by Amity Hope
“It’s okay,” I said, though it clearly wasn’t. “It’s going to be okay.” He collapsed against me as I slid my arms around him. I continued on with nonsensical words, words that were meant to comfort but no doubt fell short, if he even heard them at all. His body was like a stone in my arms, rigid with tension.
“I think he’s dead. I…” His words became nearly unintelligible as he told me he tried to find a pulse and there wasn’t one.
“Are you okay?” I asked. “Did he hurt you?” I moved away from him slightly. Now that I was this close, I could see blood splattered across his shirt. I hoped it wasn’t his.
“He said he found my mom.” The words were forced out between labored breaths. “He said he found her. He had a gun and he said he found her.” He opened his fisted hand. A crumpled piece of paper was in his palm.
With trembling fingers I took it from him. I straightened the crumpled up page. An address was scrawled across a piece of notebook paper.
“I didn’t mean to do it,” he finally uttered as he pulled a hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean to. It just went off. I swear it just went off!”
I didn’t know how much time passed before I felt Dad’s hand settle onto my back as he knelt down beside us. He had the Ryerson’s kitchen phone in his hand. “I’ve called the police,” he said quietly. “And my lawyer.”
From that moment on, the night turned into a chaotic blur. The police arrived with the ambulance only minutes behind them. Stuart, Dad’s lawyer, arrived immediately after.
Seth was led into the living room where they questioned him. Then they drove him to the police station where they questioned him through the night.
The bruising from one week prior was still evident. I turned in my phone because it held evidence of Bart’s abuse. Seth was able to direct them to a file in his parents’ room. It held medical bills.
Lily had received stitches the day before Joanne had disappeared with her. Joanne had suffered a miscarriage several years prior to Lily’s birth. Further investigation stated it was due to a supposed fall off of a ladder while cleaning out rain gutters. Seth swore that the fall had never happened at all. Another bill for Joanne showed that she’d suffered a concussion only a few months later. One bill, dated three years ago was for Seth, a fractured wrist attributed to a fall down the staircase. That was a fall that I knew never happened.
He gave detailed descriptions of how each injury had actually occurred.
The injuries over the course of several years had not drawn attention. Yet, when they were stacked together with Seth’s confession and his current, battered state, they looked damning.
I made a statement as well. First, telling of what I’d seen that night three years ago. Next, I told them that I’d witnessed Mr. Ryerson slamming Seth’s arm in the door and holding it there. I told them about the bruising I’d seen both in the distant and more recent past.
The address, it turned out, was for a place that didn’t exist.
*****
Three days later, Caitlin showed up at our door. Up until that point, no one had been allowed over. Contact with my friends had been minimal.
“You have to let me in,” she said. “I can’t go to school today until I know how he’s doing.”
I stepped back, allowing her inside. “Seth’s sleeping.” Or at least, I hoped he was. Paula had managed to get a prescription for sleeping pills. He’d taken one the night before and had disappeared into Dustin’s room. He hadn’t come out yet this morning. I was debating whether or not to check on him when she rang the doorbell.
Dad was downstairs, having taken another day off of work.
“We can go up to my room.”
She followed me up and I closed the door behind us. She looked like she hadn’t slept for days. Her hair was falling out of her ponytail. Her eyes were shadowed with dark circles and they were bloodshot and swollen. She made her way to my bed and edged onto it, scooting back until she hit the wall. I followed her action, moving until I was sitting next to her, legs crisscrossed, waiting for her to say something.
“You wouldn’t believe the rumors going around,” she said. Her cerulean blue eyes were watering and she dabbed at her nose with a tissue. “Is he okay? Is he in trouble? What’s going to happen? You have to tell me something. I’ve been going crazy not knowing. Everyone is. All of his friends are so worried about him.”
“I don’t think he’s in any trouble,” I started. “At least, he isn’t right now. Unless something changes, and I can’t imagine what, I think he’s going to be okay.”
The relief that flooded across her face was a feeling I was familiar with.
“What can you tell me? Brent said he was questioned. He and Seth had gone to the batting cages with Logan and Mason. Then they just bummed around town and finally decided to go get a pizza. He said Seth seemed fine. He was actually in a good mood by the end of the night. And then, then Brent brought him home and…” Her voice shook and she cut herself off.
“Right. Brent dropped him off. When Seth went inside, Bart was waiting for him at the kitchen table. He told Seth that he’d found Joanne. He had a gun resting next to him on the table. He told Seth that he’d found his mom and he was going to take care of her ‘once and for all’.”
I left the part about myself out because I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. Bart had told Seth he’d take care of Joanne once and for all unless Seth could get me to keep my mouth shut. It was an argument they’d been having a lot lately. It was the reason Bart had cut him off from seeing me. He’d hoped by shutting me out of Seth’s life, he’d be edging me out of their personal lives altogether. Only that night, he’d decided to take it several steps further: Seth was to either ensure that I kept my mouth shut, or he would go after his mom.
If he told Seth I’d been there earlier in the evening, Seth never mentioned it. I had told the officer that had interviewed me that I’d been there. I told him that I’d told Bart I wanted him to let Seth stay with us. I’d reiterated the threats he’d made against my dad. He’d asked what state of mind I thought Bart was in. I’d told him cold and callous, the same state he was always in, as far as I was concerned.
Dad had corroborated my story. He’d told the officer about the conversation that we’d had hours before the shooting.
Caitlin blew her nose again and I continued with the details I’d learned.
“Seth said he panicked when he saw the gun. All he could think about was his mom. He lunged for it. They fought and it went off while they were fighting over it.”
“So it was self-defense?” she asked. “Because that’s one of the kinder rumors going around.”
“It wasn’t even that, really,” I said. “It was just an accident. He didn’t mean to do it.”
A memory of the kitchen flashed through my mind: Overturned table, shattered glass, broken chairs…I shoved the memory away before it pulled out things I couldn’t bear to see.
Caitlin’s voice was tear-drenched when she spoke again. “Thank God Seth is okay. It could’ve just as easily gone the other way.”
I’d had that very same thought countless times. I couldn’t think about it too long because it was far too close to being a painful reality.
“I know,” I said on a shaky breath.
“So he’s not going to be charged with anything?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Not at this point. He didn’t do anything wrong. There was no way they could prove it was anything other than an accident. Brent had just dropped him off. They were out with Logan and Mason before that. They all said Seth seemed perfectly normal that night. Not nervous or angry or anything else that would indicate that he planned to go home and—” I couldn’t say the words. “Bart’s gun safe was open, he had the paper with the address on it. Seth told them about the things Bart had done in the past. When he was able to provide proof, it was hard to dispute. There’s really nothing to charge him with.”
She blew out a breath as a pained expression set
tled onto her face. “I can’t believe I didn’t know. Here I was, thinking I was such a good friend to him the last few years. And until you told me, I didn’t know. How is that even possible?”
“Believe me, he hid it well,” I admitted. “There were times that I was sure that I did know and he managed to convince me otherwise.”
“Do you think his dad really would’ve gone after Joanne?” she asked.
“Seth thought he would and he knew his Dad better than anyone.”
“So is Joanne coming back? I heard the funeral is today.”
I shook my head. “Bart didn’t really find her. He had a paper he was taunting Seth with. It turned out to be nothing. A fake address but Seth had no way of knowing that.”
“So he was just messing with Seth’s head?” she asked.
“Pretty much,” I agreed.
“I can’t believe he’s been living like that, all these years. I knew he hated being at home. I thought maybe his dad had a drinking problem. Or that they just fought all the time. Whenever I’d ask he’d just say his dad was a bastard and leave it at that. I didn’t push for more of an answer because I don’t get along with my parents either. But neither of them are anything like Bart was,” she admitted.
Silence filled my room for several long minutes. Finally Caitlin lifted her gaze to me again.
“How is he doing?” she asked.
“Honestly? Not good. Not good at all.” Looking back, I realized he must’ve been in shock when I’d arrived. But that had worn off. Hours of questioning had left him physically and emotionally drained. Now, he was vacillating between grief and guilt. I wasn’t sure which was worse and the effect they were having on him was heartbreaking.
“What happens now?” she wanted to know.
I shook my head. “I really don’t know. Dad and his lawyer have been talking to a social worker. He’s a minor until the end of the summer so that complicates things.”
“He can’t just stay with you?” she asked.
“I really don’t know what’s going to happen.” I wished it were that easy.
“The funeral is in a few hours. Is Seth going?”
I shook my head. We had barely spoken about it but Dad had asked Seth if he wanted to go. His immediate answer had been ‘no’. Right or wrong, I was relieved because with half of the town possibly there, I thought that was the last place he needed to be.
CHAPTER 24
Much later that night, I tiptoed down the first flight of stairs, rounded the corner and still tiptoeing, began the descent into the basement.
“Harper?”
I slapped my hand over my mouth, sealing my shriek inside. “Dad?!” I whispered between my fingers.
Now that I was aware he was there, I could see his form resting in his oversized recliner. As I edged closer, the moonbeams cast enough of a glow that I could see he had a pillow and blanket. “Are you sleeping down here?” I asked.
“I just thought…” He trailed off as he glanced at Dustin’s closed door. “I wanted to be here. In case he woke up and needed to talk or something.”
I wasn’t entirely sure that Seth was sleeping. That was the reason I’d crept down here. I’d coaxed him out of Dustin’s room after Caitlin had left. We’d curled up on the couch. I’d put in one movie after another. I was sure neither of us watched a single minute of them. Dad and Paula had spent the day upstairs, giving us some privacy while probably trying to help iron out the future.
After dinner, Dad and Paula had asked to talk to Seth for a little while. Earlier, they’d both gone to his house to pack him some clothes and a few other things he’d asked for.
While they talked, I’d gone up to my room to make a few phone calls. I’d called Gabby, Alyssa and Brent. It was the first time I’d checked in with any of my friends. I knew they were all worried about Seth. I knew that they were all waiting to hear from me. Almost as an afterthought, I’d called Caitlin as well. I didn’t have anything new to say but she appreciated the call regardless.
Seth and I had barely talked at all. Yet, I felt like that was okay.
I hoped he’d talk when he was ready. Right now, I just wanted to be there for him.
“I don’t think he should be alone,” I said to Dad.
“So you were just going to sneak on into his room?”
“Actually, yes.”
He sighed. Under other circumstances, my admission would probably get me grounded. Under these circumstances, Dad simply stared at the closed door for a moment before returning his gaze to me. “Okay. As long as you’re down here, I think I’ll head upstairs.”
He lowered the foot rest and then hoisted himself out of his chair. When he disappeared up the staircase, I softly knocked on the door. Seth didn’t answer me, but I hadn’t really expected him to.
I wordlessly went in and closed the door behind me. I felt my way through the darkness, finding the edge of the bed. I crawled across to where Seth was lying on his side. I edged closer until my front was firmly pressed against his back.
He didn’t say a word but the cadence of his breathing let me know he was awake. I didn’t say anything either. I grabbed his hand in mine as I wrapped my arm around him. Minutes of silence passed. Finally, he raised my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it. Then he returned our clasped hands to where they’d been resting against his stomach.
The silence was calming, a contrast to the turmoil of the last few days. I listened to his breathing for what seemed like a very long time, waiting for it to even out, indicating he’d finally drifted off to sleep.
That didn’t happen.
“He was bluffing,” he finally said. His voice was raspy and low. “He told me he knew where Mom and Lily were. He said that if I didn’t make you stop interfering, he was going to go after them. I should’ve just told him that I would talk to you. But I saw the gun and I just couldn’t think about anything other than getting it away from him. I was afraid that the second I walked away, he’d go after them. I wanted that address to really belong to my mom. I wanted it to be hers so I could go to her. But he was lying because he always lies.”
“You had no way of knowing that,” I said.
“At first when I walked in, it was just sitting there,” he said as if I’d said nothing at all. “Then he picked it up and started to polish it. He was waving it around, saying what an easy little gun it was to use. He said he was looking forward to having a chance to use it and I just lost it. Lily, she’s just a little kid. And my mom, she never did anything wrong. And he was threatening them.”
“I know. You were just protecting your mom and your sister.”
“But I killed him!” he said as his voice cracked. “I killed him because I was stupid enough to believe his lies. I should’ve known better. I killed him and I can’t take it back. Now I have to live with that. Every time I close my eyes…” His voice broke again and his shoulders began to shake.
“It’s not your fault, Seth. I promise it’s not. He never should have had that gun downstairs. He never should’ve done half the stuff he did. So just, just don’t blame yourself. Don’t let him do that to you too. Please,” I softly pleaded.
He had brought torture upon Seth for years, and even now, in his death, he was doing the same.
“I have nowhere to go Harper. My Dad’s parents are around but they would never take me now. I wouldn’t go to them anyway. My grandpa is an ornery old bastard and my dad turned out just like him. When I’m around him I know exactly why my dad turned out the way he did.”
I squeezed his hand in the darkness. “Don’t worry about that now. Okay?”
His body heaved with the weight of his sigh.
“I know he never needed a reason to do the things he did. But I just want to know why, what set him off? I was already doing what he asked. He told me to stop spending time with you and I did.”
I knew now would be the right time to tell him that I’d gone to see his dad. My intentions had been good. I had wanted Seth to be able to ann
ihilate his demons. Instead, my good intentions paved the path that led him straight into hell.
It wasn’t until that very moment that I realized that I might be the one to blame for this. I set the wheels of this metaphorical train wreck into action. It was because of me that Seth was buried under his feelings of guilt.
I couldn’t have known that my visit would set Bart off. Just like Seth couldn’t have known that his mom and sister weren’t really in danger. And just like Bart couldn’t have known just how strongly his threat would affect his son.
He was suffering so much right then, his agony wholly consuming him. I told myself that confessing wouldn’t make either one of us feel any better. It would only make it worse and neither of us, especially Seth, needed that. That’s what I told myself, that I was doing it to protect him. My conscience bit back, letting me know that really, I was protecting myself.
I wondered then if Seth was right. Maybe the truth really doesn’t set you free. Instead, it might just have the power to destroy everything in its path.
*****
The next morning, I carefully edged myself out of bed. I was grateful that Seth was still asleep because I knew he hadn’t slept well. He’d awakened multiple times. Usually with such a start that it pulled me from sleep as well. Each time, I’d reached for him. He’d held onto me like I was a life preserver in this sea of darkness.
Now, he seemed to be sleeping soundly. He was curled up on his side, the blanket pulled to his chin. I moved quietly through the room and slipped out the door. I heard Dad and Paula talking as I made my way up the steps. I couldn’t make out their words. They both froze, coffee cups in hands, when I appeared in the kitchen doorway.
When they saw it was only me, they both appeared to relax a little.
I glanced at the clock. This was the time I’d normally be getting ready for school. Dad had given me permission to take the week off because Seth was taking the week off as well. Neither of us wanted Seth to be alone right now. I was relieved that I was being allowed to miss school to stay with him. Dad looked like he was just about ready to leave for work.
