by Sarah Gai
She turned to look at Nicole who was crying and hugging Nolan tightly. Winter’s gift of a crystal set of glasses was pale in comparison. It touched her heart that Nolan had put so much effort into his gift. She could tell Charlie was speechless also.
"I'm just going to help Eric unload it at your place and then I'll be back," Nolan signed while talking to Charlie.
God, he was so considerate. They had barely been around each other, yet he was making an effort to include her even when he didn't have to.
Winter was really struggling with herself whether to talk things over with him or walk away at the end of the night. But sometimes you aren't given the choice.
Winter
Autumn stayed for the remainder of the wedding and Winter could not get enough of her. There was something about her new instant friend—naïve, yet worldly; broken, yet alive. Autumn was a walking contradiction and Winter hoped one day she would get to figure her out.
Nolan returned to the reception and before long the wedding was over. Everyone began to leave; she said goodbye to the new couple with a promise to catch up after the honeymoon.
Winter left Nicole's house that morning with nothing but a dress and a bouquet, leaving her cell phone, purse, and luggage there. She had not thought further than the wedding. She stood on the curb contemplating her next move. Her mother and aunt had already left. She looked around to see who was still milling about when she spotted him, leaning against his car.
Nolan pushed off and walked towards her. Winter kept looking to see if there was another option. She was out of luck. "Come on, I'll give you a ride to Charlie's." He stood in the middle of the road waiting.
It was just a ride; it's not like they could talk while he was behind the wheel so Winter figured it was a safe zone. She agreed and walked past him signing, "Thank you," as she headed for his car.
The lights blinked as Nolan unlocked the doors and before he made his way around the truck, she yanked open the door and hopped up. Nolan shook his head and climbed into the driver’s seat.
She didn't look at him the whole ride. Her body was tired and all she could think about was taking a hot bath and falling into bed. The whole house was hers while Charlie and Nicole set off for their honeymoon to Italy.
Winter knew she would not sleep well though. Just making it through the day having to look at the man next to her, memories of things they did and the way he made her feel filled her thoughts. But he wanted someone she no longer was; a girl who died the day Connor died. She couldn't be who he wanted her to be.
There would always be a part of Winter that would never fully heal. There was no time limit on grief. Some people grieved for months, some years, but there were those who never recovered from their loss. Their world never returned to normal after they had lost the one they loved the most. Winter hoped one day she would be partly whole again. She thought for a tiny second that her pain was coming to an end, but it hadn't.
Nolan pulled up by the front door and cut the engine. "Thanks for the ride," she politely told him before opening up the door and stepping out.
Nolan jumped out also and ran around to stand in front of Winter. "You can't just walk away. We need to talk, please," he begged.
"There's nothing to talk about, Nolan. You lied to me, kept things from me. Kept Connor’s things from me."
"I know and I'm sorry. I wish I could turn back time and re-do it. Please beautiful, I don't think you understand how much I love you," he pleaded.
Winter held up her hand not wanting him to say anymore "Stop, Nolan. You don't get it. I'm not just blaming you. I blame myself, too. I jumped right in without thinking. I needed, no, I longed, to be wanted, to feel what it was like to be alive again. But truth is, a piece of me died a long time ago and was buried with the boy I grew up loving."
"I don't care. I love you for who you are right now, right here. I'm not asking for the world, Winter, just you."
Winter stepped forward towards him, her heart saddened. "It's not fair, Nolan. You deserve to love someone who can give you everything, to love you with all she has to offer. I can only give you a piece of me and I could never live with myself knowing you would always long for more."
Nolan shook his head, an anger rising to the surface, disappointment at hearing what she had to say. "That's bullshit, Winter! Not once have I ever asked you to be something you are not. I want you—brokenness and all. I knew being with you meant I had to share your heart and I would never complain about that. I would be the luckiest man alive to have just a sliver of what you have to offer." He ran a hand through his hair as he poured his heart out and thought about his next words. "Yes, I made a friend a promise. I didn't know what was going to happen that day. But I kept my promise and whether you leave here or not there will never be a time I won't be looking out for you because I keep my promises, damn it! I'm bleeding here, Winter! My heart is bleeding right now. So I'm going to leave you with this...I don't want to feel like I won by default the rest of my life if you ever do decide to be with me. If you want to be with me, you know where to find me. Until then, take a look at this and then decide. But remember this…I will never ask you to bury your memories of the boy you loved. Never have, never will.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter, shoving it into her hand. She stood there staring at it as Nolan disappeared from in front of her and left.
Winter felt like such a bitch as she entered her brother’s house and placed the letter on the entryway table. A part of her wanted to read its contents, yet the other part was not ready to see what it had to say. She had no right to look at the letter addressed only to Nolan. But her curiosity piqued as she stood there staring at it. No, she would have a bath and wait a bit to read it. Get her head straight.
As she climbed the stairs to the top floor entering the guest bathroom, she started the bath. What Nolan said to her stirred her internally—a piece of her ached for him. His words were beautiful and honest. He had spoken of a promise made between friends; Winter had no right to feel upset about that anymore. Was she running? Was she grasping at any excuse to keep her heart safe? Had her grief over Connor and her father turned out to be just a safety net?
As Winter undressed and stepped into the tub, sinking below the surface, she pondered if this was really what she had chosen for herself. The fear of putting herself out there, back into the real world, she honestly didn't think she could handle. But was she willing to let Nolan go? He had brought her back to life in the brief time they had spent together and showed her the light at the end of her darkened, lonely tunnel. Winter wanted to feel the warmth again and throw away the coldness that engulfed her.
After forty minutes of soaking, she pulled herself out of the bath and wrapped herself in a towel. As she entered the guest bedroom, she walked over to the bedside table where she had placed her bag after she arrived. Opening it up, she reached for her phone to check, if by some miracle, Nolan had left a message or Charlie had let her know they were at the airport. Over twenty messages awaited her; Nolan’s mother Kim, Rosie, even Charlie had texted her, but it only took one for Winter to fall to the floor in a panic. "There's been an accident. Nolan’s in surgery."
How? He had only dropped her off an hour ago. No, that wasn't right. It couldn't be. Her shaking hand went to the next one: "Car accident" and the next, "Sis, we’re on our way back from the airport."
Winter’s hands refused to work as she tried to send a message to Rosie. “Please someone needs to come get me!"
Within seconds there was a response, "I'm sending Carl as we speak. I have just arrived with Kim and we are still waiting to find out the extent of what happened."
Winter pushed herself up off the floor and hurried to get dressed, her mind still struggling to understand what was happening. She wouldn't contemplate the worst-case scenario, not yet. As she grabbed for her shoes and slipped them on, she reached for her phone and ran for the front door. The lights of Carl's vehicle pulled into the driveway and she ran to meet him. S
he jumped in and, without so much as a nod, Carl reversed and sped off towards the hospital.
Winter stayed glued to her phone in case any updates came through. Her heart was beating right out of her chest. Stay strong, she kept repeating to herself. She couldn't fall apart right now. Carl pulled into the Jefferson County emergency entrance and Winter jumped out leaving him to park the car.
As the doors slid open, Rosie met her. "How is he?" she asked right off. She spotted Kim sitting in the waiting room, distraught, tears flowing, her mouth contorted with anguish.
"Still waiting. They rushed him in for surgery. He was driving home and had a head on collision with a delivery truck that swerved into his lane. So far all we know is he has several broken ribs, a broken leg, and multiple facial injuries. They don’t know what kind of head trauma he has suffered yet. All we can do is wait."
Winter hugged her and rushed over to sit beside Kim. She pulled her into her side and held on for dear life. Kim responded and laid her head on Winter’s shoulder and that's how they stayed until the early hours of the morning. Charlie and Nicole finally arrived, opting to miss their flight and return home.
"There is no way we could have gone. He's family and we need to be here," Charlie told her as he bent down to kiss her. Carl finally convinced Rosie to go home and get some rest for a few hours. She only agreed after making Charlie promise to contact her with any updated news. Aunt Peggy delivered fresh coffee and sat on the other side of Kim. James, Henry, and Sadie showed up as well. There was so much love in the waiting room, people who truly cared for Nolan.
By the time the doctor showed up, Winter had bitten her nails to the point of bleeding. Everyone stood up and rushed at the elderly man with the white coat.
Winter stood holding Kim's hand as they all spoke a million miles a minute. She didn't even try to follow along, just waited until they had all finished speaking. She watched the body language of everyone around; their shoulders relaxed a little, the look of relief in her brother’s eyes, Nicole smiling in gratitude. Kim's body lost some of the tension and the doctor nodded in assurance.
That was all Winter needed to see. He was going to be okay. As the doctor walked away, followed by Kim, Winter turned to Charlie, "Please tell me," she signed.
Charlie smiled, "He's going to be okay they think. He's in ICU right now. They have placed him into a coma."
Winter panicked, "What?"
Charlie shook his head, "No, that's a good thing. His brain took a hit, the swelling pretty bad, so they are giving him time to heal. He has some broken ribs that have to heal and they set his leg, but aside from some superficial wounds, they're pretty confident he will recover. He's really lucky, Winter. It could have been a lot worse."
For the first time since arriving there, Winter sat down and allowed herself to cry. Nicole came and sat down next to her with Sadie on the other side. They let her weep; she finally released the trepidation that had built up within her core by merely being there just for support. It was exactly what she needed.
A hand touched her knee and Winter looked up at Kim crouching in front of her. "Come" she mouthed, taking Winter by the hand and leading her down the corridor.
She turned to look at her brother. "Call us when you can," he signed. She nodded and turned to follow Kim. She didn't know if she deserved this after all they had been through, but she silently thanked Kim for including her.
As they entered the hospital room, Winter gasped. Nolan was unrecognizable; wires and tubes ran every which way. His face was swollen and bruised; a ventilator helped him to breathe and his leg was in plaster, hanging in a sling.
Winter ran to the side of his bed, sobbing and barely breathing as she grabbed his hand. Kim stood on the other side, stroking his arm. Winter wished she could speak, to say his name and let him know she was there and she wasn't going anywhere. The thought of losing him was unbearable. She didn't want to protect her heart anymore; she wanted to give it freely to him, to live her life with him, wake up with him every morning, and go to bed with him every night. All those thoughts she wanted to tell him, yet she couldn't utter a single one.
Instead, Winter did the only two things she could think to do. First, she sent a text message to the one and only man of God she knew, Eric, by messaging her new friend Autumn and explaining what happened. Then she placed her phone back in her pocket and sat down beside Nolan’s bed doing the second thing she could think of—just holding his hand and praying he would wake up soon.
Come back to me, baby," she thought to herself.
Winter
Things didn't go as planned. Autumn and Eric arrived at the hospital and were admitted into the room. Autumn held her hand as Eric prayed for Nolan. It was a comfort to know they were there.
"God must have known we were needed here, Winter. Just trust in Him; he will heal Nolan. We won't go anywhere until he wakes up," Autumn tried to comfort.
Over the next few days family and friends came to visit. Kim and Winter took turns staying with him as the other took either a brief toilet or coffee break. The doctors stopped the drugs on the third day and removed his breathing machine. Now, they were waiting for him to wake up.
It had been eight days, yet Nolan had not stirred or opened his eyes. Kim was beside herself; Winter was jumping out of her skin. The doctors began to grow worried, although he was healing; the swelling on his face reduced and the pressure around his brain was decreasing. For a second, the doctors thought they might have to operate and take some of the fluid from around his skull, but Nolan was a fighter and his body was working hard to repair itself.
Kim reached over and passed her a note. "Go home for a little bit, sweetie. Have a shower and rest. I'll stay with him and if anything changes I'll message you right away."
Winter didn't want to leave him in case he opened up his eyes. She needed to change her clothes though so she reluctantly agreed. She placed her hand over her heart and begged Kim to understand.
"I know. He loves you, too," she mouthed smiling back at Winter, her hand touching her son’s chest over his heart. Winter stood and left the room.
She texted Charlie and within twenty minutes he had picked her up and taken her back to his house. She didn't want to be too long, knowing there was no way she was going to sleep. She quickly showered while Nicole insisted on making her try and eat a sandwich. She sat at the kitchen counter and managed to finish half of her lunch.
Turning to Charlie, she signed, "I don't want to be a nuisance, but can you drive me somewhere?" He nodded.
"Do you mind if I come?" Nicole signed, unsure of Winter’s response.
She smiled at her sister-in-law, "I wouldn't want it any other way.”
Winter grabbed her bag from the hallway table and paused. The letter Nolan had given her to read last week was still there. How had she missed it? She snatched it up and ran outside to the waiting car, jumping into the back seat.
Charlie turned to face her, "Where to sister?" he asked.
"The cemetery," she instructed.
His eyes grew wide. Winter had not stepped foot near the place since Connor’s burial, but it was time to go back there.
They arrived at the cemetery and Charlie parked the car. "Do you want us to go with you?" Nicole signed. Winter nodded.
They all piled out of the car and walked the short distance to the plot. It had been a really long time since Winter had said hello. She turned to Charlie, "Could you please say the words out loud for me so he can somewhere out there hear them?"
"Of course," he comforted, leaning down planting a brotherly kiss on her temple.
Winter took a deep breath. "Hi, Dad. It's me, Winter. I know it's been a really long time, but it's been really hard for me to come see you. Things have been tough since you left us. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Mom didn't do so well after you said goodbye, but Charlie says she's doing really well now. Nicole and Charlie finally got married and you would just love her dad, you really would." She fel
t Nicole squeeze her shoulder as she continued to sign. "I just wanted to say you will never be forgotten and if you could do me a favor and look after Connor that would be more than I could ever hope for. I'm changing my life and finally going to start the journey I've been dreaming of. Love you Papa," she finished. She looked up at Charlie, tears in her eyes. "Thank you. I really needed to tell him that."
"Yes, I think you did little sister," he hugged her. Pulling back, his head swiveled to the side. Winter’s followed.
Of all the days, this was one she was not ready for. There must have been a higher power constructing things of late. Winter saw Aunt Peggy over in the parking lot, leaning against her car. She gave a shy wave, looking a little guilty, as standing no more than six feet away from Winter was her mother.
She had changed so much in the past few months. Her hair was no longer an aging gray, but a lovely hazelnut color. She wore a pair of navy blue pleated pants with a matching jacket and a slight touch of make-up. Charlie walked over and gave her a soft hug; her mother’s eyes closing with thankfulness as her son embraced her.
"Could you give me a moment with Winter? If that's okay with Winter of course?" she signed.
So, she hadn't forgotten. Winter hadn't seen her really use it in well over a decade. Charlie seemed hesitant as he looked at his sister. She knew if she refused he would not leave her side. Winter nodded; her mother actually looking at her for the first time since being home, a spark of hope in her eyes. Charlie nodded back in understanding and reached over to grab Nicole's hand, leading her back to the car.
Abigail stepped forward, passed Winter, and touched the headstone where her husband was buried. A single tear fell from her eye and trailed down her cheek. She kissed her fingers and touched the grave one last time. Turning to Winter, she signed, "I know I don't deserve a second chance so I won't ask for one."
Winter rolled her eyes. She was not in the mood to hear this. Her mother touched her arm and Winter quickly pulled it back.
