by Carmen Reid
The report smacked onto Mr Merris’s desk at 8 a.m. the following Wednesday. The eight days it had taken to finish off had passed in a blur and she had worked like a dog.
Most of the weekend had been spent in her dressing gown at the computer compiling the vast amounts of data needed to prove that her recovery strategies were already working, but could be further improved on. She’d barely seen Don, who had been working late as well.
It had been a grind with momentary flashes of inspiration. She wondered about the future of Merris. They were getting an injection of new money and new talent but she did not know if it was going to be enough to really change the thinking there. And she still couldn’t be as blasé about the court case as everyone else seemed to be. What if the pension holders won? Merris would be forced to make enormous payouts and its reputation would fold overnight.
Mitch crossed her mind. She had more or less told him it was safe to stay, but now she just didn’t know.
On Wednesday afternoon she made her presentation to a surprisingly large audience, not just Merris chiefs but also executives from the new partner company. Her thrust was encouraging but cautious because Merris Group was not out of the woods by a long shot.
She felt horribly self-conscious as she stood in front of them, ridiculously pregnant, bulging at the seams of her foul jersey dress. Could she have been any more of an outsider? Would they take her at all seriously? At the end of the day, that was their problem. She’d done the job she’d been paid to do, she kept reminding herself.
Afterwards, there was a small drinks party, so everyone could shake her hand, ask more questions and thank her for her efforts. Later she was back in her little office, emptying her drawers and packing up, when there was a knock at the door.
Janice came in weighed down with a big bunch of flowers.
‘These are from Mr Merris, with compliments,’ she said, passing Bella the enormous bouquet. The note attached read: ‘Well done, we’d still like you aboard, Tony.’
She was standing in the room, unsure where to put the flowers when there was another knock.
Mitch appeared.
‘Whoa, who is your secret admirer?’
‘Tony.’
Mitch looked blank.
‘Tony Merris.’
‘Oh. Really? I’m impressed.’ Then he added, ‘I’m sorry you’re leaving, mainly because all hell is going to break loose here now. I hope.’
‘Yeah, I hope so too. It needs a good shake-up, but there’s going to be lots more room for good people like you.’
‘I hope so.’ Then Mitch voiced the concern she expected: ‘Do you still think I should stay?’
‘I can’t answer that. It depends who’s doing the reorganization, I’ve asked them to bring in a lot more new talent. And I’m still worried about the court case . . . if they lose, that’s a lot of money.’
‘Hmmm.’ He didn’t give anything away. ‘Well anyway, I’ve got you a present.’ He handed her a squishy, wrapped parcel.
‘Oh you shouldn’t have, now I’m really embarrassed because I haven’t got anything for you.’
‘It’s for the baby,’ he added. ‘Open it.’
She unwrapped a small, perfectly adorable, blue velvet frog.
‘It squeaks and it’s machine washable, dads know about that sort of thing.’
‘Thanks very much.’ She was surprised to feel tears pricking at the back of her eyes. ‘How’s your wife?’ she asked.
‘She’s doing good, she’s very tired because she’s got two other little people to run after all day and the baby. But she’s well and we’re really glad to have got a girl.’
There was a brief silence; they smiled at each other, comfortable with the pause.
‘Give me your card, Bella. I’ll keep you in touch with what’s happening here.’
‘Of course.’ She dipped into her bag and handed him one.
‘Well all the best then,’ he said and they shook hands warmly.
‘Take care,’ she said as he left the room.
So, that was about it. She’d packed up, she’d said her goodbyes. She buzzed reception to get her a cab, then headed out of Merris laden down with bump, bags, laptop, briefcase and the flowers.
As she flopped into the cab seat, Bella took one last look at the revolving swing doors and impressive marble front. She swallowed down the urge to cry as the taxi moved off.
Friday night was much more emotional.
She went out with Susan, Chris, Kitty and Hector for dinner and they made baby jokes and lovely appreciative noises about her all night long.
Finally, as dessert and coffees arrived to the maelstrom of empty wine bottles and overflowing ashtrays on the table, Chris made a jokey speech about her which ended with a silly poem. Everyone collapsed in pissed-up giggles. Fortunately, Kitty brought out a large parcel from under the table.
‘Open it,’ she urged.
Bella cleared a space and undid the wrapper. Inside was a small mountain of exquisite baby clothes: orange and blue velour babygros, beautiful striped and decorated jackets, rompers, tiny suede shoes, a multicoloured hat with ear-flaps and a bobble and a mobile of little stuffed clowns on ribbons.
‘Oh my God,’ she said quite overwhelmed. ‘You found all these lovely things.’
‘Me and Susan,’ said Kitty. ‘Took a whole afternoon.’ That surprised Bella, she tried to picture Susan in a baby shop.
‘Oh thank you, thank you so much.’ Bella looked up at each of the four faces in turn. ‘This is absolutely wonderful. I’m going to cry now.’ And she did. At first able to stem the flow with her napkin, then needing to bury her head in Kitty’s shoulder for a serious howl.
‘Oh God, this is so embarrassing,’ she said when she surfaced. ‘It’s the hormones, I’m starting to go completely mad.’
It was after midnight when she finally kissed them all good night and climbed into a taxi to go home.
Lights were on in the flat and she hoped Don had waited up for her. He was leaving early tomorrow morning on another foreign assignment which he’d promised would be very short as the due date was getting close now.
‘Hi,’ she called out, opening the front door.
‘I’m in here,’ he answered and his voice sounded incredibly serious. She walked into the dark sitting room, noticing two large holdalls next to the front door as she passed.
Don was sitting on the sofa in silence, no TV, no music on. He didn’t look up at her as she came in. ‘I’ve just found out about the baby,’ he said.
‘Hello?’ she said, wondering what the hell he meant. ‘I thought I told you months ago. What on earth do you think this bump is?’
‘I’m just so angry with you. How could you do this to me?’ He looked round at her now and she saw he was furious.
‘What are you talking about??’ she asked, totally confused.
‘Well, let me explain,’ he said. I was having a quiet evening in with not much to do and I happened to see your maternity notes on the shelf. I was just curious, didn’t see any harm in reading them . . . didn’t have any idea I’d be uncovering your big secret.’
‘What do you mean?’ she asked, feeling very nervous now.
‘Well, either someone’s made a mistake, or you intended to get pregnant all along, without bothering to tell me.’
He thrust the booklet out at her and she could clearly see the tick in the ‘planned’ box. She also saw the handwritten note beside it, ‘Folic acid taken for four months before conception.’
‘Four months before conception,’ Don read out. ‘And it never occurred to you, for one moment, to even mention this to me?’
‘Jesus,’ she whispered. That all seemed so long ago now, she’d completely forgotten about it. ‘Can I try and explain?’
‘No. Not right now. I’m too angry. I always thought there was something strange about you having an accident.’ He stood up and rounded on her: ‘How could you lie to me about this? Why couldn’t you just trust me, like I’ve alw
ays, always trusted you?
‘It’s so manipulative,’ he added furiously. ‘You’ve got it all figured out, haven’t you? And I’m just supposed to fit into your big plan.’
‘No. Don, I’m sorry, I just didn’t think you’d want to . . .’
‘No, you know what? I’ve got to get out of here. I can’t listen to this right now,’ he cut in. ‘I’m going to get a cab over to Rod’s and we’ll go to the airport together in the morning.’
He stood up and walked past her to the door.
‘Don!’ she pleaded, she put out a hand to stop him, ‘Don, please—’ but he brushed her off and went into the hall. He picked up his bags, then walked out without another word, slamming the door.
She slumped down onto the floor, burying her head in the parcel of baby clothes she was still holding, and wept.
Chapter Nineteen
THE NEXT MORNING Bella woke late but felt relieved that at least she had something planned for the day – her first antenatal yoga class.
She felt a lurch of fear whenever she thought about Don and needed distraction from the situation. When it was time to go, she packed her mobile into her bag, just in case he should ring, and drove off to the address she’d been given.
It was a small church hall. In the vestibule she saw a row of socks and shoes leading to an open door where a group of women, many just as pregnant as her, were chatting.
She took off her trainers and socks, and went through to join them.
‘Hello, I’m Bella,’ she said when everyone looked up at her, ‘and I definitely can’t put my feet behind my ears.’
Lame gag, but there were smiles and hellos back. This felt very strange. It occurred to her that she had not hung out with other pregnant people before.
The teacher, a slim, wiry-haired woman, took her details and they settled down for the class. They ‘breeeeeeeathed’ a lot, they stretched, they practised relaxation techniques and Bella felt that at last she’d found a way to slow down and stay still.
When the two hours was over, she felt calm, happy, rejuvenated. The teacher passed round drinks and biscuits and everyone chatted about babies, birth plans, breast feeding. She suddenly felt fascinated by it all, by the reality of this whole pregnancy state.
‘I’m Red by the way,’ said the extraordinary-looking woman sitting next to her and Bella said hello, finding it hard to take her eyes off her. Red had skin the colour of chocolate caramel, liquid brown eyes with a halo of gold round the pupil and wild, corkscrew dreadlocks which were unexpectedly ginger.
‘When’re you due?’ Red asked.
‘In three weeks,’ Bella answered.
‘Oh me too . . .’ Red cupped her hands round the enormous bump Bella somehow hadn’t noticed. ‘Not long to go, thank God.’ Red added, ‘My feet are almost totally flat!’ They both smiled.
Back in the car, Bella feeling serene and full of happy, pregnant, yoga thoughts, tried Don’s mobile.
It rang for a long time, then diverted to message: ‘Hello, Don,’ she said. ‘It’s me, I’d really like to talk to you. I’m so sorry about this. Call me . . . bye.’ She clicked off the phone, disappointed.
By bedtime, she was really disappointed. She’d left another message and he still hadn’t phoned back.
By Sunday morning, she felt totally depressed. There was still no reply on Don’s mobile. She lay in bed and couldn’t face anything, not even making breakfast. She just lay still, staring at the ceiling, wishing she could fall asleep again.
When she finally dozed off, she drifted in and out of dreams of Don and Don holding babies. An insistent hammering and shouting was punctuating the lovely dream; she tried to ignore it and hang onto the image of Don beside her with their baby. But the picture faded and she gradually woke up to the realization that someone really was hammering at the door and calling her name.
‘Bella!’
‘Bella, are you in there?’
‘Are you OK? For God’s sake, Bella!’
She levered herself slowly out of bed and waddled to the door. She opened it up to see Tania standing there, looking exasperated but hugely relieved.
‘Thank fuck for that,’ Tania said, ‘I thought you’d died or gone into labour or something . . .’
Bella stared at her.
‘You weren’t at the house. Or answering any of your bloody phones. And I knew you were alone this weekend and . . . when I saw the curtains shut, I just panicked.’ Tania was beginning to feel embarrassed now.
Bella was still staring at her.
‘The house at twelve. We were supposed to meet there.’ Tania held up her hands in total exasperation.
‘Were we? Oh God, I completely forgot,’ said Bella listlessly.
‘Pregnancy, look what it’s done to you?’ Tania was teasing now. ‘You’re in bed at 1 p.m., you look absolutely awful and now you’ve lost your marbles.’
‘Yeah, and maybe my husband,’ Bella added.
‘What!’ Tania followed her into the flat and shut the door. ‘What the hell’s happened?’ she demanded, steering Bella into the sitting room.
‘We had a huge row. Well, actually. . . we didn’t. He’s just stormed off on a work trip and not called. I don’t know what’s going on,’ Bella said, wondering why she felt so numb.
‘You seem really strange, Bella, are you OK?’
Bella could feel a wave of pins and needles move over her face. She parted her lips and whispered, ‘I think I’m going to . . .’ before she swayed dangerously. Somehow Tania managed to move Bella backwards into the sofa before the full weight of a fainting eight-month pregnant woman felled her.
Trying desperately hard not to panic, Tania looked at her friend, lying unconscious and deathly white with her huge stomach moving ominously.
She heaved Bella over onto her side and opened up her buttons. Vaguely remembering something about feet needing to be up, she propped several sofa cushions under them. Then at a total loss, Tania stroked Bella’s damp forehead and told her it was going to be OK. Bella’s eyelids began to flicker.
‘Bella? Can you hear me?’ Tania asked.
‘Yes,’ came the whisper.
‘Are you OK? Are you in any pain?’
‘No, I’m fine. I think I need something to drink.’ Bella still wasn’t opening her eyes.
‘God, you’re scaring me,’ said Tania. ‘Do you think we should phone for an ambulance?’
‘Give me a moment, then we’ll ring the midwife.’
This reassured Tania slightly, so she brought Bella a glass of water and held her head as she sipped it down.
Once Bella was able to sit up, Tania made her drink milky, sugary tea and halfway through the mug, Bella realized she was ravenously hungry, so Tania made her toast slathered in butter. As Bella ate and drank, she started to feel better. She rang Annie, who promised to come and check on her later in the afternoon.
When Tania started to quiz her about Don, Bella, somewhat shamefacedly, confessed to the whole ‘accidental pregnancy’.
‘Is that such a big deal?’ her friend asked.
‘Well, yeah really. Obviously,’ said Bella.
‘What do you want to do now?’ Tania asked.
‘I want to sort it out, I need things to be OK between us again.’
‘Is there other stuff going on?’ Tania asked.
Bella gave a deep sigh and tried to put the vague unease she’d been feeling lately into words: ‘I think he’s still a bit terrified of all this. Marriage is one thing, but a mortgage and fatherhood is scaring the shit out of him. And I’ve been really preoccupied, with work, with the baby . . . with all this house move stuff. I haven’t really noticed what’s been going on with him or with us.’ After another sigh, she added: ‘You know Don’s dad left when he was tiny. I’m terrified that’s what he’s programmed to do, on some level.’
‘Bloody hell,’ said Tania. ‘How are you going to fix this?’
‘I’m not really sure,’ Bella answered. ‘But I’m going to h
ave to try.’
Tania smiled encouragingly at her.
‘Would a cigarette be totally out of the question?’ Bella asked, still horribly pale.
‘Yup, I’m afraid it would,’ Tania answered.
‘Will you smoke one for me, then?’
‘Well OK, but I’m opening the window and you can’t sit right next to me.’
‘Spoilsport.’
On Wednesday morning, Bella got up very early, put on the most glamorous pregnancy outfit she could muster and drove to Heathrow to meet Don’s 7 a.m. flight, which was, of course, delayed. She wandered round Terminal 3 in a tired daze. With her current bladder situation, drinking a string of café lattes was not an option.
Checking herself over in the bathroom mirror, she was instantly depressed at how enormous she looked, not even her groovy get-up could detract from that. In fact the outfit looked bloody ridiculous, a brightly coloured sarong, high-heeled ankle boots, ouch, and a low-cut clinging top, what was she thinking?? Over this she’d slung her one fantastic item, a brand new mock croc brown leather coat.
She’d gone to town yesterday intending to buy baby things, but it had been way too gloomy. It made her want Don with her even more. They should be choosing cot blanket patterns and types of pram together. So, she’d tried to cheer herself up with the coat.
When the plane finally landed, she stood at the arrivals gate feeling the nerves from hell and scanning every face that went past.
At last she saw him striding along, bag and coat over his shoulder. He was talking to someone else. Damn! She’d forgotten he wouldn’t be alone. She couldn’t decide whether to wave or wait until he got closer. Then he spotted her and a look of surprise crossed his face.
‘Hello Bella! What on earth are you doing here?’ He sounded matey, jokey almost. He leaned over and pecked her cheek and she couldn’t say any of the things she’d planned, because his colleague was being introduced to her now.
‘Rod, this is my wife Bella.’
‘How d’you do?’ said Rod, shaking her hand.
‘Hi,’ she answered. ‘Good trip?’
‘Yeah,’ they both replied.
