by Sarah Gai
Her mother was non-existent, only seen twice in passing within the last half year. She hasn't been a mother in years, so no loss there, Winter thought. Rosie would try to visit every other day, as Winter refused to leave the house, but it was painful to see her. Connor had her eyes and seeing him in her brought the agony Winter tried to bury back to the surface.
She didn't think anyone could cry as much as she had, nor did she think her heart would ever be right again. It was shattered; the pieces refusing to glue themselves back together.
Even Nolan tried to visit regularly, but Winter just couldn't bear to see him. He was there that day; she watched him pull Connor from the water. She saw his agony and the crestfallen way he looked at her knowing he could not save Connor. He, too, would forever have that memory in his mind and it devastated her knowing she could not fix him either.
"No, you can't keep going on like this. You quit school, you barely eat, all you do is sleep—it's not good and it's killing me. Do you know that? It is killing me to see you withering away. And I don't know how to fix it!"
Winter felt like she had been slapped in the face. The last person she ever wanted to hurt was Charlie. "What do you want me to do?" she signed woefully.
"Get up, get out of the house, and come back to the land of the living."
Winter shook her head. "I can't do that. I can't walk around here and not think of him. The marina, Main Street, the backyard—there’s no place I can go that does not remind me of him!" she furiously signed. The only time she felt at peace was when she was asleep. The moment she woke she thought of him and that brief rest ended as if a knife sliced through her heart again and again with every waking moment.
"Then I think you need to leave town for a while. Not permanently…just for a little break or something. Heal, you know? Aunt Peggy said you can go stay with her in Seattle and I really think you should."
Winter looked at him incredulously. Did he want her to leave? Had she become such a burden? She turned over and stared at the wall, unable to look at him.
Charlie moved around to the other side of the bed to stand in front of her and crouched down so they were eye-to-eye. Winter really focused on him, after all, he was not giving her a choice. She could see how he aged—at only nineteen-years old he had matured into a man. He cut his hair shorter, wearing it cropped close to his head and the stubble on his chin thickened. Not to mention, his body filled out in a muscular way since he was working construction full-time. His blue eyes, with speckles of green caught her and drew her in; they were so desolate. Winter knew, aside from all that happened, she was the reason his face showed such weariness. It was bad enough dealing with the bills and their mother, but Charlie did not need her to add to his baggage.
Winter nodded; no other words needed to be said. She was going to do them all a favor and say goodbye.
He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead before standing. "Love you. You know that, right?" She nodded. "I'll call Aunt Peggy and let her know," he finished and walked out of the room.
Winter had packed her bags the night before. There wasn't much to pack really, just some clothes, her computer, a few books, and the important things—photos of her and Charlie, her father, and...of her and Connor. The last thing she grabbed was the card, her last gift from her papa. That was everything that meant anything to Winter and it all fit into one suitcase. Charlie had come up to her room earlier and taken it downstairs for her.
It was ten o'clock and Aunt Peggy would be there any moment. Winter waited on the front porch along with Charlie and Nicole. Her best friend was already crying; Charlie sat next to her tenderly rubbing her back. Since that day...since the...well, since then, Charlie and Nicole were officially in a relationship. There was nothing like a tragedy to bring two people together. They looked right for each other and Winter was really happy for them.
She turned her attention to the driveway and, like magic, Aunt Peggy's SUV pulled in. Aunt Peggy was about as tall as Winter and her hair, once raven black like Winter’s, had turned a peppered gray that suited her and went well with the huge grin her aunt sported. Peggy raised her arms above her head in excitement as she ran towards the porch.
Winter smiled for what felt like the first time in forever as she watched her eager aunt run up to the house. Peggy pulled Charlie in for a hug that had him hunching over dramatically and then let go of him to kiss Nicole on the cheek before her eyes settled on Winter. She signed one word— beautiful.
Winter looked away knowing that wasn't true. She had lost so much weight; her healthy curves now nothing but skin and bones. Her lack of sunlight made her already pale skin almost translucent. Her aunt’s small arms wrapped around her from the side and squeezed tight; she had missed her aunt. Peggy and Winter’s father were close siblings. After he died, she tried to help, to support them all, but as mama declined and refused their aunt’s offer to help carry some of the grief, Peggy had stopped coming to visit. Seeing her again was like coming home to happier times as a family.
Her aunt let her go to look at Charlie with her arms folded. "So, where is that mother of yours?" Winter read her lips.
"Hiding," Charlie responded.
"Oh, no she is not. You make me some tea and I'll go get her up," Aunt Peggy commanded as she pinched Charlie’s cheek.
He rolled his eyes and Winter chuckled. Both Charlie and Nicole looked at her, their eyes like saucers. It was probably the first time they heard joy in her voice in a long time. Winter didn't try to hide her grin. She wanted them to see it before she left, to reassure them she would be okay in Seattle.
Peggy walked away from them with determination as she marched into the house. Winter followed her in and stood in the hallway, Nicole right behind her, as Charlie passed them heading toward the kitchen to do what he was told. Not Winter and Nicole though; the two nosy girls wanted to see what was going to happen. Within minutes, her mother exited her bedroom, dressed haphazardly in a dress, the buttons in the wrong holes, and her hair tied in a messy bun. Aunt Peggy was right behind Abigail, poking her back with her index finger, obviously telling her to get a move on. Winter had to hide her smile, so she turned and tucked her face into Nicole’s shoulder. There weren't many people who could get her mother to move so fast. That was one going away present she would never forget.
Nicole pulled back once the adults were out of sight. "I love your aunt!" she signed before jumping up and down in pure delight.
Winter, Charlie, and Nicole didn't stay in the kitchen all that long as their aunt and mama drank tea. After a few moments of no one communicating, it turned into an all-out catfight. Charlie had to usher the girls out as fast as he could.
"What did they say?" Winter signed. "They were speaking so fast I couldn't pick out one word."
Charlie shook his head back and forth. "Aunt Peggy was calling her irresponsible, a drunk, and an embarrassment. Mama said she was meddlesome and to mind her own business and leave right now. That pretty much sums it up." Nicole nodded her head right beside Charlie.
Just then the front door opened and out they both walked. Aunt Peggy just stood at the steps with her arms folded. She wasn't going anywhere as she stared Winter’s mother down. Her mama stared right back, giving her sister-in-law the stink eye. As if knowing she wasn't going to win the battle, Abigail threw her hands up and approached Winter. Winter froze. She never went near her mother anymore.
"I'm sorry about Connor," her mother signed sloppily. "I hope you enjoy Seattle,". Then, without anything further, she turned and made her way back into the house without looking at anyone.
Aunt Peggy threw her hands up and turned, making her way down the stairs. Charlie walked over and grabbed the suitcase from near the front door as Nicole linked her arm with Winter and they both began the sad walk towards the car.
They reached the passenger side door, when Winter saw movement out of the corner of her eye. It was Rosie from next-door, running towards her. Winter let go of Nicole and raced to meet her. They c
rashed into each other and squeezed tight. She would miss Connor’s mother more than words could describe. She had been the closest thing to a surrogate parent Winter had ever known and she loved her dearly.
After what felt like an eternity, Rosie eased her hold on Winter and stepped back. “Write me,” she mouthed as a single tear rolled down her face.
Winter nodded and it was a promise she wanted to keep. Winter walked away desperately trying to hold her tears at bay and made her way over to Charlie who was also close to tears. She would miss him most of all. Next was Nicole who promised to email and text her as much as possible. Winter knew it would be almost daily and she didn’t think she would mind one bit. Waving goodbye, her aunt pulled out of the driveway and they began their journey.
As they turned the corner onto Gumroad Street, her aunt pulled over. Peggy looked annoyed and Winter glanced at her, puzzled. Her aunt regarded her and pointed out the window past Winter who turned to look. Standing there out of breath was Nolan. For the briefest of moments, Winter’s dead heart pulsed.
Winding down the window, Winter stared at him. After he finally caught his breath, Nolan did something that Winter would remember for years to come—he signed. "Don't forget about me, Snowflake." It was beautiful and Winter spelled back "Never." He looked at her not understanding so instead she shook her head left to right, right to left. He grinned in understanding, the most brilliant smile lighting up his face.
He stood there on the side of the road as Aunt Peggy drove off; Winter watched him in the side mirror until he was out of sight. She would never forget him. His kindness and how he held her through the night the day of Connor’s....she would never forget him.
But would he forget her?
Winter
December, 2016
"Are you sure you don't want to come to Lily's bonfire with us?" Andrew signed.
Winter shook her head back and forth. It had been a long day at the office and having drinks after work with her co-workers was most definitely enough for one day. Andrew, though, looked somewhat disappointed by the let down.
After Winter made the decision to move to Seattle to stay with her Aunt Peggy, the first few months were hard. She wallowed around the apartment, not daring to venture out. Instead, she read books while she stayed in her pajamas moping, afraid to take on the world alone. There wasn't a day that passed in which she didn't second-guess the decision she made to leave her hometown. Yet Aunt Peggy wasn't having a bar of it.
With a big kick in the behind, Winter began to look into avenues to meet others like herself. She honestly had never thought about it before. Connor was her world and within that sphere she really never needed anyone else. Her aunt was right though; she had to re-join the land of the living even if her heart was dead.
Thus, Winter began searching groups in the Seattle area for the hearing impaired; she came across a website for a new book reading group. She sent an email about the group and the following week, holding a new copy of the first novel on the list—John Green’s Paper Towns, she headed to the local café, Red's.
Winter walked inside, her nerves making her second-guess herself for the hundredth time since moving there. She had a choice to make: wither away and die or learn to live again. It was harder than she realized to take those first steps. Navigating the world alone, Winter was determined to try one foot at a time.
As she looked around the cafe trying to spot a group, she frowned. Maybe she had turned up on the wrong day? Just then, a tall, lanky woman with an auburn pixie haircut waved in her direction. "Are you waving to me?" Winter signed.
"Yes, you must be Winter. Well, of course you are seeing you speak my language," the woman laughed. Winter walked towards her and took a seat in the booth. "Hi, I'm Holly. Welcome to my book club," she signed.
"Are we waiting on the others?" Winter inquired.
"No, looks like it's just you and me. No one else responded to my ad." Winter shrugged, unsure of what to say. "Never mind, now we can covet all the books to ourselves and chat about anything we want, right?" Winter nodded with a half-smile.
That day was the start of a friendship, a lifeline, that Winter needed. Holly pushed her in ways no one else would have been able to, like a toddler learning to walk for the very first time on unsteady, wobbly knees. Together, they took her first steps and fell, some days the grief too much. But Holly helped her right back up. That was how Winter felt her first year in Seattle, hopeless.
There was a shame that washed over Winter in those early days as she came to the realization how much she had relied upon Connor for guidance, decision-making, and happiness. On the days in which Winter felt sad or confused back home, it had always been Connor who picked her up and made sense of the world for her again. But he wasn't there anymore and every time she thought about him it was like a blade tearing through her insides once again.
Winter was blessed though. Holly helped her check out online courses in graphic design, navigate the city, and introduced her to other deaf people in the community. It slowly built a confidence within her and, before long, Winter graduated, found herself a job, and independently lived alone.
"Please come," Andrew begged, a pout forming on his beautiful face. He was handsome, but Winter was reluctant to go there; he was her boss after all. Although he wasn't tall or broad, he had an infectious charm and an unmistakable kindness behind his hazel eyes.
Winter shook her head back and forth, dispelling the thought of a slim possibility of what it would be like to date Andrew. She had been pretty certain his feelings ran deeper than the amazing friendship he offered her all those years ago. She rose from her stool at the bar and tapped her colleagues on the shoulder one-by-one to say her goodbyes. Turning to Andrew, she smiled and gave a small wave of her hand. She saw the disappointment in the hunch of his shoulders and the huff of breath she watched leave his chest. With a dejected smile, he waved back before turning his attention towards the rest of their co-workers.
Winter wrapped her long peacock-colored coat around her and stepped out of the warm bar into the snow-covered streets. Her one-bedroom apartment was only five blocks away from her workplace at Wilson Web Designs with the bar right below the office—perfect for after-work drinks. Once they closed up the office, you would think they would all be glad to go home and say goodbye to each other, but that was never the case. For the past three years of Winter’s tenure, she had been accepted as one of the family. Andrew even arranged for the rest of her co-workers to learn ASL, through work time, so they could communicate more effectively with her. Winter spent months laughing as everyone practiced their new skills and lessons, especially trying to get their hands to bend and remember the signs. She had been more than happy to help them out because they were genuine in wanting to understand her.
Winter felt her phone buzz inside her shoulder bag and she stopped briefly to dig it out. She began walking again as she checked her message; it was from Andrew: "I know it's probably the wrong time, but I will keep trying. If you haven't figured it out already I’m absolutely crazy about you! If you don't feel the same then please, delete this message and pretend I never wrote it. Xo.” Winter smiled and shook her head in disbelief at the same time. She definitely had not been expecting that. Placing the phone into her back jeans pocket, she rounded the corner, her apartment only a few hundred feet away.
Andrew? Winter thought to herself. She wasn't going to deny she on occasion found herself checking him out, attracted to his one-sided smiles. Whenever she actually imagined or daydreamed about what it would be like to actually be with him, her chest ached and her childhood love would come crashing into her mind, the way it was doing right now. Even the thought of being with another made Winter feel guilty, as if she was betraying Connor.
Winter sped up as she approached her lower level apartment door. Fishing around inside her never-ending bag, she found the key and turned the lock, stepping through the front door. She just finished shrugging off her coat, placing it neatly over her bei
ge sofa, when she felt the vibration in her back pocket again. She thought for a second it would be Andrew sending another text; she knew she couldn't date him. She was going to politely reply that she cared for him, but was not interested in a relationship.
The message wasn't from him though. It had been from her high school best friend and if she kept her fingers crossed sister-in-law, if her brother ever got his butt into gear and proposed. Winter opened Nicole's message, her heart skipping a beat. In bold writing, screaming at her with importance were the words “URGENT! WINTER YOU NEED TO CATCH THE NEXT FLIGHT HOME ASAP! EMERGENCY!”
Winter's hands shook as she began to type back, “What's happened Nicole? Is it Charlie?" She pressed send and anxiously waited, pacing her small living room. It felt like an eternity, but two minutes later Nicole replied: “Yes, it's Charlie. You need to come home quickly. I'll explain everything when you get here. Meet me out front of the hospital."
Winter hurriedly packed within five minutes and texted for a Uber; she anxiously paced out in front of her apartment until it arrived. Everything was taking too long. Did life not realise she had an emergency?
Once she reached the airport, much to her chagrin, her flight had been delayed. Winter struggled to keep it together while she waited. First her father and then Connor had been taken from her world. She prayed to God to not let anything happen to Charlie. She didn't think she could survive losing someone else she loved.
Finally, it was time to board the plane. Once she took her seat, she breathed a small sigh. She was one step closer to being home.
Nolan
Nolan pushed the nail gun down into the roof of the house they were hoping to finish up and have completed before Christmas in a few weeks. It had been a busy year for their construction business with more projects than their small team could handle. With the start of the New Year also came hiring some new guys to add to their crew. Business had boomed and so had their town; new estates were popping up in droves, expanding and supporting local shops, restaurants, and trades.
