by Amity Hope
I’m sorry.
“Harper?” Dad’s voice echoed down the staircase. “I’m home.”
*****
The minute Dad’s voice had shot down the staircase I’d rushed upstairs to tell him what had happened. Dad hadn’t met Seth on the road. He could’ve easily headed the opposite direction, knowing that Dad would be home soon.
I couldn’t help but wonder if taking off had been his plan all along. Or if it had been a spontaneous, last minute, decision.
“How much money did he have?” Caitlin asked.
It was the weekend and my friends had all shown up, full of questions and concerns. I didn’t have much to tell them. He was gone. Just…gone. I had no doubt that he was looking for his mom. In hindsight, the backpack and the cash should’ve clued me in. But it had all happened so fast. I had been too preoccupied by the thought of Mrs. Cooper’s arrival to think he had an ulterior motive for gathering his things. The only item he’d left behind was his cell phone—a clear indication that he did not want to remain in contact. Not only was he gone, but our only mean of communication became irrelevant.
It wasn’t as if he was a criminal.
He was simply a runaway.
Finding him wasn’t exactly a top priority for anyone outside of friends and family.
His outer bruises had been swapped for much deeper bruising. The kind that are so deeply embedded under one’s skin that not only can no one else see them, but they are in danger of never being allowed to heal. Especially if there was no one there to provide the much needed caring and support.
“I don’t know how much money he had,” I said with a shrug. “I didn’t ask. It could’ve been hundreds or it could’ve been thousands.” I was guessing it was in the thousands. Dad was able to find out that he’d gone to the bank while he’d gone out that morning. Seth had emptied his savings account as well as taken the money from his dad’s office. He had told me he’d saved his paychecks for two summers. I had to guess that was a pretty decent amount.
“Wherever he is,” Logan said, “I’m sure he’s fine.”
I didn’t say anything to that. I knew he was just trying to make me feel better. Physically, he probably was fine. Or we would’ve heard something by now. That’s what I continued to tell myself, anyway. But emotionally? He was far from it.
“He wouldn’t just disappear forever,” Alyssa tried to reassure me.
“At least, we hope not,” Gabby muttered.
“I think it’s just bullshit,” Brent said from the other side of the room. “All he had to do was tell someone. I asked him. I asked him a hundred times over the years if something was wrong! It could have all been avoided. But he just made it worse by keeping it a secret. And then to take off like that?! I can’t believe no one has heard from him. I mean, taking off is one thing. Leaving us all here, wondering what the hell is going on, that’s just wrong.” He glanced at the clock and sighed. “I gotta go. I work this afternoon.” He got up and left after a quick goodbye.
“He’s just pissed because he misses Seth,” Caitlin said when we heard the front door close. “Guys suck at handling this kind of thing.”
“No, Brent’s right,” Logan said. “Seth should’ve told someone. This past week shouldn’t have happened in the first place. And after it did? All he had to do was wait it out. That lady? Mrs. Cooper?” I nodded. “You said that she was going to recommend he live with Paula. All he had to do was hang around another ten minutes.”
“He didn’t know that,” Caitlin said, her tone was defensive.
“He wanted to be in control of his life,” I said quietly. “For once, he wanted to be in control. Maybe leaving is the only way he felt he could make that happen.” That’s what he’d told me he’d wish for. I knew that’s why he’d left. His whole life, he’d lived in fear of his dad, controlled by his actions. He didn’t want his fate to be in the hands of a stranger.
“So screw everyone else?” Logan asked, incredulously.
“Logan,” Alyssa said in a warning tone.
“No, I know he was dealing with shit in his own way. But I get what Brent’s saying. This could have all been avoided. He just made it worse when he took off without knowing. And now, here we all are, just sitting around, hoping like hell he’s okay. It is kind of bullshit,” Logan said.
I felt myself bristle, ready to come to Seth’s defense but Caitlin beat me to it once again.
“Logan,” she said, her tone was soft this time, “I think what you and Brent both need to remember is that Seth wasn’t in the best frame of mind when he left. After what he went through, you can’t blame him for not thinking clearly.”
“You don’t know what you would’ve done,” Alyssa said to him, “if this had happened to you. You can’t blame him for wanting to find his mom.”
He gave us all a resigned shrug. “You’re right. I just wish this had gone down differently. He could at least call someone. Let one of us know that he’s okay.”
This time, neither Caitlin nor I had an argument.
Epilogue
Nearly a month passed before Dad made a discovery. He had brought my Jeep in for an oil change. One of his employees realized that the license plate number didn’t match the one on file. A little bit of research confirmed Dad’s suspicions. Seth had swapped his license plate with mine. An obvious precaution to prevent being found.
At this point, the information wasn’t all that useful. But it did confirm that his departure was planned. At least, somewhat.
My eighteenth birthday came and went. Gabby insisted on throwing a small party for me at her house. I let her because sometimes giving in is just easier than arguing. Only my closest friends were there. As far as birthdays went, it was uneventful. All I had really wanted was a call from Seth. Or just a note saying he was okay. I didn’t get either.
That might have been the first day that I let myself think that we might never hear from Seth again. While I tried to understand why he left, I couldn’t understand why he hadn’t contacted anyone. At first, I’d been so consumed with worry that I hadn’t felt anything else. As the days and weeks continued to flow by, my worry became edged with just a bit of bitterness. All we needed was a note. A phone call. A text. An e-mail. Something, anything, to let us know he was okay.
He had to have known how worried we would be. Every time I felt my anger flare, I tamped it down again. I did my best to ignore the fear, the hurt, and the worry. I worked hard at trying to feel nothing at all. The result was what felt like a constant state of melancholy. I often wished I was able to shake away these feelings that I had, scatter them into the wind like dust being shaken off a rug.
Most often, I kept his memories tucked up, safely settled somewhere near my heart. Every now and then, I’d take them out again. I tried to remember the little things. I was afraid I’d never see him again. I was afraid I would forget.
The first gift he ever gave me was a jar full of fireflies. He hated tomatoes but put ketchup on everything. He would never drink his root beer float until all of the ice-cream was melted and stirred in. One of the last things he’d said to me was…Don’t put your life on hold for me….
If only I’d known in that moment what I knew now, as I lay sprawled out on my bed.
A knock on my door cut into my thoughts.
“Come in,” I called, assuming it was Dad or Paula.
Alyssa appeared first with Gabby right behind her.
I pushed a smile onto my face as I sat up and swung my legs around. “Hi. I didn’t know you were coming over.” I had thought that today, of all days, they’d be too busy to bother with me.
“Well, we’re here,” Alyssa said.
“And we have something for you,” Caitlin announced as she pushed her way into my room.
“You were supposed to give us a minute,” Gabby scolded.
“There’s no time for that,” Caitlin said. Her tone was unapologetic and resolute. She crossed the room to me and set what could only be garment bags on the bed n
ext to me.
I groaned. “Oh, no. Uh-uh.”
“Oh, yes,” Caitlin ordered.
“Come on, Harper,” Alyssa begged. “A girl only gets one chance to go to their senior prom.”
“We’re not going to let you miss it,” Gabby said. She was carrying a large tote that I knew contained an unimaginably large assortment of make-up and nail polish.
Caitlin was already unzipping garment bags. “We’ve taken care of everything.”
Alyssa leaned over when Caitlin unzipped the last bag. From it, she pulled out a long, ivory dress. It was the same dress I’d looked at so many months ago.
I started to shake my head. “I can’t…This is a bad idea…I just…” The thought of going to prom had not crossed my mind. Not now. Not when Seth was gone. Not when I should be going with him.
“You can’t stay locked in your room forever,” Alyssa said on a sigh.
“You cannot give up a chance to wear this dress,” Gabby said.
“How…?”
“We showed the dress to Paula,” Alyssa explained.
“She was happy to buy it for you,” Gabby finished. “We picked out shoes to match but they’re downstairs still.”
“Come on,” Caitlin said with a cheery clap of her hands. “We have so much to do!”
“I’m not going,” I said flatly. I was still anchored on the edge of my bed.
“We’re not taking no for an answer,” Gabby told me. “You are not going to sit home alone tonight. You’re just not.”
Alyssa’s tone was softer, almost pleading. “You might have a good time.” When I remained silent, she sat down next to me. “Do it for us? None of us will have a good time if you’re not with us.”
“She’s right,” Gabby said. “We’ve already talked about it. If you don’t go, we don’t go.”
“In fact,” Caitlin said, “we’ll just all spend the evening here instead. With you.”
“What?”
“We won’t have any fun without you. So what would be the point of going?” Alyssa asked.
I motioned to the dresses spread out across my bed. “You already have your dresses. It would be silly not to go. Not to mention, such a waste.”
Caitlin plucked up the ivory dress and gently waved it at me. “Exactly! It would be such a waste. You don’t want to make Paula feel bad, do you?”
“Or us?” Gabby tacked on. “I really don’t want to miss my prom. But I meant what I said, either all of us go, or none of us go.”
*****
Arguing was futile, though I did try. I believed what they said. If I didn’t go, they wouldn’t go either. I did not want them all to miss prom because of me. So, with a resigned sigh, I finally gave in.
Caitlin insisted on applying my make-up. Alyssa cautiously did my nails. Gabby was not satisfied until she had coerced every last lock of my hair into place.
Hours later, the four of us were finally ready.
The dress was even more divine than I remembered. The fit was perfect. The fabric was soft and flowing. When my friends ushered me into my walk-in closet, so I could take a look in the mirror on the other side, I had to admit I was impressed with their finished product. Alyssa had chosen a nail polish in a soft, shimmery, barely-there pink. Gabby had swept my hair up because I almost always wore it down. Caitlin had managed to play up my eyes.
For the first time since Seth left, I felt just a spark of excitement about something. I felt a small smile begin to push its way onto my face.
“Please say that means you approve?” Alyssa asked hopefully.
I nodded as I looked around at my three friends. They all looked beautiful. I would’ve felt awful if I’d taken this night away from them.
“I approve. Thank you,” I said.
Caitlin glanced at her phone and then gave me a tiny nudge. “We should get downstairs. Our dates will be here any minute.”
“Dates?” I echoed. I knew that they had dates. But why had Caitlin been looking at me when she said it?
“I told you,” Caitlin said when she noted my confusion, “we took care of everything.”
“Come on.” Alyssa looped her arm through mine. “They’ll be here any minute.” She took a step toward the door but my feet didn’t move.
“Harper,” Gabby said in a warning tone. “You’ve come this far, you cannot back out now.”
“Please tell me you didn’t get me a date,” I said in exasperation. “I thought I was going by myself. I mean, I thought I was going with all of you. But without a date.”
“Don’t be silly. Of course you have a date,” Caitlin cheerily announced. “You’re going with Brent. As a friend.”
“As a friend,” I mumbled.
“We’re all going together,” Alyssa explained. “As a group.”
“It’ll be fine,” Gabby encouraged.
“Does Brent know this is just a friend thing?” I demanded.
“He knows,” Alyssa assured me.
“Because it was his idea,” Caitlin told me as the doorbell rang.
“Perfect timing,” Gabby declared.
“You two go on down,” Caitlin said. “Harper and I will be down in a minute.”
Gabby looked momentarily offended. Alyssa gave me a cautious smile before taking Gabby’s hand and tugging her out the door.
“Don’t worry about this, Harper,” Caitlin said. Her tone was finally serious. “Seth’s not here. He wouldn’t expect you to sit around alone, every weekend like you have been. Besides, I’m going with Evan as a friend. You and Brent are friends. It’s not a big deal. Right?”
I nodded. She was right. It wasn’t a big deal as long as I didn’t make it one. “Right.”
She took a step toward the door and looked back to be sure I was following. After a moment, and one deep breath, I did.
I could hear everyone’s excited chatter the moment I stepped out of my room. I followed Caitlin to the top of the stairs but then I froze. Gabby and Hunter had already stepped off to the side. Paula was busy taking pictures of Alyssa and Logan. I was sure that everyone would get a turn whether they wanted one or not. Evan, a guy I barely knew, was watching Caitlin descend the staircase. He wore a look of pure awe. As if Caitlin was a goddess and he wanted to fall down and worship at her feet.
Brent was standing next to Evan, silently laughing. His eyes darted from Evan to Caitlin and then to me. I knew he had to be thinking the same thing. He shook his head at the two of them and I smiled. He grinned back and that got my feet moving again.
When I reached the bottom of the steps, Dad appeared. He and Paula both gushed. Paula insisted upon taking a ridiculous number of pictures. When she was finally finished, Brent asked if he could have a minute alone with me. I agreed and we slipped outside ahead of everyone else.
The evening was surprisingly warm for May. The flowers were beginning to bloom, buds were beginning to appear on the trees. It was a reminder that life went on, even if your heart was standing still.
“You look absolutely beautiful,” Brent said as he stood against the porch railing. The look on his face let me know that he meant it.
“Thanks, you look pretty impressive yourself,” I said with a smile. Like most guys, he preferred old jeans and his favorite tee shirts. Seeing him in a tux was taking a few minutes to get used to. He did look impressive. There was no denying that.
“I know I’m not who you want to be with,” he finally said after a few moments of silence. “But I want you to try to have a good time tonight.”
I nodded. “I will. Thank you for offering to take me.”
He shook his head but he smiled. “There was no way we we’re going to let you sit home alone tonight.”
“You know, you could’ve just asked me to go,” I said.
He gave me a knowing look. “If I would’ve asked, you would’ve said no. Gabby was sure the only way you would go would be if you didn’t have any time to think about it. She was right, wasn’t she?”
I wanted to tell him that Gab
by was wrong. But she wasn’t. Instead of arguing, I didn’t say anything.
He turned away from me, placed his hands on the railing and looked out at the yard. “You know, it’s been over a month. No one’s heard a word from him.”
I remained silent because of course I knew.
“At some point, I think we all need to realize he might not be coming back.”
“On the other hand,” I said firmly, “it’s only been a little over a month. I am nowhere near ready to give up on him.”
Brent shrugged as he continued to look out over our front yard. His tone held the bitterness I’d come to expect when he talked about Seth these days. Like the rest of us, we all wished Seth had just waited it out a little longer. Or better yet, we wished things had never gone as far as they had.
“It seemed pretty damn easy for him to go,” Brent accused. “To just take off without knowing if he really had a reason to. Seemed like he had that planned all along. If he hasn’t even bothered to check in, why would he come back?”
My heart wanted to say he’d come back for me. The more vocal, more logical voice, the one in my head, couldn’t deny that Brent might be right. He had a lifetime of bad memories that had been culminated here. Graduation was only weeks away. If he didn’t come back for that, would he come back for anything? The all too familiar feeling of melancholy bled through me yet again. Looking back, he’d clearly been telling me goodbye. He’d told me to move on. He’d told me not to put my life on hold.
“Look,” he said as he pushed off the railing, “all I’m saying is that life is too short to sit around waiting for someone. You need to do what you can. Make the most of it. You know? You want happiness? Go out and get it.”
Before I could respond, the front door swung open and Caitlin glided out. Evan was directly behind her.
“Hey you two,” she said as she eyed me cautiously. “Are we ready to go?”
“Yeah,” Brent said as he reached for my hand.
“Well, then,” Caitlin said with a grin as the rest of our friends joined us, “let’s go make some memories.”
