For the first time in a long time, I was able to really rest and not be bogged down with my usual messy life drama. I did miss Dina and Candis. They both had called to check on me, but each time was simply not an opportune time for me to talk with them. Besides that, I wasn’t quite sure what to say to Candis, seeing as how last time I’d talked to her, the conversation wasn’t pleasant. I owed her an apology, but I had to swallow some pride in order to give it.
I spent the first week just sitting in my old bedroom, thinking and crying about the decisions I’d made in my life, decisions that I regretted. As much as I loved my children, I hated the way Linwood was conceived, and because of my poor choices, he would probably never know his father. I regretted that I’d chosen Equanto as a mate and had two of his babies. I regretted that my sons were exposed to our fighting and arguing, Equanto’s frequent disappearances and drama. I regretted finding comfort in food and eating myself to over three hundred pounds.
Keith’s words kept coming back to me. “Why do you let him treat you that way?”
I wish I had an answer for myself. I wanted to say it was because it was what I had to do for the moment, but that wasn’t true. I could have returned long ago to my parents’ house if I’d needed to. I had to realize the power and strength I had in myself to walk away from a bad situation. Reaching over to my night table, I picked up my phone and sent Keith a text.
Hey you . . .
It was how he greeted me practically every morning.
Hey! How r u?!
Im better
Im glad to hear dat. Gettin some rest?
Trying to
We miss u here in da store
I miss being there
U coming back soon?
I don’t no yet–gotta get some things worked out
Understandable. U need N E thing?
That made me smile. I loved Keith; he was such a good friend.
Just rest and prayers
Other den dat–u ok?
Yeah thx
if u need me to take the boys out 4 a few hrs Id b glad 2. my daughter is here visiting
dat mite b kinda hard–we in San Diego
Instead of my phone buzzing with a return text from Keith, it rang, displaying his number.
“Hey, you,” I answered.
“Girl! What are you doing in California?” he asked in mock reprimand.
“I had to escape from all that heat, literally and figuratively.” I chuckled.
“You have family out there?”
“Yeah, my parents. They are taking good care of me.”
“I’m so glad to hear that, Celeste. You deserve for someone to take good care of you.”
I wanted to say, “I wish it were you,” but that was the totally wrong thing to let escape my lips.
“I’d do it in a heartbeat if I had the chance,” he added and took my breath clean away.
“Boy, stop playing,” I said, brushing his comment off.
“I’m serious, Celeste. I don’t mean no disrespect when I say this, but your husband is a damn fool.”
I didn’t comment. It didn’t feel right to agree with him, although I knew he was right. Keith telling me I was married to a fool made me feel like a fool for marrying him in the first place.
“I hate to see a man try to bring a good woman down, and that’s what I see him doing to you. Tearing you down every chance he gets.”
“Well, we’re not together right now so I can get myself together.”
“So you’re going back once you get rested?”
“I mean . . .” I paused before trying to continue. “I don’t—”
Keith cut me off. “You mean to tell me this joker done ’bout ran you over and dragged you down the street under the car and you haven’t made a decision to leave his trifling, no-good ass alone?” This time Keith paused.
“I told you I have to work through some things,” I said, trying to defend myself.
“Celeste. I pray that one day you wake up and look in the mirror and see yourself for the beautiful woman you are. I pray that you realize your worth and your value. Until you can do that, you’re going to keep on taking his BS over and over again, until that man puts you in your grave. He almost succeeded this time, but thanks be to God you’re still here.”
While Keith spoke, I pinched my nose to keep from sniffing, not wanting him to know that I was crying.
“Wake up, sista. You got the power to turn your life around,” he added. “You have my number if you need anything. I’ll talk to you another time.”
“Okay, Keith,” was all I was able to utter. Even after the call ended, I stared at the phone in my hand for thirty minutes, replaying his words over and over again in my head while tears fell from my eyes and landed in my lap.
“I can do this,” I said out loud to myself. “I can do this.”
Chapter 32
Dina
While we’d kept up with Celeste via text, neither of us had seen her since the day at the bridal store. We both missed our friend and cleared our weekend to make the drive to San Diego to visit. Candis filled me in on the latest details of her wedding for a great part of the drive, which, after the first hour, I was sick of listening to. She was so excited about her pending nuptials, as any bride would be, me included if I was actually going to marry Bertrand, but I could no longer see myself doing that and being happy.
With the way things were right now, I was already on the verge of being completely miserable, and I just didn’t see how sealing the deal with a marriage was going to fix anything. I felt myself slipping right back into the same pattern I’d been in when I was with Cameron, trying to accept and justify unacceptable behavior, including infidelity. I couldn’t mess around and marry a cheater a second time, pretending like I had no idea. It just didn’t feel like love to me, despite what came out of his mouth.
I pushed a stream of air from my mouth, thinking about the last argument we’d had over this very thing.
Even after Bertrand asked me what it was that he could do to earn my trust once again, and I told him, he’d not followed through. I’d asked him to clean up and throw out all his old relationship paraphernalia. Love letters, teddy bears, panties, cards, whatever. I wanted it all gone. Instead of complying and appeasing me, Bertand made excuses for why he couldn’t do it, claiming it would take too much time, claiming that he had too much stuff to look through. I felt insulted and disrespected, to say the least. How could this man say he loved me and wanted to marry me, but then want to keep memories from relationships from times past? Was I not worth some “old” panties and love letters?
Then, looking at the type of man Celeste was married to, I felt a little silly complaining about things that seemed so minor in comparison to some of the stories Celeste shared with Candis and me. But still in my heart, it didn’t feel right. Bertrand just didn’t fit, and I wasn’t willing to force myself to get used to it. I just couldn’t see how Celeste had dealt with Equanto all these years.
I really hoped Celeste was okay and preparing her life for some major changes, even if it meant she’d be staying in San Diego with her parents instead of returning to her sorry excuse for a husband. I knew what it was like to really want to have a man, but I couldn’t see being with someone who put me through as many things as she’d been through with Equanto—from his constant disappearing acts to him stealing her entire purse and throwing away vital records to make it look like a real robbery, not to mention the way he talked to her, calling her stupid, fat, good for nothing, and everything but a child of God. I knew only of a few times that they’d actually gotten physical, with him pushing and elbowing her, jacking her up against the wall, and craziness like that, but I knew the worst details of those times, Celeste kept to herself.
I felt bad for Celeste but tried not to judge her, because I hadn’t taken a single step in her shoes. I didn’t know what it was like to feel some sort of loyalty to a man because he was the father of my kids. I didn’t know what it was lik
e to feel guilty about taking those kids away from their father. Or to depend on an abusive man for a few dollars so that the kids could eat or could have lights and water. What I did know was Celeste didn’t need that man in her life for any reason. He was nasty and manipulative, and I hated that Celeste had not only married him, but had chosen to stay with him.
Celeste had even told me about a time he’d brought a gun into their home and threatened to kill himself in front of her and the boys. I just couldn’t imagine living under that kind of stress, control, and fear.
“We shouldn’t go empty-handed,” I mentioned to Candis, pulling into a Wal-Mart parking lot. “We can get a fruit basket and some flowers or something.”
“If Celeste says anything stupid out her mouth today, I don’t care if she’s getting over a heart attack or not, she’s gonna get dealt with.” Candis pulled her purse up on her shoulder as we walked through the lot.
“Are you still mad at her? Girl, let it go!”
“I’m just saying. I’m not coming all the way out here to be insulted,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“Candis, please take the chip off your shoulder. She’s been through a lot.”
“That doesn’t mean she can just say anything she wants to.”
“Just decide to be the bigger person,” I suggested as we walked through the sliding doors and on to the produce department. “I doubt she’s going to be in her usual snappy mood, anyway.”
“Probably not, but still, you know how she can be.”
Candis did have a point; Celeste was not one to bite her tongue.
“I’ll go pick a card while you get the fruit.” She walked off toward the stationery department, while I lifted prepackaged baskets of mixed fruits, looking for the best one.
“Lord, please don’t let these women fight today,” I prayed. Candis did act concerned when we heard about Equanto practically dragging her around the parking lot while she clung to the car, or something like that. All I could think about was James Byrd, Jr., that man that was dragged to his death in Jasper, Texas, behind a pickup truck in 1998. Celeste had said it was nothing like that, but she always played down Equanto’s behaviors like it was really no big deal. I hated that she didn’t take his meanness seriously.
“It wasn’t really that bad,” she’d say after she finished crying about him stealing her money, him slapping her in the face, him choking her over the car keys. “Trust me. He got some scratches and bruises too.”
I didn’t care how many scratches he walked away with from her trying to free herself from his grasp or defend herself. She was no match for a full-grown man, and Equanto didn’t deserve her. As strongly as I felt, though, I was determined to keep my mouth shut about it today and to try to support her as best I could during our visit.
Chapter 33
Celeste
Dina and Candis tiptoed in the house, looking like they thought I was on my deathbed and they were scared to look at me. Nonetheless, I screamed with excitement when I saw them and opened my arms for a group hug. It was so good to see them both.
“Welcome to San Diego!”
Once they saw that I was actually fine and in a good mood, they dropped their apprehension and greeted me like normal.
“How’re you doing, girl!” Dina asked, grinning.
“Good!” And this time I was telling the truth. I was good. I was well rested, was sleeping better, eating better, and had even dropped ten pounds since my heart attack.
“We brought you something,” Candis said, thrusting a fruit basket my way with a smile.
“Thank you. This is about all I eat now.”
“Yeah, I see your face looks a little bit thinner.”
I didn’t really believe Candis could see any weight difference, since I had so many pounds to go, but I thanked her for “noticing,” anyway.
“Candis, I owe you an apology,” I said before my pride could talk me out of it.
“I’m listening,” she said, poking her lips forward with a half smile.
“I’m sorry, girl. I got some nerve trying to keep you from marrying your man and I got the raggediest marriage in the world,” I admitted. “What does that song say? Sweep around your own back door before you try to sweep around mine, or something like that?”
“I know you meant well.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t have no business acting the way I did, or judging you or SeanMichael. Please forgive me.”
“I’ma have to if I want you to be in my wedding,” she said and grinned.
Chapter 34
Candis
I was so excited, I barely got a wink of sleep the night before I was finally going to meet SeanMichael in person. I’d spent the entire day before primping, just like I would if we were getting married as soon as he stepped foot off the plane. I got my hair done in Senegalese twists that fell midway down my back, got a full body exfoliation, a facial, and a manicure and pedicure. I also went to the makeup counter in the mall and had a young lady do my face and give me instructions on how to re-create the look so that I would knock SeanMichael slam off his feet.
Instead of sleeping, I tossed and turned all night, dreaming all kinds of happy, romantic dreams, most of them taking place right in the airport. In one of the dreams, as soon as he got out of the Jetway and into the terminal, he dropped to a single knee and proposed. A preacher was there to officiate and marry us right on the spot, and we had a huge reception in the airport’s food court. Now, the dropping to the knee, I could definitely go for, but our union was unorthodox enough as it was, so I didn’t need to have the wedding at the airport to top it all off.
The morning of our meeting, I just wanted to relax my nerves as much as I could. I took a bath and took my time pulling on my clothes, bought especially for today’s occasion. I chose a lavender chiffon sundress, which swirled around me every time I moved, like a flower being gently blown by the wind. I pinned my hair up in the front and adorned it with a large flower just above my ear that matched my dress, and then did my makeup. I looked stunning, if I did say so myself.
Dina and Celeste were due to arrive thirty minutes before I would leave for the airport to pick up a few things for our introductory dinner tonight. I was glad Celeste and I were able to circle around and get back to being friends, because I wouldn’t have wanted to share the scheduled happenings of the next few days without her.
Right on time, they both showed up with trays and platters, ready to roll up their sleeves to prepare a few more entrees that would be taken over to my parents’ home for our engagement dinner.
“You look amazing, girl,” Dina complimented.
“Thank you!” I grinned. I felt amazing.
“You sure you don’t want one of us to come with you, just in case he’s some kinda undercover busta?” Celeste offered, having gotten back to her old self, except she wasn’t with Equanto.
“No, my dad got this,” I assured them both.
“All right then, girl. Go get your man,” Celeste smiled.
“You ain’t gotta tell me twice!” I did a circle snap, puckering my lips.
They walked me to the car, tucking in loose braids and making sure there was no lint on my clothes or lipstick on my teeth. We hugged at my car; then I got inside.
“I’ll see y’all at my parents’.”
“We’ll be there!” they said in unison.
Every few seconds, the butterflies in my belly took off for a quick flight. Then they’d settle, only to take off again. I got to my parents’ house in fifteen minutes and let myself in. My mom was scurrying around in the kitchen, preparing food, and Daddy was upstairs, probably still getting dressed.
“Look at my baby,” Mom said, stopping her movement to show her approval of my look.
“I look all right?” I spun in a circle with a smile.
“You look like a beautiful spring day,” she said. “I’m proud to call you my daughter.”
“Thank you, Mommy.” I blushed. “What is your husband up there doing?”<
br />
“You know he’s as slow as a turtle crossing a country road,” she answered, swatting at the air with a towel. “You did right getting here early.”
“Well, he’s got about twenty minutes to get it together,” I said and laughed, taking a seat at the kitchen table and popping a strawberry into my mouth. “Do you need me to help you while I wait for him?”
“No, because you don’t need to do nothing that’s gonna mess that dress up. You look perfect, and we’re gonna keep it like that.”
“Celeste and Dina should be here in a little while to help with whatever’s left. They’re at my house right now, cooking a few more things.”
“Yeah, we will let them do all the work.” She opened the oven and took out four cake pans of almond-coconut layers. The aroma that filled my nostrils was so heavenly, I closed my eyes and inhaled as deeply as I could. My mom made the best cakes in Phoenix hands down.
“You sure you ready to meet this man looking like that? ’Cause he gonna wanna marry you sho’nuff with the way you looking.” Daddy had sneaked downstairs and stood in the kitchen, dressed in perfectly creased gray slacks and a white oxford, crisp with starch from the cleaners. His sleeves were cuffed, creating a relaxed look, and a black belt circled his waist to match the black loafers he wore on his feet. His wavy hair was brushed down against his scalp, and a fresh shave had him sharper than a tack. My daddy was one smooth brother.
“Mom, look at Daddy, looking all fly and debonair.”
“That’s why I married him,” she said, walking into his arms and meeting his lips with her own.
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