by Carmen Reid
‘Oh God.’ Bella flooded with guilt.
‘I can’t get him to drink out of the bottle. Well, no more than a few sips. He won’t even take water. I’m worried he’ll dehydrate in this heat.’ Joanne sounded rattled.
‘What about the survival instinct?’ Bella said. ‘I thought babies were programmed to eat or drink something when they were hungry.’
‘You’d have thought so,’ said Joanne.
‘He’s not going to starve himself to death without me, is he?’ Bella asked.
‘No, I don’t think so,’ said Joanne. ‘But he’s going to have some very uncomfortable hours waiting for you to get home.’
‘Oh God,’ Bella said again.
‘Look, things will probably be much better in a week or two. We can’t give up yet.’ Joanne’s sensible and reassuring tone kicked in. ‘Why don’t I make you a cup of tea before I go? You must be tired.’
‘Thanks,’ said Bella. Yes she was tired. Sunk deep into the sofa, she wondered where she was going to find the strength to get up.
An hour later, with Markie cuddled up to her, dozing and feeding on and off, she knew she did not have the strength to move. She ordered in a Chinese takeaway from the phone beside her and clicked onto a TV news channel to wait. She was planning to eat dinner, have a bath with Markie in his carrycot beside her, then go straight to bed with him. Sod the work she’d brought home from the office.
She’d decided Markie should just sleep and feed next to her all night, it might let her get some more sleep than switching on the light, getting him out of his bed for a proper meal of both breasts then trying to settle him back down to sleep, which always took ages.
Her head hit the pillow just after 9 p.m., ridiculously early, but she felt as if she was finally crawling to bed at 2 a.m. after a hard day’s work and a night on the town.
It was a very disturbed night. Don woke her up when he came to bed at midnight. Markie then seemed to wake her almost hourly to feed.
Finally at 6 a.m., there wasn’t any point in pretending to be asleep, so she decided she might as well get up. She looked at her husband, so sound asleep in bed he didn’t even stir, then picked up her baby and headed to the sitting room. Together, they watched the news and had breakfast.
By the time Joanne arrived, Bella was ready, made up, hair up. She had changed into her suit at the very last minute in case of baby vomit. Don was still in bed.
‘Just ignore my husband wandering around,’ Bella told Joanne. ‘He’s probably got a late start or something.’
‘Markie looks happy today,’ said Joanne, seeing him gurgling on the sitting room floor.
‘Yeah and he’s full of food, because he’s been stuffing his face all night.’
‘Oh dear,’ said Joanne. ‘That’s a bit hard on you.’
‘Hmm. There’s plenty of breast milk in the fridge for you to try with today. And he needs a change and some new clothes. I just haven’t had the chance, or the energy,’ she confessed.
‘OK, off you go. We’ll be fine, don’t worry about us.’
Bella picked her son up and kissed and held him. ‘Goodbye sweetheart, see you soon.’
As soon as she put him down again, he began to cry.
She left the house with a wrench.
Chapter Thirty-six
BELLA CALLED HOME on Friday morning and could once again barely listen to Joanne for the sound of her son’s raw howls in the background.
All week Markie had cried for most of the time she wasn’t at home. He was refusing to drink anything at all now and she had the eeriest feeling when she came home at night that he was withdrawing from her. He seemed to turn away, he wasn’t looking at her for as long, he merely ate and slept when she was around, he didn’t seem to want to interact with her and he hadn’t smiled at her since Wednesday.
Joanne sounded tense and harassed now, she obviously no longer knew what to do to try and distract this baby from his misery.
‘Why don’t you bring him in to see me?’ Bella asked now. She knew it was not a good idea, not a practical one, but she hoped that somehow they could all wring some relief from it. Markie and Bella could have some breastfeeding time, then Markie would sleep all afternoon because he was full and Joanne would have the distraction of a day trip to the office.
‘Yes, why don’t we do that?’ Joanne sounded quite cheered up at the prospect.
At 1 p.m. on the dot, Bella was buzzed by reception and she told them to show her visitors up. She’d warned Hector, who had gone off for lunch early so she would have some privacy.
Joanne arrived with Markie strapped up in a baby carrier.
‘I hope you don’t mind me using one of these, buggies are such a hassle on the tube,’ she explained as she came into the room.
‘No, no,’ said Bella.
‘Very nice office,’ Joanne added.
‘Yes. I’m on assignment here. How’s he doing?’ Bella looked anxiously over at the little head she could see at the top of the carrier.
‘He’s fallen into a doze, he’s so exhausted with crying, but I’m sure he’ll wake up at the prospect of lunch.’
‘This is just terrible,’ Bella told her.
‘He’s so attached to breastfeeding,’ said Joanne. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it. You should have had him on the bottle from the off. Most women going back to work so soon do that.’
‘But breast milk is so good for them. No-one ever warned me that this might happen.’
Bella took her son from Joanne’s lap. His hair was plastered against his head with sweat and his babygro was damp. His face looked flushed.
‘He’s a bit hot, Joanne,’ Bella said, cradling him in her arms.
‘It’s very hot outside and I got hot on the journey. Sorry, I should have thought of that,’ she replied.
Markie stirred against Bella and instinctively latched on. As soon as he started to suck properly, Bella felt herself relax. Maybe Joanne could bring him in every lunch break? Maybe that would be how they could get through the next few weeks. Surely that was all it was going to take for him to get used to the bottle, get used to this new set-up where she wasn’t around for most of the day?
She felt the heavy weight of guilt in her heart as she looked at the little cheek moving up and down just a few inches from her face.
Markie fed from both sides slowly. When he was finally stuffed full, he broke off. Bella looked at the white dribble of milk running down his chin. He was fast asleep. She stroked him tenderly on her lap. It felt such a betrayal to be sending him home asleep. He would wake up and not even understand where he had been and where she had gone.
She hooked up her bra and tucked in her blouse. There was a knock at the door.
‘Come in,’ she said, assuming it was Hector.
The door opened and she was horrified to see Tom Proctor, the group FD she’d had sacked from AMP last year. The one who’d phoned her up just to tell her she was a cunt. God, she still remembered that awful conversation word for word.
‘Well, well, it is you again.’ There was no hiding the contempt in his voice. ‘I didn’t think I could be quite this unlucky but there we go, once the shit has hit the fan, it gets everywhere.’
She didn’t see why she should reply to this.
‘Having a little crèche meeting, are we?’ he asked with a sneer.
‘No actually, there isn’t a crèche at Danson’s.’ How dare he try and make her feel guilty about seeing her son. ‘Are you going to be working with us, Mr Proctor?’ She tried to make this sound civil.
‘I bloody hope not,’ he replied. ‘I’m going to do all I can to get you parasites drummed out of the building.’
‘And what is your position here now?’ she asked, trying to keep the panic she felt out of her voice.
‘Yes, I bet you’re bloody anxious to know that, aren’t you? But I think I’ll keep you guessing Mzzz Browning. So watch your back.’
With that he slammed the door and was gone.
&nb
sp; Bella looked at Joanne and caught the appalled expression on her face.
‘Don’t worry about him,’ she said, trying to hide how shaken she was. ‘He’s an arse. I’m sure if he was in any position to get rid of me, he’d have said. He’s just trying to rattle me.’ She hoped this was true.
We have a contract with them, we have a half a million pound contract, she was reminding herself.
It was time for Joanne to leave. Bella kissed her baby on the forehead and handed him over, feeling like a traitor. Joanne buckled him back into the carrier and he was in such a deep, satiated sleep, he didn’t even stir.
‘See you later,’ her nanny said, gathering up her things and heading for the door.
‘Bye and thanks for bringing him.’ Bella watched the door shut behind them and suddenly felt a little weak and wobbly.
Her mobile began to ring, so distractedly she went over to her desk and picked it up, just as Hector came back into the office from lunch.
‘Hello,’ she said into her phone.
‘Hello Bella?’ She didn’t recognize the voice.
‘Yes, who’s that?’ she asked.
‘No, I don’t suppose you’d remember.’ It was an American accent, clipped and cold.
‘Mitch! How are you?’ she said fondly.
‘How the fuck do you think I am? I’ve just been sacked. Merris lost the court case and the company’s been bought over by a bunch of money-grabbing vultures. No-one is to blame for this more than you and I can’t believe you didn’t warn me.’
She was stunned.
Mitch continued furiously: ‘I asked you Bella, I came to your office to see you. I told you I had a baby on the way. Surely you could at least have warned me?’
Bella felt as if she had been slapped in the face or winded and all the fight drained out of her.
She didn’t want to spout all the usual stuff – that the company was going down the pan, that Mitch would have lost his job anyway, that she had been Merris’s only chance. Maybe Mitch was right, maybe she had cocked it up for them all. Most of all, she knew she did not want to be the one taking all this shit all the time.
‘Haven’t you got anything to say?’ he asked.
‘I’m sorry,’ she mumbled, ‘I didn’t know.’
‘Yeah, well it’s a bit late for sorry. It’s a bit fucking late for that.’
There was a long pause.
‘Is that really all you can say?’ he asked, even more furious that she wasn’t giving him the chance for a proper fight.
‘Yes,’ she whispered.
Mitch hung up.
‘Oh fuck,’ she said under her breath.
‘Who was that?’ asked Hector.
‘Someone from Merris Group. He was a bit upset,’ she mumbled. ‘I didn’t know they lost the court case.’
‘Yeah. It was big news a couple of weeks ago,’ Hector answered. ‘Never mind. You should have just given him your famous line – sod off to the country and restore antique furniture,’ Hector said with a laugh and was astonished to see Bella bursting into tears.
‘Oh come on, Bella, get it together,’ he said, ‘or people are really going to think you’re not up to the job.’
Stung by the remark, she knew at once that Hector didn’t think she was up to it and she wondered who else he’d told.
Hiding in the Ladies, she lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. OK, she told herself, two more hours of work then I’m out of here. Maybe Markie won’t even have woken up. But when she rang home on her mobile on the way out of the office, the loud screaming in the background told her otherwise.
‘Hang on in there, Joanne, I’m getting into my car, I’ll be back in forty minutes.’
Except she wasn’t, she got stuck in a long traffic jam full of angry overheated drivers blaring their horns and swearing at each other. Her breasts were hard and hot and oozing milk onto her sticky, sweaty shirt. She clicked the button to pull up the roof of her car so she could cry without attracting too many stares. What a complete, fucking nightmare of a day.
Finally she got home and collapsed on the sofa with her baby.
Joanne fetched cold drinks from the kitchen, while Markie sucked frantically. ‘I’ve made us something to eat,’ she said, handing Bella a tall iced fruit juice.
‘Oh thank you.’ Bella felt pathetically grateful. Joanne had tidied the sitting room as well, despite her earlier warnings about refusing to do housework. No wonder, it had been revolting, dustballs building up in the corner, takeaway dishes from four nights in a row.
Bloody Don, shouldn’t he be helping with some of this? Instead he’d come in late every evening and she’d been away before he was up in the morning.
Bella nibbled at her luscious chicken sandwich crammed with slithery tomatoes and mustard mayonnaise and occasionally glanced over at Joanne eating hers. There wasn’t much to say. Joanne had had a terrible day, Bella was shattered. They were both hoping things would work out better next week.
‘I really appreciate how hard this is for you at the moment,’ Bella said. ‘I hope it will get easier.’
‘Me too, we’ll wait and see how it goes,’ Joanne answered.
Soon after her sandwich, she left and Bella and Markie were alone.
Bella stroked his cheek and cuddled him close to her. Propped up on pillows on the sofa, she fell fast asleep with Markie in her arms.
It was 10.30 p.m. when he began to cry. Her eyes opened and she was momentarily startled to see an unfamiliar ceiling and set of curtains, then realized she was in the sitting room.
She looked at the baby snuggled up against her chest. His face was pink and marked with the folds of her clothes and he was bathed in sweat from sleeping so close beside her. There was also a tell-tale feeling of wetness on his back, oh yuck, she could see yellow goo seeping out of his nappy. She decided to take him upstairs where they could both peel off for a bath together before bed.
By contrast, the next day, Saturday, was perfect. Once Don had surfaced from his lie-in, he looked after them both. He did the babysitting, cooking and tidying. Markie was calm and contented all day, he ate well, he slept for long stretches, leaving Bella free to lounge around the house and relax.
She lay on the sofa, watching sunlight stream into the room and she felt pleased with how lovely it looked, snowy white with gauzy curtains stirring in the breeze and big pools of light on the elegant blond floor.
By Sunday morning, she felt so calm and rested that when the call came for Don to go off on a job for a day or two, she took it in her stride. She considered phoning Red or Tania for company, realizing that she hadn’t spoken to Tania in weeks. But somehow, the day passed and she didn’t get round to it. Funny how the idea of phoning Mel, Lucy or Jaz seemed almost ridiculous now. What would they talk about? Her old friends wouldn’t be at all interested in Markie.
She played with her son, dangling things above his head and watching him reach out his little hands. He was so surprised with his hands, he opened and closed them in amazement and startled when they moved back and touched him. Bella watched him with utter devotion and he rewarded her with long, adoring looks and the occasional fluttering smile. By Sunday night, she knew she did not want to go back to work, could not go back for another week like the one they had all suffered.
The work for the next month at Danson’s was basic figure analysis, there was no reason why she couldn’t do it from home. Hector could e-mail it all over to her daily. He could call her whenever he needed to, hell they could have a meeting every couple of days if necessary, but basically, she would be at home.
She could feed Markie whenever he was hungry and Joanne could look after him while she worked.
The more Bella thought about it, the more perfect a solution it seemed. Why hadn’t they arranged this from the start? Just naivety. She hadn’t know what a nine-week-old baby was like and neither had her office.
It was time to let them know.
Chapter Thirty-seven
ON MONDAY MORNING
, Bella put on her work suit and high heels and headed for the office. She thought she might as well stick with plan A until everyone knew about her plan B.
In the car at 8.05 a.m. she decided to try Susan before she drove into the morning traffic. She dialled her direct line.
‘Hello,’ came the reply, before a second ring had sounded.
‘Susan, hello, it’s Bella.’
‘Oh hello, Bella. I’ve been thinking about you. How are you coping?’
‘I’m fine, sort of. Have you got any time today? Lunch or after work when we could have a quick meet?’
There was a pause, Susan no doubt checking her overstuffed diary for a bite-sized chunk of opportunity.
‘No, I’m totally booked up. You’re speaking to me in the freest moment I’m going to have all day.’
Oh well, here goes, thought Bella, taking a deep breath.
‘I’m going to suggest doing my share of the Danson’s work from home for the next few weeks. I haven’t spoken to Hector or Danson’s yet, I wanted to clear this with you first.’
No response. Bella thought she’d better just carry on: ‘Hector and I can communicate by e-mail and phone and we’ll have regular meetings. I really don’t think it will pose any problems.’
‘What’s brought this on?’ Susan asked.
‘Well, I have a full-time nanny, but my son is still unsettled, really upset about me being away all day, Susan. He’s still breastfeeding and he needs me around.’
She tried not to sound too emotional as she said those words.
Utter silence from Susan. Bella waited a moment then began to wonder if she should say something else.
Finally Susan spoke. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘I have lots of other things you can do for me from home, Bella. But if that’s where you want to base yourself for the time being, Hector will do the Danson’s job on his own, closely supervised by Chris.’
Bella couldn’t believe it. She was stunned, too shocked to do anything but gasp for breath.
‘Does that sound OK?’ Susan said lightly.
‘No it bloody well does not!’ Bella was surprised at the anger in her own voice. ‘Hector!’ she exclaimed. ‘I can’t believe I’m hearing this. This is a half a million pound contract, which I won for you, remember. I have given up a whole month of maternity leave to come back and work on it and all I’m asking for is a little bit of flexibility here. Hector is the most junior person in the office, he was my assistant on the job.’
