Renee had to admit that she could easily see the good side of Andrew. He was, of course, brilliant in his chosen profession; that went without saying. He was committed to volunteerism and he still made sure that he had time for his family. Despite being single, he was a family man at heart; there was nothing he wouldn’t do for them. He was also a kind, well-balanced man; Renee had never heard him say a cross word to anyone and he had a wonderful, albeit twisted, sense of humor, especially when it came to her. Yes, she had to admit that there were many qualities to admire about Andrew. Especially since he was handsome, sexy and a delectable kisser. But all of that didn’t allay Renee’s concerns.
“Okay, Yolanda, I have never found Andrew totally repulsive, not at all. But it’s not just the fact that he and I have this history that’s bothering me,” she admitted, turning troubled eyes to Yolanda. “I know that this is one of the things that we’ve been working towards in this therapy, but now that it’s at my doorstep, I don’t know whether I can actually open the door,” she said softly.
Yolanda nodded her head in sympathy and understanding. “Considering what happened to you, it’s quite normal for you to be this apprehensive. After an ordeal like yours, you have every reason and every right to be wary of having a physical relationship with a man. But one of the reasons you went into therapy was to reclaim your life, all of it. As you and I have discussed, part of having the full life you’re missing is to have normal relationships with men, including having a physical relationship with the right man when the time is right,” she said in her warm, encouraging voice.
“You didn’t want your past to control your future anymore and you began the long process of working through your pain. You’re making tremendous progress, Renee. The fact that you are experiencing physical desire for a man is a very good, very positive sign. And you are experiencing attraction for Andrew, are you not?”
Renee sighed. Attraction. Such a tepid, nondescript word for what she was feeling. But it would suffice. “Yes,” she said quietly. “I am very attracted to Andrew.”
Yolanda pressed a little more. “So now he’s now in Haiti where he’ll be for a few weeks. And how did you two leave things?”
This time Renee smiled. After spending Thursday and Friday nights together, she and Andrew had been together all day Saturday, running errands and picking up a few things he needed to take on his trip. Then they’d gone to his brother Alan’s house for a cookout, a family tradition whenever Andrew was about to take one of his overseas trips. The only person missing was Bennie, who was still in Atlanta, but she called to tell her twin goodbye.
No one had noticed that Renee and Andrew had come together and were leaving together, so they were able to avoid a lot of questions about their fledgling relationship. The next morning, Renee had driven him to the airport and had insisted on coming inside with him. He was joined by two other doctors from the same medical missionary group. Everything was fine until it was time to actually say goodbye to Andrew. For some reason Renee’s eyes had filled with hot tears, which she was too surprised to try and hide from Andrew.
Andrew hadn’t even tried to make a joke about it, either, which endeared him to Renee even more. He just kissed them away and reminded her that he would be back very soon. “I can’t promise that I’ll text or e-mail much because we’re really busy over there. And calling is difficult, even with a satellite hookup. But I’ll be thinking about you every day, and I’ll miss you,” he said sincerely.
Renee had felt something inside her begin to melt and when he lowered his head to hers for a good-bye kiss, she felt like she might float away. She stood there like a besotted teenager until the Jetway had closed and the plane had taken off. And like a truly lovestruck girl, she had actually shed a few tears until she realized what she was doing. She was the prize, dammit! What was she doing standing in Detroit Metro with tears running down her face over Andrew Cochran of all people? The man had obviously put a spell on her. She tried to shrug the whole incident off, but she couldn’t.
She thought about nothing else all the rest of the day, in fact all of the days that passed until she could get to her appointment with Yolanda. And now Yolanda was telling her that all this emotional turmoil was a good thing and that she was making progress. Of course it was, how could it not be? It was just that she felt so vulnerable, so naked for want of a better word. She felt like she was in one of those dreams where you were walking along in your underwear on a crowded city street or that you were at work without a stitch on or something equally humiliating. She finished her story with those very words and looked to Yolanda for comfort.
Yolanda didn’t let her down, either. Leaning forward she took one of Renee’s hands and clasped it firmly. “Renee, of course you feel vulnerable and exposed. This is no small thing for you. It’s taken a lot of hard work and courage for you to get as far as you have. You’re doing just fine. The feelings you have are perfectly normal, believe me. Just keep working at it the way you have and let things unfold. There’s a lot of strength in you, Renee. You’re going to have the happy ending that you want because you’re brave enough to fight for it.”
Renee did not completely share Yolanda’s optimism, but for now she was willing to take a chance. What could she possibly lose?
***
Despite Yolanda’s encouragement, Renee was a bundle of nerves. She couldn’t get rid of the anxious, giddy feeling that plagued her daily. She hadn’t felt like this in forever. This queasy sensation was a big part of the reason that she maintained the kind of relationships that she had. They were neat, orderly and controllable. None of the benign older men that were allowed in her circle did this to her. No matter how rich, how handsome or how attentive, not a one of them could stir her up in the way Andrew had. The feelings that he brought to the surface without even trying were heady, exciting and definitely sexy. Just remembering what Andrew looked like naked coupled with those hot kisses were enough to make the small of her back tingle and turn moist at the same time. Not to mention other places on her body.
It had gotten so bad that Renee had to consciously limit the amount of time she spent thinking about Andrew. Even so, she was prone to take little mental side trips every so often. Valerie had an uncanny way of knowing just when Renee had drifted away and would often tease her.
“Okay, what’s his name? Who is the mystery man that has you all caught up, hmmm? Who is it?” Valerie would demand, only to get an enigmatic smile from Renee.
That in itself was a huge change; the acerbic, businesslike Renee had taken a back seat to a Renee who was quicker to smile, more eager to laugh and definitely less intimidating than her predecessor. Everyone remarked on the change except Bennie, who had never thought of her friend in those uncomplimentary terms anyway.
Other than admitting to herself that she was counting the days until Andrew returned the hardest thing for Renee was not saying a word to Bennie. As much as she wanted to confide in her best friend, she didn’t want her to get in the middle of an ugly situation if things didn’t work out with her and Andrew. And although on the one hand she wanted to spill all to Bennie, on the other hand she wasn’t ready to reveal that she had this kind of interest in her best friend’s brother. It seemed so post-debutante, so silly. She was a little too old to be confiding a crush on her BFFs brother, wasn’t she? Besides, who said there was anything to actually tell Bennie? Andrew said that he wanted to start dating when he got home. What did he mean by dating, for heaven’s sake? Although she knew in her heart what he probably meant, it was hard to get her head around that idea.
Andrew was young, virile, sexy and magnificent. Dating didn’t mean what it meant to her middle-aged admirers. It wouldn’t mean taking Renee where she wanted to go when she wanted to go there, nor would it mean catering to her every whim and rewarding her with trinkets for allowing them to spend time with her. To Andrew, dating would mean something totally different, something along the lines of let’s do what you want one day, and do what I want the
next. And let’s have sex and plenty of it. Yow.
Renee had been mulling over these thoughts for days and she hadn’t been able to think of anything else since she left Yolanda’s office. She wasn’t at her best right now; she was at the moment scrunched up on her chaise longue having monster cramps. The thought of a totally new kind of relationship with a totally different kind of man made her leap to her feet, causing momentary dizziness. The door to her sitting room was open and she could hear Bennie singing little snatches of song alternating with talking to Aretha. She decided to join her friend and maybe Bennie could shed some light on a few things.
“Aretha, please get out of there. I’m not sending you to Atlanta, no matter how much you flirt with Clay,” Bennie said absentmindedly. She was cutting wrapping paper while Aretha was staking out a box as her personal territory, daring anyone to try and remove her from her new domain. Renee came in and sat on the loveseat in Bennie’s sitting room to observe.
“And just what are you doing?” she asked, although it was plain that Bennie was wrapping a present for Clay.
Bennie confirmed that yes; she was sending Clay a present.
“Why?” demanded Renee. “Is it his birthday or something?”
Bennie admitted that it wasn’t his birthday or any other special event; she just wanted to send him something because she loved him. She said it proudly, too, like it was just the greatest thing in the world. Renee looked at her carefully. Bennie looked wonderful, but then she always did. Renee had to admit though, in these halcyon days of Clay Deveraux, Bennie had an extra beauty, a glow that came from within. She was a good-natured person in any case but these days she was positively angelic. It was almost sickening. Renee dove right in, wasting no time in getting to the heart of a few things.
“I have to ask, why are you sending him gifts? Shouldn’t he be the one sending you tribute?” She tried not to sound petty, but it was unavoidable. Bennie didn’t point that out, however. She was gracious and honest in her answer.
“Renee, I like to give gifts, you know that. And I especially like to give Clay things because he’s so special to me. It’s not about tit-for-tat or anything like that. And if it was, I’d have a lot of catching up to do. Do you know how much Judith Leiber bags cost, for instance? And when I bought those earrings in Atlanta, he bought me the matching necklace and bracelet as a surprise. And they were like four times the cost of the earrings, which were not cheap, by any means. I’ll have to take you to that estate store the next time we’re in Atlanta,” she added as she dumped Aretha out of the box.
After blowing the cat hair away, Bennie continued. “I know you’re not supposed to tell men how you feel about them, or show them a lot of affection or buy them presents. I tried to read some of those “How to Catch a Man” books and I just think they’re stupid. Well, maybe stupid is a strong word, but they’re just not for me. I knew Gilbert was the right man for me because I never had to hold back with him. I could be as smart as I wanted, and do or say anything around him because he loved me just as I am. And I can do the same with Clay for the same reason.”
Bennie busied herself with wrapping the books she had purchased for Clay while Renee mulled over what she had said. In theory, she supposed Bennie was right. Her late husband Gilbert was certainly mad for her and Clay seemed to be following in the same pattern. But Renee was too nosy to resist probing a little further.
“Okay, I’m playing devil’s advocate here. Suppose; just suppose that things don’t work out with you and Clay. How are you going to reclaim that part of yourself that you gave to him? How do you get yourself back?” Renee asked softly.
Bennie gave Renee her full attention then. “I don’t think you do,” she said honestly. “Even I’m not that big a Pollyanna; I think that you do give a part of yourself away when you love someone. But even if it doesn’t ‘work out’ between Clay and me I don’t want that part back. It’s a gift that I give to him just like these books of poetry that I bought him, one of which is erotic Japanese haiku, just so you know. That part of me is his real gift; it’s one that I give freely and I don’t want it back.”
Renee was amazed. Bennie was truly light years ahead of her in the love game. Either that or she was way too far-gone over Clay to be sensible. Renee had to point out, once again, that it was Bennie that was the prize. Bennie went right back to her wrapping.
“Renee, I understand in theory why you say that. I understand that it means that you are worthy of being loved, that you’re a treasure and a rare jewel and all of that. I’m not trying to discount those feelings. But honey, I don’t want to be a prize. I don’t think of myself in those terms and I don’t think of Clay in those terms. Our relationship, what we have together, that’s my prize. Quiet as it’s kept, I want to be a wife again and also a mother. That, to me, would be a real prize.” Bennie looked at Renee’s astounded expression and laughed out loud.
“Yes, I said it and I meant it. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, sister,” she said with a cheeky grin.
For once Renee was stunned into silence. Either the whole world was going mad or she needed desperately to get a new perspective on life. Or at least a new affirmation, because the old one seemed a little outmoded, even though it had served its purpose. There had been a time when she desperately needed to feel that she was worthy of love and respect. There had been a time when she needed something strong and defining to cling to and the affirmation had served that purpose. But maybe it was time to let it go and find a new definition for Renee.
And maybe, just maybe, a new relationship with Andrew would help bring that about. Renee felt that same pleasurable yet frightening tremor ripple over her body as she thought about exciting new possibilities. Saying a hasty goodbye to Bennie and Aretha, Renee scooted back upstairs to count the days until Andrew would be back home. She might not be ready to swim in the deep end just yet, but she was damned if she was going to keep wading in the shallows.
Chapter Six
“Would you care for more tea, Mrs. Hasenpfeffer?”
“I would love some, Mrs. Rutabaga, thank you so much,” the gracious lady replied grandly, extending her tiny cup for more of the lemonade that Renee was pouring from a china teapot. Bennie’s niece Lillian was having a tea party in the backyard with Bennie and Renee as her guests. Periodically they would have a special Girl’s Day just for Lillian who was not only the youngest of the middle Cochran brother’s children; she was the only girl. She had a brother and many male cousins but no females her age anywhere in sight. So Bennie and Renee would occasionally take her on outings away from the boys. They’d have a special sleep over for her and play dress up with outlandish costumes and mad hats, as they were now doing.
Lillian was ravishing in a black feather boa, white opera gloves and a huge pink hat adorned with purple and fuchsia flowers. Bennie was similarly attired, with a rhinestone tiara, a lavender bed jacket lavished with lace and a wealth of beads of the Fishbone’s variety. Fishbone’s was a trendy restaurant that specialized in New Orleans style cuisine right down to the traditional Mardi Gras beads used as souvenirs. And Renee was way over the top in a pair of bejeweled cat eye sunglasses with a beaded neck chain, leopard spotted Capri pants, a huge straw hat and cork wedge heeled sandals. She also affected a Norma Desmond façade for all it was worth. Everything was “Dah-hling” and “but-of -course”, much to Lillian’s delight. Altogether it was a charming group frolicking in the backyard of Bennie’s house, at least that’s what Andrew thought when he rounded the corner.
“Well. Do you ladies think you can spare a cup of tea for a thirsty traveler?” he asked in an amused voice. Bennie and Lillian immediately ran to him and hugged him hard. Renee stood there frozen in place. He wasn’t supposed to be back until tomorrow. And here I am, ready for my damn close-up, she fretted. It didn’t seem to matter, though, as Andrew was looking at her like she’d hung the moon or something else miraculous and wonderful. It was all she could do not to give him her own hug, she was so g
lad to see him.
He looked dashing, although a little tired. The stress of the past few weeks showed clearly, yet he still had a healthy glow about him. And a beard; as he had threatened, he hadn’t done much in the way of grooming while away. It suited him in a way. While Bennie and Lillian were chattering away, Renee found herself walking towards him, her eyes locked on his. She had to touch him, just a little, to make sure he was really there. Andrew hadn’t moved. It was as though he were holding his breath until she reached his side. Renee had gotten just close enough to touch his hand when Lillian spoke.
“Who is that? Where did she come from?”
Following Lillian’s gaze Renee turned to see a tiny, pale woman with a cascade of brown hair walking around the corner of the house as if she belonged there. She was smiling broadly and waving happily at Andrew.
“Oh, isn’t she adorable! I’m Dana Pierson, honey. Your Uncle Andrew brought me here. We were in Haiti together,” she said confidently.
Three pairs of eyes, two almost black and one golden, turned to Andrew for confirmation. It was quite obvious that he had erred somewhere to judge by the looks he was getting from his twin, his niece and his…whatever Renee was. The fact that he was slightly jetlagged didn’t help Andrew’s power of speech in any way; he was reduced to the universal male cry for help.
“What?” he asked plaintively.
It wasn’t as damning as it looked, by any means. Dana Pierson was a television journalist doing a story on the Medic International and she’d been covering the site where Andrew was working as well, as visiting other locations. When Andrew’s tour was over they ended up on the same flight home. It seems that Dana’s cousin was getting married in Detroit and she was participating in the wedding. She’d rented a car at the airport and offered to drop Andrew off which seemed like a good thing. After all, no one was expecting him until the next day and he didn’t want to inconvenience anyone by getting someone to pick him up. Plus, he was worn out. Although from the looks he was getting, he would have done well to wake them all up at midnight and drag them to Romulus where Detroit Metropolitan Airport was located.
Until the End of Time Page 8
