"I'm so tired, Tori." Lily's voice was thin and breathless. "Can't we rest? Just for a minute?"
Tori stopped and looked back over her shoulder, not breathing, listening for any signs of pursuit. She let her breath out in a long, deep sigh. She couldn't let her little sister see how afraid she truly was. The more ground they covered, the better off they'd be. But, maybe they could rest for a few minutes.
"Tori, I had a dream we got rescued." Lily sank to the ground, leaning against the broad trunk of an oak tree.
Tori smiled. She sat down beside Lily, grateful for the short respite. "Who rescued us?"
"Will did."
The smile fled from Tori's lips. After a moment, she said, "Will's dead, darling."
"Yes, I know. But he rescued us."
"Are you sure it was Will?"
Lily wrinkled her freckled nose. "Maybe not. It looked like Will, but he was all grown up. Older than you, even, Tori. But…it couldn't be Will." Her voice quavered. "Will can't ever grow up, now. It had to be somebody else."
"Someone with blond hair?" Tori questioned gently. Will's death had been particularly hard on Lily. Only two years older, he'd been Lily's playmate and staunch defender for all of his ten years.
"Yes." Lily nodded vigorously.
"Well, it might still happen. Maybe whoever it is is out there just waiting to rescue us, Lily. But for now—" Tori touched her little sister's light brown hair. "We have to depend on ourselves."
"I know."
Both girls fell silent for a few moments, until Tori finally asked, "Are you rested?"
"For now." Lily reached for her sister's hand. "I'm ready."
Chapter Twenty-One
Kaed cupped Jessica's breast in the darkness, gently teasing her nipple to hardness. She opened her eyes sleepily, and Kaed smiled at her in the half-light of early morning. She moaned in soft surrender, moving closer to him, and he let the ripe weight of her breast rest in his palm.
He leaned down to meet her lips with his as he pulled her flush to him. She looked up into his face, bringing her hand up slowly to brush the dark hair out of his eyes. He turned his head to plant a warm kiss inside her palm. His eyes searched hers. "Okay?"
She nodded, and bit her lip. "Yeah," she whispered. "I'll be okay." She shut her eyes to keep the tears back.
"You're a terrible liar, Mrs. Turner." He kissed her eyelids, then the tip of her nose.
She nodded. "I make good biscuits, though."
Kaed laughed, and traced the outline of her lips with a finger. "You make good love, too."
Her eyes flew open at his blunt words.
He grinned. "Hey, I only speak the truth, Jess. I'm a terrible liar, too."
She snuggled against him contentedly. "Do I?"
Kaed kissed the top of her head. "The best."
"Hmm," she purred. "I'll bet you say that to all your women."
Kaed shook his head. "You are all my women now. The only woman. And you make love the best."
"That's easy to say when there's no competition."
Kaed gave her a frustrated look. "What about all those other women you were so concerned about last night? The ones Jack opened his big mouth—"
"You said they were in the past. Before me."
"And you believed me, didn't you?"
Jessica slanted him an impish grin. "Of course I believed you. You said it yourself, you're a terrible liar."
He growled, cutting off the rest of what she was going to say as his mouth came down on hers. Her breath caught as her hands locked in his hair at the back of his neck, and he groaned.
After a moment, he lifted his head, searching her eyes. "Jessica? What's wrong?"
"Last night. I don't understand why you—" She looked away from him quickly.
"If you're so good at making love, why did I pull out?" Kaed's voice was low and husky. He'd seen her confusion when he had withdrawn at the last, spending himself in his own hand. There had been an undeniable look of questioning and hurt in her eyes. Now, he needed to address the reasons for what he had done. He looked down at her and met her unwavering gaze. She wouldn't condemn him, he knew, no matter what explanation he gave her. She trusted him completely.
He settled back into the pillows and sighed. "I never meant to hurt you, Jessi."
"Is it that you don't want children?"
"No," he shook his head. "Let me explain." He reached for her hand. After a moment had passed, he took a deep breath. "I'm not very good at this," he muttered.
Lexi turned in her sleep and sighed, bringing a ghost of a smile to Kaed's lips. The tension in his body melted away as he looked at the baby bed. Lexi's small hands were curled into fists, her face angelic, as she slept.
"Family seems to be a hard thing for me to hold on to." He shifted, and Jessica moved to lay her head on his shoulder. Her long hair trailed across his bare chest, and he felt her breathe slowly, relaxing in his embrace. "I lost my parents when I was eight."
"It still hurts, doesn't it?" Jessica laid her hand across his side, tracing his ribs.
He drew a long breath, and spoke quietly. "Yeah. I guess it does."
"What happened?"
"My father was determined to have some bottom land to farm. Never mind that the place he selected was unprotected, away from the rest of the small settlement there in Cale Switch. The land was good, and it was what he wanted. But the Apache saw an easy target. They came in the night and took us. My younger brother, Kevin; my sister, Marissa; and me."
"They killed your parents?" Her voice was hesitant, and Kaed was silent for a moment before he responded.
"My father tried to stop them. He just couldn't defend us against so many. They killed him, then my mother, and took their scalps."
At her sharp intake of breath, Kaed stroked Jessica's long hair. "Barbaric?" he asked, reading her thoughts easily.
She nodded her head against him. "I've been afraid of the Indians ever since we came here."
Kaed smiled at this admission. "Standing Bear won't hurt you, sweetheart. The Choctaws aren't as—"
"Cruel?"
"Taking scalps was a practice the Indians learned from the Europeans, Jess. Barbaric, cruel—yes. But remember, they only fought back using the methods the white men used first." He cupped her chin and she raised her eyes to his. "You can trust Standing Bear."
"That's what he told me about you."
Kaed grinned. "He knows me pretty well. After the Apache had had us for a year or so, he bartered for the three of us. We lived with the Choctaw after that. I left when I was seventeen. Kevin and Marissa were so young, the way of the People is all they knew."
"They stayed with the tribe? Even when they had a choice?"
"It's how they were raised. Kevin was only five when we were taken; Marissa was two." He was silent a moment. "I was the only one old enough to remember."
"Do you ever see them?"
"I walk in both worlds, Jessi. I come and go freely in the Choctaw camp. Kevin and Marissa are married and have families. They're both more Choctaw than white by the way they've been raised. I lost them to a way of life I couldn't fully embrace. I guess it's harder for me, because I remember our parents, our home." He shook his head and felt her fingers moving gently, absently, over his bronze skin.
"I wondered how he knew you. Standing Bear, I mean." Jessica lifted her head and met his eyes. "You're like a son to him, aren't you?"
"I'll never think of him as my father, but he saved us from the Apache." He smiled caustically. "They're a pretty rough bunch. The Choctaws are reasonable, at least. I owe him for what he did. Can't ever repay that."
"He's a good man. He raised a good man." She kissed his side. "Whether you want to think of him as your father or not, it seems he did what he could to do right for you."
Kaed nodded, thinking of how Standing Bear had brought him here, to Jessica, instead of back to the Choctaw camp. It could have been because of the close proximity of her cabin and the severity of his injuries, but Kaed
had a feeling it was the chieftain's way of throwing them together. He thought of Standing Bear's impassive face, of the things he had said when he had come to see how Kaed was faring.
Jessica's voice was quiet. "What else, darling?" The concern in her question brought him back to the present. He met her eyes briefly, then glanced away.
For an interminable length of time, he was silent, struggling to find the right words. Jessica put her palm against his cheek, and he slowly turned back to look at her.
The love and complete acceptance he saw in her face made him catch his breath. Would it still be there after he told her the rest of this story?
"Jessi."
"It's okay," she said. "Whatever it is, Kaed, it'll be all right."
There were so many things he wanted to say to her. Her touch was gentle, soothing him. Loving him.
Putting this off wouldn't to make it any easier. He wet his dry lips, then said, "I told you once, I used to be good with babies. Remember?" He nodded toward Lexi's crib.
"And you were right." Jessica smiled at him. "Lexi loves you."
He met her eyes, and she fell silent. "I had a son and a daughter of my own. A long time ago." He kept his gaze fixed on Lexi. "And a wife. A Choctaw girl." It had been so long since he'd spoken of them to anyone. They'd been gone ten years now. He tried never to think about it. But Jessica had a right to know. He'd thought love would never come to him again. That he'd never have to explain the past to anyone.
Jessica lay beside him, patiently waiting for him to go on. Outside, the sounds of the men beginning to stir drifted on the morning air, and the call of a mourning dove filtered through the stillness.
"It was my fault." Kaed's voice came out rusty and choked.
"What happened?"
His grip tightened in Jessica's hair, his hand fisting in it.
"She didn't want to go."
"Go where, Kaed?"
He swallowed hard, fighting for control. "No matter how hard Standing Bear tried, he couldn't make me forget I was white." He gave a wry laugh. "And believe me, he tried. But I couldn't forget my family and what had happened. I owed it to them not to forget."
Jessica nodded against him, and he released his grip gradually, forcing himself to relax as he spoke.
"I married at fifteen. A young girl of Standing Bear's choosing, Rain Falling. We had a baby girl the next year, and by the time I turned seventeen, she gave me a son." Kaed took a deep breath, blew it back out. "I got this crazy idea that I wanted to leave. Make it on my own. I packed up my family and we headed west." He gave a short laugh. "Stupid, I know, but I was young. It's the only excuse I can offer, looking back on it."
"You don't have to make excuses, Kaed." Jessica kissed his chest just over his heart. "I've made mistakes too. Billy Monroe being the biggest one."
A fleeting smile touched his lips before he became somber again. "I couldn't get away fast enough. Standing Bear thought I was a fool, and that made me even more determined to prove I could do it." He shook his head.
"We had nothing. No tools, no money—just our horses. But I found the place I wanted to settle, and we set up a temporary shelter. By the early summer, I had traded enough pelts to buy some of the things we needed—a plow and seed, coffee and flour, and some tools. I went to work chopping wood to make a cabin, plowing the fields to plant corn. I was like a madman, working constantly.
"They came one night." His voice was hollow. "I'd gone into Fort Smith to buy supplies. It was a two-day trip. When I got to the top of that little rise that overlooked our cabin, I…" His voice trailed away as he saw it once more in his mind—the cabin burned to the ground, still smoldering. The smell of cremated human flesh in the air. The hand-lettered note tacked to a nearby tree, bragging of the unspeakable things that had been done to his wife and children, and promises of what awaited him, if he didn't move on.
He'd moved on, all right. But only after he'd tracked down the four cowardly bastards who had mutilated and murdered his family. Only after he had taken his revenge upon every last one of them, slowly and methodically, until they couldn't scream, couldn't beg, couldn't even speak. Only then had he taken their scalps. Cruelly. Barbarically. Like the savage they had accused him of being.
He'd learned much about cruelty in the year he'd been with the Apache. It had been imprinted on his boyish mind, and it had never left him. He had used the knowledge upon those four men as skillfully as if he practiced it every day. And he had enjoyed it.
But it didn't bring back what he had lost.
"Kaed?"
Kaed closed his eyes, to keep Jessica from seeing his thoughts. What was in his mind right now would make her afraid of him, make the love in her eyes turn cold. He would not lose everything again.
He swallowed hard. "There were four men, Jess. They raped my wife and my daughter. My baby girl. Then they—" He broke off with a harsh curse and tried to push himself away from her, but she held on to him firmly.
"Tell me, darling. I know this is so painful for you. But sometimes, we need to share the burden with someone. I'm here for you."
"Christ, Jessi, you're so young. You don't understand—and I never want you to have to understand—how much this hurts."
She rose up and cradled his head against her. "You're right. I can't possibly imagine it. But I know you well enough to see how this has tormented you all these years."
"They burned the cabin and killed my family. They didn't want Indians settling there. That's a laugh, isn't it? Didn't want Indians settling on land that was theirs to begin with. And I wasn't Choctaw. Not really."
"What did you do?" she asked quietly.
Kaed's fingers went limp, and he dropped his hand slowly to the bed beside her. Should he be honest? Could he be? The silence roared between them.
Then he said simply, "I killed them."
Jessica nodded. "I figured that."
He met her eyes, and saw no condemnation there, only unconditional acceptance. A slow smile crept across his mouth. "You expected that."
"You're that kind of man, Kaed. You went after them and made them pay for what they'd done." She looked away after a moment. "That's something else I can't imagine."
Instantly, Kaed knew she was thinking of Billy Monroe on his knees in the cornfield, begging the Choctaws to take her, only spare his life.
"Jessi, I cherish you every bit as much as I did Rain and my children. If anything ever happened to you—"
Chapter Twenty-Two
She put two fingers across his lips. It was odd, being loved so much by a man. Being cherished, as he had said. But the feeling was wonderful. And she couldn't allow him to speak what was on his mind, because she suddenly understood his greatest fear. Losing her.
"Nothing is going to happen, Kaed," she whispered fiercely. "Don't even think that way."
He kissed her fingers. "Do you understand, Jess? Why I pulled out at the end? It has nothing to do with you. It's me. I just don't know if I'm ready to risk it all again." He looked away after a long pause. "Or if I ever will be ready. I know that's selfish of me. You're young. You'll want a family." He returned his gaze to her, his eyes filled with uncertainty. "And if you're not ready to take a gamble on me, a man who may never want to risk—"
She could not meet his steady look, wouldn't allow herself to believe he was actually speaking these words to her.
"I couldn't protect them before, Jessi."
She heard the raw self-condemnation in his words, felt her own heart shatter at his pain. She brushed his lips gently with hers.
"I love you, Kaed. No matter what you decide to do, I love you." She drew a shaky breath. "You have a lot to consider, too. There were a few times when you didn't pull out soon enough."
"I know. I've thought of that. I just hope that maybe we got lucky. Maybe it didn't take."
She moved off of him stiffly and sat up on the edge of the bed, hurt lancing through her with a sharpness that even understanding couldn't dull. "And, if it did 'take'?"
"Don't answer that, Marshal Turner. You just do what you feel you need to do. Come back home or—" She turned to look at him. "Just remember this. Life is one big poker game. I'm taking a gamble on you when you ride out of here. What if you get killed? What if your horse throws you, and you break your neck?"
He smiled. "Not likely."
"What if Fallon gets off a better shot this time and aims a little higher?"
"That's where he was trying for the first time."
She ignored him. "What if you decide you want to keep riding? You don't want children. Maybe being in love and having another wife is too risky for you, as well."
His eyes hardened. "Jessica."
"Or maybe Lexi will remind you of your daughter when she gets older. That may be a bit chancy for you."
He sat up. "Dammit, will you listen to me?"
"No. Not only no, but hell no!" Jessica stood up angrily and reached for her robe. "I'm tired of listening, Kaed. You made me think we had a life together, but… Oh, never mind! You're right. I'm young. A baby. Stupid, I guess. Why don't you get on your horse and take your wise, worldly self down the road and out of my life?" She belted the robe with a flourish, her eyes shooting angry fire at him as he watched in amazed silence.
Finally, he said, "Is that what you want?"
She gave him a thin, brittle smile. "You'd like me to make that decision for you, wouldn't you? It would let you off the hook. Well, I'm not going to do that, Marshal. I love you. I can't help it." She wiped at her eyes furiously, determined not to cry in front of him. "I'm willing to take a chance on you. Whether or not you come home to me is entirely up to you. Either you'll take care of yourself, or you'll be killed. Either you'll decide we've got a chance at a life together or you'll just keep on riding. It's your decision. But I'll be damned if I'll make it easy for you."
He rose swiftly, and strode around the end of the bed to where she stood, stopping within a few inches. His ebony eyes glittered like pieces of dark glass.
Fire Eyes Page 13
