“I don’t know…grab some lunch and shoot some pool, or would you rather hang out with the rich and beautiful.”
I sigh. Aaron is in some ways very similar to Analie. He’s not afraid to say things that he knows are going to get under my skin. He knows that the people I socialize here aren’t the kind I would ever have called friends before. All my relationships are kept on the surface. I pretend to be a different person with my so-called friends because it’s an easier skin to live in than my own, and when things start to get complicated I can just walk away. It may sound dishonest and disingenuous and I don’t like that because I’m not that person. In my heart I crave good friendships, but how can I foster them when I cannot open up and accept what I am…what I did. It hurts that Aaron seems to be insinuating that I’m insincere. “You know I don’t give a shit about those people,” I say. I need my brother to understand that.
“I know, brother. Look, I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Go take a shower and have a cup of coffee and we’ll talk more when I arrive.”
“Okay.” I disconnect the call and do as he says, spending five minutes under the rainfall shower, letting the water wash away the fog of tiredness. Then I make a coffee and take it to back to my room to drink while I’m getting ready. By the time I’m done, there’s a buzz at my door and I let prop my front door open for when Aaron emerges from the elevator. When he arrives I notice the difference in him straight away. He looks lighter somehow, with a bounce in his step and a flush to his cheeks that I haven’t seen in a long time.
“You’ve got the good sex glow,” I tell him. Aaron grins and I shake my head in mock disgust. “Can you keep all your smugness to yourself today, please?”
“Why. You not getting any good sex yourself, Robert?”
“Nobody’s saying that. I just don’t want to hear all about how birds are suddenly appearing and stars are falling from the sky.”
“Ah, The Carpenters. The soundtrack to our childhood!”
“The good old days,” I say, not really meaning it. “Do you want a coffee?”
“Yeah. I’m going to need some caffeine myself to stay awake today.”
I take a mug from a cupboard and make Aaron a coffee just the way he likes it. As he sits at the counter sipping it carefully, I look down at my phone.
Nothing.
Analie still hasn’t called. I don’t want to look desperate but I can’t think straight from worrying about her. I tell Aaron I need to make a call and go to my office for some privacy while I dial her number. It rings out, going to a voicemail message that I practically know by heart and I want to throw my phone across the room with frustration.
I go back to the kitchen and Aaron looks at me quizzically. “What’s going on with you?” he asks. “You didn’t sound yourself on the phone last week and now…” He waves his hand in my general direction. “Now you look tense and distracted.”
“I’m fine,” I say, then I take a deep breath because I don’t feel fine at all. Aaron has come all this way to see me and pretending with him too seems so damn hard. Aaron has always had my back and he’s a good listener when I ever broke my resolve and shared anything vaguely resembling feelings. “Look, to be honest…” I trail off not really knowing where to start.
Aaron waits and when I don’t continue he cocks his head to the side. “You know I’ll always be in your corner, right? Whatever it is.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He sighs and shakes his head. “I keep waiting for you to get it together, Robert, but I don’t see it. How long are you just going to keep existing like this? This isn’t living.”
My throat tightens and I turn my back, resting my hands on the cool countertop. I wanted to tell Aaron about Analie but I definitely didn’t want to get into the deep and meaningfuls about the past. “I’m fine,” I say again but it sounds so weak Aaron makes a disbelieving noise behind me.
“You know, just because you keep saying that, doesn’t mean that it’s true. I can see you’re not fine and I can hear you’re not fine, so cut the bullshit.”
“What do you want me to say?” I ask, turning to face him again.
“Just tell me what’s going on in your life that’s making you look like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
“I met someone,” I say. Maybe if I tell him some things about the present, he’ll leave the past alone.
“Oh,” Aaron says. “And she’s got you looking like someone died?”
“No…yes. I don’t know.”
“She messing with your head?”
I shake my head. “No…at least, it’s not really that straightforward.
“How is it then?” Aaron rests his coffee mug on the counter.
“She’s a really great person…it’s just…”
“Just what?”
“It’s complicated.”
Aaron laughs gently. “When is it not? Look at me and Rebecca. She lives in London for fuck sake and it’s taken us a whole lot of messing about to get to a place where we’ve decided to give things a chance.”
“But you want to, don’t you? I can see the difference in you.”
“Yeah I want to,” he says. “And you don’t?”
I exhale, frustrated with myself and the questioning. “I don’t know. Everything seems so complicated.”
“Like what?”
I shove my hands in my pockets and think about how to explain what is going on with me and Analie. “I met her at a charity event. She’s a psychologist who treats burns victims.”
Aaron nods, a knowing look passing over his face. “And it’s bringing up bad memories for you?”
“No…yes. It’s complicated.”
“We back there again?” Aaron huffs.
“Yes, okay? It’s bringing back bad memories. She was burned as a child and…I feel bad for saying this but every time I look at her, all I can see is the accident again.”
“Ah,” Aaron shifts on his stool and looks at me pointedly. “You know I’ve kept my mouth shut about all that for a long time because I wanted to give you the space to work through things on your own. But you know what? Now I think I made a mistake. I’ve kept quiet and you haven’t worked through anything. You’re wasting your life, Robert. And for what. Because of something that happened so many years ago. This isn’t what Bethany would have wanted for you. If she was looking down at us right now I think she’d be mad as hell that you’re wasting your life.”
His words stab me so painfully it’s like a physical wound. I don’t want to hear anything about Bethany. Not now, not ever, and especially not his opinions on what she’d be thinking right now. The dead don’t fucking think, do they? They rot in the ground and everyone left behind gets to drown in their grief and suffer through their loss. And it never gets any easier, no matter what the platitudes profess. Time doesn’t make any fucking difference.
I look right into my brother’s eyes. “Don’t keep saying her name, Aaron.”
He takes a deep breath and rests his hands flat on the counter-top. The sun is streaming through the floor-to-ceiling windows and in the harsh light, I can see some flecks of grey in his hair and some fine lines around his eyes. We’re getting older, a sudden realization that fills me with dread. Time is creeping forward and I’m getting left behind. I’ve been simply existing for so long I’d barely noticed but now I see we’re on the precipice of middle age and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing that matters anyway.
“It shouldn’t be this hard, Robert,” he says quietly, worry etching his brow. “It’s been so many years. Haven’t you mourned enough? Haven’t you punished yourself enough?”
His low and careful tone does nothing to soothe the rage I feel at his words. “ENOUGH,” I bellow. “You think that time is a healer? You think if enough time passes that I’m simply going to wake up one day and step back into my old life…be my old self again? It doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t matter how much time passes. It doesn’t matter what I do or who I mee
t, nothing takes it away, Aaron. NOTHING!”
My fists are clenched at my sides, shoulders high and tight and I know my face must look fierce because Aaron looks away. I can’t take his pity. This isn’t what I need from his visit. Who the fuck does he think he is, coming into my life and digging around in my wounds?
I can’t stand here anymore and witness the compassion in his expression…the pity. I turn and stride towards the window, taking deep breaths to calm myself. Outside the world functions, oblivious to my pain. Mothers push their babies to the park, traffic passes by with any number of destinations in mind. A solitary bird glides on the updraft, so still, it looks as though it’s suspended from an invisible string. Hanging there like that, it looks a lot like I feel inside; life up in the air, dangling over the line between a kind of fake normality and something so dark it makes me shiver.
Aaron’s stool scrapes the floor behind me and I listen to his feet tap against the floor as he comes to stand next to me. We stare outside for at least a minute as I wait, tense, for his next round of wise words, but they don’t come. Instead, he says, “I’m sorry, Robert. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
And somehow his apology feels worse. “It’s okay,” I say without turning to look at him. “Look, I need to go somewhere. Will you come with me and we’ll go grab some lunch after?”
“Sure,” he says, smiling briefly. It doesn’t meet his eyes.
“Okay, I’ll grab my stuff.” I head to my room, finding a dark grey coat and boots in my closet. My keys, phone, and wallet are on my nightstand, next to the bed that’s still rumpled from my time with Analie. An image of her lying back with her hair spread out around her in soft waves flashes into my mind, accompanied by an aching feeling of loss.
Whatever happened to make Analie run, I’m determined to find out.
11
ANALIE
I’m having one of those days when I’m there in body but not really in mind. I’ve had two appointments this morning, both with clients who are quite far along their journey to recovery, so not too emotionally taxing. When I close the door to the second, I slump down into my chair and sigh. There’s an ache inside me today that I don’t like at all. It’s like a weight has been tied to my heart and is dragging it down.
I look at my phone and see another missed call from Robert. He hasn’t left a message and I’m relieved. One call and no message tells me that he’s getting tired of chasing. I don’t expect him to call again.
The ache inside me intensifies. I touch my hand to my face gently and let it glide across my scar. There was a time in my life when I hated the way I looked. I still flinch internally when I see people staring. I hate the way that a piece of flawed skin is still such a big part of my life when I’ve managed to leave all my negative feelings about it behind.
Or have I?
The emotional reaction I had after sex with Robert was extreme. I imagine what I’d say to a patient who went through the same thing, and cringe. Just because I can give other people sensible advice, doesn’t mean that I’m always capable of holding my emotions in check.
I know that if I’d stayed and confronted Robert about how he’d made me feel that the outcome wouldn’t have been good. I imagine what he might have said. Would he have denied his revulsion at my scar? Would he have lied? Would he have tried to convince me that the way I was feeling was wrong?
Half of me wishes I’d stayed and explained. My rational self. The trouble is that I don’t seem capable of behaving very rationally when it comes to Robert.
And the dream. It’s back and I don’t like it. It’s a sure sign that I’m feeling out of control. I need to discuss it with Benjamin. The pile of topics to discuss at my next therapy session is building.
I settle down to work, typing up my notes into patient files and reviewing my diary for the next day.
A knock at the door interrupts my final task. I’m already thinking about home.
“Sorry, Dr. Taylor.” Alison, the ward administrator sticks her head around the door. “There’re two men here to see you?”
I frown, flicking back to my diary for the day and finding it empty. “Two?” I ask.
“Yes.” She glances over her shoulder and then steps into the room, closing the door behind her. “They ask for you by name, but I’m sorry…I didn’t get theirs…” Allison’s cheeks flushed. “I don’t know who they are, but damn!”
I raise my eyebrows as she shifts from foot to foot. “One of them would be hot enough…but two!”
I sit back in my chair and laugh. “I’m intrigued as to who has you all flustered, Alison.”
“Shall I show them in?”
“Of course.”
I make a cursory attempt at tidying my desk and run my fingers through my hair in an attempt to tidy myself up, smiling at the way my usually unruffleable assistant is well and truly ruffled. The knock on the door is firm. I call for whoever it is to come in and when the door opens, I stand up immediately.
Robert.
The breath leaves my lungs in a whoosh. I’m not expecting him to be here at my place of work, especially after what happened.
He looks good. Too good. Like a GQ cover model in dark jeans, boots and a grey wool coat that has to be designer. His expression doesn’t match his composed appearance, though. His eyes are dark and his lips tight.
“What are you doing here?” I blurt, sounding more defensive that I want to. He turns to close the door quietly behind him.
“What happened, Analie? You ran out on me without saying goodbye. I’ve been trying to call you and you don’t pick up, and you want to know why I’ve come to make sure you’re okay?”
I look down at my desk, feeling a little chastened. A lesser man in the same position would have just given up after the first unanswered call. But that’s not Robert.
“What happened, Analie? Why’d you leave last night?”
I look up into eyes that now seemed softer, but the kindness I see there doesn’t really make any difference. I can’t explain how he made me feel. He denied his reaction to my scaring after our first interaction and has done nothing except prove that his denial was a lie. No matter how earnest he looks, I can’t find it in myself to open up.
“I don’t want to do this,” I say. “It’s all just too damn complicated, Robert. And it shouldn’t be like this, you know? We haven’t known each other long enough to have all this turmoil between us. I think we should just let it be, okay?”
He lets out a shaky breath and pushes his hands into his pockets, appearing more awkward than I had expected from him. He’s a person who always seems to be in control. He has such a strong aura of masculinity, but seeing him standing there, I can see so much vulnerability.
“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, Analie. You left so suddenly after…” Robert trails off and his gaze drops to glance at my body. I know he’s remembering how it had been; so raw and so passionate.
“I’m okay,” I say quietly. “I’m sorry that I left you worried.”
“You’re okay?”
“Yes.”
He shifts uncomfortably in front of me and all I can think is that it’s him who doesn’t seem fine.
“And you’re okay?” I ask.
“Yeah. Fine. Look, I’m gonna go.” He turns and places his hand on the handle. I think he’s going to walk out without a backward glance but instead, he pauses before he opens it. “If I did something to hurt you, I’m sorry.”
A lump forms in my throat and for a moment I can’t move. In a flash, he’s gone, his boots tapping the floor as he strides away.
He’s sorry.
And he’s leaving.
Everything in me screams that this is stupid. That I shouldn’t let him go. There’s a tug at my heart with every step he takes and I’m filled with fear.
I like this man, way more than I should.
I like this man way more than I want to.
I stride towards the door and out into the corridor. Robert is stil
l there talking to another man who glances at me over Robert’s shoulder. They’re alike enough to be brothers and the other man’s expression seems grave. He puts his hand on Robert’s shoulder and steers him down the corridor. As I watch them leave, Robert’s companion looks over his shoulder at me again, then they turn a corner and disappear.
12
ROBERT
Aaron suggests we go to a sports bar downtown for a burger. I drive us to a good place I know with comfortable booths and quick service. We make small talk on the way about mom and dad and their recent trip to Europe. Aaron tells me about a new drug that is being worked on at his firm. It’s one that will help people with a type of chronic autoimmune condition. It’s good to hear about the things Aaron is achieving. He’s had a tough time but definitely seems to be coming through it all.
For a second, I wonder if it would be possible for me too, but then I shake my head. Aaron did nothing to deserve what happened to him. He doesn’t carry the guilt that I do.
I turn my attention away from my thoughts. The traffic is terrible, but that’s nothing unusual. I put a classic rock channel on the radio and I try and lighten my mood by laughing at some of the ridiculous lyrics, remembering the funny music videos filled with big hair and even bigger shoulder-pads.
It’s good to have Aaron here to distract me. When you know someone so deeply and for so long, relationships feel comfortable.
In the bar, a chirpy waitress takes our orders, her eyes lingering on Aaron who seemed oblivious. As she saunters away, swinging her shapely hips, I laugh.
“You know that waitress was giving you the eye.”
“She was?” Aaron looks across the bar to where she’s now standing to wait for our drinks. “She can’t be much older than twenty-one.” He shakes his head.
“Yeah, and she’s pretty damn stunning, and you didn’t even notice.”
“Hey, I like a good-looking girl as much as the next man, but I’m not a cradle robber!”
IGNITE : A BILLIONAIRE ROMANCE Page 6
