by Luna, David
Sebastian reached out and pulled the tags from inside his shirt, rubbing his thumb over them. “You couldn’t have known. It wasn’t your fault.”
Gideon nodded, knowing the truth of it, but not pardoning himself. He went on to explain that he’d left the military as soon as his time was up. Several months later he was approached by a three-lettered agency. They’d needed him to verify the intelligence they were given to ensure they were targeting the guilty parties. Once verified, he was sanctioned to take them out. They used his painful past to fuel his desire to lose himself in his anger, causing him to lose more and more of himself in the process.
He went on to explain seeing Boone at Custos and with his men’s deaths on his conscience he couldn’t let it go. He had to seek vengeance on the men responsible for the deaths of his men and likely so many others. He wasn’t about to gloss over the reality of what he’d done. If Sebastian was going to be with him, he needed to make an informed decision. He needed to see the reality of who Gideon was and admitted that he didn’t feel worthy of Sebastian. That working for the agency had siphoned off his humanity until he was a shell of the man he used to be.
“I’m done with that life. I don’t have it in me to do it anymore. I put off telling you everything, but I made a promise to myself we wouldn’t take any more big steps in our relationship until I shared my past with you. Unfortunately, Boone’s visit took that out of my hands and you found out in the worst possible way. I can’t apologize enough for that.” When he finally met Sebastian’s eyes, the sadness there pulled at his heart. Gideon considered himself lucky that his boy didn’t flinch away from him when he reached over to touch his face.
He took a leap of faith and put himself out there, one last time. “Sebastian, I know what I’ve done in my past isn’t forgivable. If I can’t forgive myself for the kind of man I am and the things I’ve done, I can hardly expect others to forgive me. And, I know that I’ll never be who or what you’d wish for yourself in a partner.”
His gut twisted but he continued, “I’m holding onto my humanity by the skin of my teeth and asking you to have faith in the fact that I have no reason to ever go back into that world ever again. I have everything I could ever need right here in front of me.”
He leaned forward when Sebastian looked down at his lap and shook his head, clasped his chin and tilted his head back up, looking him in the eyes. “I’m asking you for another chance. I know I don’t deserve a man like you, and I probably never will, but I have to believe that if I work at it, for the rest of my life, it might be enough to earn your love and eventually your respect again.”
When Gideon saw Sebastian shake his head and look away he started to worry that maybe his confidence from yesterday was naïve. Perhaps he should have waited to make that judgement until he’d explained everything, because looking at Sebastian now didn’t bring him any of that confidence. He rubbed his hands back and forth on his legs, wiping away the nervous sweat on his palms. Christ, he’d done a lot of things in his life that warranted fear and felt none, but sitting here looking at the man who meant most to him in the world and knowing he might lose him made him more scared than he’d ever been.
When Sebastian still didn’t say anything, Gideon finally asked, “Do you have any questions for me? Do you need some space, some time alone?”
Sebastian nodded and got to his feet, not meeting his gaze. He dug in his pocket for his keys. “Don’t go.” Gideon stayed his hand and then snatched it back, worried Sebastian wouldn’t want to feel his touch. He scrubbed his hands over his face. “Fuck. I’m not good at this. I just meant, you don’t have to go, but of course you can, if you need to. It’s just, I have plenty of work to do downstairs to keep me busy. If you decide you need more time than today, obviously, it’s all right if you need to leave. I’m not trying to rush you.”
Jesus, he was babbling, he realized, when Sebastian sat again and placed his fingers over his mouth. He closed his eyes at the feeling of his boy’s soft, warm skin against his lips. Those fingers brushing over his brow had him opening his eyes again and gazing down at Sebastian who said, “I’ll stay, for now. If I need more time, I’ll let you know.”
Gideon nodded and added, “Just text me if you’re leaving or if you have questions and want to talk and I can come back up to answer them. You can…” Gideon rubbed a hand over his mouth. “You can call Braden and talk to him. You can tell him anything I told you. Zavier, as well.”
When Sebastian nodded, Gideon made his escape, not wanting to say the wrong thing or scare him off even more. He did have a lot of work to do at the club, and some Custos files he could use to occupy himself. He wouldn’t return to his place until he heard from his boy. He didn’t want to seem like he was rushing him. He shut his mind off to everything but work and got busy.
SEBASTIAN WATCHED AS GIDEON MADE a quick exit. His heart tugged at the obvious distress he’d seen in his Dom. He’d wanted to reassure him. He’d wanted to say he didn’t need more time. He’d wanted to say Gideon should forgive himself and that he was forgiven. He’d wanted to say Gideon was worthy of his love. God dammit, he’d wanted to say so many things.
The pain on Gideon’s face, the shame and self-loathing was so clear Sebastian still felt the remnants of it in the room after he’d gone. It was a sticky, cloying, heavy thing and the fact that Gideon felt it for himself, so strongly it remained in the air after he left, nearly stole his breath. He didn’t know why he’d never seen it. How could he not have seen it?
He’d been blind.
Gideon had always been one to lift him up, tell him how wonderful he was, how beautiful. Assured him that he was enough, that he didn’t want Sebastian to change, that he was perfect exactly as is. And even after all that reassurance, Sebastian had always assumed Gideon hadn’t wanted something permanent with him because he was lacking, as a sub, as a man, he was somehow found wanting. It never occurred to him that Gideon was protecting Sebastian from himself. It never occurred to him that Gideon felt he was the one that was lacking.
His emotions were so close to the surface. He’d needed time. Not to figure out if he could forgive Gideon, not to figure out if he could look past Gideon’s violent history. More to figure out his own emotions about it, to sort out how he felt and be able to articulate it. He knew, deep down that he wanted a future with Gideon, regardless of what his Dom had done in the past. Perhaps because of it. No matter how bad that sounded, he knew that his past had shaped who he’d become and Sebastian loved Gideon, as is.
As much as he’d wanted to offer that reassurance, he couldn’t. Not yet. He didn’t want to jump into a conversation about forgiveness and their relationship until he figured out exactly what it was he wanted from it. He admitted to himself that he’d been a coward. That he’d known his feelings all along and had ignored them in fear. Fear of the possibility that he’d be rejected again.
He admitted to himself that he only thought Gideon would reject him again because somewhere deep down he felt he deserved that rejection, that he was lacking. Weren’t they a pair? Maybe they both needed to talk to Dr. Price. They were a mess. But regardless, he’d resolved to give himself time before they talked about forgiveness and a future. Time to sort out his feelings regarding his past. Time to sort out his feelings regarding Gideon’s past. And time to admit to himself what he wanted and stop prevaricating.
He needed to think and he smiled when he realized the best place for him to do that here was Gideon’s Jacuzzi-sized bathtub. He filled it up with his favorite bath salts and nearly scalding water. He turned on the jets and got in and promptly lost himself to his thoughts. And even when he had to let the water out and refill it to keep it hot enough, two times, his thoughts remained on everything he needed to sort out.
It was a couple hours later when he finally realized his fingers were so pruney he had to get out, even if he didn’t want to. He got dressed in some of his lounge pants and one of Gideon’s shirts, feeling better and more peaceful than he had i
n weeks. He’d thought a lot while he’d been bathing, but he hadn’t come to any conclusions and his thoughts were still jumbled. He thought it might help to talk to Braden, after all. He pulled out his phone and was about to make a call when his phone rang, jolting him.
“Hey, I was just going to call you.”
Braden chuckled. “You were?”
“Yeah. Did Gideon or Zavier put you up to this?”
“Put me up to what?”
“Calling me.”
“Uh, no. I hadn’t heard from you all week and wanted to check in, see how your last day went.”
“It went well. I’m at Gideon’s.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Have you guys talked?”
“Yes. He’s told me about his past. As much as he feels I need to know at least, or maybe rather what he’s able to tell me.”
“That’s the more realistic of the two. And, to be honest, he probably told you more than he should, but he knows he can trust you. That’s how it was with Z.”
Sebastian nodded. “Yeah, that’s probably true.”
“So, what are you doing now?”
“Thinking, thinking, and more thinking. He went downstairs when he realized I needed some time.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Sebastian sighed in relief, knowing that’s exactly what he needed. “Yeah. That would be great.”
“Give me twenty minutes and I’ll be there.”
“You don’t have to come over. We can chat on the phone.”
“Not for this kind of conversation. I’ll be there soon.”
He was there in twenty-five minutes, Thor making a beeline towards Lola as soon as Sebastian opened the stairwell door. They sat on the sofa in the same spot he’d sat with Gideon earlier. They talked for hours. He shared everything Gideon had told him and he shared a lot of things from his own past. He’d needed someone to talk to, a sounding board, and Braden turned out to be a great one.
When they wound down, Braden finally asked, “So, do you forgive him?”
Sebastian shrugged, looking down at his lap. “I don’t know that there’s anything to forgive.” He fidgeted with a cat toy he’d found on the floor and glanced back up. “I believe Gideon would have told me before we moved in together. What I don’t understand is his need for revenge. Why he couldn’t just leave things as is when he’d found out.”
Braden smiled at him. “Think about it from Gideon’s perspective. Think of the lives of men who’ve fought wars together, saved people’s lives together, saved each other’s lives. Think of them as a military brotherhood, a brotherhood that means just as much to him as his biological family, and every single one of those brothers’ lives was targeted, every single one snuffed out.”
Braden clasped his hands, stilling his fidgeting. “Think of what Gideon must’ve felt, talking to the parents of his dead team, the wives, the children. How much anger would that build when he found out why it was all done. He’d lost family because someone thought making money was more important than the lives of his men, his brothers. He’d been trained to protect at all costs. Trained to kill, yes, but only to protect those that needed protection. That was his reality. I’m not saying what he did was right, but that’s not for me to judge. That need to protect was ingrained in him so deeply it will probably never leave.”
Sebastian, thinking of it that way, realized Braden was right, that Gideon still lived that way. From the very beginning he’d known Gideon was fiercely protective. He’d opened his club and did everything in his power to protect and take care of the submissives there. He’d protected Sebastian from the first day they’d met and continued doing so throughout their contract. He’d moved mountains to help him through his surgery, not just emotionally. He’d used his lawyers, his own family, Finn’s expertise and his own money to protect him from something he had no control over. It must have killed him to not have that control.
It turned out, making his mind up about his feelings regarding Gideon’s past was the easy part. What was harder on him was deciding what he wanted from their relationship. Was his decision to move out the right one? Perhaps he’d made it in fear rather than the practicality he’d forced himself to believe he’d made it in. He chatted a little longer with Braden and then told his friend he wanted to think on it a bit.
He had to admit he was frustrated with himself. He’d thought that finally quitting the job he wasn’t passionate about and deciding to go out on his own full time, doing what he loved, would give him that sense of rightness he’d been reaching for. But it had merely highlighted what still wasn’t right. He’d given himself a taste of freedom and happiness, but only a taste.
He’d kept himself from admitting he’d only be completely happy, completely free from all restraints when he could finally let go of control completely. When he could finally trust himself with someone. No. Not someone. With Gideon. When he could finally entrust himself to Gideon.
He walked into their bedroom, and then paused his thoughts at that. Their bedroom. It was their bedroom. That felt right, obviously, if that’s how he thought of it subconsciously. He needed to stop second-guessing himself every goddamned second of every day. He glanced over at the sound of kitty mewling. He laughed at Slap and Tickle on their kitty condo, playing together.
That prompted him to look around, really check out his surroundings. There were pieces of him, everywhere. Cat dishes, dog dishes, toys for both. His favorite moisturizer was still on the dresser. Walking back into the living area he saw his yoga video was where he’d left it. He didn’t have to look to know his shows would still be recording and sitting on the DVR, waiting for him to watch them.
His throw blanket, because he was always cold, was still folded on the back of the sofa. One of his drawing notebooks and a box of charcoals was still on the end table. The slippers he’d realized he’d forgotten were where he’d left them, tucked under the coffee table. He walked to the kitchen and into the pantry. His favorite foods were there, some that hadn’t even been there when he’d left, foods he loved and Gideon didn’t were still in the fridge and freezer.
He knew his clothes would still be in the closet, his toothbrush, and other toiletries still in the shower or in the drawers. Hell, he only had to glance in the bedroom to see his favorite colored sheets that he’d purchased for their bed were there. They hadn’t been on the bed when he’d left. Approaching it, he ran his hand over the soft cotton and sat there.
Glancing over at the nightstand he couldn’t help but laugh when he saw the wind-up hopping penis toy he’d found one day in the nightstand drawer. One of Khaleo’s hidden penis party favors had finally made an appearance and he remembered laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe and then setting it on Gideon’s pillow until he found it later that day. They’d both had a laugh when Gideon growled, “Dammit, Khaleo!”
He realized everything was where it was supposed to be. He was where he was supposed to be, as well. He was home. His apartment was a pitstop, a place to sleep until he was home again. Why was he doing this to himself? He lay his head down on Gideon’s pillow, smelling his Dom. He gripped it in his arms, holding it close, rubbing his cheek on its softness. Why was he punishing them both by keeping them apart, when it wasn’t even what he truly wanted?
He was letting his fears get the better of him and he was suddenly ashamed of himself. He knew his moving out had hurt Gideon, deeply. He’d seen it on his face, though as always Gideon had protected him, he’d hidden his own hurt and given Sebastian the space he needed. Realizing that, he gave up his tight hold on his emotions and just let himself feel.
His heart broke for Gideon and the way he felt about himself. For himself for the same reasons. He felt cheated of their time together since he’d moved out and he grew angry for those eighteen goddamned days he’d let another kind of fear take over, and for the missed opportunities and his stubbornness. When all was said and done and the emotions battering him like a monsoon
had finally slowed to a stop, the headache he had and the exhaustion he felt dragged him into a deep sleep.
He was licked awake by Lola’s tongue and a bit of whining. He looked at the clock and bolted upright. Shit, shit, shit. Lola pranced to the door and back a couple times before he realized she was telling him she had to pee and was probably starving. Where was Gideon? The club was closed. It was the middle of the night. Did he really have that much work?
Fuck.
No, he didn’t have that much work. He wouldn’t come home until Sebastian called him and asked him to come back. Jesus. He got up, put on his slippers and took Lola out to do her business. He’d normally have let her out hours ago, down at the tiny park a couple streets down, but he was in a hurry and wasn’t about to walk that far in the dark with no shoes, even with a guard dog. No, he had to get to Gideon. So, he ignored his feelings of guilt as he let Lola pee and then, oh god, poop on the little square of dirt on the sidewalk, where a tree was planted.
He made a mental note to get a baggie in the morning and pick up the poop, as he key coded himself back into the stairwell and out the other side, into the hallway of the club. He refused to think about the last time he’d been in that hallway with Lola and walked quickly to Gideon’s office, his desk light the only thing lighting the way for him. He felt awful when he saw Gideon sprawled out on the sofa, a sofa that was much too short for his huge frame, his feet dangling off the edge of the sofa’s arm. His phone was resting on his stomach, his left arm thrown over his eyes to block out the light, his right one snuck into his unbuttoned pants and boxers.
Sebastian chuckled quietly and sat on the wooden coffee table in front of the couch. He slowly ran his fingers up and down Gideon’s arm, jolting his Dom awake. Bleary-eyed, Gideon looked over at him and Sebastian saw the sleepy smile slowly appear before he said, “Hey. Everything all right?”
“Yes, Sir. I’m so sorry. I fell asleep upstairs and slept for hours. I meant to call you earlier.”
