Spiraling

by H. Karhoff

  “Hey,” she said as she sat down just outside the stall.

  “Hey.” I sniffled.

  “It’s going to be okay, Tori.”

  She reached under the divider and took my hand. I leaned against the pink metal wall between us, sobbing. My chest hurt so bad that I could barely breathe. Before that moment, I didn’t know anything could be that painful. It felt like a part of me had been ripped out.

  When I got home, I went straight to my room, curled up in my blankets, and cried until I was too exhausted to cry anymore. Chris knocked on my door to tell me dinner was done, but I ignored him. I didn’t feel like listening to him gloat that he’d known Devon was a jerk all along. I just wanted to fade into my mattress and forget about the world.

  The weekend was like one long, horrible day. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I kept the phone in my room, hoping Devon would call, but he never did. As I walked to school on Monday, I had no idea where we stood.

  Entering the side hall, I hesitated before opening Devon’s locker. Most of my books were in my bag and my own locker had been fixed since we’d gotten back from Christmas break. If Devon and I weren’t together anymore, I doubted he’d want my stuff crowding up his locker. I took out the few books I’d left on Friday. Then I opened my own locker and put everything but what I needed for Spanish inside.

  Devon wasn’t at school that day or the rest of the week. I remained in limbo until he returned the following Thursday and walked into the side hall with Claire under his arm. She smiled snidely at me as they passed, making sure I was still watching before she kissed him.

  I dropped my eyes. Just seeing Devon with another girl had been enough to fill my eyes with tears. Watching her kiss him made it nearly impossible to hold them in. I struggled to keep it together long enough to get my books. Then I shut my locker quietly and hurried away. I didn’t have the strength to talk to Joy when she tried to get my attention, so I kept trudging down the hall. If I stopped, I was worried that I’d lose it.

  “You need to just forget about that loser,” Kennedy said. “It’s not like he was that great of a guy anyway.”

  “You didn’t know him,” I replied.

  “I know he’s a jerk.”

  I sighed. “He didn’t used to be.”

  In the three weeks since we’d broken up, Devon had been a different person. He skipped school more often than usual and, when he was there, he was rude to everyone. Except me, of course. He treated me like I was invisible. It was worse than if he’d have been mean. I would have preferred hatred to indifference. At least then he would have had some feeling toward me.

  “He’s always been a jerk,” Kennedy said. “You just didn’t see it before. What you need is a nice guy that doesn’t think he can walk all over you.”

  “Devon didn’t walk all over me,” I replied.

  “Yes, he did. You sat with his friends at lunch and only went out with his friends on the weekends. He never wanted to do anything with me and Jason or any of your other friends.”

  “That’s because he knows you don’t like him.”

  “Why would I? He’s a jerk that thinks he’s better than everyone when that’s about the farthest thing from the truth. He’s not even that good-looking.”

  “Says the girl that thinks Jason Rusamano is cute.” I scoffed.

  “Jason is cute. Maybe not cover of a magazine cute, but he does some really adorable stuff sometimes.”

  “Sure, if you think being incredibly annoying is adorable.”

  “I don’t think he’s annoying. I think he’s funny.”

  “All right, Kenn. So Jason is perfect and every guy I go out with is a loser. I get it.”

  “Not every guy,” she said. “Chad was nice. He’s still single if you want—”

  “No.”

  “Okay, so what about Andy or Josh or… Or Sammy? I heard Sammy Hawkins has a crush on you.”

  “That’s great, but I don’t really want another boyfriend.”

  “Sammy’s super cute.”

  “Seriously, Kenn. I don’t want another boyfriend.”

  “He’s going to be at the rec center tonight with everybody,” she said. “Jason and I were going to go. You should come along. Even if you don’t hit it off with Sammy at least it’ll get you out of the house for a while. You haven’t been out in weeks.”

  “I don’t want to get out of the house,” I replied. “I was kind of planning on going to bed early. I haven’t really been feeling well.”

  “That’s it.” She turned toward me. “You are coming with us. I’m tired of watching you mope around feeling sorry for yourself. No guy is worth turning into a zombie.”

  “You’d be doing the same thing if Jason broke up with you.”

  “No, I wouldn’t.” She shook her head. “I like Jason, but I’m not in love with him or anything. He’s just fun to hang out with.”

  “I am in love with Devon,” I replied. “He said he loved me, but…” I sniffled.

  “Guys say stuff like that. They know we like to hear it. That doesn’t make it true.”

  I looked at the ground and sighed. “It felt true.”

  “All right, no more talking about Devon,” she said. “As of now, he doesn’t exist. You’re going to go out tonight and you’re going to have fun and you’re not going to be zombie girl. You’re going to be fun, happy Tori.”

  “I’ll think about it.” I sighed, closing my locker and going to class.

  Carter sat down next to me in the biology lab. He’d been avoiding me like the plague since Devon dumped me, so I was surprised. I looked at him, wondering why he’d suddenly decided he could violate his self-imposed restraining order.

  “Hey,” he said. “How you doing?”

  “I’m wonderful. Can’t you tell?” I rolled my eyes at him.

  “How’s your algebra going?”

  “Failing again.”

  “That sucks.”

  “Yeah, I probably should have gotten another tutor.” I shrugged.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault I’m hopeless at math.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry about you and Dev. If I’d have realized it was going to go down like that, I wouldn’t have agreed to tutor you.”

  “What happened between Devon and I wasn’t your fault,” I said. “He’s the one that believed a stupid rumor and pretty much called me a cheating slut. Unless you’re a virologist and he’s a puppet, I don’t think you had anything to do with that.”

  “I’m not a ventriloquist, but I do know he didn’t mean what he said.”

  “Well, it’s too late now. He ruined everything.”

  “I think he knows that. He’s been a mess since you broke up.”

  “Really?” I turned in my chair to look directly at him. “Is that why he started going out with Claire the next day? Because he’s so upset?”

  “It wasn’t the next day,” Carter said. “And he’s not going out with her.”

  “That’s not what she says.”

  “If you ask Claire what color the sky is she’ll tell you it’s purple. She lies about everything.”

  “Don’t sit there and try to tell me he’s not with her, Carter. I’m not stupid. I know he’s going out with her and I don’t care. I’m done with him.”

  “You could at least talk to him.”

  “I don’t want to talk to him. He’s a lying jerk and he deserves whatever he gets. Now, leave me alone.”

  I grabbed my books and got up. Walking around Carter, I went to another table and plopped down next to Lindsey Washington. She glanced at me; I shot her a warning glare to indicate that I was not in the mood to chat. Talking to Carter had brought everything back to the surface. It was almost too much to keep pushed back.

  After class, I trudged to my locker like a hunchback in knee-deep mud. Kennedy and Jason were there, talking about the rec center. As I opened my locker, she pulled me into their conversation.


  “You’re going tonight, aren’t you?” she asked.

  “Yeah.” I nodded. She was right. I needed to stop moping around. Devon wasn’t.

  “It’s going to be so much fun.” She smiled.

  “Sure.”

  Recovering my social life wasn’t as easy as Kennedy made it sound. The sight of everyone else having a good time only made me feel worse. As much as I smiled and laughed, it was an act. All I wanted to do was cry. I felt empty inside. It took all my energy just to breathe. Once Kennedy finally left me alone, I sat in a corner, wishing I was anywhere else.

  When Sammy Hawkins came over and sat in the chair next to me, I was sure Kennedy had sent him. She’d been trying to get me to talk to him all night, but I didn’t like Sammy. There wasn’t anything wrong with him, I just didn’t find him all that attractive. He had a round, slightly chubby baby-face, brown eyes, and short, dark brown hair. Like most of the other preppy jocks, he wore khakis and Doc Marten boots. There were patches on the back and sleeves of his varsity letter jacket boasting all the championship games he’d played in and I was sure he had his share of trophies on display in his parents’ living room. He was the same as almost every other jock.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “I’m fine,” I answered, forcing a smile.

  “You don’t look fine. You look like you want to be here about as much as I do.”

  His admission surprised me. He seemed to be having a good time playing pool and joking around with his friends. I never would have guess he wasn’t.

  “To be honest, I didn’t really want to come,” I confessed. “Kennedy dragged me along.”

  “I’m glad she did,” he said. “This place would suck a lot more if you weren’t here.”

  I looked sideways at him. “Is that some kind of pick-up line?”

  “Only if it worked.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not really looking to get picked up.”

  “I’m crushed.” He put his hand to his chest and feigned injury.

  “I’m sure.” I rolled my eyes. “Listen, not to be rude, but I’m going to go.” I got up and walked to the payphone on the wall. Despite Kennedy’s attempts to reintegrate me into the popular crowd, I didn’t like those people. They were all facsimiles of each other. While I may not have cared much for Jake and Jeremiah, at least they were real people. I was surprised how much I missed hanging out with them.

  Twenty-Five

  I was elbow deep in dish water when the doorbell rang. It was two days into the worst spring break I’d ever had. Mom and James were fighting in their bedroom and I had no idea where Chris was, so I grabbed a dish towel and hurried to the front door. When I opened it, Devon stood on the other side, shivering in the cold wind.

  “Hey, Baby Doll,” he said softly, giving me the characteristic smirk that normally turned my knees into jelly. “Did you miss me?”

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, not the least bit entertained by his attempt at humor. “My parents are going to freak if they see you.”

  His smirk disappeared. He ran his fingers through his hair and shifted his weight from left to right and back again. “Yeah. I know, but I wanted to see you. I’ve been thinking—”

  “Does your girlfriend know you’re here?”

  He scrunched his brow. “Huh?”

  “Claire.”

  “She’s not my girlfriend.” He shook his head.

  “Maybe you should tell her that.”

  Looking toward the garage, he took a deep breath and pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket. “Do you think your parents will get too upset if I smoke?”

  Before I could respond, my little brother started crying. I turned around to see him stumbling into the front room. He rubbed his eyes. Then he looked around, spotting me at the door. “Tori?”

  “What’s wrong, Colt?” I asked.

  “I…I had a bad…a bad dream,” he answered.

  “Just a second, Bud.” I patted his head. Then I turned back to Devon. “Hang on a sec.”

  I left Devon standing on the porch and walked my little brother back to his room. Colt had nightmares a lot when Mom and James fought, so I knew how to get him back to sleep without much of a battle. I assured him that everything would be all right as I tucked him into bed. Then I turned on the radio to mask the sound of Mom and James screaming at each other. Candy stirred a little across the room, but didn’t wake up completely. Within a few minutes, they were both snoozing comfortably and I made my way back out to the front room. Devon was leaning against the porch rail chewing on his fingernails when I opened the door.

  “Did you get him back to sleep?” he asked, biting the side of his thumb.

  “Yeah.” I nodded. “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing. You don’t have any gum or anything, do you?”

  “I don’t think so. Do you need a cigarette that bad?”

  “No, no.” He shook his head a little too emphatically. “I’m okay.”

  “Are you sure? You look like you’re about to chew your fingers off.”

  “Oh.” He put his hand down and stood up straight.

  I studied him for a minute. He looked as if at any moment he would take off and run laps around the house. The last time I’d seen him that fidgety was when he’d run out of cigarettes, so I assumed he was having nicotine withdrawal.

  “If you want to smoke, its okay,” I said. “I don’t think my parents are going to come out and if they do, I think they'll be just as mad whether you’re smoking or not.”

  He took out his cigarettes and lit one. The tobacco seemed to steady his nerves and mine. Watching him fidget like a hyperactive two-year-old was about to drive me crazy. Staring at him, I thought about all the things I’d wanted to say. I was filled with anger and resentment. When we broke up, I felt the same way I had when my dad left. It was the worst pain I’d ever felt and I hated him for making me feel that way. Then he’d salted the wound with Claire. It hadn’t been enough that he’d torn my heart out, he had to put it through the garbage disposal.

  “Why are you here?” I asked.

  “I was going to ask if you wanted to do something tonight,” he answered.

  My brow furrowed. “Why? Is Claire busy?”

  “I don’t know what she’s doing. I don’t really care. I want to be with you.”

  “You kind of messed that up.”

  He looked down at the sidewalk and took a drag off his cigarette. “I know.”

  “Then why are you here?” I demanded. “Did you think I was just going to forget what you said and everything was going to be fine and dandy?”

  He raised his head. “Look, I’m sorry. What did you expect me to do? Your best friend told me you were screwing around.”

  I shook my head. “Kennedy would never say that, and even if she did, you didn’t have to believe her.”

  “How was I supposed to know she was lying?”

  “You could have asked me or Carter.”

  “In retrospect, I probably should have.”

  “Then why didn’t you?” I asked.

  “Because I was fucking pissed,” he answered. “Wouldn’t you be?”

  “I would have asked you if it was true first.”

  “Bullshit.” He scoffed. “You’re always bitching at me about something. I can’t fucking sneeze without you getting bent out of shape.”

  “That’s not true.” I shook my head.

  “The hell it’s not. We’re not even together and you’re pissed at me.”

  “Because you basically called me a cheating slut in front of half the school.”

  “Jesus Christ, Tori.” He raised his voice. “How many times do I have to tell you I’m sorry? I swear to God. You nag and nag about every little thing until I want to rip your goddamn head off. It’s fucking irritating.”

  “I don’t nag.”

  “You’re constantly on my ass to talk about my feelings and shit. I’m not a fucking girl. I’m not going to whine and cry be
cause I had a bad day and I damn sure don’t want to talk about it for three fucking hours.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that it was such a crime to care about what happens to you,” I retorted. “My mistake. I guess it’s a good thing for you that I don’t anymore.”

  “You don’t mean that,” he said.

  “Yes, I do. I’m done. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m cold and I’m tired and I’m done. Please, just go away and leave me alone.” I turned to go back in the house.

  “Dammit, Tori, why do you have to be such a pain in the ass?” He grabbed my arm, spun me back around, and kissed me. “I love you.”

  I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. “You can’t just say that every time you mess up and expect it to make everything better.”

  “That’s not why I said it.” He cupped my face in his palm. “I love you, Baby Doll.”

  I looked into his eyes. Despite the hell he’d put me through, I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to be held, to hear him tell me everything would be okay, and to know that somebody loved me.

  Muffled shouts rose behind me as James and Mom moved the fight from their bedroom to the front room. I glanced at the door before dropping my eyes to the welcome mat.

  Devon brushed the hair from my face. “Do you want to get out of here?”

  I nodded.

  Taking my hand, he led me diagonally across the yard to a grey truck parked in front of the neighbor’s house. When he opened the passenger side door, I hesitated. I knew I would be in serious trouble if James and my mom found out I left without permission.