The door opened, to her surprise. “Good afternoon, madam,” the butler said in his stately manner. “Would you care for tea?”
He helped her with her coat and hat. “No thank you,” Helaina replied. “I believe I’ll just go upstairs and have a rest.”
She crossed the highly polished oak floors, her heels clicking rhythmically as she passed the parlor door. Against her will she looked inside the room. Leah met her gaze and waved.
“How are you, Helaina? I’ve not seen you all day.”
Helaina knew she had no choice but to pause. “I had to tend to business this morning. I’ve been back and forth, actually. I still have no word about the courier.”
“Come join us,” Leah suggested. “We were just talking about our wedding.”
“Will it be soon?”
“Yes. Jayce and I are to be married before we return to Alaska.”
The men seemed rather hesitant to join in the conversation. Helaina sensed their indifference at her appearance. “That’s wonderful news. Congratulations,” she said halfheartedly.
“Timothy is helping us to arrange things through his minister.” Leah smiled at Jayce and added, “It will just be a small private service.”
“I’m sure it will be lovely.”
“We were also discussing our plans for next summer. We all plan to be involved in the expedition,” Leah said. “I never would have believed it, but Captain Latimore said one thing they definitely could have used on this last expedition was a skilled seamstress. I can fit that bill easily. Not only that, but I can act as nurse to the expedition members.”
“She is very good with a needle,” Jacob finally joined in. “She can stitch up garments or men.”
Helaina smiled, but an overwhelming emptiness inside threatened to consume her. “I’m glad for all of you. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” The men seemed relieved, but Leah appeared to be trying hard to make Helaina feel included.
“Are you certain you can’t stay?”
“I’m afraid I’m quite tired. Thank you for the invitation, but perhaps I will see you at dinner.” She edged toward the door the entire time. “Good day.”
She headed upstairs, nearly running the remaining distance to her room. Closing the door behind her, Helaina felt hot tears stream down her cheeks. She felt so displaced. “What’s wrong with me? I’m acting like a fool.”
But inside, she felt as though her world were falling apart. Nothing fit anymore. She longed for something she couldn’t even identify. In fact, when she thought of Jayce and Leah and Jacob just now, she knew they had something that she desired. Their companionship was so rich—so intimate. Yet it wasn’t that alone that left Helaina feeling so empty.
“What is it? What do they have? What is it that I want?”
She moved to her window and pulled back the lacy curtains. Her room looked out on the backyard, and there she found Leah and Jayce walking hand in hand. From time to time Leah would look up and smile or laugh at something Jayce had said. While Jayce . . . Jayce seemed perfectly content to be imprisoned with the woman he loved.
“He must be innocent,” Helaina reasoned. “His conscience is too clear. There is no anxiety in his heart. There can’t be any guilt.”
She let the curtain fall back in place. “But how can he know such peace?”
She thought immediately of Mrs. Hayworth. The older woman would have given her a motherly pat on the arm and said, “There. There. Chaos in life is given by the father of chaos, whereas peace comes from God alone. It’s a special kind of peace that changes night into day and storm into calm.”
Helaina sat down on the edge of her bed. “I don’t know how God can offer peace when He allows such a world of conflict and hurt to go unchecked—unreined.” She shook her head. “He cannot care about me.”
————
“Leah, why did you fall in love with me?” Jayce asked as they walked in Timothy’s fading gardens. “I mean back then—when we first met. What made you so certain that I was the man you would want to take as a husband?”
Leah shrugged. “There was no one thing. If anything, there was one thing that made it impossible for us to be together. Well . . .” She paused and smiled. “There were two things. One was you.”
“Of course,” he said, nodding. “I must have been crazy.”
Her smile broadened. “The other was God.”
“How so?” He enjoyed the warmth of her ungloved hand in his. How small and fragile Leah seemed at times—like now. But he knew her to be fully capable of taking care of herself—of enduring great trials.
“I knew I couldn’t marry you unless you loved God. See, all of my life the people around me had encouraged me to love God and to put Him first. When I finally ended up in Ketchikan with Karen and Adrik, I came to understand the difference in a marriage where God was put first. I contrasted it against my parents, who had a great deal of love for each other but didn’t have that common ground.
“My father was never happy. He was always restless. Always looking for some way to get rich and make his family comfortable. And in this pursuit, he knew nothing but failure and misery.”
“What about your mother?”
“She was a godly woman, her only desire that her children seek God’s purpose for their lives. As she lay dying, she didn’t fear for herself or worry about the end. She cared only for us—that our hearts might be made right with the Lord so that she could one day see us again in heaven.”
Jayce put his arm around Leah’s shoulders. “She no doubt loved you deeply.”
“She did, and that kept me going, even after she was gone.”
“I know what you’re talking about when you speak of how different Karen and Adrik’s life was in contrast to others. See, my parents were God-fearing, church-attending, generous people. But their religion seemed rather shallow at times. When hard times came or something bad touched our lives, they were just as weak and frightened as people who had no place to go—no one to trust,” Jayce said sadly. “I never saw them possess the kind of restful spirit that I saw in Karen and Adrik.”
“That was what most impressed me,” Leah said. “No matter how bad things got, they were always able to rest in the Lord. When you rejected me, Karen encouraged me to find peace in God. She told me over and over how God had a special plan for my life, and that I should never desire for anything but His perfect will. She reminded me that if I belonged to Him and sought to do things His way, I would always know the kind of peace that the Bible evidenced, even when things around me were falling apart.”
“I can’t begin to imagine the pain I caused you,” Jayce admitted. He looked into her eyes as he pulled her around to face him. “I know it doesn’t mean much, but I wish I could go back and relive those moments. I wish I knew then what I know now.”
Leah put her hand to his cheek. “Jayce, I never thought I’d ever say this, but you were right to walk away. I was too young. I didn’t know my own heart. I can’t even believe I’m saying this now.” She shook her head. “I was very immature. For all I’d been through, I was still very focused on myself. When something bad happened, I always weighed it in light of how it affected me—not others. I needed to learn a great deal before I was ready to be your wife. Sorry it took me ten years.”
He grinned. “Are you sure two people who have a history of such poor choices can make a future together—a good future?”
“As long as we put God first,” Leah said quite seriously. “And seek His will no matter our own desires.”
“I know you’re right. The wisdom of God’s Word is definitely in that answer. I will try to be a good and godly man, Leah. But I know I’m flawed. I know there are serious problems in my heart—especially where Chase and my other siblings are concerned. Helaina Beecham doesn’t understand how much I would like to see Chase punished for what he’s done to me. She doesn’t know how easy it would be for me to say yes to her request for me to help her.”
“If that’s what God wants
you to do,” Leah said softly, “then do it. I won’t stand in the way.”
“But I can’t say that it is what God wants. Oh, He wants Chase to stop killing and stealing. He would also no doubt want Chase to pay for what he’s done. But I can’t discern if God is calling me to make it my campaign to hunt him down. I’m not certain about anything regarding Chase, except that this situation cannot be easily settled. I’m afraid it would only end in the death of one, or both, of us.”
————
It was quite early in the morning, but Helaina found sleep impossible. Glancing at the clock, she knew that no one, save maybe the cook, would even be stirring at this unreasonable hour. She dressed quickly and made her way downstairs, hoping that the noise of her door opening and closing wouldn’t awaken anyone else.
She had planned to make her way to what Timothy called the music room. The room was small and quiet, containing a piano that, as far as she knew, no one in the household could even play.
There were two chairs positioned in front of the window. They faced each other and yet gave the occupant ample view to the outside world. Helaina liked it here best. Early mornings were a peaceful time of day, and peace was what she desperately craved. She took a seat in a rather unladylike fashion, curling up in the chair with her legs tucked securely under her.
“Are you hiding out?”
Jacob’s voice nearly sent her flying from the chair to do just that. Helaina quickly repositioned herself, her blond hair settling loose around her shoulders. “What are you doing up? It’s quite early, you know.”
He crossed the room and stared down at her for a moment. “I might ask you the same thing.”
She looked away and shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“Seems to me you can’t sleep a lot these days. You’re up well into the night and then awake equally early in the morning—usually before sunrise.”
“How would you know that?” She tried hard to sound as if his observations didn’t matter.
“I know more than that. You’re losing weight. You’ve hardly been eating this past week.”
“That’s none of your concern.”
Jacob took a seat and crossed his legs out in front of him. He looked quite relaxed—almost as though he intended to be there for some time. “I know something isn’t right. I’ve tried to ignore it, but God keeps bringing it back to my attention. This morning I woke up about the time you started stirring, and I knew I was supposed to come down here and speak with you.”
“How could you know that? Did God suddenly appear to you?” she asked snidely. His calm unnerved her, and Helaina didn’t like that feeling at all.
“I suppose He did, in a sense.” Jacob crossed his arms. “I know you’re quite unhappy. I know you wish for this situation to be over with—for Jayce’s brother to be found and put to trial for all his sins. But I think there’s something else. Something you aren’t even allowing yourself to realize.”
“Who are you to suggest such things?” She narrowed her eyes. “I know you said you forgave me, but why come to me now, all tender and caring? You are a hypocrite.”
“I treated you badly. That much is true. You see, God has always allowed me both the blessing and curse of being able to pretty well know a person from a first meeting.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I can tell if they have good or bad intentions. A preacher once told me it’s called discernment. It’s a gift of God.”
“And when you met me, you knew I was evil—right from the start.”
“No, not evil. I knew you were up to something—something you weren’t admitting. I knew there was more than happenstance that had brought us together. You came with a purpose—an agenda.”
“True enough, but it’s easy to say that now. Now that the truth is known to everyone.”
Jacob nodded. “I suppose it would take something else to make you realize that God honestly cares enough about you to send someone into your life who could help you find your way back to Him. Something that no one else could possibly know.”
“Like what?” There was no way she could believe this game of his. God might know everything that went on, but He didn’t care about it, and He certainly didn’t share that information with anyone else. Why should He?
“I’ve been praying for you for some time now,” Jacob began, “and every time I pray for you, one word keeps coming to mind.”
“And what would that be?”
He met her gaze and didn’t even blink. “Guilt.”
She swallowed hard and tried not to react. “Guilt? You must be crazy.”
“Am I?”
She wanted only to get up and pace the room, but she knew this would be a dead giveaway to how close to the truth he’d struck. “If you’re so confident that I’m consumed with guilt—and if God is the one giving you the information, then by all means share what you know.”
Jacob drew a deep breath. “I believe you feel consumed with guilt because of the death of your parents and husband. I think you blame yourself.”
She began to tremble. “Why . . . why . . . would I blame myself?” She didn’t want to hear his answer, but at the same time she had to.
“Because maybe you were the intended victim? Because you should have been with them—died with them . . . died instead of them.”
Helaina felt as though she couldn’t breathe. She’d never told anyone how she felt about those things. About the truth of how the original kidnapping plot had been intended for her and her alone. She suddenly felt dizzy—her vision began to blur.
“Helaina. Helaina.”
She could hear him calling her name, but she couldn’t respond. She couldn’t see him.
“Helaina, wake up.”
She finally struggled against the grip of darkness and opened her eyes. Jacob stood over her chair, gently patting her face. “I . . . what . . .” She drew a deep breath. Jacob’s words came rushing back to her. There was no pretense of defense left in her. She looked into his eyes, feeling as though he could see every secret in her heart. Surely the only way he could have known these things was because God had allowed him to know them. But why?
“I’m all right,” she told him. She straightened and stared down at her shaking hands. “Anyone could have guessed about the guilt,” she said in a voice barely audible.
“I suppose so,” Jacob admitted, retaking his seat.
“But,” she continued, “only a couple of people knew that the original plot was intended for me.” She looked up against her will. “It should have been me.”
“But it wasn’t, and you find that impossible to live with. Don’t you?”
She nodded very slowly. “I went to Europe on a whim. Robert couldn’t get away, but I wanted very much to go shopping and to see friends. I talked my mother into taking over my responsibilities to host a charity event for the children’s orphanage. It should have been me.”
“But God had other plans, Helaina,” Jacob said matter-offactly.
“I know, and I hated Him for it. How could He be so cruel as to take those I loved and leave me behind? How could He allow those men to kill them? I don’t understand that at all.” She felt the tears begin to fall. “Robert was the love of my life. My mother was my best friend. And my father . . . well . . . he represented security to me well before I even knew Robert existed. They were there one day and then they were gone, and all because some amateur group of thugs decided they could best make a living by kidnapping me.”
“What happened to make them kill your family?”
She could hear the confession of the youngest member of the group. “They got scared when there turned out to be three people in the carriage instead of one. Robert charged the men, and they fired their guns without regard. They were terrified, for they had no plan for what to do past stealing me away and demanding money.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve. “I thought I would die when I heard the news.”
“I think I know how that feels
. When I got word about my father’s death, it was unbearable.”
“I felt so consumed with guilt. Because Stanley was working with the Pinkertons, I was given access to everything related to the file. I even saw photographs that I never should have seen. Pictures that never leave my memory.”
“So you got involved with the law in order to ease that guilt?”
She looked at him and nodded. There was both a relief and a sensation of awe that he knew her so well. Could this really be because God had told him? “Every time I helped put a criminal behind bars, I felt a little bit of guilt slip away. I figured if I did enough—if I got enough people—then the hurt would stop and the emptiness would disappear. But it never has.”
“And it never will,” Jacob said. “Not that way. Only God can fill that empty place. Only God knows how much you hurt—how guilty you feel. Their death wasn’t your fault, but you’re carrying it as though it were, as though if you carry it long enough you might somehow bring them back to life.”
She flew out of the chair and headed straight at him. She wanted to slap him—to silence him. “You don’t understand. You can’t understand. I have to do something. I have to right the wrong.”
He jumped back in defense, then reached out and took hold of her wrists. Helaina crumpled to her knees in front of him. “You can’t make anything right, Helaina. You can’t change what has happened.”
“Then why go on?” She looked up at him as he edged forward.
“Why live—why try?”
“It wasn’t your time to go, Helaina. God has another purpose—another plan for you. I don’t know why your loved ones had to die, but I know that the injustice grieved God’s heart just as much as it grieved yours.”
“Why didn’t He stop it? Why, Jacob? If He cares so much, why does He allow all this evil in the world? All this pain?”
“I don’t have answers for that. We live in a fallen world and men will make bad choices—they will sin without regard to God or man. Why it has to be that way, I really don’t understand either. But I do know that God has not left us as orphans. He promises to be with us always.”
Summer of the Midnight Sun Page 28
