by Amity Hope
“And you know how Seth is,” Gabby continued on, “he never talks about anything remotely personal. I mean, I know he used to with you. But with us?” She shook her head. “That just doesn’t happen.”
I found myself wondering if that happened with Caitlin. If he opened up to her the way it had taken him years to open up to me. That ugly feeling of envy coursed through me again. I tried to shake it off. I had no right to feel that way.
She stopped talking as she narrowed her eyes at me. “Do you still like him?” Her tone was soft and curious.
I shook my head. “What? No. Not like that. I mean, that would be ridiculous, right? I don’t even know him anymore.” I wasn’t about to point out that he didn’t seem to be remotely interested in even being friends with me. There was no doubt in my mind that anything beyond that wasn’t an option.
“I’m not sure anyone knows him anymore,” Gabby said. “After his mom left he—”
“Joanne left?” As soon as the words came out, they made perfect sense. It would explain the lack of holiday decorations and why I hadn’t seen any sign of Joanne or Lily coming or going the last few days. And yet, it made no sense at all. While I wouldn’t blame her for going, in fact, I’d commend her for it, it was still hard to imagine it happening. The Joanne I’d known wouldn’t have dared to go to the grocery store without permission. But maybe she’d finally had enough. I could see that. What I couldn’t see was leaving Seth behind.
“Yeah, you didn’t know that?” Gabby asked.
I shook my head. “I had no idea.”
“She took off sometime before school got out, sophomore year,” she explained.
I’d lost touch with her and Alyssa by then. Dad and I hadn’t chatted all that often. When we had, it had been strained.
“She took Lily with her?”
Gabby nodded.
I turned in my seat, letting my gaze sweep out over the parking lot. How could Joanne take Lily with and leave Seth behind? I tried to think back. Lily must’ve been three, maybe four at the time. Of course she’d taken Lily. But why was Seth still with Bart?
“Harper?” Gabby asked, cutting into my thoughts. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said as I tried to brush away the troubled feeling. “I’m fine. I’m just surprised. I thought Seth and his mom were close. His dad…” I faded off because the words I would use to describe his dad were words that would make my own parents scowl at me.
“I’ve never met him. But I’ve heard from Brent that he’s a complete jackass,” Gabby offered up.
“Yeah, he is,” I said. Maybe that explained Seth’s mood. I’d be perpetually unhappy too, if I’d been left behind with Bart Ryerson.
“Ready?” Gabby asked as she reached for the door handle.
I nodded. “Let’s go.”
She had said that she and Seth weren’t as close as they used to be. While she was adamant that the Seth I described wasn’t the Seth she knew, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know what to think. It was possible that neither of us really knew him anymore.
CHAPTER 5
A few nights later I found myself walking up the sidewalk to Caitlin’s house. Gabby and Alyssa were chattering in front of me. Originally, they’d planned on showing up with their respective boyfriends but at the last minute, plans changed.
Logan had an outdoor rink at his house. Several of the guys had gotten together to play an evening game. So of course, they were running late. My friends had called, asking if I’d mind picking them up on my way. They were just going to meet Logan and Mason at the party.
I’d been relieved because I hadn’t wanted to walk into Caitlin’s alone.
When we reached the front door, Gabby opened it and we followed her inside. The party was not what I had been expecting. I had thought it would be wall to wall people, blaring music and on its way to becoming completely out of control.
Instead, as I glanced around, I realized there were less than a dozen people upstairs. Music was coming from somewhere. It had been years since I’d been to Caitlin’s house but I assumed the music was coming from the basement.
I followed my friends as they made their way through the house.
“There aren’t a lot of people here,” I said to them as we spilled into the kitchen.
“I want to be able to have fun. I don’t want to have to babysit anyone. That’s why my parties are invite only,” Caitlin said from where she stood, leaning against the countertop. The area had bottles of soda and alcohol scattered across it.
She was wearing a short skirt and tight top. Her long hair was curled into ringlets. She looked even more perfect than she had the other day at my house.
A guy that I didn’t recognize stood next to her with his back to us. He glanced over his shoulder briefly when Alyssa said, “We invited Harper.”
“We knew you wouldn’t mind,” Gabby added.
“But if it’s not okay,” I started, “I could leave. I don’t have to stay.”
Caitlin shrugged as the guy handed her a drink, one he had apparently just mixed for her.
“Of course you can stay,” she said. “Just don’t cause any problems.”
As if I would. I fought the urge to roll my eyes.
Gabby stepped forward, sliding her arm around the waist of Caitlin’s personal bartender. “Harper, this is Mason.”
“Hey, Harper,” he said.
“Hey,” I said back.
I realized he wasn’t even looking at me as he spoke. His gaze seemed to be pinned on Caitlin who was sashaying past me. Just before she disappeared out the door, she motioned to the makeshift bar. “Help yourselves.”
Mason looked like he wanted to help himself to Caitlin. I glanced at Alyssa. She made a face and rolled her eyes, clearly thinking what I was thinking. Gabby fisted her free hand into the hem of Mason’s shirt. I didn’t know if she truly hadn’t noticed the way he practically craned his neck to watch Caitlin leave or if she was simply pretending not to.
“I didn’t think you’d be here yet,” she said when she finally had his attention.
He shrugged. “Just got here.”
“Is Logan here?” Alyssa asked.
Mason nodded. “Yeah, he and Seth headed downstairs already.” He motioned to the counter. “Why don’t you all grab drinks and come on down?”
“Sure,” Gabby said. He disentangled himself but darted back in, kissing her indecently.
Alyssa quietly made a gagging noise that was mostly drowned out by the sound of the music. I looked at her and she shook her head.
“We’ll be down in a minute,” Gabby said when Mason pulled away.
He winked at her and then sauntered past us.
“Okay,” Gabby said as she eyed up the bottles, “what are we having?”
Minutes later, we made our way downstairs. There were maybe two dozen people scattered around. It was crowded but not as crowded as I’d hoped. I had hoped for a crowd big enough to get lost in.
Caitlin and Seth were impossible to miss. Or maybe it was just me. Maybe I was hyperaware of them. They were standing against the back wall. They looked completely lost in whatever they were discussing.
“HARPER!”
My name was bellowed from across the room and I realized someone was charging toward me.
“Logan,” Alyssa announced with a giggle.
He tossed one arm around Alyssa’s shoulders, the other around mine. I could smell alcohol on his breath. He grinned at me and said, “Well, hello gorgeous!”
His outburst had grabbed a lot of attention. From across the room, Seth noted us with a scowl. Caitlin slid her hand across his cheek, redirecting his attention back to her.
“Hi, Logan,” I said around a laugh.
He turned his attention away from me to leave a slobbery kiss on Alyssa’s cheek. Her pale complexion flushed a deep red but she laughed, clearly happy.
*****
“What are you drinking?” Seth asked. He pulled my cup out of my hand so he could peer inside.
“Water,” I said a bit defensively. I was bracing myself. If he mocked me for it, I wouldn’t have been surprised.
It was shortly after midnight. I was ready to leave and had been bringing my glass into the kitchen, looking for the garbage. Alyssa and Logan, Gabby and Mason, had all made a few too many trips into the kitchen for mixed drinks. Alyssa had just informed me she was staying the night, along with everyone else. She’d told me I was welcome to stay too. Spending the night at Caitlin’s was not something I was going to seriously consider.
For the most part, I’d had fun. It was nice to catch up with Logan. He and Alyssa were actually pretty cute together. I’d spent most of my time with them. But finally there came a point where I felt like I was the only sober person in the whole house. Luckily, Dad had given me a twelve-thirty curfew, an extension of my regular curfew, so I could bring in the new year.
Now that the new year was here, it was time for me to go.
“I need you to drive me home,” Seth said as he handed my glass back to me. He looked pissed off by his proclamation. I was a bit pissed off by it too.
I took my glass from him and headed toward the kitchen.
“Harper,” he called.
I heard him following me but I didn’t look back. The overflowing garbage can was sitting by the door that led into the garage. I dumped out the rest of my water and then carefully placed my plastic cup inside.
“Are you going to give me a ride home or not?”
“Not,” I said as I tried to push past him. He hadn’t spoken to me all night. Now he was demanding a ride home?
He reached out, looping his fingers around my bicep, stopping me in place, reeling me back in so I was face to face with him.
“Why should I give you a ride?” I asked.
“Because I was supposed to get a ride from Mason. It was his turn to be the DD but now he’s trashed and he’s not going anywhere. I need to get home, okay?”
“Okay,” I said as his fingers loosened up. “Do you think you could maybe ask nicely?”
“Harper,” he said, his tone cool, “would you please give me a ride home?”
I wanted to make some sarcastic comment. Perhaps remind him that I shouldn’t be trusted to drive on the icy roads. I thought better of it. Things were tense enough and I didn’t want to add to it. Instead, I decided to play nice.
“Yes, I’ll give you a ride. But I’m leaving as soon as I tell Gabby and Alyssa goodbye,” I said as his grip slipped off me completely.
“Seth,” Caitlin said quietly as she came up beside him. “You don’t have to go. You can stay here.”
“I have practice in the morning,” he said as he turned to face her.
She snaked an arm around his waist and pulled him off to the side. He didn’t look back at me so I took that as my cue to leave the room.
I found Alyssa sprawled out on the couch. Her head was on Logan’s lap as he finished off his beer.
“Hey,” I said as I crouched down beside her. “I’m going to leave.”
She cracked an eye open to peek at me. “Why don’t you stay?”
I shook my head. I had no reason to stay. I was fine to drive. But more than that, I wanted to go home. I had already told Seth I’d bring him home. If he ended up staying here, with Caitlin, this was the last place I wanted to be.
“Nah,” I said. “I’m going to head home. I’m going to get going.” I glanced around. “I was going to say goodbye to Gabby but I haven’t seen her.”
Alyssa made a face as she pointed toward the staircase. “She went up with Mason a little bit ago.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Okay then, I guess I won’t be telling her goodbye.”
Alyssa smiled. “I wouldn’t recommend it. Are you sure you don’t want to stay though?”
“We’re sleeping down here,” Logan offered up. He grinned at me. “You can sleep with us. We’ll make room.”
Alyssa rolled her eyes.
I hoisted myself to my feet. “I’ll pass but I’ll talk to you tomorrow Alyssa.” I headed to the front door. I stood there for what felt like forever though it couldn’t have been very long. I was debating whether I should go back into the kitchen to check in with Seth or not. I wouldn’t have put it past him to change his mind while not bothering to let me know. I pulled out my keychain, used the remote start to warm up my vehicle, and silently thanked Dad for such a great gift.
A short time later Seth emerged, Caitlin in tow.
“Ready?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said.
“Thanks, Caitlin,” I said as I worked up a smile for her.
“Sure,” she said back. Then to Seth, “Are you sure? I could drive you in the morning?”
He shook his head. “I have to be there early. Do you know how early you would have to get up to drive me to my house so I could get my equipment and still get to the rink on time?”
“Okay,” she said with a sigh. Her eyes flicked to me and then flicked back to him. She looped her arms around his neck. Whether she pulled him in for a hug or a kiss, I wasn’t sure because I’d spun around. I tugged the door open and let myself outside. Seth followed only seconds later.
I was cursing myself for feeling the way I was feeling. I hadn’t even been back a week yet and I was completely crushing on him. Worse yet, I had no reason to be feeling this way. I was cursing my traitorous heart because considering the way he’d been acting towards me, he was the last person I should be feeling this way about.
I heard his footsteps crunching along behind me in the snow. He followed me to my Jeep, not saying a word. Not that I said anything either. I wasn’t sure what to say. Once we were inside, he turned up the radio and leaned back in his seat. At least he had the decency to leave the station alone. But still, his intention was clear. He wanted nothing to do with me. He was only riding with me because I was his only option.
I backed out of the driveway and headed back through town. I dared to dart a few glances at him. He was staring straight ahead, out the window. Either he was ignoring me or he really wasn’t paying attention. I wasn’t sure which. I was just very aware that he didn’t so much as bother once to look my way.
By the time we were halfway home, I couldn’t tolerate any more of his silent treatment. I turned the radio off. I was sure that I heard him sigh. Or groan.
“So you and Caitlin?” I just had to ask.
“Are none of your business,” he tonelessly answered.
Fair enough, I thought, because they really weren’t. I decided to try a different topic.
“How’s the hockey season going?”
“Fine.”
“I think I’m going with Gabby and Alyssa to the next home game. I miss watching hockey. My school in Florida didn’t have a team.”
My words were met with silence. I glanced over at him. He had his head turned, staring out the passenger window into the darkness.
I let a few beats go by, wondering if I should just give up. He clearly wanted me to. On the other hand, why should I? I chose my next words carefully.
“I was sorry to hear that your mom left.” I wanted to add on, I’m even sorrier that she left you behind. Furthermore, I wanted to press for more information. I wanted to know why she’d left, why she’d taken Lily, and why he hadn’t gone too. I didn’t dare.
“Also, none of your business.”
I forced my tone to become obnoxiously bright. “So, how are you Seth? How are things with your dad? Oh! Wait!” I interjected before he could. “Again, none of my business?”
“Exactly,” he said. He swung his gaze around, allowing it to rest on me for only a second before turning to look straight ahead. “My life is none of your damn business.”
We were coming to a stop sign. I slammed on the brakes harder than necessary. My vehicle skidded a bit on the icy road before coming to a stop.
“What was that for?!” he demanded as he turned in his seat to face me.
“What the hell is your attitude for?!” I
countered. I could have gone but there was no other traffic in sight so I just sat there, facing him too. The lights of the dash illuminated his face just enough for me to see that he was scowling at me. “I don’t get it,” I went on. “Why are you being such a jackass?”
“I’m a jackass? Why? Because I didn’t trip all over myself like everyone else did when they found out you were coming back?”
“No. Because you’re being rude. And condescending. And…and just flat-out mean! That’s what makes you a jackass!” His tone hurt almost more than his words did. When I’d thought about seeing Seth again, this was not at all how I’d thought it would go. Of course I wanted him to be happy I was back. At the moment, I would’ve settled for ambivalent.
“Not everyone has to be happy that you’re here! Did you think you’d show up and everything would be like it was?” he demanded.
“If you mean did I hope my friends would still be my friends, then yes. That’s exactly what I thought.” My tone was unapologetic as I stared him down in the darkness. I tossed my hands into the air. “You don’t have to be happy that I’m here. I get it, you’re not. But the least you can do is treat me with some decency. You wanted a ride, fine. I’m giving you a ride. I didn’t expect you to act grateful but it would be nice if you could at least be civil.” My voice cracked on the last few words. I swung my head back around so I wouldn’t have to look at him anymore. Without another word, I pressed the gas.
My heart suddenly felt squashed, flattened, lifeless as a spider smashed by a shoe.
I was embarrassed that my voice had become choked up. I was horrified that my vision was suddenly blurring with tears. When Seth had acted like a jerk at his house, I was able to blow it off. I tried talking myself into thinking I’d misinterpreted his attitude. But tonight? His attitude toward me was perfectly clear.
He didn’t want me here. Not just here, next to him. He didn’t want me back in town. He’d obviously be happy if I was still in another state.
That realization hit me hard. I was mad and my feelings were hurt, possibly childish of me to admit to, but it was true. As we drove along in silence, I was cursing myself for turning off the radio. Now, I was sure Seth could hear as each breath caught in my throat. I discreetly lifted my hand to swipe at the tears that had leaked out and were trickling down my cheeks. Then I turned the volume back up. Not as loud as it had been, but hopefully loud enough to drown out my humiliating sniffles.
