Losing Me

by Scarlett Haven

  Sometimes, I think back to that day in Australia—when Nolan let us go. I still don’t get it. None of it. Why he didn’t kidnap me when he had the chance in Florida, why he chose to fight me with Sebastian there, knowing he didn’t stand a chance. Why he let Sebastian knock him out at that hotel.

  Maybe…

  Maybe he’s not bad…

  But then I remember Gage, lying in a pool of his own blood.

  I remember Nolan hitting me over the head with his gun, knocking me out.

  No. Nolan isn’t good. Doing one good thing doesn’t erase the many bad things he’s done.

  The hotel door opens and I look over, just to make sure it’s Sebastian.

  “Come on,” Bass says, only sticking his head in.

  “Where are we going?” I ask, jumping off the couch.

  “It’s a surprise.”

  Sebastian is…

  Smiling.

  He grabs my hand and pulls me after him, running through the halls of the hotel. It’s empty, because everybody else is out. I wonder where he’s taking me, but I just go with it. We get to the staircase, and he surprises me by going up instead of down.

  By the time we reach the top of the stairs, I am out of breath.

  “Why did we just run up thirty flights of stairs?” I ask.

  He doesn’t respond. He just pulls me out the door and we walk onto the roof.

  “I didn’t know we were allowed up here,” I say.

  “We’re not,” he says.

  But nothing ever stops Bass.

  “This is amazing,” I say, walking over to the edge and looking down. “Can I sit on the ledge?”

  Bass shakes his head, laughing slightly.

  “What?”

  “Does anything scare you?” he asks.

  “I already told you,” I say. “The only thing I’m scared of is losing you.”

  “Well, I have that exact same fear, so no, you can’t sit on the ledge,” he says.

  I frown, but don’t climb up. He’s probably right.

  “Thanks for bringing me up here,” I tell Sebastian, turning to look at him. He’s watching me with a huge smile on his face. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile so much.”

  “I’m happy,” he says.

  “What makes you happy?”

  “Seeing you this happy makes me happy,” Sebastian says.

  I’m about to ask him what he means, when I hear yelling below. I’m worried for half a second, then I realize what they’re shouting.

  They’re counting down.

  3…

  2…

  1…

  I hear fireworks going off, and I turn to Sebastian.

  “Happy New Year,” I say.

  “Happy New Year,” he says back.

  And for a moment, I think he’s going to kiss me.

  I don’t technically know what a guy does before he kisses you, but Sebastian has this look in his eye. He leans closer, then turns his head, kissing me on my cheek.

  My heart sinks, realizing Sebastian would never kiss me.

  “We should get to bed,” he says, breaking the silence. “We have an early morning.”

  I sigh, trying not to let my disappointment show. I turn away from him, looking once again at the fireworks. “Yeah, okay.”

  On the way back to our room, Sebastian doesn’t hold my hand.

  Monday, January 1

  Fine.

  It’s a new year. Normally, a new year brings resolutions. It brings new beginnings. A new determination. But I can’t help but feel a little bit down when I wake up, realizing that I’m still fighting the same ol’ fight. I’m still just trying to survive.

  I mean, things are definitely better this year than last year.

  Honestly, I just can’t stop thinking about last night. Sebastian was so close to kissing me. I know he was. He’s admitted that he wants to kiss me. But then he just… didn’t. And sometimes I wonder if I’m not pretty enough. Maybe he’s not attracted to me. Not like I am to him.

  “You want to get a shower before we go?” Bass asks, coming into the room, drying his wet hair with a towel.

  “Yeah,” I say, wiping a few tears from under my eyes.

  I get up from the bed and open my suitcase that Sander got for us.

  “Are you okay?” Bass asks.

  “Totally fine,” I say, forcing a smile as I look at him. I grab my clothes and walk towards the bathroom. I hear him sigh as I walk in the bathroom.

  Gosh, I am so pathetic.

  I turn on the shower and allow myself two minutes.

  Two minutes to be miserable and cry. But after these two minutes, I am going to suck it up.

  Sebastian Soto doesn’t like me as anything more than a friend. That’s okay. He and I just aren’t meant to be. It’s fine. I mean… it’s not fine, fine. It sucks. But he has every right to feel the way he does.

  I can get over him. I mean, I’m not the first girl to crush on a guy only to have him not return the feelings. It’s fine.

  I am fine.

  Friend zoned.

  Sebastian and I walk out of the back of the hotel. We’re pretty certain that Sebastian’s dad hasn’t found us, but we want to be certain. When we walk out though, there is somebody standing there waiting.

  “Dad,” I say.

  “Serenity,” he says.

  I run up to him, giving him a hug.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” I tell him, not letting go just yet. I need this hug.

  “I miss you, too,” Dad says, pulling back, holding onto my shoulders. “How are you doing? And what the heck did you do to your hair?”

  “I’m good,” I say, pushing my hair behind my back. “And the hair is Sebastian’s fault.”

  Sebastian’s eye widen. “Come on. Don’t blame this all on me. Besides, Serenity is a hot blonde.”

  “Hot?” Dad asks, raising an eyebrow.

  “I mean… pretty. I didn’t mean hot,” he says.

  “Don’t worry, Dad,” I say, then lean close to my dad and whisper. “Sebastian has friend zoned me pretty hard.”

  Dad laughs.

  “What did you say?” Sebastian asks.

  “Nothing,” I say, admitting to nothing.

  “Look at you,” Dad says. “When I last saw you, you couldn’t have weighed more than ninety pounds.”

  “I’m almost one hundred pounds now,” I say, smiling proudly.

  “And Sebastian isn’t letting you eat just junk food, is he?”

  “No,” I say, pouting. “He made me have a kale shot the other day. It was disgusting.”

  “Good,” Dad says then looks at Sebastian. “You’re leaving New York now, right?”

  “Yeah,” Bass says, holding up our bags.

  “Good,” he says, then hands me a duffle bag. “I’ve got a few things in here for you guys. Just some money and a few different identities. I don’t know how he keeps finding you, but you guys need to keep running.”

  “We will.”

  “Sebastian, can I have a moment alone with my daughter?”

  “Yeah, I’ll just go take our stuff to the car,” he says, grabbing the bag from my hand.

  Dad doesn’t say anything until Bass is out of sight.

  “How are you doing, really?” Dad asks.

  “I’m fine,” I say.

  “You look like you’ve been crying.”

  I shrug. “It’s just stupid girl hormones. Don’t worry.”

  “It’s not… too stressful?”

  “No,” I answer. “I mean, there was this scary moment in Korea, but mostly it’s just been a whirlwind of spending half of my time on an airplane and trying to remember what my name is that week.”

  “And what about Sebastian?”

  “I don’t know,” I answer, looking down. “He’s… good at his job.”

  “Is he treating you well?”

  “He has his moments,” I answer. “Sometimes, he treats me like I’m a princess. And other times, he treats me like
I’m a burden. I guess I can’t blame him. He never gets a break from me.”

  “You want me to go with you?” Dad asks. “I can send Sebastian on a different assignment.”

  “No,” I answer, taking a deep breath. “Look, Bass knows me. He knows me better, probably, than I know myself. When we were in Korea, we got separated, and Bass found me. He just knew where I’d be—in a huge city. Nobody can protect me better than him.”

  “Okay,” Dad says. “I love you, Serenity.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Dad turns from me, and I look to see what he’s looking at. Sebastian is standing there. I wonder how long he’s been there.

  “Sebastian, take care of my daughter.”

  “Always,” Sebastian says. “I’d give my life for her.”

  “I know,” Dad says. “That’s the only reason I am leaving her with you right now.”

  Dad gives me one last hug, and then he turns around, leaving me there with Bass.

  Bass comes up and puts his arm around me.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “I’m fine,” I say.

  “Would you tell me if you weren’t?”

  “Probably not,” I answer.

  “We’ve got to work on that,” he says.

  “How about this… you start being honest with me about your feelings, I’ll start being honest with you about my feelings,” I say.

  He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he just grabs my hand and we walk towards the parking garage.

  I love how my hand fits in his.

  I love how I feel when we touch.

  I also hate it. Because it’s just a reminder of everything I will never have.

  When we get into the car, I turn on some music immediately, turning it up so we don’t have to talk.

  I look at the GPS in the car. It says eighteen hours.

  Great.

  “I thought we didn’t use GPS,” I say, turning down the music slightly.

  “It doesn’t make a difference,” Bass says. “My dad seems to find us no matter what. Besides, I like to live dangerously.”

  True.

  I turn the music back up.

  It’s going to be a long day.

  Sunshine State.

  It’s strange to wake up, having gone to sleep with the temperature in the teens and snow on the ground, and be somewhere warm enough that we have the windows of the car rolled down.

  Seventy-eight degrees.

  Ah.

  I’ve missed Florida.

  I lean closer to the window, breathing in the smell of salt water.

  After leaving New York City, we headed south. I got to go through some pretty cool places I’ve never been—DC, Virginia, North and South Carolina and Georgia. We’ve been driving on the coast since we crossed the Florida line.

  “You seem content,” Sebastian says.

  “I am,” I say, glancing over at him. “Florida is home.”

  “I’m surprised you feel that way, after everything that happened to you here.”

  “I’ve always loved Florida. We have the best sunsets,” I say. “And the best thunderstorms. It’s not fair to blame the state for all the horrible things my mom did.”

  “Kidnapper,” he says. “Not your mom. Your mom was a nice lady.”

  “You remember my mom?” I ask.

  “I do,” he says. “I remember you when we were younger.”

  “But I was four when we left,” I say. “I don’t even remember my mom. Or you.”

  He shrugs. “All I know is I could never forget about you.”

  “Wait, so did you know me when we first met?” I ask. “Like, did you know it was me?”

  “Yeah,” he answers.

  “Then why were you so mean to me? I mean, if we were friends when we were younger,” I say.

  “I figured if I was mean to you, you wouldn’t want to be friends with me,” he says. “It works with most people.”

  “Actually, if anything, you hating me made me like you more,” I say. “You were my first enemy. Well, technically, you weren’t my enemy. I was yours. But I was excited that you didn’t like me.”

  “That’s really weird,” he says.

  “I’m a weird person.”

  “True. And you’re a girl. Girls always say they want a good guy, but they always go for the bad boy.”

  “Sebastian, no offense, but you are not a bad boy.”

  He raises an eyebrow.

  “You try to be,” I say. “And you’ve got the whole—I’m-a-spy thing going on. But you’re nice.”

  “If I was nice, I wouldn’t make you cry,” he says.

  “You don’t make me cry,” I say, completely denying it.

  “Then why were you crying this morning?”

  “I wasn’t,” I say. “I had a bug in my eye.”

  I turn to look out the window, not wanting Sebastian to see the lie that is clearly written on my face.

  I’m a bad liar.

  “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m not sure what I did to make you cry, but I know it was my fault.”

  I smile, turning to look at him. “You know, you’re not a good liar either.”

  “I’ve been trained to lie. I’m the best liar,” he says.

  “Maybe to a stranger, but not to me,” I say. “I’ve literally spent every single day with you since August. Five months, Sebastian. And during most of that time, it’s been just me and you. You can’t lie to me.”

  “Okay, maybe I know why you cried,” he says.

  “I didn’t mean to cry,” I say. “I didn’t want to cry. I hate feeling weak.”

  “Crying doesn’t make you weak,” Sebastian says. “I’ve told you before, and I mean it, you’re the strongest person I know.”

  “What I went through is nothing,” I say. “You’ve spent your life running away from your dad, who was hunting you.”

  “Running,” he says. “You were caught by a monster. What I went through is nothing compared to you.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” I say. “It’s over now.”

  “It is,” he says.

  “And we’re going to take care of your dad,” I say.

  “I will take care of him,” he says. “For me. For my family. And for you.”

  “Is your family safe?” I ask.

  He nods, but I notice how white his knuckles are on the steering wheel. “Yeah. You’re dad keeps in contact with my mom. Once a week. He always sends me an email letting me know how they’re doing. They haven’t had to move since this whole thing started. I guess my dad has turned his attention from her to you.”

  “We’ll make it safe for everybody,” I say.

  After that, Sebastian turns on some music, meaning he is done talking. And I get it.

  I take a deep breath, inhaling the salt water air.

  I’ve missed this beautiful sunshine state.

  Long day.

  We arrive at our hotel that night around eleven o’clock. We’re in a beach town called Cocoa Beach. It’s too dark to really enjoy the scenery, so we just head up to our room.

  Usually, we have a suite with a living room and two separate bedrooms, but tonight, all they had was a small room with two queen sized beds. Sebastian informs me he is taking the one closest to the door and then proceeds to get a shower. I took a shower this morning, but I want another one after riding in the car all day.

  I fall backwards onto my bed and look up at the ceiling.

  Today was a long day.

  And I know that Sebastian and I should probably talk, but I also know that I don’t have the energy to right now. Honestly, I’m not sure that I will ever have the energy for the talk we’re going to have.

  Sebastian Soto is going to break my heart one day soon, and there is nothing I can do about it.

  Lying on top of the covers, I close my eyes, waiting for Sebastian to get out of the shower.

  I never hear him come out of the bathroom, before I drift off to sleep.

  Tuesday, January
2

  Flirting? Playing.

  Today, I am seeing the ocean in Florida for the first time ever. Despite living here my whole life, and only living five miles away from the beach, I’ve never actually seen the ocean up close before.

  I stand at the edge of the sand, water washing over my feet every time a wave comes in.

  This might be the best day of my life.

  “What do you think?” Sebastian asks.

  I’m pretty sure the smile on my face is the only answer he needs, so instead of answering out loud, I push my leg through the water, splashing him lightly.

  “Don’t start a war you can’t win,” he says.

  Defiantly, I splash him again, this time getting him a little wetter than last time.

  “That’s it,” he says, grabbing me from behind. He pins my arms under his as he drags me towards the ocean. But I think he forgets that he trained me to get out of situations just like this.

  I know I can’t beat Sebastian in a fight. Not even close. So, I don’t know if it’s just luck or if I caught him off guard, but I am able to loosen his arms on me and jump on him, pushing him down into the water. What I didn’t count on was Sebastian grabbing me and bringing me down with him. I land on top of him. Before he can react, I pin him down. He fights against me for a few seconds

  “Oh, my gosh. I did it,” I say. “I actually took you down.”

  “Not for long,” he says, before he somehow maneuvers me under him.

  Great, now I’m pinned.

  A wave comes in, drenching me even more.

  “Sebastian!”

  “Turn about is fair play,” he says.

  While he’s celebrating his success, he drops his guard, so I roll us over so I’m on top again. This time, he’s the one who gets wet from the wave.

  “Serenity, I am going to hurt you.”

  “I’d like to see you try,” I say, then let go of him. I get up, walking several feet away so he can’t get to me.

  He gets up and I see the mischievous sparkle in his eye. I take off running down the beach with him on my trail. If this were a few months ago, I wouldn’t stand a chance, but from our rigorous training, I’ve gotten pretty fast. It takes him a few hundred feet to catch me. He ends up knocking me down, but catches me before I fall face first into the ocean. He pulls me back up and doesn’t let go until I’ve steadied myself.