‘I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out for the two of you.’
She rested her eyes on the distant mountains, trying to slow her breathing, stop her heart trying to take off out of her body.
He shook his head and reached his hands up to cup her face, turning it to his. ‘Actually, I just lied. I’m not sorry at all. I wanted it to be over between you and him. In fact, I never wanted it to have even started.’
She lifted her hands to his wrists and gently pulled them down. The time had come to step right forward to the edge, no matter what it cost her. ‘But why should you care so much?’
She saw him swallow then glance away from her and that alone told her his answer, whatever it was, would not be simple or painless for either of them. ‘I don’t want you to work things out with anyone but me, because the simple fact is I love you.’
Once upon a time, when she was young, when he had first walked out and for many months afterwards, she would have walked on hot coals to hear those words. She’d had given up everything she had—home, career, the future—to hear him say them. But now he was here, was saying them, she couldn’t quite believe it. Wasn’t convinced, not in the way she needed to be. With her whole heart and soul. It simply wasn’t enough.
‘Then why did you leave me in the first place?’ she said, tugging her hand away out of his. ‘Why did you ask me to marry you and then just disappear? Why didn’t you face me and tell me that you didn’t love me? At least I would have had an explanation, not been left waiting, in agony, wondering if you’d ever come back.’
There, it was out. She’d said it at last after eight years and now he couldn’t get away.
‘I did love you. I loved you very much and I did want to marry you. But I thought what I felt for someone else meant more.’
The sting of his words was sharp. Now she realized why she had never wanted to stir up the past. Because sometimes it was better not to know—not to hear the truth.
‘I know I’ve hurt you. I can see that I’m hurting you now,’ he went on. Her throat tightened. Just hearing him say it was twisting the knife. ‘I know I can never make up for that hurt, but you asked me to be honest and I’m going to be. It all started months before I even laid eyes on you. Months before the trek. I was in relationship with a girl, a long-term partner. She was—is—called Saskia and we lived together in London for a couple of years after I’d left university. Unfortunately, it didn’t last and we split up and went our separate ways.’
She put her hand to her mouth to stifle a sob, but he carried on, determination in his voice.
‘I’m not going to sugar the pill about the past. I’m not proud of anything I’ve done, but you have to believe me. I want you to be sure that what I feel for you now is absolutely the truth. I did care very much for Saskia, we had some great times together, but the relationship was over months before I met you. Nothing dramatic happened, neither of us cheated on the other or anything like that, we just…’ He swallowed hard. ‘Things just fizzled out, I guess, and we both agreed to end it. You have to trust me on. From then on, I vowed to get on and focus on my job and swore that absolutely no way would I get involved in another serious relationship…’
‘But you did!’ she cried. ‘You seduced me, you made me fall in love with you…’
‘And I shouldn’t have. I was the trek leader; you were in my care. Right from the start, when you stepped out of the airport terminal, I knew it was breaking all the rules. Do you know what you did to me? What you’re still doing to me? You only have to look at me, flick your hair, bite your lip like you’re doing right now…’ He shook his head, his eyes full of emotion. ‘You only have to exist to make want to kiss you, do the most inappropriate things a boss can do and, even back then, you were so feisty and fresh and, to be honest,’ he said, with a smile that made her stomach flip, ‘so bloody naïve you had me on my knees.’
‘I wasn’t naïve,’ she protested. ‘Or perhaps I was, to fall in love with you.’
He nodded. ‘Maybe we were both as green as grass, but let’s cut ourselves some slack now, shall we? All I know is I had never been so strung up on anyone like you. Honey, you turned my life upside down and I found myself proposing at twenty-six, with a job that took me God-knows-where and you only nineteen with your entire life in front of you. It was completely reckless of me and I still don’t know how I had the nerve, but I did it anyway. I meant it.’
‘We both did. I bought into the dream too, so why did you just walk away? Did you just get scared of the responsibility? If you did, for God’s sake why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I couldn’t face seeing how I must have hurt you.’ He shook his head. ‘No, it was more selfish than that. I couldn’t face the guilt. I chickened out.’
‘But you hurt me far more by saying nothing. If you’d got cold feet, why didn’t you at least see me again?’
‘That’s something I’ll never forgive myself for. At the time, I convinced myself it was better not to see you. I gave myself a hundred reasons why I shouldn’t face you. I know now, I have done for a long time, I think, that I should have stayed and tried to explain why I had to walk away.’
‘Oh, Jack. I so wish you had told me, whatever the reason. If I could have had an explanation. A reason. Even if you had got cold feet…’ she stopped, still feeling the pain now. As keen and sharp as ever.
‘I didn’t get cold feet,’ he said gently. ‘Beth, you couldn’t have it more wrong.’
‘How could I have what happened, wrong?’ she cried, not caring who heard.
‘The day I got back I’d barely had time for a shower when the doorbell rang. I was planning on coming up here to find you that night. Instead I found Saskia on the doorstep with a baby. She said that he—Calum—was mine and I believed her. His age, the dates, added up. Her parents had emigrated, she couldn’t get a job, she said she had my son, so I married her.’
She let out a big sob and covered her mouth with her hand. She tried not to, but she couldn’t help it and immediately she found his arm around her.
‘I’m sorry, Beth. I really am, but I thought that the three of us could make a life together and that sharing our love for Calum would replace our own. I’m sorry if that hurts you, but Saskia and I, we’d had something once. Not the thunderbolt city stuff that happened to me when I was with you, but I convinced myself we could make a go if it. But it wasn’t…’ he paused.
‘Enough?’ she said, her thoughts turning to Marcus.
‘What about your…’ she was finding it too difficult to say ‘wife’ and ‘son.’ ‘What about Saskia and Calum now? Do you still see them?’
A shadow crossed his face. ‘We split up after eighteen months, then she moved to live with her parents in Australia. Our divorce finally came though a few months ago. Just before we went to Corsica, in fact. But it was just a piece of paper; everything was over between us years ago. We should have dealt with it as soon as we split up, but with us both living abroad, it wasn’t easy. Now it’s all over finally.’
‘But what about Calum? You must miss him so much. He’s your son; Saskia must let you see him—you must have rights.’
‘I’ve no doubt she would let me visit, but she doesn’t have to. I had a photo last year and he’s a lovely little boy.’ His jaw tightened. ‘I knew in my heart that Saskia and I couldn’t last, but being a father was more amazing than I could have imagined and because I loved Calum—still love him dearly—I’ve let him be. Saskia has a new partner now, Calum has a new dad and—’ He stopped mid-sentence and drew in a deep breath. ‘Beth, you need to understand. Calum isn’t my son. That’s why Saskia had every right to take him. The truth came out the day she packed her bags and left.’
Her head and heart were swirling. Jack had lost everything—Saskia, Calum, her. She noticed he was crushing a piece of heather nervously between his thumb and forefinger. Her eyes were fixed on the tiny, delicate petals crumbling and falling to the earth.
‘Was she deliberately deceiving
you about being his father?’ she asked.
He shook his head. ‘I’ve tormented myself about that a thousand times. I never had the courage to ask her and I still don’t honestly know. She might have, but I doubt it somehow. Maybe she found out when Calum had to have some tests for a minor op. Perhaps she had her suspicions from the start but was too scared to admit them to herself. It doesn’t matter now. By then, things were going downhill fast in our relationship and we had an almighty row. The truth came out, I guess I went over the top, she packed her bags and left.’
It took her a moment to answer. She felt like she’d been on an emotional roller coaster ride over the past few months and even now was still being cranked up to the highest point, still not sure if she’d be brought plunging down to the ground again. Her voice, when she found it, sounded small and quiet. ‘Why didn’t you tell me this before?’
‘Would you have accepted what I’d told you then, when you were raw and nineteen? No, that’s not fair of me,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘It was me that was raw. I must have been in shock. I didn’t know how to handle what had happened. I had a new life with a partner, a child to support and care for. Once I’d made that decision, I convinced myself there was no going back.’
‘But, Jack,’ she said desperately, ‘if you had told me about Saskia, I’d have still fallen apart. I’d still have hated you. But at least I wouldn’t have been left in agony of waiting and hoping. It nearly finished me.’
He let out a groan. ‘Christ, I’m so sorry. No wonder you were so hurt and angry when you took the job.’
‘I wanted to make sure we could never resume a relationship again. I wanted to make sure you could never hurt me like that again.’
‘I don’t blame you, and to be honest, honey, I think I’d guessed your feelings for Marcus weren’t all that they should be after we had dinner together that night in Corsica. But I wasn’t sure and that’s why I didn’t let our kiss in your room go any further. Then Camilla turned up and…’
She put her face in her hands.
‘That complicated things and I knew you didn’t trust me, but I’m a persistent bugger, these days, Beth. I’ve finally learned to say how I feel, even when it’s going to be painful and difficult. By the time we’d made love, I’d made up my mind to tell you the whole story, the whole truth about Saskia and Camilla, but in the morning you got that phone call from home.’ He tossed what remained of the heather onto the ground. She glanced up, thought she saw his fingers were not quite steady. ‘You shut down on me and I didn’t know why. I still don’t, not properly.’
‘It wasn’t anything to do with you,’ said Beth.
‘But you couldn’t trust me enough to share it.’
‘You were—are my boss, Jack. Don’t forget that, because it changes things. And besides, I’d made a promise to someone very close to me. You’ll have to trust me on that,’ she said firmly.
He nodded and sat for a few seconds, his eyes fixed on the ground.
‘I could ask you to marry me again,’ he said, quietly. ‘But I won’t do that because what you need now is time and space.’
Time and space? She wanted to cry. She’d had nine years of that.
‘Even if did ask you, I’m not sure you could trust me right now. But please we can start afresh from this moment? I’ll have to understand if you can’t ever trust me again but I’d really like to try and make…’ he went on, his words tumbling over each other.
Carefully, she pulled the shreds of heather from his fingers. ‘Jack. Please. Shut up.’
She got to her knees, placed both hands above his elbows, and pushed him down onto the soft heather. He gazed up at her from eyes that were hopeful and unsure, just as they ought to be.
‘Close your eyes,’ she ordered. ‘Then raise your arms above your head and open your mouth.’
Straddling him, she pinioned his wrists against the ground and lowered her lips to his. His unshaven chin rasped against her face, as her tongue slid inside his mouth. For a while, he lay meekly enough, letting her tongue explore his mouth. Then he broke her hold, reached up, and tangled her hair in his hands. His other arm snaked around her body and he pulled her hard against him until she could barely breathe. Her last thought, as she kissed him back, as hard as she could, was that it was a wonderful way to go.
***
‘What else did my dad say when you turned up?’ she asked some time later as they walked hand in hand off the fell side.
‘Quite a lot, actually.’
He had his palm cradled around one cheek of her jeans when an elderly neighbor saw them and shook her head disapprovingly. ‘You’re scandalizing Mrs. Holdsworth,’ Beth said with a smile.
He squeezed her bottom and grinned. ‘I bloody hope so. And no wonder. Your jeans need zipping up properly.’
‘Oh hell, I didn’t think Mrs. Holdsworth’s eyesight was that good.’
His hand was there, already pulling up the zip, ignoring the neighbor.
‘What about Dad?’ she asked again.
‘Well, after he’d checked my credentials—for which I had to produce my business card and undergo the third degree,’ he said ruefully, drawing another laugh from Beth. ‘He said I must think a lot of you to come all this way from London.’
‘And what did you say?’
‘I told him I did think a lot of you. I told him I loved you.’
‘Oh…’
‘And your sister heard me too, judging by the shriek.’
She felt as if she could float above the hills right now. ‘You do know I’ll never live this down with Lou. What exactly did he say to that?’
‘He seemed a bit suspicious of my motives.’
‘That sounds like him.’
‘And then he told me that he’d kill me if I hurt his “lass.”’
‘Jack! Be serious. He did not say any of that.’
‘I believe the “lass” word was used, but he might have been winding me up. Beth, do people really use that kind of word up here?’
She giggled. ‘Only on the telly.’
Then she made him kiss her—actually it was a full-on, bum-groping snog—in full view of Mrs. Holdsworth’s twitching curtains. Soon after, they were standing by Jack’s sleek car. Beth she ran her hand over the bonnet and shook her head. ‘This is yours, I presume.’
‘A boy’s toy. Indulge me. It doesn’t get that many runs in London.’
He winked at her, then flipped a thumb in the direction of the house. ‘You know, you dad’s absolutely right. From a business point of view, it makes perfect sense to sell up this place and move to purpose-built premises. But if you’re that attached to it, hell I know I’m interfering again, but…’ He paused, seeming a little awkward, Beth thought. ‘I could buy this place if you wanted me to. Marcus Frayle isn’t the only guy with money to invest. I could wave my magic wand if you say the word.’
Beth felt deeply touched and hugged him. ‘Jack, I love you and I appreciate the offer, but you don’t have to play fairy godmother, so put your wand and your wallet away. We’ll manage.’
Jack said no more. He might, he thought, put his wand away or he might wave it in a different direction. But for now, he decided, as he pushed open the side gate for her, he’d keep that part of the plan to himself.
Chapter 28
One year later
‘So. What do you think?’
Beth blinked as she looked in the ornate mirror above the dressing table. Two faces peered back. One was hers and the other’s was Louisa’s. Her sister was standing behind her, eyeing her critically. She put up her hand to the fine chain around her neck. A tiny diamond heart nestled from the end of it and hung just above her cleavage.
‘It’s gorgeous,’ she said and Louisa’s face broke into a smile. ‘Perfect, in fact. Thank you, Lou-lou. Thank you so much.’
‘You look fabulous,’ said Louisa.
She allowed herself a moment longer to take in the face staring back at her from the glass. Her cheeks glowed ge
ntly with an iridescent sparkle. Her eyes seemed bigger somehow, and the smudge of eyeshadow somehow brought out the pale gold flecks in the grey. That’s what Louisa said, anyway.
She got up to find her sister flopped on the big antique bed. Louisa patted the cover. ‘Sit down for a minute. You look a bit jumpy.’
Feeling like a fragile but beautifully wrapped parcel, Beth found a space next to her among the cards and wrapping paper that littered the cover. She took a deep breath in. And out. And in. It was supposed to help when you were nervous, so Camilla had told her. Camilla, Beth decided, was wrong. Her stomach was still fluttering, her legs still felt a little shaky and she still couldn’t quite believe she was here.
‘Amazing here, isn’t it?’ said Louisa. ‘I never thought I’d get to Barbados.’
She allowed herself yet another glance at the pillows decorated with confetti and the champagne waiting in an ice bucket on the little table. A bouquet of stargazer lilies lay next to her on the white cover. She felt the warm breeze whisper across her skin and waft in the scent of hibiscus flowers.
‘Camilla said it came top in a survey of most romantic hotels on earth.’
Louisa let out a low whistle. ‘And the most expensive, I expect.’
‘I haven’t dared to ask. It was a wedding present from her and Olivier. They booked us into the honeymoon suite.’
‘I should order more champagne, then, if they’re picking up the bill,’ said Louisa, absentmindedly rifling through the cards and gifts. Beth smiled to herself. Louisa was gorgeous in her pale blue dress. She’d grown even taller and looked fit after her first term at drama school. Happy too, which Beth put down partly to her new boyfriend, a young actor who had ambitions of joining the RSC.
‘Nice gift,’ said Louisa, holding up a card with a honeymoon couple strolling along a beach.
‘It’s from Martha, Jack’s PA. She also gave us a voucher for a year’s supply of Green & Black’s chocolate.’
Wish You Were Here Page 19
