Jenna begins to cry softly. I don’t know what else to do but hold her, and let her. The sun goes down, and it grows dark, until the only light in the little room is the tiny lamp on the bedside table. Time passes, and I hear the brothers moving around in the other room. Finally, the front door closes for the final time. They’re gone, and we’re alone.
I must fall asleep, because when I wake up the three of us are still lying on the bed. Noah’s curled up into a little ball, his thumb having drifted into his mouth at some point. I stand and pick him up, then carry him to his room and tuck him in.
When I come back, Jenna’s awake. She gives me a small smile as I kick off my shoes and climb back into bed with her. “Hey, there,” I murmur, kissing her softly.
“How’s Noah?” she asks, glancing toward the door.
“He’s good. Out to the world.” I chuckle. “Oh, to be young again, and be able to sleep like that.”
“He really seemed to need you to comfort him,” she says slowly. There’s a strange expression on her face.
“Sometimes a boy needs a man to look up to, I guess. It must be rough on Noah sometimes, not having a dad.” I glance at her. “Not that you’re not doing a great job with him, Jenna. You’re a terrific mom.” I stop for a moment, considering my words. “Besides,” I continue. “Now that you’re my old lady, Noah’s my responsibility, too. We’re a family. Right?”
Jenna’s reaction isn’t at all what I’m expecting. Her lip trembles, and then suddenly she bursts into tears.
“Hey, hey!” I say, alarmed. I take her face in my hand and turn it to mine. “Jesus, Jenna, I’m sorry!” I guess the stress of the day must still have a hold on her. Not surprising; it’s not every day you have to kill a man in your own living room.
“No, no,” she sobs. “It’s… it’s not you…” She shakes her head furiously. “Cas, oh my God, I’m such a fool. I’m so sorry…”
“Jenna, calm down, baby. It’s okay,” I soothe. “Tell me what’s wrong.” There’s a strange germ of an idea forming in my head, but I force myself not to jump to conclusions. “Come on, Jen,” I urge her, pulling her back into my arms. “Talk.”
Finally, she manages to calm herself enough to speak. Jenna pulls herself upright and draws away from me, until she’s facing me and we’re no longer touching. She pulls her legs in tight and hugs them against her chest.
“Cas,” she whispers as she looks at me. Tears continue to stream down her face. “You’re Noah’s father.” She takes in a shuddering breath and squeezes her eyes shut. “I should have told you. I should have told you so long ago… I’m so sorry.”
It feels a little like I’ve been punched. Of all the things she could have been preparing to say, this one leaves me speechless. For a moment, it’s like the words can’t quite penetrate my brain.
Holy hell.
Noah’s mine? I’ve been a father for four fucking years, and I never knew it?
In a daze, my mind goes back to that summer when Jenna and I were first together. All that time since, all the months and years after she left, I’ve been just living my life, with no idea I had a kid. And Jenna’s been doing it all on her own. The pregnancy, the birth, raising him… without anyone to help her.
Why did she never tell me?
Damn Jenna and her pride. As long as I’ve known her, she has the toughest time accepting any help from anybody. Another girl would have come home and leaned on her family during the pregnancy, and the birth. Not Jenna, though. My chest aches a little bit to think about how alone she must have felt through all of it.
But why not me? Why didn’t she ask the father of her child to help her?
Because she didn’t want to push you into it. The answer comes to me immediately. Jenna would never want to think you were with her just because there was a baby on the way. She’d rather be alone than be a charity case.
I haven’t said a word since she told me. I’ve just been sitting here silent. I look over at Jenna to see she’s opened her eyes again. She’s looking down and away from me. Her jaw is tense, her posture rigid. I realize she thinks I’m angry with her. And to be honest, I am.
But the anger I feel isn’t anything compared to the other things welling up inside me.
Joy. Pride. Love.
A little fear, if I’m honest.
Holy fuck. I’m a father.
I have a son.
And Jenna Abbott, the one woman who ever made me slow down and think about settling down, is his mother.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, even though I sort of know the answer. I need her to tell me why.
She looks down at her hands. “Because we told ourselves it was a mistake back then. I never wanted Noah to think he was a mistake. I never wanted anyone to think he was a mistake.”
Jenna takes a deep breath and forces herself to meet my gaze. She puts a careful hand on her stomach.
“And this isn't a mistake either.”
35
Jenna
I know he’s going to be furious.
I’ve left it too long; it’s too much to handle all at once. Finding out that you’re a father to not just one child, but two, in the span of thirty seconds is enough to make any man run screaming.
I know Cas loves me. I do. But I have no right to expect him to take all of this on. I won’t saddle him with this, though. I won’t make my children grow up with a father who doesn’t want them.
Cas’s face turns dark, and stormy, and I take a deep breath and wait for him to explode.
“Jenna,” he says, fiercely but with a gentleness that takes me by surprise. “You were never a mistake. Never.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I hang my head and don’t respond for a moment. My heart leaps with hope at the fact that he didn’t immediately get up and leave, but I force myself to admit that this doesn’t mean anything. I’m not going to beg and plead with him to stay with me. I’m just going to tell him the truth — finally tell him the whole truth — and whatever he decides to do with it, I’m just going to have to accept.
“I know I should have told you,” I murmur. “I’ve been trying so hard to figure out how to explain. And every day, it got harder instead of easier to tell you.” I put my hands to my still-flat stomach. “And now this.”
My eyes meet his. “I just found out, Cas. Just a few hours ago. I took the test while I was waiting for you to come back.” I raise my head. “And this time, at least, I knew I couldn’t make the same mistake with you I made last time. I knew I needed to tell you everything, right away. But you’re not under any obligation here,” I continue, my jaw setting with determination. “I’m not asking for anything, Cas. I just wanted to do right by you this time. That’s all.”
“Jenna…” He reaches forward and grabs me by the shoulders. “Do you really think I’d leave you alone in this?”
“I know you’d do the right thing,” I reply sadly. “But that’s just it. I don’t want it to be like that. I don’t want my children’s father to feel obligated to us. I don’t want a… a partner who’s only with me because he thinks he has to be. I’d rather that these children have only one parent who really wants them, than have to suffer through having two but know one of them is only going through the motions.”
“Jenna, stop it!” Cas growls, cutting me off. “Remember what I said to you before? Now that you’re my old lady, Noah’s my responsibility, too. We’re a family. That was true even before I knew this.” His hand goes to my tummy. “Now it’s even more true.” His eyes grow dark again. “So don’t fucking push me away.”
“You’re mad,” I murmur.
“Hell yes, I’m mad!” he half-shouts, then his voice drops as he remembers Noah’s sleeping next door. “But not for the reason you think.” He raises his hands in a frustrated gesture. “I’m mad because you seem determined to believe I don’t want these kids. You’re hell-bent on believing that I’ll be making this huge sacrifice by staying with you. Jenna, Jesus.” His voice breaks a
little. “You keep saying you don’t want these kids to feel like mistakes. Why are you letting yourself feel like a mistake?” He takes my head in both of his hands, making me look at his earnest, serious face. “You’re the best fucking mistake I ever made, Jenna Abbott,” he says, his voice husky. “So stop pushing me away and let me love you.”
This time, he doesn’t wait for an answer. He brings his mouth down on mine, in a kiss that’s sweet and soft, but with an intensity behind it that’s unmistakable. Our tongues dance, and in that moment I know he’s telling me the truth: that he wants me. That he wants this.
A life together. Us. With our children.
For the first time maybe ever, a bunch of puzzle pieces seem to fly together in my mind. All my life, all the mistakes I’ve made, seem to reassemble themselves into a picture of wholeness, of perfection.
What if all the mistakes I’ve ever made weren’t mistakes at all? What if they were just all the pieces that needed to happen to get me here? Where I was supposed to be all along?
“Oh, wow,” I breathe as Cas’s lips leave mine.
“What?” His mouth begins to burn a path down my neck. “I thought you were used to my massive size by now.”
In spite of myself, I snort. “That’s not what I was wowing about.”
“What, then?”
His hand slips under my shirt, his thumb grazing my already-taut nipple. I gasp with pleasure. “Tell you later…” I manage to croak out as my hands reach to fist in his hair.
He removes my shirt and bra and his hands cover my breasts, cupping one and bringing it to his mouth. The instant his tongue swirls around the hard bud, I’m overcome by lust, a bolt of electricity jolting straight to my core. He teases me, chuckling low in his throat as I whimper and squirm at his touch. His mouth remains locked on my nipple, but his hands leave my breasts to open the button on my jeans. He slides them over my hips, and I do everything I can to help him, but I can barely think straight, already anticipating what I know he’s about to do to me.
Cas slides a hand between my legs, and they fall open for him of their own accord. “You’re so fucking wet,” he groans against my skin. “God damn it, I love how fucking wet you get for me.”
“I want you inside me,” I whisper. “I need it. I can’t wait.”
I don’t need to beg him. He throws off his clothes and is kneeling next to me in a heartbeat. The beauty of his hard cock never ceases to amaze me. I reach out and wrap my hand around the shaft, loving the hot velvet of his skin. He takes in a sharp breath and watches me, thrusting into my palm just slightly with every stroke.
“Fuck me, Cas,” I ask him simply.
He moves between my legs, sliding his large head against my wet folds. I throw back my head and moan, the anticipation already driving me crazy. I close my eyes and wait for him to enter me, but for a second he hesitates. I open my eyes to see him frowning above me.
“Is it okay to do this?” he asks.
“What, you mean because I’m pregnant?” I giggle. “Considering that the baby’s about the size of a pin head, I think we’ll be okay. Plus, the good news is, I’m already pregnant, so no need for birth control.”
“Good points all,” he growls, grabbing my hips and pulling me closer to him.
Cas slowly slides his shaft into my waiting channel, and I let out a low moan as he fills me up. I clutch at the sheets, my back already arching. He begins to move inside me. “Oh, God,” I gasp. “That’s so good. So, so good.”
Cas’s rhythm starts to speed up. “It’s pretty hot fucking a pregnant chick,” he rasps.
I grip his strong thighs, pulling him into me, wrapping my legs around him. “More. Harder,” I urge. The slide of his cock, slick from my juices, is delicious and hot against my pussy. I arch my hips, adjusting the angle just tiny amounts to increase the pleasure as he continues to slam into me. God, I had no idea how good it felt to be fucked hard until I met Cas. It’s never too much. I’ll never get enough of him.
My breath comes shorter and harder as he thrusts, my need becoming more urgent. Already I’m so close, I know it’s just a matter of seconds before I lose control. Cas grabs my hips and pulls me hard against him. “God, I love fucking you, Jenna. I can’t get enough. Come with me, baby, come now!”
My pussy swells tight around his cock and I come hard, my muscles spasming as he releases deep inside me again and again. It’s just as good as it always is with him. But this time it’s better.
This time, I know it’s forever.
36
Cas
The deepest, best sleep of my entire fucking life is interrupted at three a.m. by the sound of my phone vibrating next to my head.
Groaning, I carefully detach myself from Jenna and lean over to grab the thing from the nightstand. Angel’s name flashes on the illuminated screen. I turn away from Jenna’s sleeping form and press the button to answer.
“Hey,” I mutter quietly into it, hoping I won’t wake Jenna.
“Hey,” Angel responds. “I need to talk to you. Need to give you a heads up.”
“You find him?” I ask.
“Yeah.” Angel sounds tired, and pissed, and stressed. “I had a hunch about where he might have gone to hide out. Turns out I was right. Abe’s been fucking double-dealing all along. With the Lords, and with the Iron Spiders, too. You know that deal he was trying to close with Rock and our club for the loan? Part of the money was gonna go to pay off a debt he already owed to the Spiders.” Angel’s voice turns angrier. “And when the club voted against the loan, Dad went to the Spiders and offered to try to sell them information on us as another way to pay them back.”
“Son of a bitch,” I swear. I swing my feet to the floor and sit up.
“No shit,” Angel agrees.
“So, is that why Hurt bugged Jenna’s place?”
“Yeah.” Angel laughs, a short, dry sound. “I guess Hurt told Dad about you and Jenna, and Dad was fucking desperate enough to think maybe he could get some intel on us through listening in on you.”
“What was Hurt’s angle, you think?” I ask him.
“Dunno.” I hear Angel light up a smoke on the other end. “Dad freaked out when I told him Hurt said he was working for the Spiders. Maybe Hurt figured he could cash in by selling Dad out or something.” He takes a long drag and blows it out. “Not sure we’ll ever know.”
“Rock’s gonna want Abe’s head for this, if he finds out,” I say carefully.
“I know.” There’s a sound in the background that might be a voice. “If the Spiders don’t get to him first, that is. The only way to keep him safe now is to get him out of town. Maybe out of state.”
“Where are you at right now?”
“It’s best you don’t know,” he says, his voice flat. “I probably shouldn’t even tell you this much. But I’d have to tell Jenna. And you’re family, now.”
It’s true. Jenna’s family is mine now. Just as much as the club’s my family.
“What are you gonna say to Rock?” I murmur.
Angel sighs. “The only thing I can tell him. That I went out looking for Abe and couldn’t find him. That I assume the Spiders got him. That I’m pretty sure he’s dead.”
“Jesus. That’s a pretty serious, uh, lifestyle change for your dad,” I say. “He prepared for this?”
“It’s better than being dead,” Angel says bitterly. “He says he’s got someplace he can go. Some assets he can draw on. I think maybe he’s been preparing for something like this. I ain’t gonna ask him where he’s off to, though.”
I nod to the phone. “Probably best.”
“Thing is,” Angel continues, “The three of us are gonna have to stick to that story. You, me, and Jenna.” He pauses. “I know that’s a tall order, brother. Asking you to keep a secret from the club.”
It is a tall order. Rock expects absolute loyalty from everyone in the Lords of Carnage. And that’s as it should be. You don’t survive as an outlaw MC unless you have that from every one of
your members. That’s why it takes so long to prospect. That’s why the vote for someone to get patched in has to be unanimous. Every single member of the club has to be confident that anyone new would fight and die for us all.
And I would. I’d lay down my life for any one of my brothers. That’s a given. They’re my family.
But Jenna’s my family now, too. As is Angel. And as fucked up as Abe Abbott is, he’s my children’s grandfather.
I understand the need for vengeance. Club justice is Old Testament shit. An eye for an eye.
But in this case, I’m not going to let Abe Abbott’s stupid mistakes hurt everyone around him. I won’t let his fuckups hurt my family.
I make my decision.
“You’ve got my word, brother,” I tell Angel.
I hear him exhale. “Okay. Thanks. You’ll tell Jenna?”
“I’ll tell her,” I say.
Next to me, she stirs and opens her eyes. “Tell me what?”
“That her?” Angel asks. “Shit, I don’t mind telling you this is gonna take a little getting used to, you and Jenna.”
I laughed. “You’ll have plenty of time, brother. Talk to ya.”
I hang up and gather Jenna into my arms. I tell her it was her brother on the phone. I explain everything that Angel just told me: what her dad’s been up to, that Angel’s with him now, and that Abe is going to have to disappear. She cries. I hold her.
Later, after she’s mostly stopped crying, Jenna tells me about the Abe Abbott she knew. About the father she remembers.
“It’s so sad,” she says, looking down at her hands. “My dad has made some shitty choices in the last few years. Ever since my mom died, it’s like the only thing he cared about was money and power.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “Even to the extent of cutting a deal with the Iron Spiders, apparently. God, I never would have guessed he was capable of that.”
I understand what she’s saying. Angel told me back then that he’d overheard Abe on the phone one day not long after their mom Maria had died in a car accident. Abe was talking to Rock. Apparently, Rock thought Maria’s death might have been payback to Abe for striking a deal with the Lords instead of the Spiders for territory. If he really believed that, it’s fucking sickening that he’d enter into any kind of deal with the MC that killed his wife.
GUNNER: Lords of Carnage MC Page 34
