by Vi Keeland
“I love you too. I’ll text you when I’m on my way home. Have a drink ready for me. I am going to need it,” I said smiling at him.
My stomach was in knots the entire drive over, and I was beginning to feel nauseous. As I drove, I felt myself gripping the steering wheel. I lightened my grip and took a deep cleansing breath like Helen had taught me. She had instructed me to do this when I got stressed. I had a bad habit of keeping everything bottled up inside. Helen said I was a ticking time bomb and she couldn’t believe I hadn’t exploded already.
I took another breath to relax myself. I think I could’ve taken fifty breaths and nothing would have helped. I knew this was not going to go well, my mother and I were too much alike, both of us very headstrong independent women. There were several times I considered turning around and going back to my apartment. Garrett and I could just elope. Once we were married my mother would have no say in the matter. I began rehearsing in my head exactly what I was going to say to her.
I pulled into my mother’s driveway about fifteen minutes later. The whole place was lit up. Jesus, she’s keeping the electric company in business all by herself. I sat in my car for a few minutes to gather my thoughts and build my confidence to face my mother.
“Mom!” I yelled as I walked through the front door.
“I’m in the den.”
I made my way down the hallway, through the kitchen and into the den. She was sitting in her recliner watching Entertainment Tonight or as she called it her Smut Shows.
“Hey, Mom. What’s up in the world of entertainment?”
“Oh, the same old news, a young pop star is hooked on drugs. An older actress caught her younger husband cheating. Same news, different day it seems.”
I made my way to the couch that was to the left of where she was sitting. “So, Mom, I have some news. . .” I said nervously, twisting my engagement ring around my finger.
“Oh you do?” She said, giving me a suspicious look.
I took a deep breath and blurted it out, “Garrett, asked me to marry him, and I said, yes.” I felt like I was ripping off a Band-Aid, if I did it quickly it would hurt less.
She looked at me in complete shock.
“And there is more. We are moving to Hawaii.”
“Excuse, me?” She snapped. “I don’t think I heard you correctly.”
I instantly went on the defensive. I knew this was going to be a fight, and I was more than ready to take her on. “Oh, you heard me correctly. I am marrying Garrett and we’re moving to Hawaii. I am doing this with or without you. I love him. I know you don’t understand and you don’t have to understand, this is my life.”
“You really think this is a good idea? After what he did the last time?” She asked raising her voice.
“Mom, you don’t even know what happened last time.”
“I don’t need to know what happened because I saw the aftermath. You locked yourself in your bedroom for three goddamn months, Leila!” I cringed at her words, and my mind wandered to the night my downward spiral began.
Garrett had become more and more distant. I was doing everything in my power to cheer him up. I planned picnics in the park, surprised him with cooking him dinner. I even offered to go see a Drop Kick Murphy’s concert with him. Nothing would bring him back to me.
All he wanted to do was sit in his room and smoke cigarettes. I would go over and make excuses to his mother for his behavior telling her he was having a tough day at work or that we had gotten into an argument. But he slowly closed himself off from everyone, especially me. If he wasn’t sitting in his room, he was out drinking with his friends. He made every excuse in the book not to see me, and I was dying inside.
I stopped by his house one night after my babysitting job. I hadn’t told him I was coming because I knew he would make an excuse for me not to come over. But, I needed to see him. As I walked into his room, he was lying on his bed with his eyes closed, a cigarette in his mouth and ear buds in his ears. His face was red and his eyes were puffy as if he’d been crying. I took his hand and sat on the bed next to him. As I looked at him, I noticed his lip was split and his knuckles were all cut up.
He jumped a mile. “Jesus, you don’t knock,” he snapped as he wiped his cheek. I could smell alcohol on his breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think I had to,” I said softly.
“Well, that would be the polite thing for you to do. What if I wasn’t alone?” He said coldly.
“What is that supposed to mean?” A sick feeling began to fall over me. “What happened to your lip and hands?”
“Nothing, I got into a fight,” he mumbled as he quickly jerked his hand from mine.
“A fight? You got in a fight?” I said raising my voice.
“Yeah, I got in a fight,” he said as he sat up abruptly. “Why are you here?”
“I missed you,” I said sadly.
“You shouldn’t be here. I’m not in the mood.”
I hung my head. “Are you ever going to forgive me? I’m sorry.”
“Save it! I don’t want to hear it. You should have thought about that when you snuck behind my back and killed our baby,” he snapped.
His words felt like a punch in the stomach. I almost wished he would just hit me. At least, the pain would eventually go away. His words hurt so much more. He was angry and resentful for what I’d done. Nicole had taken me to the clinic and I’d gone behind his back. He didn’t understand that a baby would ruin my chances of going to college. It was so important to me and to my mom. I would be the first member of my family to attend college.
I began to cry, “Garrett, please.”
“You don’t get to cry! You made your choice!” He yelled.
Then he went crazy. He began punching the walls, he threw our pictures that were on his dresser on the floor and stomped on them. “This is us, Leila! We are broken, we can’t be fixed.”
I was terrified. I had never seen him this angry before. His words were so full of hate. I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks.
He fell to the floor sobbing. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t look at you without hating you. This is killing me. I love you, but I can’t pretend I’m okay. . . That we are okay.” He was shaking.
I tried to console him, but he pushed me away. “Leila . . . It’s over. We’re over. You need to leave.”
The memory made me shudder. I was so deep in thought I hadn’t even realized my mother was now sitting next to me. Her hand on my shoulder snapped me out of my memory.
“Leila, you okay?”
Sadness ran through me, and I shrugged her hand off my shoulder. “Mom, there is something I need to tell you. Something I should have told you a long time ago.” I hung my head in shame.
“What is it? You are scaring me,” my mother whispered.
As I took a huge deep breath and exhaled, “There really is no easy way to say this. Please let me tell you everything before you go flying off the handle.”
“Okay.”
“The reason Garrett left me was because I had an abortion.”
I clenched my eyes closed waiting for my mother’s reaction. There was nothing. I slowly opened my eyes to see her reaction, a look of pure shock appeared on her face.
“I couldn’t tell anyone . . . Least of all you. I didn’t want to disappoint you. You had such high hopes of me going to college. How could I throw our hopes and dreams away by having a baby,” my voice began to waver. I was staring at my feet, when I felt my mother take my hand in hers. I lifted my head to look at her.
“Keep going,” she said in a very soft and gentle tone.
“Nicole took me to a clinic. Garrett had no idea I was going. I lied to him and told him I was sick with the flu. I knew if I told him, he would try to talk me out of it. He wanted me to keep the baby.”
I took another deep breath and exhaled. “Every day I spoke to him. I felt so guilty for what I had done. It was eating away at me. When I finally confessed to him what I had done he went crazy. I tried to expl
ain to him about college, but he didn’t understand.” I felt a tear roll down my cheek, and I tried to blink back the rest of the tears that were pooling in my eyes.
My mother squeezed my hand tightly. “Leila… I wish you would have told me. We could have sat down and figured something out. I can’t believe you didn’t come to me. Just thinking of you going through that all alone and carrying around this guilt, it breaks my heart. No wonder you locked yourself in your room.”
I saw a single tear run down my mother’s cheek.
“Please, don’t cry, Mom. I have been working through my guilt with Helen. I now have a chance to right my wrongs. Please, give me your blessing to marry, Garrett. I love him and he loves me. I feel like we are getting a second chance. Please. . .” I paused for a moment. “I want you to walk me down the aisle,” I pleadeed. “You don’t have to give me an answer right now, think about it,” I said as I got up from the couch. “I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.”
As I drove home, my mind was racing with memories from that night. I couldn’t shake his words from my head. I knew deep down inside we needed to deal with this before we got married. This was not something we could ignore.
As I walked through the door to my apartment, I threw my purse and keys on the kitchen counter.
“Garrett?” I yelled.
“I’m in the bedroom.”
I walked through my bedroom door and he jumped from the bed. He could see I was visibly shaken. “What’s wrong? It went that bad?” He asked.
“Well, it could’ve gone worse. I told her . . . Everything,” I half smiled. “But, we really need to talk.”
“What’s the matter, Babe? You look upset,” he said, worried.
“I’m just . . . My mother brought up everything that happened between us. It stirred up memories from the night you ended things.” I held his hands tightly. “I need to know you are now ok with my decision and you’re not trying to patch some hole in your heart. I don’t want you to wake up and resent me ten years down the road.”
“I’m sorry for everything I said and did that day. I handled it horribly. Believe me, Babe. If I could take it all back I would. I now understand why you did what you did. Though, I wish you would have told me.” He hugged me tightly like he was never going to let me go. “I love you, I’ve always loved you.”
“I love you too, but I feel like we need to move on from this. I want you to come see Helen with me. She really has helped me these last few months.”
He rested his forehead against mine, gently kissing my lips. “I will do anything you want me to do, anything.
Chapter Seventeen
I placed a call to Helen on Monday morning explaining everything that had happened over the weekend. She was thrilled I had finally told my mother about the abortion and was very enthusiastic about including Garrett in our next session. She did need to move my appointment time to accommodate Garrett’s schedule, but we were all set to meet on Thursday.
The week seemed to drag by, and I was becoming nervous about Garrett actually attending the session. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen or how he was going to feel about Helen. Helen can be very blunt at times, and she doesn’t hold anything back, which is one of the reasons why I really like her. I really needed someone to be direct and honest with me.
Garrett showed up at my place around 4:30, and we headed to Helen’s. Neither of us said much on the ride there. I was beginning to feel a bit nauseous. I took a deep breath and gently took Garrett’s hand. I quickly glanced over to him and gave him a nervous smile.
“You okay, Babe,” he said.
“Yah, I’m fine just a little nervous for you to meet Helen.”
“Why?”
“I’m really not sure. I guess because Helen has been my safe haven for the last few months, and I can pretty much say anything and everything without being judged. This is the first time someone else will be in our session.”
He squeezed my hand tightly. “Babe, you can say anything in front of me. I can handle it.”
Even though he said this to me, I was still unsure. We had never really talked about the abortion. I know how much I had hurt him, and I needed to know he had forgiven me, so we could move forward.
Helen greeted us as we walked into the reception area of her office. “Hello, Garrett. I’m Helen. I’m very happy to meet you,” she said extending her hand to him.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Helen. Leila has told me a lot about you.”
“All good things I hope,” she said with a smile. “Why don’t the two of you come into my office and have a seat.” She stood at the door directing us to enter into her office.
I lead the way with Garrett following behind me. I sat in my usual spot patting the cushion next to me for Garrett to sit. Once we were both sitting Garrett took my hand and squeezed it.
“I don’t know why you are so nervous,” he said quietly.
I gave him an uneasy smile and looked at Helen.
“So,” Helen said as she sat in the chair directly across from us. “I would like to know from both of you what you would like to accomplish in this meeting.”
I looked nervously at Garrett trying to read him. He didn’t seem to be phased at all.
“Leila, let’s start with you first since you know exactly how this works.”
“Well, like I told you on the phone I really would like to talk about what happened between us four years ago. Neither of us has honestly discussed it.” My stomach began to turn as the words left my mouth. I wasn’t really sure I was going to be able to handle discussing this in front of Garrett. I had just gotten used to telling Helen all of my deep dark secrets. “And you Garrett?” Helen asked.
“I agree with Leila, I think we need to clear the air. She’s worried that I haven’t forgiven her for what she did and she blames herself for my accident.”
I winced at his words. They felt like a slap across the face. The way he said what she did. Helen seemed to notice the expression on my face and how I began to nervously bite my fingernails. “Leila? Are you okay?”
Garrett quickly turned his attention to me. “What’s the matter, Babe?”
Shaking my head I lowered it in shame. “I’m not sure this was a good idea.”
“Leila, I need to be completely honest with you, if you two are truly going to have a successful marriage you need to work through this. This is not something you can just brush under the rug. You each need to listen to one another and truly try to understand how each of you were feeling at the time.” Helen paused briefly looking at both of us. “I’m not going to lie, this is not going be easy, but if you can work through it, you two will be able to get through anything.”
I felt Garrett give my hand a little squeeze and he lowered his head to my ear. “Babe, it’s okay, we are going to get through this together. I promise. You remember what I told you the other day? I meant what I said.”
I truly wanted to believe him, but there was still doubt in the back of my mind. He had left me before. Even though he vows he won’t do it again, I still can’t shake the feeling he will.
“So. . . Who would like to go first?” Helen asked.
Garrett and I sat there silent.
“Well, someone is going to need to talk or this is a complete waste of your time,” Helen said in an annoyed tone. “Would you like me to ask you questions or would you like to just talk?”
I looked at Garrett and then at Helen. “Questions.”
“Questions are fine with me too,” Garrett replied.
“Okay, so let’s get this started. My first question to both of you is if you could do everything all over again would you? Leila, why don’t you start?”
I could feel my palms begin to sweat. I let go of Garrett’s hand and wiped it on my jeans. “Yes, I would.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Garrett run his hands over his head. This was a sign of nerves and aggravation. I was just unsure of what he was feeling.
“Would you like
to expand on your answer?” Helen asked.
“I think both of you know how I feel about this. We were too young to have a baby. We had our whole lives ahead of us and a baby would have destroyed that. Did I go about it the wrong way? Absolutely, but nothing I say or do can change that now.”
The three of us sat in silence for about a minute. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Garrett, I was afraid to see the look of disappointment in his eyes.
“Garrett? How do you feel about what Leila just said?”
Garrett cleared his throat and shifted his weight away from me. “I’m not going to lie, Helen, it hurts to hear her say that. I was hoping that she would have more remorse.”
I closed my eyes, hoping this was all a bad dream. I could tell by the tone in his voice, he was angry with me.
I interrupted him, “Garrett, I’m sorry how I handled things. I know I should have told you. I felt like if I told you, you would have tried to talk me out of it.” I shifted myself on the couch turning my body towards his. “Do you honestly think it was an easy decision for me to make? I’ve had to live with my decision every day of my life for four years.”
“No, I don’t think it was an easy decision, but I don’t think you should have made my decision for me. I feel like I should have had a choice in the matter. We certainly made that baby together.”
His words stung, and I was ready to jump up and run out of here. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I knew it was going to hurt. What if he actually listened to what he was saying and realized that he didn’t forgive me.
“I need some water,” I said abruptly. I stood up to walk to the water cooler that was sitting in the corner of Helen’s office.
“Garrett?” Helen asked.
I stood with my back to Garrett and Helen waiting for his response. There was a pause before he responded.
“Yes, I regret everything I did and said,” he said remorsefully.
I looked over my shoulder looking in his direction.
Turning in my direction, he said softly, “I shouldn’t have made you feel guilty for your decision. I know that now. But I have to say it still hurts.” He paused for a moment. “That first year was really hard on me. I would see couples with a baby, and my heart would break. I couldn’t help but think that could’ve been our baby.”
