Amy was right. I knew all that; I knew how to DJ. It was embedded into my psyche that you never launch your whoppers in one go at the beginning – first rule of DJ-ing. But apart from Ali’s birthday I hadn’t DJ-ed for years and I think my nerve had deserted me. Hadn’t I asked for this, sent out an epistle into the universe for a job I could fit around my writing and the kids?
‘Excuse me, do you DJ here often?’ I looked up from flicking hastily through my record box to find a sweaty young kid, probably early twenties, possibly drunk, bending over next to my face, his breath a potent combination of stale garlic and beer; I recoiled.
‘Yes, all the time. You’re in my space, though. Do you mind backing off?’
‘Sorry, but I was wondering if you could play some decent house music, not this shit you’re playing. No one likes it.’
I unfurled and drew straight up to my full height, taller because of my vertiginous black cork wedges. The dance floor writhed, a snake pit of busting out moves and grooves, hands waving in the air with Jacqui, the undisputed Dancing Queen, bopping right in the centre with her boss from work. Ali was at home babysitting so I could work, but also keeping herself in reserve for tomorrow’s big lash – Rachel and Justin’s wedding. I wasn’t invited. It was one of the many events where people had had to choose between ex-wife and new girlfriend. I lost out this time and I guessed that was how it was going to be from now on as people picked sides. Fighting off self-pity, I refused to be upset at my inaugural paid DJ gig.
‘Are you seeing something I’m not?’ I asked the sad little boy berating our music, levelly eyeballing him. Amy glanced over from where she was changing records.
‘You OK?’ she mouthed; the music was too loud for me to hear her from even a few feet away.
‘Yes! This boy thinks the music’s shit!’ I shouted to try and make myself heard. She stepped over my handbag, which had fallen on the floor from its protective hidey hole under the table.
‘You think it’s shit?’ she challenged him.
‘Well, no, but we don’t like it.’
‘Who’s we?’
‘My friends.’ He pointed to some boys whose testicles had yet to descend, huddled by the toilet door, necking beers. They were the only motionless people in this part of the bar.
‘Well, I think everyone else here likes it.’
‘I want you to play some rave. Get the tunes out. Decent stuff. Not this shitty hip hop disco crap.’ I inspected him properly and he gurned so badly his jaw nearly dislocated.
‘Listen, pipsqueak, I was raving while you were sat in your nan’s conservatory eating Jammy Dodgers. Unless you can be constructive and polite I suggest you go back to your friends and chew your own face off. Goodbye.’
‘I was only asking.’
‘No you weren’t, you were being hostile,’ Amy said. ‘We’re playing what we’re being paid to play. If you hate it that much, go somewhere else.’ I contorted my face into a snarl until he slunk off, his tail between his legs. ‘Nice put down, by the way. Though he looks more like a chocolate Hob Nob kind of boy.’
I soon forgot all about him as we appeared to be having a successful night until a kerfuffle broke out behind. I spun round on my haunches and came face to black-trouser-clad knee with one of the bouncers. He was getting a grip on the raver whom Woody had in a headlock.
‘What the fuck!’ I jumped up.
‘This little shit was taking pictures of your bum sticking out of your hot pants. He was going to twang your thong and those idiots were recording him,’ Woody explained loudly.
‘I was just messing around.’
‘Would you do that to your sister?’ Woody reprimanded him.
‘I don’t have a sister.’
‘All right, your mum?’
‘No, her bum isn’t as good as hers.’ He was laughing and I could see Woody flinch. The bouncer grabbed him before Woody could get arrested for death by asphyxiation and marched him out, the dancefloor parting like the Red Sea, his chastened gaggle of mates dallying behind through the crowd.
‘Hey!’ Amy cried as she slipped on another record. Once it was cued up, she slid off her headphones and came over, kissing Woody on the cheeks. ‘So you came, then!’
‘You knew he was coming?’ I looked suspiciously from one to the other. Was something going on with them?
‘Yeah, he said he would on the Facebook page. If you actually used Facebook, you would know that.’
‘You getting into fights again?’ Jacqui laughed, popping out of the crowd. ‘Oh, hello. I can’t remember your name but I’m sure we’ve met.’
*
‘He really likes you,’ Jacqui hissed in my ear as I monitored the cheese on toast bubbling like molten lava under the grill.
‘No he doesn’t.’
‘He came on his own to see you play.’
‘He came with Will.’
‘Will left early to go to bed in prep for the wedding. Woody stayed on.’
‘That’s because he doesn’t like to miss a party.
‘Why don’t you give him a chance?’
‘It will end up in a mess.’
‘You don’t know that. He likes you. He really likes you. Look, he keeps staring at you. I wish someone would look at me the way he looks at you.’ I caught his eye as he stood sipping tea with Amy by the decks where she was spinning some nice laid-back Northern Soul. He winked at me, making me blush.
‘I’m dead inside.’ But my goosebumps begged to differ.
‘So you keep saying. But he might be able to give you mouth-to-mouth!’ Jacqui cackled. ‘You’re so hard. I don’t know how you can brush him off. I like having the odd night of mad sex with Tim, it breaks up the monotony of being a single mum. You should try it. Didn’t you and Ali order men from the cosmos? Maybe this is it? He’s arrived.’
‘Woody? Nah, you know he’s one of Sam’s friends.’
‘Does he still see Sam regularly? They best buds?’ Jacqui asked pointedly, her hands on her hips, her lips pursed like a cross teacher.
‘No.’ I admitted sulkily. ‘But he is good at carpentry.’
‘Jesus – ha – you have to let that Herod thing go. You’re just putting up blocks. Just see. I’m off to bed…’ And she winked at me, just like Woody had. Jacqui had requisitioned the bed in Sam’s old office as her crash pad when Meg was in her usual bed. She said she didn’t mind the cobwebs. As I shut the door half an hour later on Amy getting into a cab, Woody stood at the bottom of the stairs with his coat on.
‘How will you get home?’ I asked wearily. ‘Why couldn’t you stay with Will? Taxis to Essex will be expensive.’
‘Every available nook and cranny is taken with people staying over from abroad for the wedding.’
‘Couldn’t you sleep on the washing line?’
‘I’m so tired I probably could.’
‘Look, you can stay, but on the sofa, down here.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’ll get you a spare duvet.’
14
Wedding Blues
‘Amanda! Wake up!’
I peeled my eyes open feeling like I had only just got back to sleep. Ali was towering over me, her hair wrapped in a towel, Grace on her hip, waving what looked like a bill at me.
‘What’s up?’ I groaned. It still felt like the middle of the night.
‘I got a tax rebate! It’s enough to be able to find a lawyer and fight cunt face for my money.’
I sat upright, grinning. ‘Oh, that’s so amazing! The universe delivered for you!’
‘I know. All I need now is a hot man and I’m sorted. Seems like your Cosmic Ordering worked, too. Woody stayed last night, then?’ Ali smirked. ‘I didn’t know he was your type.’
‘He isn’t. Nothing happened. There was no room at Will and Sarah’s. Everyone’s there for the wedding.’
‘Did he try and kiss you?’
‘No!’ I tried to sound as horrified as I could. Too late, Jacqui was up and shuffled into my room,
rubbing her eyes, still wearing full make-up.
‘Don’t listen to her,’ she yawned. ‘She’s gagging for it with him. I think she needs to shag him and get it out of her system. He likes her.’
‘Does he?’
‘Don’t sound surprised. I’m not an ugly sister from Cinderella.’
‘No, you’re more like the wicked heart-of-stone stepmother,’ Jacqui quipped. ‘Making that poor man sleep on the sofa when you have a super-king-size bed that no one has been in since Sam left.’
‘Shut the door!’ I cried. I didn’t want Woody overhearing this.
‘Do you and Woody have a thing going on?’ Ali hissed. ‘I mean, it’s Woody!’
‘I know. I keep trying to explain that to Jacqui.’
‘I suppose he is hot,’ Ali reluctantly admitted. ‘And when he’s not off his face, he’s got some good chat. But he lives at home with his mum!’
‘So?’ Jacqui retaliated. ‘He seems nice. You can’t judge someone just because their life isn’t going to plan, can you?’ She emphatically stared at Ali.
‘Sorry. You’re right. Look at me, living in your attic with no pennies to my name.’
‘Why don’t you ask Woody to help today?’ Jacqui went on. ‘I bet he would. Then you could gauge how you feel. Like a test to see how he performs with all the children. Especially now Meg is ill.’
Meg had come down with a sore throat and temperature while I was at work. Ali had been up in the night with her and used up the last of the Calpol.
‘I think it would be his idea of hell.’
‘I disagree,’ Jacqui retaliated. ‘I’ll pop down and see you tomorrow with Joe and Neve. Neve’s got some clothes for the girls – they can play dressing up while we have a gossip. I need to go and spruce up this hair for my date!’ Her and Tim’s casual friends with benefits arrangement did seem to be working for both of them. Perhaps she was right about occasional sex…
‘Look, would you like me to stay?’ Woody asked kindly while he stuffed the spare duvet back in its hiding place at the bottom of the wardrobe. ‘To help you out. It’s not going to be much fun on your own. You might stew about the wedding and forget to feed the kids or something…’ He looked at me from underneath his shaggy fringe. I actually felt relief that he had offered. The thought of dealing with Grace and Sonny fighting for my attention while Meg was poorly had been weighing me down. Poor Isla would suffer and probably spend the day being overlooked.
‘Well, if you’re sure you’re not busy?’
‘I had an important appointment with Football Focus, but that’s it really.’
‘OK, thanks.’ I spontaneously kissed him on his stubbly cheek, catching a waft of his unwashed man scent mingled with lingering cigarette smoke.
‘What are we doing first?’ he asked, sounding flustered.
‘Well, could you go and get some Calpol, for a start?’
After Ali departed, looking totally stunning in a red knee-length chiffon shift dress, it was pretty much nonstop. Meg had to lie down on the sofa and I said they could watch a film, but Sonny kept wanting to get up and run around, annoying the girls. In the end Woody enticed Sonny outside to the garden and played football with him, something Sonny didn’t do with me. He loved it and I caught Woody chasing him round and round the bottom part of the garden, lifting him up in the air and making him squeal. It brought a lump to my throat. He missed out on that regular man rough-and-tumble stuff; I was always too exhausted.
Late afternoon, I had a text from Ali.
You’re very much missed. I love you and we all wished you were here. I hope Grace is being good. xx
I didn’t wish I was at the wedding, I just wished that it didn’t matter.
As bedtime drew nearer, the madness it usually stirred up somehow didn’t feel as scary now I had a wingman.
‘I’m glad you’re here,’ I said to Woody as the kids all sat at the table eating a hotchpotch of sausages, garlic bread, cucumber and cheese. Grace had managed a big sleep in the afternoon and was therefore not too grizzly without Ali at teatime. ‘I actually didn’t know how I was going to achieve bedtime without jumping off the roof.’
‘Mummy! Why would you do that?’ Isla asked, shocked.
‘Sorry, Baba, I was just joking.’
‘Woody, are you married?’ Isla asked him in her best job interview voice.
‘No.’
‘Do you want to get married?’
‘I’m not sure. Maybe one day.’
‘I never want to get married,’ Isla declared. ‘I think it’s stupid.’
‘Oh, how come?’ I asked, intrigued.
‘What if you don’t like the person, you know, like you and Daddy? And then one of them leaves? It would make me sad like you, Mummy.’
‘Just be friends then,’ Woody casually answered, filling in the gap when I was stumped. ‘Then you’ll have nothing to worry about.’
‘Like you and Mummy are friends?’ Isla carried on.
‘Yes, like us.’ I couldn’t look at him, so I busied myself with Grace, wiping her mouth until she pushed me away.
‘Daddy and Carrie were friends for a long time. But just before they moved into the house, they realised that they loved each other.’ Oh, the web of lies we weave…
‘Oh, right. That’s er… good?’ I sneaked a peek at Woody, floundering in the conversational shallows.
‘Well, not really. Mummy needs someone, too, to make it fair. It’s not fair that Daddy’s happy and Mummy’s on her own, is it?’
‘I’m fine on my own, Isla. I don’t need anyone. Who wants chocolate cake?’
Small children’s bedtime is akin to warfare against erratic dictators. Just when you think the peace process is complete, they change their capricious minds and the fighting breaks out once more.
‘I don’t want this cup. I want the pink one.’ Scream.
‘Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad!!!!!!’ More milk required.
‘I don’t like this story. I want the one about the parrot.’
‘Where’s Emily? You said she was in my bed, she isn’t. I can’t sleep without her!’ Dissolves into sobs.
‘I want Mummy to read the story, not you.’
‘Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad!!!!!’ I want my digger in bed.
‘Your phone has been going nuts,’ Woody said when I returned from settling Grace with Reiki. ‘I think Ali is trying to ring you.’
I checked and had three missed calls from her, so I rang her back.
‘Hiiiiiiiii! Howya doing?’ She sounded wasted.
‘All good. How are you?’
‘I think I’m shitted. What time do I have to be home, Mum?’
‘Before the morning! Why? When does Grace wake in the night?’
‘About two, or three, depending… I met someone!’
‘Oooh, who?’
‘He’s a newsreader! He’s cute. And he’s got my number.’
‘That’s good. Is there a wedding after-party?’
‘Yeah, that’s why I rang. He wants me to go. Everyone else is going.’ I wondered if Sam and Carrie would be going.
‘I met her,’ Ali said suddenly sounding serious, tuning into my thoughts.
‘And?’
‘I love you. And she is not you. I wish you were here.’
I started crying down the phone.
‘Oh, Mands, it feels wrong, him here with her because it should be you. We all said so. Everyone felt weird. But they all want you to know we love you so much. Ursula sends you a big kiss and says your cakes will always be her favourite!’
‘S-sorry. I’m being pathetic. Why does it still hurt?’
‘Because this is the first big thing. And he’s moved on. I don’t have to deal with this rubbed in my face because Jim isn’t in my group of friends, but you do, and that’s shite. Honestly, when Grace starts overnights, I will be worse than you; I’ll probably slash Jim’s tyres or something.’
‘Look, have an amazing time. Stay out as long as you want. I will see to Grace
if she wakes.’
‘Thank you. You’re amazing! I’ll see you in the morning when I’m dying.’
I slumped back on the sofa, almost forgetting Woody was there as I sobbed into my hands. ‘When will it stop?’ I pointlessly raged. ‘I hate that I feel like this. I just wish divorce didn’t take so long.’
‘I’m sorry, Amanda. I don’t know what to say.’
‘Don’t say anything. No one can make it better. Only I can, and I’m being shit. This has to stop.’
Woody grabbed my hand and squeezed it. ‘Come here.’ And he enveloped me in a hug, kissing the top of my head. I rested my ear on his chest and listened to his heartbeat beneath his shirt. ‘Look, you’re amazing, and kind and it’s fucking awful that Sam left. I’ve no idea how it feels and I don’t know why he did it, but you’re going to be OK. I know you are. And in the meantime, let me take you out somewhere. If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go?’
‘We can’t, we’re in charge of four kids.’
‘Pretend! Anywhere.’
I lifted my head and tilted my face up to his. He was smiling and the lava lamp caught the dangerous twinkle in his eyes.
‘I’d like to go to Greece and sit on a beach and send my boring sadness away into the sea.’
‘Then let’s do it, let’s go to Greece.’
‘For real?’
‘For real.’
‘You have no money. Neither do I at the moment.’
‘I do have money. I’m working back in Essex, doing carpentry and general building work. I’ve been saving. And I went to Antigua and got paid a wedge to sail that boat to its new owner.’ I sat very still. Something untoward was happening. ‘Say yes,’ he whispered gently. ‘Let me take you away. We could go in the summer.’
‘Yes.’
The edges of his mouth curled up into a sexy smile and before I knew what I was doing, I kissed him. Softly at first, but when he realised what was happening he kissed me back, making my head swim. The door opened a crack and I’d invited him in.
The Single Mums' Mansion Page 10
