His heart was beating hard in his chest. ‘Is that the truth, Sarah? Don’t lie to me now.’
Her shoulders dropped. ‘Yes but –’
‘Fuck,’ he said, almost to himself, as he turned and walked out of the room. He needed some air, he was suddenly feeling very claustrophobic. He crossed to the open window and leaned on the ledge, breathing deeply, in and out. What the hell did this mean? His brain was scrambled with so many possibilities he couldn’t think straight.
He turned around. They had both followed him into the living room, and they were standing there like a pair of schoolkids waiting for a reprimand from the principal.
‘How long . . . since when?’ Joe asked.
‘A year, maybe longer,’ said Ian.
‘What?’ He glared straight at Sarah. ‘So the baby –’
‘Is yours, Joe,’ she said.
‘And I’m supposed to believe that when this has been going on for over a year?’
‘It hasn’t,’ Sarah insisted. ‘Tell him, Ian.’
‘She’s right,’ said Ian. ‘I apologise, I put it badly. I have been in love with Sarah for more than a year, but she wasn’t interested at first. You two were still together, and she resisted my advances. She was faithful to you. But then you were away so much, she was lonely, we became . . . close. But even so, we were never . . . together, until after you left, for good.’
Joe stood there, feeling numb. Maybe he was in shock.
‘I promise you, Joe, if the baby was mine, she wouldn’t be here to begin with.’
At least that made sense. He cleared his throat. ‘Okay, I think you better go, Ian.’
‘What do you want me to do, darling?’ he asked Sarah.
‘This is my place, and I think you should leave, Ian,’ Joe said tightly. ‘Sarah and I have to sort this out together.’
‘What is there to sort out?’ Ian said plainly. ‘You don’t love her, she doesn’t love you, there’s no reason for you to be together.’
Joe looked at him. ‘Of course there’s a reason, the only reason that matters. I’m the father of her child, we don’t have much choice.’
Ian went to say something but Sarah interrupted. ‘You should go, Ian. We’ll talk later.’
He regarded her sadly. ‘You’ll be all right?’
‘Of course. I’ll call you.’
He walked over to the door and opened it, turning back. ‘The thing is, Joe, you do have a choice, there’s always a choice. Doing the right thing is not always the right thing to do.’
And then he left, closing the door behind him. The flat was strangely quiet, even the sound of traffic seemed a long way off. Joe hadn’t moved. He was still standing in the middle of the room, his head swimming, trying to make sense of what had just happened.
‘Joe?’ said Sarah after a while. ‘Joe, I’m so sorry you had to find out like that.’
He roused, glancing across at her. She was sitting on the couch now, he hadn’t even been aware of her passing by. He cleared his throat. ‘How did you want me to find out, Sarah?’
‘I didn’t,’ she said. ‘I thought you were never going to find out.’
Joe rubbed his face with his hands. ‘So you never intended to tell me that you were in love with another man? Were you planning to continue the affair?’
‘No, Joe, you have it wrong, we haven’t been having an affair.’
‘Then what is he doing here?’
‘He loves me,’ she said simply. ‘He was still hoping to talk me out of this.’
Joe frowned. ‘I’m not following you.’
‘Like Ian said, nothing happened between us until after you left,’ said Sarah. ‘We flirted, there was an attraction, but I always made it clear I was in a relationship. The last couple of times you came back from Iraq, I felt like you were growing away from me, but whenever I tried to talk to you about it, about our future, you just brushed it off. All you’d ever say was that you couldn’t deal with it with your head in the war.’
She was right. Joe walked around and sat heavily in an armchair opposite her. He’d made that excuse, but that’s all it was, an excuse. A cop-out.
‘Ian and I became close,’ Sarah continued. ‘Only as friends though, nothing happened between us. He was a good listener, and he was a good friend, he was my best friend. He finally told me one day he was in love with me. I wasn’t all that surprised, I suppose I’d been kidding myself that we could keep it platonic. But I was still in love with you, Joe. Whether from habit, I don’t know. I was confused, I didn’t know what to do. Then I found out I was pregnant, and after the initial shock, I decided it was meant to be. You and I had been floundering around for too long, we needed to settle down and be a family. I was all ready to tell you when you came home and said you were leaving.’ Her voice started to break. ‘I fell apart, and it was Ian who helped me get it together again. He promised he’d always love me, and that he would love my baby too, like it was his own. I was so furious with you, I decided I didn’t even have to tell you.’
‘So you got with Ian out of spite?’
‘No, I just didn’t tell you, out of spite,’ she said. ‘Ian was wonderful, he only wanted to make me happy. And I was happy, Joe. For a few months there, I was truly deeply happy in a way I can never remember feeling when you and I were together. No offence.’
‘None taken,’ said Joe. He knew exactly what she was talking about.
‘So what happened?’ he prompted her. ‘What made you give up all that to come out here?’
‘I couldn’t keep pretending,’ she shrugged. ‘Least of all to myself. My conscience simply got the better of me. I knew I had to tell you about the baby. At first I thought I’d write a letter explaining everything, give you time to take it in. But I didn’t know how your father was, and what kind of dilemma that would put you in. So then I thought I’d leave it till after the baby was born, so you wouldn’t have to feel any obligation to rush over in time for the birth. I went through every scenario and option I could think of, and I still didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t talk about it with Ian, it hurt him so much that I was even contemplating telling you. He saw it as a kind of betrayal, that I didn’t believe he would be the best father for my child. And to be honest, there was an element of truth to that.’
‘What do you mean?’ Joe frowned.
‘I couldn’t help thinking that although he said he’d love the baby like it was his own, how could he know for sure? He wanted us to have our own children as well in the future, and I wanted that too, but I was worried about what would happen to this child. It all seemed so complicated and uncertain . . . I love Ian with all my heart, but it felt selfish to be putting my feelings, my happiness, ahead of what was best for my child. I don’t know if it was hormones or what it was, but I felt I had to come to you. And before I knew what I was doing, I was on a plane.’
Joe was still struggling to understand. ‘But you didn’t just come here to tell me about the baby, you wanted us to get back together. Why didn’t you admit there was someone else?’
‘I thought it was over with Ian, I didn’t think he’d ever forgive me,’ she explained. ‘And I meant everything I said to you back then, Joe.’
‘Including that you still loved me?’
She sighed. ‘I really believed we could make a fresh start out here. But I had no idea what I was walking into. I hadn’t even considered you would have met someone so quickly, it didn’t cross my mind, the state I was in. It was naive I suppose. The only thing I knew for sure was the kind of man you were, that you’d always do the right thing.’ She shook her head. ‘You know, Joe, despite all the chaos you’ve witnessed in the world, you have a very black and white moral code.’
To a fault, apparently. ‘Then Ian followed you out here?’ he prompted.
She nodded. ‘He was devastated when I left. He kept calling me, it only took one conversation where I got a little teary and admitted that things were not as I’d hoped, and he was on the next plane. He didn’t h
esitate, he loved me enough to follow me across the world, even though I was having another man’s baby. You were barely interested, Joe. I know you were trying,’ she said when he went to interrupt. ‘But I could see how unhappy you were. My God, you were in love with someone else. And so was I. I just wanted to turn back the clock, especially after you said you wished you’d never found out. Everyone could have gone along as they were, everyone would have been happy. I just kept thinking, why did I do this?’
Her words echoed in the space between them.
‘Because despite everything,’ Joe said eventually, ‘this is still my child, and I had a right to know.’
Sarah winced.
‘Are you okay?’ Joe frowned, watching her.
‘I’m just uncomfortable.’ She shifted her position. ‘Of course, you’re right, Joe. Back home, I kept casting my mind into the future, with a sixteen year old who didn’t know that the man who had brought him up was not his biological father. I would have had to tell him, probably long before, I couldn’t keep up a deception like that. And there would be every chance that he’d want to find you. I imagined the damage that would be done then. It was one of the reasons I boarded that plane.’
Joe was shaking his head. ‘I thought about the sixteen year old too.’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘I really didn’t want to give Jo up, but I kept seeing this sullen teenager who was going to resent me for giving him up.’
Sarah winced again. Joe looked across at her, she was pale, and there was a film of sweat covering her face.
‘You don’t look so good, Sarah. How are you feeling?’
‘I haven’t felt well at all today,’ she admitted. ‘It must be the heat.’
‘Can I get you something? Do you want to go lie down?’
She shook her head. ‘I might just go to the bathroom.’
Joe got up to help her to her feet. She met his eyes directly. ‘I’m so sorry, Joe. About everything.’
‘It’s not your fault, Sarah,’ he said honestly. ‘We’re all in this together.’
He watched her walk through to the bathroom, before wandering over to the window to stare out at the skyline. The traffic was louder now, the air oppressive. So what now?
‘Joe!’
He rushed across to the bathroom door. ‘Sarah? Are you okay?’
‘The door’s not locked, you can come in,’ he heard her cry weakly.
He opened the door gingerly, peering inside. She was slumped back on the toilet, but he could see what had happened.
‘I think my waters broke,’ she whimpered.
‘I think you’re right about that,’ he said, sidestepping the puddle on the floor to get to her. ‘Come on, we have to get you to the hospital.’
He took hold of her arms to help her up, but she grabbed one of his hands. ‘Joe,’ she said plaintively, ‘can you phone Ian? Please?’
‘Sure, I’ll call him, but let’s call the hospital first, okay?’
Joe was sitting on a bench in the corridor outside the delivery rooms when Ian appeared around the corner, almost running towards him.
‘Take it easy,’ said Joe, getting to his feet. ‘Nothing’s happened yet, they’re just making her comfortable, checking her over.’
‘Was she in much pain?’ he asked, breathless.
‘The contractions started after her waters broke, but she seemed to be handling them all right so far.’
He nodded, grasping his arms to himself. ‘It’s not unusual, the waters breaking first, I read about that. It shouldn’t affect the baby. Did they say anything about the baby? They’re not worried?’
Joe shook his head, moved by his obvious concern. ‘Everyone was acting like it was routine, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about, Ian.’
A nurse came out of the door opposite. ‘Ms Parrish wanted to know if a Mr Templeton has arrived yet?’
‘Yes, tell her I have,’ said Ian.
‘You can go in.’
Ian glanced at Joe. ‘Oh, no, I don’t think so . . .’
‘Go ahead,’ said Joe. ‘She wants to see you.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course.’
It was a full half-hour before Ian reappeared, looking flushed and not a little awkward. ‘Sorry, Joe,’ he said. ‘Time got away. You should go in now.’
Joe regarded him, frowning. ‘Is Sarah asking for me?’
‘Oh, well, um,’ he stammered, ‘not specifically. She’s got other things on her mind, after all. But you should go in, she needs someone to be with her,’ he added, glancing anxiously back at the door.
Joe sighed. ‘I don’t think that someone should be me.’
Ian looked a little startled. ‘But it’s your baby, Joe.’
‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he assured him. ‘But you should be with Sarah, she needs you.’
After a few more half-hearted protests, Joe persuaded him to go in, and Ian promised in return that he would come out with regular updates. Joe wandered into the waiting room and sat on one of the vinyl lounges.
His child was about to be born, not more than a few metres away, and another man was going to witness it. But it felt right somehow. He knew Sarah would want the man she loved in there with her. If Jo were having a baby, anyone’s baby, he’d want to be with her. He wished it was Jo in there now, having his baby. It was an absurd and pointless fantasy, but he indulged in it anyway. Any baby he was going to have should have been with Jo. How the hell had things turned out this way? How could this child feel loved and secure with two unhappy parents who wished they were with someone else? It was untenable.
Eight hours later
‘Joe . . . Joe . . .’
He lurched up suddenly. He’d fallen asleep, slouched sideways on the lounge. His body felt stiff, his mind disorientated, as he blinked repeatedly to bring Ian’s face into focus.
‘It’s a girl!’ He was beaming.
Joe swallowed, his throat was dry. ‘A girl?’ he croaked.
‘And she’s beautiful, Joe,’ he went on. ‘She’s absolutely perfect. You have to see her. They’re just getting her cleaned up now and then Sarah said you should go in.’
The fog was gradually lifting. ‘Sarah, is she okay?’
Ian sat on the lounge opposite. ‘She’s wonderful. She was incredibly brave and strong . . . just wonderful.’
Joe nodded, taking it all in. It was a girl, he had a daughter. He was a father. It didn’t really mean much yet.
He stood up to stretch, giving his head a good rub to scatter the cobwebs. ‘You must be tired,’ he remarked to Ian as he crossed over to the water dispenser and pulled out a paper cup.
‘No, I’m still pretty keyed up, actually,’ he said. ‘It was an amazing experience.’
Joe filled the cup with water and offered it to Ian, but he declined. He drained the cup himself and tossed it in the bin, just as a nurse appeared around the corner.
‘Mr Bannister? Joe Bannister?’ she said, glancing from one to the other.
‘Yeah, that’s me.’
‘Sarah said you can come in now.’ She turned away and Joe went to follow her.
Ian stood up and put out his hand. ‘Congratulations, Joe.’
He shook his hand, nodding vaguely. He hadn’t really done anything, but he said ‘Thanks’ anyway. He walked around the corner. The nurse was standing a little way up the corridor, indicating the door. ‘You can go right in.’
Joe walked past her into the room. Sarah was lying in the bed, propped up with pillows. She looked tired, but there was an expression on her face he could only describe as blissful. ‘Hi Joe,’ she said.
‘Hi.’ He came closer, but his gaze was inexorably drawn to the perspex crib on the other side of the bed. ‘How are you feeling?’ he asked, his eyes fixed on the tiny bundle wrapped in a white sheet, the top of her little pink head poking out.
‘I’m fine,’ said Sarah, watching him. ‘Go and introduce yourself to your daughter.’
He glanced at Sarah then. ‘I don’t know if I’m ready for this.’
‘She won’t realise,’ she smiled.
Joe walked slowly around the bed. He was nervous, his stomach was churning and his heart was beating hard in his chest. He drew closer to the crib; he could see her face now, her dear, little perfect face. A lump rose in his throat.
‘You can pick her up, if you like,’ Sarah was saying.
No way was he ready for that. He didn’t even know how to go about it. No, he didn’t want to disturb her. He bent right over the crib, staring at her; her eyes were closed, but she had a perfect miniature nose, and perfect miniature rosy lips. She was exquisite.
‘Don’t be afraid,’ said Sarah. ‘You can touch her. She won’t break.’
Joe reached in and carefully let the back of his fingers connect with the skin of her cheek. She was real, she was warm, and she was so very soft. He swallowed back the lump in his throat.
‘She’s beautiful,’ he managed to say.
‘Isn’t she?’
He nodded. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. He suddenly felt protective, and proud, and a whole lot of feelings he couldn’t even name because he’d never experienced them before. She was part of him, part of his family. He wanted her to know her amazing aunts, her Uncle Will. He wanted her to know all about her grandfather, even though he wouldn’t be around long enough for her to know him. Joe wanted to give her everything it was in his power to give. He wanted her to be happy, to feel loved and secure. And he realised, gazing down at her, that there was a way he could give her all those things.
‘Does she have a name?’ he asked.
‘She didn’t come with one,’ said Sarah, smiling.
He looked across at her then. They had not talked about names. When Sarah had tried to bring it up, he’d been disinterested, it made it too real, and he wasn’t ready. But she was a person now, lying there in the crib, and he needed to know what to call her.
‘What did you have in mind?’ he asked.
‘Well, we should discuss it.’
‘What did you have in mind?’ he repeated with a faint smile.
She hesitated. ‘Well, my father’s mother, I never got to meet her, she died before I was born. He always spoke so fondly of her . . . her name was Julia.’
Crossing Paths Page 48
