by C. T. Hsia
RASCAL: I’ll carry it myself, I’ll carry it myself! This bunch of bastards—whenever I call them to take care of something for me, every one of them is gone. If anything happens to the Old Boy, I’ll sell off the whole lot of them myself. (Carries over the table.) Ah! In all my thirty years, when did I ever have to carry a table? And why must the thing be so big and heavy! (Puts down the table.)
ZHAO: Bring me paper, ink, brush, and an inkstone.
RASCAL: Here they are.
ZHAO (writes:) I have already drawn up this document; now I will sign it. Rascal, come here. You and I will mark it on the front and sign it on the back.20
RASCAL: Why are you making me mark it on the front and sign it on the back? I haven’t done anything wrong. I have no idea of what I’m signing, and he’s holding on to it with both hands as if he were afraid that I’d steal it and eat it! (Signs it.) There, I’ve signed it. Are you going to sell me now?
ELDER: And if your father does want to sell you, what of it?
ZHAO: Please accept this document, sir. (Again kneels; ELDER accepts it.) Rascal, invite your uncle to be seated, then summon your wife.21
RASCAL: Uncle is already seated. Sister, come out here. (CUIGE enters.)
ZHAO: Rascal, you and your wife bow to your uncle eight times.
RASCAL: Bow to him? But it’s not New Year’s—why bow to him now?
ELDER: Why should you and I quarrel over bowing, Rascal?
RASCAL: Don’t think that I mind bowing to you eight times, Uncle. Even if I keep on bowing to you all day long, what’s the big deal?
CUIGE: Just do as your father says and bow to your uncle.
RASCAL: Shut your mouth! Enough of your talk! Just stay out of it—I’ll bow, I’ll bow! (Bows.) I’ll make this one bow stand for eight bows. (Stands up and straightens his clothing.) How is your missus, Uncle?
ELDER (angrily:) Bah!
RASCAL: This old boy’s getting pretty testy!
ELDER: Rascal, do you know what your father’s illness is about?
RASCAL: I don’t know.
ELDER: Bah! Your father has been ill for six months, and yet you don’t even know why? Don’t you know that when a father is ill, the son should take responsibility for it?
RASCAL: Calm down, Uncle. I could have said that I don’t know what my father’s illness is, but how could that be? Or I could have said that I did know, but I cannot be certain. I only see him sitting and then sleeping, sleeping and then sitting, so maybe he doesn’t get enough exercise.
ELDER: Rascal, what is written in that document your father drew up and gave to me?
RASCAL: I don’t know.
ELDER: Then why did you mark it on one side and sign it on the other if you did not know?
RASCAL: Father made me sign it: I didn’t dare refuse to sign it.
ELDER: Since you do not know, come forward both of you and I will explain it to you. Just think: even though your father gave you life, raised you to your majority, and found you a wife, you still fell in with bad company. You started to drink and got into trouble; you did not attend to the family business. Consequently he became sick with anxiety. It says here in this document, “Yangzhou Rascal is hereby forbidden to undertake any enterprise without the consent of his uncle, Li Maoqing. If he does not comply with his uncle’s instructions, the latter may beat him to death without penalty.” Your father is giving me permission to beat you to death.
RASCAL (laments:) Father, how could you do such a thing! How could you let someone beat me to death!
ZHAO: Son, it is because I have no alternative.
ELDER: Do not let this concern you, Brother; Yangzhou Rascal certainly would not dare misbehave. (Sings:)
[Xianlü mode: Time to Appreciate Flowers]
So worried about his child that his hair is getting thin,
So concerned about his fortune that he would even fret in his grave;
Such heavy care has reduced his body to a mere skeleton.
(Turns to ZHAO:)
You’ve entrusted your wife and son to me.22 (Speaks:)
Have no fear, (sings:)
In the end all will be as you wish. (Exits.)
RASCAL (supporting ZHAO:) Sister, Father’s color is not too good just now; let’s help him into his parlor. You relax, Father.
ZHAO: Rascal, now that you have come of age, manage well the family property, care for your wife, and be frugal and thrifty. Clearly I am about to die. (Recites:)
Just because I raised a son whose nature’s commonplace,
Day and night I worry and grieve—death’s staring me in the face.
Should he hurry across the courtyard it would be too late,23
Then if only in dreams we’ll be together in one place. (Exit together.)
ACT 1
(CLOWN dressed as TEA SHOP KEEPER enters.)
TEA SHOP KEEPER (recites:)
Three Isles’ patrons I welcome with tea.
Five Lakes’24 guests I send off with puree;
If the soup or the tea’s not as good as can be,
Then it’s so hard to get them to pay me!
I’m a tea shop keeper. Today I’ve heated up the teakettle and I’m waiting to see who comes by.
(COMICS dressed as LIU LONGQING and HU ZICHUAN enter.)
LIU (recites:)
I raise neither silkworms nor mulberry, no fertile lands do I till;
I solely rely on swindling my idle years to fill.25
HU (recites:)
Why should I work from morning till night draws near,
When harder-working suckers will pay my every bill?
LIU: I am Liu Longqing; my sworn brother here is Hu Zichuan. Neither of us knows how to carry on any business or trade; we wholly depend on our clever tongues to get us through. In the city there’s a Little Brother Zhao, Yangzhou Rascal.26 Ever since he swore brotherhood with us, he has done exactly what we have told him. Without us he wouldn’t be in the mood even for drinking tea or eating a meal. And if it weren’t for him, the two of us would starve to death!
HU: Even my old woman’s trousers are his, Brother, and so is your head scarf, too.
LIU: Ouch—and it’s hurting my head!
HU: What is there among the clothes we wear and the food we eat that didn’t come from him, Brother? I haven’t seen him for the last couple of days, and it’s made the palms of my hands feel all scorched and dry. Brother, let’s go look for him in the tea shop. If we find him, we’ll have both meat and wine. What we can’t finish we’ll wrap up and take home to give to our old women.
LIU (sees TEA SHOP KEEPER:) Right you are, Brother. Waiter, has Little Brother Zhao been here?
TEA SHOP KEEPER: No, not yet.
LIU: You keep watch for us. When he comes in, you tell us. We won’t be having anything just now, though.
TEA SHOP KEEPER: As you wish. But here comes Little Brother Zhao now.
RASCAL (enters and recites:)
On the surface I’m blessed with great beauty,
Yet within I’ve not one speck of worth;
Crudeness is ingrained in my core,
While my charm has been growing since birth.
I’m Yangzhou Rascal, but most people find it easier on the tongue to call me Little Brother Zhao. Since my father died the days and months have gone by quickly, and it has already been ten years. I’ve been living off the family fortune: the gold and silver, the pearls and kingfisher jade, the antiques and curios, the produce and property, livestock, cattle, and sheep, the oil-pressing shop, the pawnshop, the maids and—I’ve mortgaged or sold them off until now they’re all gone. My hands are used to handling money every day and my mouth is used to delicacies—if I don’t spend scores of pieces of silver a day, I just can’t get by.
I’ve formed bonds with two sworn brothers; one is Liu Longqing and the other is Hu Zichuan. They’re my bosom buddies. They know what I’m going to say before I say it; all I do is mention the beginning and they know the end of it. Why shouldn’t I respect them?
But I haven’t followed Father’s wishes after all. What they suggest is just what I want to hear, and so I listen to them just as if they were classical writ. I haven’t seen them for a couple of days; usually they’re in that tea shop waiting for me. I’ll go there and ask about them. (Greets TEA SHOP KEEPER.)
TEA SHOP KEEPER: Here you are, Little Brother Zhao. Your friends are waiting here for you to come. Hey you two, Little Brother Zhao is here!
HU: He’s here, he’s here! One of us should be cordial to him and the other nasty. You go meet him.
LIU: You go, Brother.
HU: No, Brother; you go.
LIU (greets RASCAL:) Where were you, Brother? We’ve been waiting for you all morning.
RASCAL: You haven’t come around to see me these past few days either, Brother.
LIU: Hu Zichuan is here too.
RASCAL: I’ll go over there. (Greets HU.) Good morning, Brother!
(HU does not return his greeting.)
LIU: Little Brother’s here.
HU: Which little brother?
LIU: Little Brother Zhao.
HU: Where does his old man serve as an official that he should be called “Little Brother”? He’s a good-for-nothing who’s pretending to be an official—playing the imposter before our very eyes!27 Call the bailiff and tie the bastard up!
RASCAL: How can he be so unreasonable? He must have started drinking early today.
LIU: We’ve been waiting all morning, but we haven’t eaten yet.
RASCAL: Haven’t eaten? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I’m not the tapeworm in your stomach—how would I know? Here’s a piece of silver; you can buy your own food.
(Gives them money.)
HU: Bring tea for Little Brother. You’re just too thin-skinned for this sort of teasing.
RASCAL: It’s not that I’m thin-skinned, Brother; it’s that your hide is a little too tough for me.28
LIU: I have a “private matter” that I’d like to arrange for you.
RASCAL: I appreciate your good intentions, Brother. But I’m not like what I used to be—I’ve used up all my inheritance. It’s been like feeding an ass with a sieve—all the beans have leaked out.29 All I have left is this suit of clothes; I’m keeping up appearances, just pretending to look like a man of means. You go set her up for someone else.
HU: I’d say you don’t want to go along with this because you can’t make a dead dog climb a wall.
RASCAL: It’s not that I can’t get it up, Brother; it’s only my money belt that’s soft to the squeeze.
LIU: Ha! You say you have no money, but your house still “wears the King of Heaven’s armor.”30 Can’t you get some cash for that?
RASCAL: Aiya! How can you only be my sworn brother—you know me as well as my old man! Who else could come up with such a good suggestion when I’m in a bind? Sure, I’m out of money now, but if I sell the house, then I will have more! But there’s just one catch, Brother. When my father was alive, he spent a hundred ingots of silver just replacing the roof tiles. Who would be willing to pay that kind of price now?
HU: If it’s worth a thousand ingots of silver, ask for only five hundred; if it’s worth five hundred, ask for only two hundred fifty. That way people will fight over it.
RASCAL: Sure enough. If it’s worth a thousand ingots, I’ll ask for only five hundred; if it’s worth five hundred, I’ll ask for only two fifty. Then people will fight over it—it will be like getting a millstone off my hands. But there’s just one catch, Brothers: my uncle Li next door will undoubtedly have some objections—that’s why we can’t do it. We just can’t!
HU: Well, if Uncle Li isn’t willing, just twist his arm a little and then he’ll go along with it.31
RASCAL: Yes, if he’s not willing, we’ll just twist his arm a little, and then he’ll go along with it. But if I sell the house, I’ll need an assessor and a broker.
LIU: Then I’m an assessor!
HU: And I’m a broker!
RASCAL: Oh—so you’re an assessor and you’re a broker. But if I sell the house, where will I live?
LIU: There’s a broken-down donkey shed at my place.
RASCAL: There’s a broken-down donkey shed at your place? Well, as long as it doesn’t leak through on me, it’ll be all right. But what will I use to cook with?
HU: There’s a worn-out cooking pot at my place, two cracked bowls, and two pairs of split chopsticks. I’ll give them all to you: that will be all you’ll need.
RASCAL: Good Brothers, if this house is worth a thousand ingots of silver, then I’ll ask only five hundred; if it’s worth five hundred, then I’ll ask only two hundred fifty. When people see that the price is low, they’ll fight to buy it. If Uncle Li isn’t willing, then we’ll just twist his arm a little. You, Brother Liu, will be the assessor, and you, Brother Hu, will be the broker. Your house has a broken-down donkey shed, and your house has a worn-out cooking pot, two cracked bowls, and two pairs of split chopsticks. That will be all I’ll need, and I’ll be happy. If it were not for you two dirty bastards, I just couldn’t be properly finished off! (Exits.)
(ELDER enters with his wife, MADAME ZHAO, and son, MASTER LI.)
ELDER: I’m Li Maoqing. Who would have thought that my old friend would have such clear foresight. He said, “After I die, my unworthy son will inevitably ruin the family.” Now that has come about just as he said it would. Rascal has indulged himself with wine and women, and in a matter of only a few years, the family fortune has been swept away without a trace. Well is it said, “No one knows a son better than his father.” This is true indeed. (Sings:)
[Xianlü mode: Touching Up Red Lips]
This began as the nest of his forefathers—
Who could predict that an unworthy offspring
Would scrape it bare?
His father toiled for half a lifetime,
Vainly planned for a thousand years to come.
[River Churning Dragon]
Beware of living by treachery and craft,
For I fear that your fate will not merit such gains!
From time immemorial all is predestined by former lives,
Who, then, would allow greed and gluttony in this one?
Worthy but stupid was the one who amassed wealth while fated to be poor,
While the one who enjoys that family wealth is his pampered son.32 (Speaks:)
I think of how hard he worked to amass this wealth: (sings:)
In his business dealings,
He had to be cunning and deceitful;
In opening farmland,
He had to hoe and dig everywhere;
He ditched marshes, worked as fisherman and woodcutter,
He dug deep in mountain caves, mining coal for fuel;
But wherever he worked,
He strove to earn all possible profit and fame,
Without ever realizing that in the end
He’d fall on the road to Handan33—
Just like the finch that called from the eaves
Or the wren making its nest in reeds.34
(CUIGE enters.)
CUIGE: I’m Cuige. Ever since my father-in-law passed away, Rascal has been squandering all of the family fortune and property. Now he wants to sell the house too. I’m going to tell our uncle of the Eastern Hall. This is his house; I must go straight in. (Greets ELDER.)
ELDER: Why have you come, daughter-in-law?
CUIGE: Ever since my father-in-law died, Rascal has been squandering all of the family fortune and property. Now he wants to sell the house. I came right away to report this to you, Uncle.
ELDER: I knew it! Wait until that worthless wretch comes—I have some thoughts of my own about that.
(RASCAL enters with LIU and HU.)
LIU: Take care of this quickly, Little Brother Zhao. Any delay could spell disaster.
RASCAL: Rounding the bend and turning the corner, here we are at the gate of the Li house. There’s just one hitch, Brothers: I won’t dare bring up the sale of the house directly. Since
the old man will probably be a little cantankerous and because this will be hard to talk about, I’ll beat around the bush a little before I bring it up. You two stay out here. (Greets ELDER and bows:) Uncle, Aunt, I bow and salute you.
(Sees CUIGE, glares at her.) Why are you here? Could it be that you’ve come to inform on me?
ELDER: Rascal, why have you come?
RASCAL: It’s because my wife has come to see you, Uncle; because she’s so young I was afraid she might not know how to conduct herself.
(LIU and HU enter; they see ELDER, ceremoniously bow to him.)
ELDER: And who are these two?
LIU AND HU: We’re not to be taken for common scoundrels—we’re scholars and we’ve read half of The Essentials of the Comprehensive Mirror.35
ELDER (angrily:) For what reason have you come to my house?
LIU: We greeted him right nicely, and yet he’s getting all huffy. How tiresome!
RASCAL: They’re good friends of mine. One is Liu Longqing and the other is Hu Zichuan.
ELDER: What Liu Longqing or Hu Zichuan do I know that you should summon them here to see me! Rascal, (sings:)
[Oily Gourd]
With this pack of dogs, this pair of foxes you cavort. (Speaks:)
Rascal, how old are you?
RASCAL: I’m thirty, Uncle.36
ELDER: Shush! (Sings:)
You are no longer a child,
But no good deeds have you learned to do. (Speaks:)
Well, I cannot blame you … (Sings:)
At home no guidance from venerable father or honorable brother,
Outside you’ve no instruction from good friends and stern teachers. (Speaks:)
You will wind up a beggar, Rascal!
RASCAL: Is that so? Just read my left palm: that’s not in my future!
ELDER (sings:)
You’ve squandered all your family property,
Leaving wife and children to freeze and to starve.
Still I hope that you’re only drunk and will sober up,
Merely confused and will become enlightened,
Just dreaming and will awaken37—
And yet you keep company with a pair such as these!
RASCAL: Liu Longqing and Hu Zichuan are my best friends.
ELDER: Rascal, (sings:)
[Joy for All Under Heaven]
Ah, son, have you not heard …
