by Carmen Reid
Bella stood rooted to the spot.
‘I think it will give us both some time to think things through and work out where we go from here,’ he said.
‘No, it will not give me time.’ She was furious with him for this. ‘It leaves me stuck with the baby 24 hours a day.’
‘So, maybe you’ll finally sort out some childcare,’ he shot back.
‘And just where are you planning to go?’ she asked.
‘To Mike’s place, he’s got a spare room, it’s fine with him.’
How dare he sound so calm about this. ‘How is moving to a bachelor pad with your mate going to solve our marital problems exactly?’ she demanded.
‘Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you shagged your boss,’ was his furious reply. ‘I don’t think solving problems was top of your agenda last night, was it?’
‘Well, it certainly solved a few problems,’ she shouted back.
‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Oh never mind . . . just walk out Don, just turn your back on me and on your son. Go on, just pack your bags and leave – I hope it makes you feel a whole lot better. You’re just selfish and immature and totally unable to deal with any responsibility.’
‘What about you?’ he shouted back. Markie was staring at them without making a sound. ‘You’re such a control freak, you can’t trust anyone else to take care of our son, yes our son. . . not even me . . . no-one else is good enough. What are you going to do, Bella? Look after him every single day until he’s torn from your arms to go to school?’
‘Just shut up!’ she screamed. ‘Just shut up and leave us alone.’
‘I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to see him. You are not going to take him away from me, Bella.’ Don’s voice was more controlled and threatening now.
He turned out of the room and headed upstairs, leaving Bella to collapse into the chair beside Markie.
The baby was laughing now, this had all been a big dramatic show for him, not a frightening scene.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered to him, picking up the spoon and feeding him some more. ‘I’m so sorry.’ Tears were pricking her eyes but she didn’t want to cry until Don was out of here.
Ten minutes later, she heard him in the hallway.
‘Three p.m. tomorrow, you better let me see Markie or I warn you, Bella, I’m calling a solicitor,’ he said loudly from the top of the kitchen stairs.
She didn’t answer. The front door slammed shut heavily. Jesus Christ, how had it come to this? She picked her baby up out of his high chair and cuddled him close while her tears fell freely.
The day dragged on and on after that. Markie’s routine – changing, feeding, walk, nap, changing, feeding, bath – meant she had to keep going but she felt as if she could break down hysterically at any moment.
God, she had to get out of here, out of this house where everything had gone so wrong. She had fucked everything up – her career, her marriage . . . and how would all this affect her son? She was probably going to fuck him up too. She slapped her hand against the wall, furious with herself.
She had to get out of here.
Markie was clean and fed, it was 7.30 p.m. so he was getting sleepy. She wrapped him up warmly in snowsuit and blankets and put him in the buggy with the raincover over. She put on her thick winter coat and they headed out.
The street was dark and slick with light rain, but glowing orange in the street lamps.
She walked to the end of the road and wondered what the hell to do. Go to a pub? Were babies allowed? Go somewhere in the car? Where? Where? Where? Christ, she felt on the brink of insanity. If she’d been on her own, she would race off in the car and drink herself to oblivion somewhere very chic and expensive. But she was stuck.
She found herself trudging off in the direction of Red’s house, not sure if she really wanted to ring Red’s bell at this time of night and dump all this on her. It wasn’t like they even knew each other well.
But she didn’t really know who else to turn to. Tania had never called to make up . . . Jenna was on the other side of the planet . . . Mel and Lucy wouldn’t understand . . . Chris was a whole load of trouble. Jesus. And she never ran into anyone else now that she’d moved. Red was the only person she knew round here.
Christ, no wonder mothers ended up on Prozac and Valium. Did everyone think they’d vanished off the face of the planet just because they’d stopped working and hanging out in bars?
She was in Red’s street. She looked down at Markie, who was mesmerized by the streetlights. He was wonderful now. The long, inexplicable screams had finally worn off and he was a giggly delight to have around with his boundless wonder at the world. The lights were on at Red’s so she took a deep breath and rang the doorbell.
There was a long wait before Sandy answered the door.
‘Hello,’ he said with a hint of surprise in his voice.
‘Hello,’ she said. ‘I know it’s probably not a good time, I was just passing and wanted to say hello . . . is Red . . . I mean, if she’s . . .?’
‘Come in, come in – it’s always a good time.’ Sandy cut her off.
‘Red!’ he bellowed from the door. ‘It’s Bella.’
Bella was just grateful he’d remembered her name.
Red called down from upstairs: ‘Hello Bella! Sandy, come up and take over, will you?’
He bounded up the stairs and a few moments later Red came down, damp and dishevelled.
‘Hi – rescued from bathtime – how nice!’ she said, swooping down and kissing Bella on the cheek. ‘Your hair looks fantastic, by the way.’
‘Thanks,’ said Bella. ‘Just send me away if it’s not a good time.’
‘You’re fine, let me take your coat, come in. Hello, Markie,’ she said peering through the raincover.
Bella followed her into the kitchen, which was as cheerily chaotic as before.
‘Tea, coffee or no, let’s have wine,’ Red smiled and held up an already opened bottle of white.
‘Good idea.’ Bella unstrapped Markie from the buggy and sat down, holding him on her knee. He immediately put out his hands to reach for the toy cars on the table.
‘So, how’ve you been?’ Red asked, bringing out glasses.
‘Dreadful, couldn’t be worse.’ Bella said this with a sort of manic smile.
‘Oh dear.’ Red sat down and poured. ‘What’s happened?’
‘I’m totally depressed, I’ve fucked up my career . . . and slept with one of my bosses . . . well as good as . . . and now my husband’s found out and left.’ She had no idea why she was smiling at Red as she told her this.
‘Ah,’ Red took a deep sip of the wine. So did Bella.
‘So . . .’ Red said after a while, ‘what are you going to do now?’
‘Well, I was planning to wallow in self-pity for a bit,’ Bella answered.
‘No, you’ll just get even more depressed. How bad is it on the husband front? Has he really gone? Or can you sort things out? I mean, do you want to sort things out?’ Red asked.
‘Yeah,’ Bella said quietly, ‘I really do. But I don’t know what he’s thinking.’
‘When did all this happen?’
‘Well, he left today,’ Bella sighed and hoped she wasn’t going to cry again.
‘Oh boy,’ said Red. ‘You probably both need to cool down a bit.’
‘Things just haven’t been the same between us since Markie was born,’ Bella said.
Red snorted: ‘Of course they haven’t. There’s a big, crying, needy baby between you.’ She smiled at Markie, who giggled back at her. ‘Isn’t there?’ she said to him. ‘You’ve got to adjust . . . it takes ages. I used to keep a bag packed under the bed all the time when Jamie was tiny, I was so fed up.’ She laughed at the memory of it. ‘And the one time I did actually run off to my mum’s, she sent me straight back, bless her.’
‘Red, I don’t think I’m a very nice person,’ Bella blurted out. ‘I don’t think I deserve Don, or Marki
e, or my brilliant career . . . well the one that I had.’ She gave a half-smile, but now she really wanted to cry, or at least smoke.
‘Oh boy,’ Red topped up Bella’s wine glass. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. You must have worked so hard to get your job and I know how well you’ve been looking after Markie. Now you just need to turn your attention to Don and yourself. Be nice to yourself.’
‘I don’t know what there is to like about me.’ Bella put her nose on top of her son’s head and felt a tear slide down her face, she watched it glistening on top of Markie’s hair.
‘Bella!’ Red was smiling warmly at her. ‘When you first burst into that yoga class, you were this sort of infectious surge of energy and determination . . . and you’re funny and lovely looking . . . everyone wants a piece of you. You’re just a bit down and worn out. You need time and rest and a bit of inner peace, man.’
Bella smiled back at her, lump-in-the-throat grateful for this pep talk. ‘I’m very glad I met you,’ she said. ‘You’re so together.’
‘Well, thanks but don’t beat yourself up about it, it’s taken me three years to sort the motherhood thing out . . . a bit . . .’ Red drained the last of the wine into their glasses, then got up to look for another bottle.
‘What do you really want to do next? Have you thought about it?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, endlessly,’ Bella answered. ‘It goes batting round and round my head. I know what I want, I just can’t figure out how to get it – a part-time job which somehow pays more than my last one, and is going somewhere, really nice childcare for Markie . . . oh and I want him to sleep through the night and only breastfeed twice a day. Then I want Don back the way he was before we had Markie, but also a devoted father.’ Bella gave a small laugh. ‘Bit of a long list.’
‘Not really,’ said Red. ‘Don probably doesn’t want anything radically different – you back the way you were, working, more available to him, but also a devoted mother. Think of all you’ve been through as . . . adjusting.’
‘But I don’t know if he’ll forgive me for what I’ve done,’ said Bella.
‘Was it a one-off, one night stand?’ Red asked.
‘Emmm . . . kind of. In my head it was,’ Bella answered.
‘Well, all you can do is try and explain that to Don.’
There was a pause.
‘How long have you been married?’ Bella asked.
‘Oh for ever,’ Red said. ‘Six years now. And some things get easier and some get harder,’ she added. ‘Actually, I think being married and having kids is a lot like eating a healthy diet and going to the gym – you know it’s really good for you, but sometimes it’s completely dull and you can’t be bothered.’
They both laughed at this.
‘But it’s really hard to get it all right,’ Bella said. ‘You just need to take your eye off the ball and the whole thing messes up.’
‘Mmm,’ Red nodded. ‘And admit to me, before you were married, you had the lovely wedding fantasy, didn’t you . . . You in the dress and flowers and the handsome man at the altar?’
Bella was smiling and nodding.
‘Then,’ Red continued, ‘as soon as that ring was on your finger, I bet you started having the funeral fantasy? You know, the one where you’re in a beautiful black suit with a hat and a veil and you’re devastated but still young and . . . free!!’
Bella was open-mouthed, feigning indignation: ‘Red!! I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but . . . yes!’
They collapsed into giggles.
‘I suppose it’s just human nature,’ Bella said finally. ‘That grass is greener feeling.’
‘Count your blessings, child,’ Red said, putting on a voice. ‘That’s what my mum always said and she had a point. Anyway,’ she added, ‘I can help with baby things. You can pump me for advice on that.’
So they talked weaning, sleeping through the night and childcare for a bit and Bella agreed to go and meet Red’s childminder.
Sandy appeared at the door: ‘Red, the babies want a night-night kiss from you.’
‘OK.’ She stood up. ‘Have another glass of wine, Bella, I’ll be down in a second.’
‘No, it’s OK,’ Bella stood up as well. ‘I’ve really got to go, get Markie to bed.’ He was dozing, almost asleep in her arms.
‘What time does he usually go?’ Red asked.
‘Eight-ish, so this is late for him.’
‘OK, well I’m coming round at seven tomorrow so we can sort the sleeping problem out.’
‘Oh God.’
‘Trust me, I’m a mother!’ Red laughed.
The three of them said their goodbyes and Bella headed home wishing she’d accepted Sandy’s offer of a lift as the rain began to beat down heavily. She ran the final lap to the house, bouncing Markie about in his buggy. She was soaking wet and laughing when she got into the hallway and feeling much better for the evening out of the house.
When Markie was tucked up in bed, Bella tried to call Don. She dialled his mobile number and it rang for a few moments but then clicked onto voicemail.
‘Don, hon, I’m really sorry,’ she said. ‘I love you . . .’ At a loss for anything else to add, she put the receiver down.
Chapter Forty-two
RED’S CHILDMINDER SYLVIA was lovely, as Bella found out when she went round the next day.
Ellie was already there, crawling after a squeaky ball, and Markie wriggled about in Bella’s arms until she put him down on the floor, so he could try to crawl after it too.
Sylvia wanted two babies to look after, she said, because they could play together and keep each other company.
‘I just want to do one or two mornings a week to start with,’ Bella said, barely believing she would be able to do it, leave her son here with this woman who seemed nice but was still a stranger.
‘We’ll start gradually, that’s no problem, you just arrange the hours and pay the hourly rate – then we’ll all be happy, won’t we?’ Sylvia directed this question at Markie who was now up again bouncing happily on her knee. ‘When do you want to start?’ she asked with a smile.
‘Errrr . . . shall I bring him for two hours tomorrow and you can see how you get along,’ Bella heard herself say . . . thinking, Oh God, what am I doing?
‘Yes, that’s fine.’
When she left Sylvia’s, Bella felt a euphoric sort of panic. Oh my God, could she handle this?
As she was lifting the buggy up the stairs to her front door, her mobile went off. She scrabbled to get it out of the changing bag, hoping it would be Don.
It was.
‘Oh hon,’ she said, fumbling to open the door without tipping Markie down the stairs. ‘I’m really sorry. I’m really, really sorry . . .’ She pushed the buggy into the hall and sat down on the floor.
‘Look,’ Don said, ‘I’m phoning because I’m not going to be able to come today.’
‘OK,’ Bella said, dreading that this meant he didn’t want to see her yet.
‘My stupid, stupid fucking job,’ he said angrily. ‘I was supposed to get some leave, but I’ve now been given this piece of crap to chase down on the south coast for a couple of days.’
‘Oh,’ she said, feeling a crash of disappointment. He was going away again, they weren’t going to see each other for days and they wouldn’t be able to sort anything out.
‘I’m still so angry with you,’ Don added.
‘I love you,’ she said, ‘I really love you, Don. I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been.’ She was close to tears now, he could hear it. ‘I couldn’t bear to lose you hon, please . . .’
He gave a long sigh, then said: ‘I’m going to stay away till the weekend. I think we both need the time to calm down and think things through.’
‘If it’s what you want,’ she said. ‘But promise me you’ll come at the weekend.’
‘OK.’
‘Tell me about Markie,’ he said, changing tack, ‘I really miss him.’
‘He’s gorgeous,’ she said, trying to
swallow down her tears. ‘He’s wearing an adorable red cardigan and woolly hat. He’s sitting up in his buggy looking at me. His eyes are going to be dark like mine, I’m afraid.’
‘That’s nice,’ said Don, ‘I like dark eyes.’
‘I wish he’d got yours, I like yours best,’ she said. ‘And his new favourite toy is the bunch of house keys which is a bit scary because I keep thinking he’s going to drop them in a drain when we’re out.’
‘We should leave some spares with your friend round the corner.’
‘You are so sensible!’ she managed a slight laugh.
‘Just because you’re such a wild child,’ he said.
‘Don, please, I’m never going to do anything like that again.’
There was a pause before he said, ‘OK, I have to go, Bella. I’ll call you and I’ll be there at the weekend.’
‘Take care,’ she said.
‘Bye,’ he answered simply.
She clicked off the phone and unloaded Markie from the buggy, carrying him down to the kitchen. She still couldn’t really tell what her husband was thinking. He was still angry, but she took the ‘I like dark eyes’ comment as a good sign. God listen to me, I’m like some stupid teenager, she thought.
She had mixed feelings herself – she wanted Don back, no doubt about that, but the Don who’d bought out a flower stall for her, who’d rushed her to the register office in a passionate leap of faith, who’d held onto her when she was giving birth and willed her to survive.
At 7 p.m. on the dot that evening, Red arrived to help put Markie to bed without a breastfeed. She had assured Bella that it could be done and he would sleep much better for it. But Bella didn’t believe her.
‘Hello,’ Red breezed in with a kiss and a clinking carrier bag. ‘Essential supplies,’ she explained.
‘My God, I feel like I’m letting a witch into my house,’ Bella joked nervously. ‘Are you going to put a spell on my son?’
‘No!’ Red snorted, following her into the sitting room. ‘Trust me, I absolutely promise this will work, every night from now on.’
She slapped her coat over the back of a chair and put her bag up on the coffee table, spotting a framed photo there.
