by Vi Keeland
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Garrett was out the front door in the blink of an eye.
“Jesus Christ, Mom!” I screamed at her as I ran out the front door after him.
He was already in his car with the engine running.
“Garrett, wait!”
I jumped into the passenger’s seat. He wouldn’t look at me, he was breathing heavily as he gripped the steering wheel. He peeled out of my Mother’s driveway and took off.
We sat in silence for about five minutes as he sped down the road. I was trying to find the words.
“I’m sorry, I should have told her. I just never found the right time to,” I cried.
He slammed on his breaks. “I can’t fucking believe you!”
I put my head in my hands. “I know I’m so sorry. . .”
His anger reminded me of the night I told him what I had done.
We had gone out to dinner at the Olive Garden, my favorite restaurant. He was so happy. He couldn’t stop talking about “us and our family.” I didn’t say much during dinner and barely ate a thing. I had a pain in the pit of my stomach and felt like vomiting.
I hadn’t had the courage to tell him what I had done a week earlier. I had lied to him, told him I was sick with the flu. He wanted to come over and bring me chicken soup. I had told him it was a stomach virus, I didn’t want him to catch it and miss work.
After dinner we went to Wales Park to take a walk. I could barely look at him. I was ridden with guilt. I knew how much he had wanted this.
When we came across a bench, I asked him to sit. I really needed to talk to him.
“You feeling ok, Babe, you don’t look so good. Is it your stomach? Are you feeling queasy again?” He looked so worried.
He took one of my hands in his and put his other hand on my stomach and had me sit down next to him. I felt a huge lump in my throat. My saliva became thick in my mouth. I felt as if I could throw-up. I broke out in cold sweats and started to see spots.
“I don’t know how to tell you this. . .” I said.
I could see the look of fear in his eyes. “Did you lose the baby?” He asked frantically.
My head dropped to the ground as I sat there silently trying to find the right words, not knowing how to tell him. I quickly glanced up at him. The look on his face was breaking my heart. What had I done?
“Leila . . . Please talk to me. What is going on? Is everything ok with the baby?” His voice began to crack, and I could see the tears welling in his eyes.
I began to blink back my own tears. I never imagined it would be so hard to tell him.
“Leila! Please, you’re scaring me.”
“Garrett. . .” It came out as only a whisper. I quickly stared back down at the ground. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. It was killing me inside to confess to him what I had done.
As I looked back up at him he was running his hands through his hair. “Christ. . . Leila, what did you?”
I looked back down at the ground shaking my head.
“Look at me!” He yelled as he stood up.
I glanced at him nervously, and he began to pace back and forth.
“God Damn it, Leila! Tell me what you did! Don’t just sit there.”
“I don’t know how to say it,” I cried. I stood up and took a step towards him.
He ran his hands through his hair again. “Oh God! Please tell me you didn’t!”
I stood there in silence. The words couldn’t leave my mouth.
He put his hand on my shoulders and shook me. “Tell me! I need to hear you say it!” He shouted.
I pushed his hands off me and took a step backwards away from him. He was beginning to scare me. “Alright! You want to hear me say it! I had an abortion last week,” I yelled cringing at my words.
“What the fuck, Leila! You told me we would talk about this before you went and did anything! How could you do this? It was my baby too!” He was now pacing like a caged animal.
I dropped to my knees pleading. “Garrett, please. . . Don’t yell at me. I feel guilty enough. I don’t need you making things worse,” I sobbed. “I’m only seventeen. I want to go to college. I can’t do that with a baby.”
He put his head into his hands. “I told you I would take care of you and the baby. I am working full-time. I know I don’t make the best money, but we could get by.” He was now crying. “I can’t believe you’ve been lying to me for an entire week. You went behind my fucking back! Jesus Christ, don’t you think I would’ve supported your decision? I could’ve taken you.”
“I couldn’t break your heart like that. I know how excited you were. It killed me to do it, but it was the right thing to do for me. We are both so young. You don’t need to be worrying about me and a baby,” I said, trying to console him. I walked over to him reaching for his hand.
He pushed my hand away. “Don’t touch me.”
I tried to follow him. “Leila, stay away from me, before I do something I will regret!” He said with hatred in his voice.
He touched my arm and I jumped. “Leila? Where did you go?” He said worried.
“Sorry, I was just remembering that night.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted that way back there,” he said. “I just didn’t expect your mother not to know. I thought you would have told her.”
“Garrett, please don’t hate me. I must’ve tried to tell her a million times. After a while it just got easier not to tell her than to actually confess what I did. I don’t think I can go through this again. I just got you back,” I pleaded as my stomach began to do somersaults.
“I don’t hate you, I never hated you.” He touched my arm. “I was just so hurt that you couldn’t come to me and tell me how you were feeling. I hate that you felt the only way out was to go behind my back. I know I handled things horribly and if I could take it all back I would.”
“Garrett, I regret how I handled things too, but I don’t regret my decision.” I could tell my words hurt him. “I know deep down in my heart that if we would have kept the baby, it would have destroyed us. I was not ready for a baby and neither were you.”
He pulled me into him and gave me a tight squeeze. “Let me take you home.”
I looked up at him. “You aren’t going to stay?” I said, disappointed.
“I’m not sure if that is such a good idea. We had a very intense last twenty-four hours.” He leaned over my head and kissed the top of it.
We sat in silence for most of the drive back to my apartment. I gripped his hand as if my life depended on it, I didn’t want to let him go. We pulled up in front of Danny’s. I tried to convince him to stay with me. He promised he would call me when he got home and first thing the next morning. I reluctantly let him go.
I went up to my apartment and crashed on my bed. Molly jumped up after me. “Hi Molly, it is just me and you girl. . .”
A few weeks after the abortion, things between Garrett and I were still very strained. He was trying to support me and my decision, but I could tell he was still hurt by the choice I made. I called him and asked him if he wanted to go to the mall and walk around. I thought it would be good for us to get out. We had been held up in each other’s room for the past few weeks.
We were walking around the mall when we came upon a pet store. In the store’s front window there were about ten kittens running and playing in it. I saw the most adorable little calico kitten just lying in the corner. The kitten’s fur was red, white and black. It had the cutest little freckles on its nose. We went inside, and I asked the girl who worked there if I could hold the kitten. She went and got it out of the window for me. As soon she handed the kitten to me, I fell in love. It curled up in my arms and began purring.
Garrett took one look at me and said impatiently, “Let’s go.”
“Alright . . .” I said sadly. I walked the kitten over to the girl who had handed it to me.
Just as I was about to hand the kitten back, Garrett said, “What are you doing
?”
I looked at him confused. “I am giving the kitten back. You said let’s go.”
“I meant let’s go pick out a collar,” he said.
“What?” I said, confused.
He walked up to me and the girl rubbed the kitten’s head. “I can tell you are already in love. Go pick out a collar for it,” his voice began to soften.
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, as serious as a heart attack,” he laughed.
I turned to the girl. “I guess we are taking him home.”
“Actually, he’s a she,” she said smiling at me.
“Awwww. It’s a girl!” I squealed. “She needs a pink collar.”
Garrett rolled his eyes and laughed. . . .
My phone ringing woke me from my daydream. I was hoping it was Garrett calling me from the road, but it was my mother. “Yes, Mother,” my tone was cold.
“Leila, I didn’t intend for that to happen. I was just so shocked to see Garrett with you. You haven’t brought anyone home with you since you two broke up.”
“No, Mother, you never intend for anything to happen. You don’t know the whole story and after what you just pulled you will never know the whole story,” I snapped at her. “I’m tired, Mom, I am laying down. I will call you tomorrow.”
“Leila, I was just looking out for you. I love you. I don’t want to see you hurt.” She said with worry in her voice.
“I love you too, Mom, I will talk to you tomorrow.”
As I lay in bed, my mind began to race thinking about how I was going to explain all of this to Helen. What was she going to think and say? Had I just undone every step of progress I had made over these last few months?
My phone rang and snapped me out of my deep thoughts. It was Garrett calling to tell me that he was home safe. I was elated that he called. In the back of my mind, I wondered if my mother and I had scared him off. He told me he was exhausted from the day and would give me a call tomorrow. I began to worry I would never hear from him again. My freaking mother and her big mouth. I lay in bed tossing and turning until I fell asleep from complete exhaustion.
The next morning the sun was shining through my window, and it was blinding me. As I rolled over onto my stomach to block the sun from my eyes, I felt a warm body next to me. At first, shear panic ran through me. Oh my God, what did I do? It certainly wouldn’t be the first time I didn’t remember bringing a guy home. I cringed at that thought.
As I slowly opened my eyes I heard, “Hey, Babe.”
“Garrett?” I asked confused. “What are you doing here?”
He rolled over to face me. “After we hung up I tried to fall asleep and all I could think about was you. When 4:00 a.m. rolled around and you were still on my mind I jumped back in my car and came back. I needed to feel you next to me.”
A smile grew across my face. “I couldn’t get you out of my mind either,” I whispered. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
I snuggled my body up against his and closed my eyes again. I felt him wrap his arms around me as I tried to move closer into him. In his arms I felt so safe, and I never wanted this moment to end.
Chapter Thirteen
Since Garrett lived forty-five minutes away and his job sometimes required him to travel out of town and to work long hours, we only saw each other on weekends. Even though we spoke on the phone every night, I couldn’t help but feel he was going to leave me again. Even though he told me over and over that he loved me, my insecurities were getting the best of me. My insomnia had come back, and I couldn’t help but blame myself for what happened to Garrett. The guilt of his accident weighed heavily on my mind. Most nights I would lie in bed staring at the ceiling. My thoughts always went back to if I didn’t have the abortion, Garrett would have never joined the Marines, and he wouldn’t have gotten hurt.
This was the new topic Helen and I had been discussing since Garrett and I got back together. It had taken up several of my sessions now, and Helen was really encouraging me to bring Garrett to one of my sessions. She felt that if we both dealt with it, it would help both of us with our relationship. She had told me on numerous occasions that if we ever wanted to further our relationship, we needed to deal with it. I was still unsure if I was ready to bring Garrett in on all my dysfunctional ways.
On the weekends I wasn’t photographing weddings, we would take turns staying at each other’s place, but he usually stayed at my place because of Molly. Sometimes he would even surprise me and be waiting for me when I came home from a wedding.
I came home after a wedding one night, it was late and after midnight. As soon as I walked in the door, I smelled the scent of pine. As I stepped into the living room, the entire room was lit by a beautiful Christmas tree with presents underneath it. I looked over to the couch. Garrett and Molly were fast asleep.
I quietly crept over to him and kissed the top of his head. He woke. “Hey, Babe,” he said sleepily. “How was work?”
“It was work. . . What have you and Molly been doing? What is all this?” I asked directing my attention over at the tree. .
“It’s our first Christmas tree,” he said sleepily as he sat up.
I crawled on top of him, straddling him. “You two have been very busy,” I whispered in his ear nibbling on it.
“Ah . . . I love it when you do that,” he gasped.
He wrapped his arms around me and unhooked my bra. I rested my body up against his bare chest, his warmth was so comforting.
I moved my mouth to his and gently ran the tip of my tongue along his bottom lip and bit it softly. Pulling my shirt over my head and removing my bra, he leaned down towards my breasts slowly teasing one nipple then the other. His body looked so beautiful with the lights from the Christmas tree on him.
I stood up slowly, grabbing him by his belt loops and pulling him to stand. I unbuttoned his jeans and removed them and his boxers. He unfastened my pants and pushed them down. I stepped out of my pants and pushed him onto the couch. I sat with my back to his chest and guided him into me. Sitting on top of him with my hands on his thighs, I moved my hips in a circular motion. He began pinching and pulling my nipples.
“Yeah, Babe like that. . .” His breath was staggered and his face buried in my hair. I began to move faster and the circles became smaller.
Grabbing my hips, he pushed me off of him and led me to the side of the couch. Bending me over the arm, he guided his cock into my pussy and thrust inside of me.
“Uuuuhhh.” I gasped. Moving his hand from my hip, I guided him in between my legs to my clit. He gently rubbed my clit. “Make me come, Baby,” I exhaled.
“Oh,” he moaned. “I’m so close.”
I began thrusting my hips against his hips–– I so badly wanted him to come. He moaned loudly again and gripped his fingers into my hips. I felt his orgasm explode inside of me. Once I felt him, I let go. I put my head down on the couch and his body fell on top of me. My body quivered from the aftershocks.
“I take it you like the tree.” He laughed.
“I love it.”
We crawled into bed and snuggled. I loved feeling him next to me. We were laying in the dark, but I could see the glow of the Christmas tree from the living room.
“So, what are your plans for Christmas and New Year’s Eve?” I asked.
“Ummm . . . I hadn’t really thought about it,” he said. “I will probably stop by my parent’s at some point on Christmas. I figured you would be working on New Year’s Eve?”
“I am working on New Year’s Eve but only until ten. So you can come by and hang out at Danny’s while I work or you could hang out here. I want to see you on Christmas too.”
“I want to see you too, Babe, but I’m not ready for another confrontation with your mother.”
“Why don’t you spend the night here on Christmas Eve? We can spend Christmas morning together. I can make us a nice breakfast, eggs, bacon, sausage and pancakes. Then we can go our separate ways for the day and meet back either here or at your pl
ace?”
“Sounds like a plan, Babe,” he said sleepily. He kissed me on top of my head and we fell asleep.
Chapter Fourteen
By the time Christmas morning arrived Garrett must have put twenty different gifts for me under our tree. I felt so overwhelmed by everything he’d done. He was now driving here almost every night of the week to spend the night. He said he didn’t like the fact that I lived over a bar. We had gone to the local hardware store and purchased a deadbolt for my door. He said any drunken asshole could find his way to my door. On weekdays, he would get up at the crack of dawn and drive to work. I could tell this routine was beginning to wear him down.
On Christmas morning, we slept in. I woke before he did, so I let him sleep. He looked so beautiful lying in my bed. I never wanted him to leave. I snuck out from under his arm and tiptoed to the kitchen. I wanted to make him a special breakfast. Money was tight for me, so I couldn’t spoil him the way he did me with gifts. I had borrowed a waffle iron from my mother to make us Belgian waffles with strawberries and whipped cream. I also bought eggnog flavored coffee for him because he was a coffee drinker unlike me. One of his gifts was a small coffee maker to leave here. He’d been going out every morning and buying a coffee.
Once I had everything perfect, I quietly crept back into my room. Crawling back trying not to wake him I gently took his arm and wrapped it around me and pressed up against his bare chest. His regular body temperature must run five degrees warmer than a normal human. He was always so warm, and I loved it. I was usually freezing. He began to stir.
“Hey,” he said sleepily. “Merry Christmas, Babe.”
“Did I wake you?” I asked, softly caressing his face. “Go back to sleep.”
“Mmmm. . . What smells so good?” He asked.
“Oh, that is just a little something I whipped up for us,” I smiled.
“You cooked?” He asked shocked.
“Ha ha ha . . . Very funny. Yes, I cooked. I never said I couldn’t cook. I said I didn’t like to cook, there’s a difference.” I sat up. “Are you hungry? You want to eat?”
