Elsie was happily wandering down the street looking at everyone’s gardens. She was not thinking of the issues surrounding her health, or her future care. She was happy just wandering around, aimlessly looking over fences, unaware of the time or how far she had walked. As she began to tire, she thought it must be time to go home; it took her a few moments to get her mind to sort out where she was and which direction to take to get home. She walked back home in a happy state feeling everything was going to be all right with her and perhaps others were just needlessly fussing about her.
When she walked inside, Frank came up to her and gave her a caring smile. He then told her of another doctor’s appointment. “I rang the doctors again, and spoke with the nurse. Doctor Bailey will see you tomorrow morning at eleven. We got a quick appointment this time; they will look at your incontinence. It may not be too serious an issue, but he will need to see you about it.”
Elsie felt a little annoyed and embarrassed by that. She wondered why Frank was making such a fuss about her toileting habits; she again thought that perhaps he was the one who wasn’t well. She felt like Frank was treating her like a child which really annoyed her. He seemed to be fussing over where she had put things or what she was doing; she thought he was pestering her and she was tired of it. She was becoming annoyed with all the attention she had been getting lately, she wished they would all just leave her alone and mind their own business. She didn’t want to go back to the doctor again.
She angrily responded, “no, Frank, I’m not going. I’m sick of you trying to control me. Just leave me alone, mind your own business, and look after your own toileting issues.” She then marched off to go and read a magazine again.
After hearing that, Frank took a moment to reflect upon what she had said and why. It was a short, sharp, aggressive outburst that was unlike her normal nature. He didn’t take it as a personal verbal attack on him; he thought it had something to do with her dementia. He considered why she may have reacted in such a way. He realized that he had indeed had a slight controlling hand on her lately. He hadn’t mentioned to her that he was going to make a doctor’s appointment concerning her incontinence, so that would have been a shock to her. It was time to start talking more with her about such things as doctor’s visits, if he talked with her about what he was organizing on her behalf, then they wouldn’t come as such a shock to her. He then decided it wasn’t her dementia that caused the outburst; perhaps he really was intruding upon her personal habits without her being talked to first. He would now start discussing certain things with her before acting on her behalf. Perhaps as time wore on, he would need to take a stronger controlling hand on her life but for now, he would back off a bit.
Later in the evening, after a light and tasty dinner, he raised the subject with her, this time being open for discussion. She seemed to have no recollection of the previous comments she had made. Because he had decided that springing things on her would not be a good policy from now on, he asked her, “What actually happens? Do you just start leaking, or do you feel pain, or do you know you need to go to the toilet, but can’t be bothered? Help me understand here El; I’m trying to help you.”
Elsie replied, “I just start doing it; I don’t get any warnings, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable. It’s not a lot though. I get damp first, so then have to hurry up before the rest flows.” She did in fact feel the need to go but often wouldn’t recognize it, the times she did recognize it, she thought she would go later. But she would then put if off again if she couldn’t be bothered or was doing something else.
After talking about her incontinence with her in a caring way, acting more like her husband than her supervisor, she agreed to see the doctor again. Frank had realized that even though she had been diagnosed with dementia, she was still his wife, so he would just care for her and put his years of supervisory skills aside for now. She needed a husband, not a supervisor; he had been focusing too much on what was wrong. He needed to focus on her now, not the illness. He needed to learn more about all this if he was to care for her properly. He wondered if her sticking to herself so much was because he was treating her differently. He had definitely been acting more like her boss than her husband since they were told she had dementia. But he felt he needed to as he was concerned for her safety.
When it got later in the night, after they had been watching the TV, Elsie said she was going to bed, her own bed in the guestroom. As she got up she said softly, “goodnight, Frank.”
Frank looked at her coldly and said, “well okay then, goodnight Elsie, sleep well.” This didn’t seem right to him.
CHAPTER FOUR
The following day at the doctors they were both relieved to hear Doctor Bailey say the incontinence might just be that Elsie was not listening to her body and suggested she go to the bathroom at specific times during the day and the last thing at night. Further tests on that would be carried out at the clinic where Elsie was to stay for a week, or perhaps two, depending on how things worked out for her. Being the perceptive doctor that he was, he noticed Frank’s strained and worried look, he knew Frank was finding it stressful as it was he who took on the daily responsibility of making sure Elsie was safe and cared for. The day-to-day running of the home was not putting pressure on him, it was just his wife’s condition that worried him and caused him to stress a little about her welfare. Doctor Bailey thought it may be time to look at suggesting professional caregivers who are trained to know what is needed to be done and when, and how to respond to certain situations that may arise. That would take most of the strain off Frank so he could then relax, which it looked like he needed to do.
He said to them, “I think it’s time you got some help in the home. You could have someone come to your home daily to pre-prepare meals for you both, tidy up, and do the basics around the house. That would help to reduce some of the daily stress you’re facing. There are trained care-givers and also home-helpers that can do what it is you require. Tell me Frank, do you really know which medications Elsie should be taking and at what times and what they are actually for?”
Frank replied, “I give her what she is meant to have, according to how much and when, just as it says on the bottle. I do make sure she has her correct dose at the correct times. I don’t know what they are actually for or what they do, but you prescribed them. So, I assume they’re for the osteoporosis and pain.”
“Very well then, that’s good. Please consider home help, it would free you up so you would then be able to enjoy life without the daily burden you’re placing on yourself. You, Elsie, aren’t far off going to the clinic now, which will definitely help sort things out for you. That will give us a full and complete diagnosis of your situation so then we can plan what’s to be done for you.”
Doctor Bailey then spoke to Frank about her welfare and what was best for her. He had only asked Frank about the medications to see whether he was indeed giving her what he had prescribed, or if he had left it up to Elsie to take her own tablets.
After leaving the doctor, Elsie felt annoyed again, she felt like they were talking about her as if she wasn’t in the room, while she was sitting there the whole time. It was her appointment but the doctor spoke more to Frank than he did to her, but about her. It added to her feelings of depression and enticed her to shut herself down a little more.
After arriving home from the doctor’s, Elsie went out walking again. However, this time it wasn’t for pleasure; she was worried about what the doctor had been saying and about how Frank was behaving toward her. She fully remembered the doctor’s visit as it had some negative emotional attachments for her, although she would soon forget about it. Being told she may need to stay at the clinic bothered her; it sounded like she was being admitted to a hospital ward for assessment and she didn’t like that. If she was to believe what they had been saying, then she thought she must be sicker than what she was aware of. So she began to wonder what the future had in store for her. She didn’t want to go to the clinic; she had decided it
was her own life and she didn’t need a bunch of strangers telling her what the future had in store for her. She thought she would discover her own future as she lived it. But her concept of her future didn’t really reach too far off into the future; she mostly just lived her life daily without too much thought about what might be happening next.
She was contemplating what she would do if her mental and physical health deteriorated beyond her control, what she didn’t realize was that it had already done so. She was not at all aware of how she really was. She didn’t want to be in a nursing home nor did she want to be dependent on anyone just to get through the day. It had occurred to her that she hadn’t done any cooking or gardening for a long time, although it was far longer than what she was aware of. In this moment of realization, she was thinking of perhaps taking her own life if she got too sick, as there was no reason to hang on to this life if it wasn’t worth living. Not having children meant there was no one but Frank who would miss her, she knew he was strong enough to handle it if she died. She was not about to get too serious about suicide at this point, it was just a thought. A thought without comprehending the actual reality of what she was thinking.
When she arrived home, she noticed how clean and tidy it was. She thought fondly of Frank and realized what a lucky woman she was to have such a caring and functional husband to look after her and their home. Many other times she had come home but hadn’t noticed anything at all, she was normally unaware of the state of her home. She found Frank in his study working on his computer and mentioned to him how happy she was to have him in her life. He then responded by saying he was happy having her in his life, but she noticed the odd expression he had, as if he was talking to a child. He then took her to the dining room for a snack.
Elsie was in a good mood and said jokingly with a chuckle and grin, “Frank, honey, don’t let me turn into one of those weird old folks. If I get too sick, just take me out. You could lovingly put me to sleep and I wouldn’t mind at all. If you did it right, I wouldn’t even know you did it. I don’t want to go to one of those old folk’s homes and sit around all day reading and watching TV. I could do that in my own home. And I’m not going to the clinic, I don’t need to go through all that, I’m okay as I am. I mean it, I’m not going.”
Frank wasn’t sure what to make of that, was she joking or not? She already was doing just that, spending most of her time reading and watching TV. Although she was joyful as she spoke, Frank could see a vacant look in her eyes, he wasn’t sure if this was his real Elsie speaking. He replied “I wouldn’t want to do that to you, El; you’re not a cat or dog so that would have to be your own call and be done by your own hand. But, there’s no need to talk about doing that at this stage; you have lots of life left in you so things are okay for now. Let’s just carry on as normal and see how it all works out for us. I think you should go to the clinic though, they know what they’re doing and could diagnose all your problems. They are fully trained professionals who have the skills to sort this out for you. I really do think you should go and place some trust in their abilities to help you.”
She understood what he meant and noticed how he looked concerned by what she had said. “Okay then, I’ll go for the assessment, but that’s all, I won’t stay there. I just don’t want to be a mindless old lady living with a bunch of strangers, so leave me here with you if you think I’m not well. But I don’t think I’m as sick as you think I am.”
Frank didn’t respond to that, he thought she was sicker than she thought she was. Leave her here or take her out? What did she really mean? Did she even know what she meant?
Several days later, Elsie looked like she felt brittle and was about to break. Frank asked her what was wrong and she said she had bones that felt like sticks. She said her ankles and hips were hurting. Frank told her that was the osteoporosis and she needed to take care of herself, she needed to be careful how she did things.
Elsie said, “I’m not going to the clinic, Frank, cancel the appointment, if you don’t, then I will do it myself. I’m just not interested in going there to be treated like some pathetic, sick, old lady, I’m not going, and that’s final.” Elsie was tired of it all; she’d had enough of all the fuss and bother going on about her. Frank had already heard this; she must have forgotten that she had already spoken about it, several times. Frank was concerned by that and knew he couldn’t force her to go. Once again he said “I think you should go, it won’t do you any harm to go there and be diagnosed properly, and it would, in fact, do you good.” This time he said it in a harsher tone, more like an order than an offer. She didn’t respond to him, she just walked away.
He thought perhaps he could get Ivan to have a talk with her about it. He was not too sure how things would work out for them if she got too much sicker and he had to then act like a security officer on her behalf, as well as her full-time caregiver. He also thought that perhaps it was time to get some instructions about just what it was he may need to do for her. He was okay with just caring for her and their home, but as she was getting less capable of caring for herself in even small ways, he was feeling like he needed some help. When Elsie was back in the sitting room reading her magazines again, he gave Ivan a call. Ivan said he would call around to see them both soon but was busy at the moment.
Several hours later, as Frank was at his computer and Elsie was snoozing on the couch, the doorbell rang. Frank knew it would be Ivan as he always rang the doorbell whereas others he knew just knocked and walked in. They greeted each other.
Ivan said to Frank, “I know someone who could give you some advice about what’s happening here. There’s a professional caregiver in the congregation who knows all about the various ailments people face, and I’m sure she would be willing to give you some instructions on how to deal with your day-to-day living. If you want me to, I will give her your phone number so she can call you.”
“That would be very helpful, yes, thank you, Ivan, you can give her our number, I would like to speak to her. An issue at the moment is Elsie won’t go to the clinic for assessment. She doesn’t believe she needs it and I can’t force her to go. So, I have to get serious about how I look after her now, I’d like to do it properly.”
Ivan looked concerned about that. “Well, that can’t be good. I don’t think we can legally make her go if she doesn’t want to, but I’ll pray about that for you. It would be best if she did go of course, but if not, we can just do our best for her here. I’m on your side with this Frank; I’ll help out when and how I can. Please remember God’s on your side as well, so don’t be afraid to pray about what it is you need as he will answer you. You just need to be faithful to Him and put Him first when you seek spiritual guidance, He can give you inner peace if you desire it.”
Frank relied, “okay, but my main concerns here are practical and medical issues, not spiritual. That’s another matter.”
Ivan then said, “well, that’s your choice. I better get moving now, I have someone else waiting to see me about some concerns they have. I’ll pass on your phone number, so you can expect a call at some point. Bless you both and may God’s grace be upon you.”
He then got up to leave; Frank thanked him for his time and walked him to the front door. He liked Ivan and was grateful for his input but was in two minds about where God was right now, or even if he was anywhere at all.
Frank then went to see how Elsie was, she seemed okay laying there on the couch with her magazines beside her. He thought to himself how it could easily have been a hospital bed where she was lying with her favorite magazines next to her. But she didn’t bother to stack them or keep them organized, they were just scattered around her. But he wasn’t about to get to forceful on that issue, they were her magazines so it was up to her how she took care of them. He was in two minds about all this. Logically, he thought she needed to go into care. But he would do his best for her depending upon what she decided for herself. Practically, it would be best for her to go and get sorted out, but the other side
of the coin was it was her choice as it was her life. He wasn’t going to start ordering her to do what she didn’t want to do; he believed in freedom of choice.
CHAPTER FIVE
Frank awoke one morning feeling a little depressed as he had been watching his wife slipping further away from him lately. As she no longer shared their bed, he was now sleeping alone, as she was also, but in the bedroom next to his. He felt they were now more like brother and sister than husband and wife. She had lost the caring side of her character and was now more like a mannequin than a human being. Externally she looked human, but she seemed to be internally like cold hard plastic. It wasn’t that long ago when she would at times become distant and solitary for days at a time, but now that side of her had become the permanent, daily Elsie. She seemed to still know who Frank was but was not chatty or compassionate toward him anymore. She hardly ever spoke to him now, other than responding to his questions. If she did have something to say, it was generally a negative comment to something he had talked to her about. Most days she would go out alone, walking the neighborhood streets; he was getting more worried about her walks now that she was getting a little sicker. He had offered several times to walk with her but she had said no, she preferred to be on her own while walking. It seemed to Frank like she was living alone on planet earth, not aware of what day it was and at times not even aware of what was going on around her, nor did she seem to care. If the phone rang, she wouldn’t bother getting up to answer it, she just ignored the ringing phone while immersed in her magazines. Frank wondered if it was her illness causing her to retreat within herself, or if it was due to the side effects of her medication.
Goodnight, Elsie Page 3
