could not describe. You wanted to be around her. Heck, you had to be around her.
Nolan was a great guy and Connor was surprised at how fast their friendship had grown. When they went out fishing at the marina it was easy to get along with his friend, though the moment they were both around Winter, Connor watched how Nolan avoided making eye contact with his girlfriend. He respected the fact Nolan kept his distance and he never crossed the line no matter how much he wore his feelings on his sleeve.
After dealing with Winter's mom and helping Charlie try to restrain her, Connor could barely stand still, waiting for his mother to give him a sign that he could leave and find Winter. He asked Nolan to take her down to the creek behind their houses, knowing that no matter what was going on with Winter it was the one place that always seemed to calm her. What he didn't expect was to walk towards something he could not explain. Maybe he was overreacting, but as he moved towards the two of them sitting next to the water, for a moment his heart bottomed out as he saw the way they both looked at one another. He expected it from Nolan, but maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him as Winter looked back up at his friend with a mixture of curiosity and...admiration? Longing?
The moment Winter saw him though she jumped up and ran to him, bringing back the security he needed. God knew he needed it more than ever. Something felt off the last couple of weeks as a sense of dread continually filled his soul. Connor had a need to keep Winter close, as if any moment he was going to lose her. It was a feeling he wished he could shake because it was making it hard to breathe. Every moment with her felt precious. He found himself studying her more, really focusing on the sensation of each and every touch, taking in her distinct fragrance, scrutinizing every detail of her. It was crazy; he knew it.
Connor watched as Winter ran towards her house. Once she was through the gate and out of sight, he turned his attention back to Nolan, now up and standing next to the stream. Connor walked up beside him, reaching out and placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder "It's killing you, isn't it?"
Nolan dropped his head and sighed. "How long have you known?"
"Oh, you know...since the first day I met you," he chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. It didn't work, but he felt for his friend. He knew what it was like to want her and not have her.
"I'm sorry, man. But you know I'll never do anything about it, right?" Nolan turned to look Connor in the eye.
He saw the truth in Nolan's words and nodded. "I know that. Heck, I should be mad as hell, but I'm not. I've been where you are. Somehow I became the luckiest guy in the world the day she agreed to be mine.” Connor shook his head, still coming to terms with his surreal situation. His interest piqued and he had to ask. "What did Winter write on that notepad just before she left? I mean, you don't have to tell me..."
"I called her Snowflake. She wrote her father use to call her that and it was nice. Oh and she wants me to continue talking to her," Nolan answered, looking at Connor for permission.
For a moment Connor was taken by surprise, his eyes widening as jealousy seeped in. She never allowed him to call her that after her father's passing, even though he had tried. It suited her. Snowflakes floated around you in all their beauty, falling this way and that as you reached out to capture one and hold it in your hand. You had to savor every moment you held one because before long it would melt away leaving you with only a precious memory. Not that Winter was going anywhere, but with her...every memory counted, every moment was precious. Her father saw it and so did Connor.
Clearing his throat he turned fully to look at the man beside him. “If...something," he started to say, but stopped to find the words. "If, you know, something ever happened to me, I want you to promise to look after her."
Nolan shook his head back and forth. "What are you talking about, man?"
"Look, I mean I'm not going anywhere. There's no way you're getting rid of me that easily. Just in case...you know? I mean she has Charlie, but he already does enough. Jeez, I didn't mean it to get this heavy, forget what I'm saying it's just me being stupid." Connor turned to leave. As he made his way through the long grass and back to his house he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"You know I'll look after her. But nothing's gonna happen, okay?" Nolan assured.
Connor nodded back in agreement feeling foolish. "If anything does happen, visit my mom. She will give you something."
"What is it?" Nolan lifted an eyebrow curiously.
"Ahh, no way man. Unless I die, you'll never k
now," Connor laughed, slapping his friend on the back and nudged him to walk.
"Not even a hint?"
"Nope."
He tried to laugh it off; paranoia was getting to him. For the rest of the day he was determined to put his worried thoughts aside to just enjoy hanging with his friends and help Winter and Charlie forget another one of their mother’s scenes. And like every other day, he was going to capture each and every moment he spent with Winter.
Winter
Within an hour, Winter and Connor were on the road with Nolan and Charlie right behind them. Winter texted Nicole to let her know they were on their way. To say her friend was giddy at the fact Charlie was accompanying them was an understatement and she wondered if today was going to be the day the two came out about their relationship.
As Connor pulled his truck into the grassy parking spot alongside Nicole's car at Chimacum creek, he turned off the ignition and just sat for a moment looking over at Winter. She was used to those moments; even as kids, Connor would stop and stare at her, as if he was taking in every inch of her while finding the right words. Winter waited for him to just sign what he wanted to say; instead, she was surprised when he shut his eyes for a moment and shook his head. When he looked at her again he simply smiled and reached down to pick up her hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing it tenderly before letting it go. Then he jumped out of the truck and made his way to the back to take out their stuff.
Winter had no idea what was going on. Maybe he was still upset by her mother's behavior. She knew it affected him to see her decline, just as much as it did for her and Charlie. They all knew Rosie would be over there for the rest of the night trying to sober her mama up and preaching the fear of God into her in hopes one day Abigail would wise up and quit her toxic behavior. Winter didn't have such hope though.
Jumping out of the truck, Winter made her way around to help Connor get the chairs and towels. When Charlie and Nolan arrived, Nolan was out of the car before her brother had even cut the engine, running over to ease her arms of the load she was carrying. Winter nodded in thanks and watched as her friend blushed. Things that day had changed their relationship, especially after their moment together by the creek. Maybe now Nolan would stop avoiding her so much and try to communicate with her better. Yet she was still unsure whether or not that was a good thing.
With her arms free, she hurried over to Connor who was already making his way towards their peers who had set-up on the rocks overlooking the beach. Although it was seawater, the place was more of an inlet with a river feel, at least in her eyes. She looped her arm with Connor’s and tried to keep up, but his stride was so much quicker than hers.
"Oh my God, you guys are here!" Nicole squealed as she caught site of them making their way up the slight incline.
Her friend had changed a lot in the last few months. Gone were the piercings and black clothes; instead, she opted for bright colors and skirts—still strange for Winter to see. Thankfully, she kept her streaked hair, which was now pink, or she may not have recognized Nicole at all.
She knew life for Nicole was hard, probably harder than her own. Nicole was in the foster system since birth. After ten homes, she was finally sent to Port Townsend where dear, sweet Mr. and Mrs. Gains took her in. They were a lovely old couple who could never have children, but they wanted her. Even with all of their kindness and love, the damage had been done. Winter never pushed her friend, but she knew some terrible stuff must have happened to Nicole over the years. Nicole may have seemed out-going and independent, but there was also a side that craved affection and needed to be loved, though she kept her heart at a distance. It was heartbreaking as Winter watched Nicole go from high to super-low in a matter of weeks. Life changed a bit last year though for on Nicole's seventeenth birthday, Mr. Gains announced, with Nicole’s permission, they wanted to legally adopt her. Winter cried more than Nicole that day. It was a beautiful moment shared over a small celebration dinner.
Nicole came barreling towards them so quickly that when she reached Winter to throw her into a bear hug, she took Connor and all he was carrying crashing to the ground with the two of them as well. Nicole rolled off them laughing up a storm. Winter didn't need to hear the sound to know Nicole was wasted; she could smell the stench of beer from a mile away.
Connor jumped up, annoyed, and before Winter could right herself, a hand reached out to offer her help. Nolan was in front of her, arm outstretched. Winter took it and flew through the air due to his impressive strength. She wasn't surprised though as most of her friends were a lot taller and stronger than her, towering over her small frame. Winter let go of Nolan's hand and looked over at Connor who had a confused look on his face, or maybe it was sadness, as he peered between her and Nolan. It was unsettling for Winter to contemplate how he was feeling.
Her brother Charlie came into view and didn't look happy as he reached down and tried to get a giggling Nicole back on her feet. As her friend stood up and tried to get closer to her brother, Winter could see the disappointment and anger rolling in waves from Charlie. He hated drinking as much as she did. Nicole knew this, so Winter struggled to understand why she was so intoxicated. Charlie started pulling her away from the rest of them and as Winter began to walk again to the spot they were going to set up their gear, she looked back and watched the body language between her brother and best friend. Charlie's arms were folded; Nicole's hands were flying in every other direction. Winter could tell Nicole’s drinking had stemmed from something between them.
As Winter turned to look at where she was going, she shook her head. She could only guess what happened, but, if she were right, it would have had something to do with Charlie not wanting to come out about their relationship. Maybe Winter was reading too much into all of it, imagining things. Impossible! She was pretty sure something had been going on.
They reached their designated spot and Connor and Nolan set up the chairs. Winter placed a hand above her eyes, blocking the sun out so she could look around. She waved when she spotted James and Henry in the water down below and they waved back up at her enthusiastically. Their girlfriends, Marty and Serena, waved a warm welcome as well. Winter knew this was going to be a good day.
She turned and tapped Connor on the shoulder as he crouched down, peering through their shared backpack. Turning his head, he looked up and Winter signed, "Come on, let’s swim."
He nodded in return and then quickly peered again into the backpack, his hand coming out with sunscreen. He handed it to her stating, "Sunscreen first. You cook like a lobster without it."
Winter smiled. She really was lucky; he remembered everything. He helped her lather up and the two of them walked down the craggy rocks until they stood at the water's edge. Taking off her terry-cloth sundress, Winter stood in her new emerald green bikini. Nicole had talked her into buying it the week before because the color matched her eyes. It was a little skimpier than Winter was used to, making her feel slightly insecure. Without another moment to think, a strong hand pushed her hard from behind sending her flying into the water. As she surfaced, shivering from the sudden entrance into the chilly water, she wiped her eyes and saw Connor laughing with Nolan standing next to him. She scowled.
He only shrugged, "I had to. You would have taken forever otherwise."
She looked to Nolan next and with nothing but a nod he understood. Seconds later, Connor was shoved into the depths and Winter laughed. These were the moments she wished for something she never had—to hear their laughter. She wondered what she sounded like when her own giggles and bellows took over.
Nolan joined the group in the water and James reappeared with a ball—the boys’ games began. After half an hour, the girls tired of chasing a ball they couldn't reach and returned to their chairs to dry off. Charlie was already there sitting next to Nicole who was lightly snoring in her chair, settled under a beach umbrella, apparently partied out after one too many drinks. "You gonna take her home?" Winter signed.
"Yeah, I will soon
. I want her to sober up before Mr. and Mrs. Gains see her like this."
Winter nodded as she dried her hair off. Wrapping the towel around her body, she settled into her own chair.
"So, when are you going to tell me you two are together?" she asked.
Charlie's eyes almost bugged out as he looked at her shocked. "You know?" he mouthed to her.
"It's obvious," she replied. He nodded, as if he shouldn't have been surprised. Winter was very aware and always picked up subtleties others would not.
"I told her last night I wanted to wait until she finished school next year to date. She was pretty angry. No, that's too light; she slapped the crap out of me," he admitted.
"Well, from what I've seen, you guys have been seeing each other about four months so I would be upset too, Charlie."
He nodded in understanding. "I needed time. Between work and mom," he stopped moving his hands.
"And me," Winter finished for him. He looked away and Winter clapped her hands to get his attention back. For some reason it felt important to tell her brother this. Sometimes even sign language could not explain your true emotions, the complete depth of what you want to convey. Winter quickly leaned over and grabbed her backpack; Connor always left a notepad and pen in the front pocket. She unzipped and plucked it out, thoughtfully writing what she needed him to see.
I know we are young, Charlie, but sometimes you get lucky and find your soulmate early. Like me! Whether Nicole is your one or your first of many, let her in. Enjoy the ride. Fall in love and be loved in return. Life is too short for the what-ifs or should-haves. Be in the moment. I see the way you look at each other and I know Nicole. She is taking a big leap to let you hold her heart so don't abuse that. Please Charlie allow yourself to be happy.
