The tears didn’t start until she was safely inside the house. The sense of relief that she was expecting when she entered the big house evaded her completely. It was warm and familiar and oddly welcoming, but there was no release from the tension that had held her in its grip since the night in Atlanta when it all began. Despite being safe at home, the miasma of rage and terror still engulfed her. She wasn’t safe here anymore than she was in Atlanta; being home only made her face the fact more clearly.
A sound from the mudroom made Renee remember that she wasn’t alone in the house. She hurried into the room off the huge kitchen and let the little dogs out of the carrier where they spent their days until they were thoroughly housebroken. She was gratified to see that her little pets had not forgotten her in the few days that she was gone. On the contrary they made their adoration known with barks, wet doggie kisses and the legendary “wee-wee of joy” as Andrew irreverently referred to the tiny puddles they made when excited.
It was that bit of normalcy that popped the bubble of calm Renee had vainly been trying to float. The tears starting rolling down her cheeks unchecked and she finally sank to her knees and let go with the huge, wracking sobs she had been holding in. Renee wept until there was no more breath in her body, until her throat was raw from sobbing. The room grew smaller and smaller and the darkness pushed in on her until there was nothing but inky black surrounding her.
Chapter Sixteen
When Renee’s eyes opened, she felt no better; she actually felt a little worse. She was stiff from her awkward position on the floor and she was cold. Mostly, though, she was thoroughly disgusted with herself. How could she have let herself fall to pieces like that? For God’s sake, what had the last 10 years of her life been about, if not keeping insanity from her door? What had all that hard, painful work with Yolanda been about if she was going to fall to pieces like an overwrought teenager with an eating disorder? Renee sat up abruptly and rubbed her eyes with her fists, something she never, never did because it could wreck the delicate skin. What a mess, what a mess. What am I going to do? How am I going to tell Andrew that his brother is about to go into business with the man who raped me? How am I going to face Donnie? Or Clay? Or anybody else? And why am I sitting in a puddle of puppy pee crying like an idiot?
The absurdity of her current position made her move, finally. She stumbled to her feet and hastily cleaned up the small puddle left by her excited puppies. After taking them for a much-needed walk, she came back into the house and took her luggage upstairs. While she unpacked, she tried to keep her mind clear and focused on what she had to do next. It was clear that she had to tell Andrew everything. Just being able to express her pain and confusion would lessen the agony; she knew this in her heart. But what the proper words were, she had no idea. Hi, honey, missed you, had a great time, your brother is going into business with the man who raped me. No, it just didn’t play. Somehow, though, she had to find a way to tell him, the sooner the better.
The afternoon passed in a blur. As keyed up as she was, Renee couldn’t sit still. She busied herself by doing needless cleaning and straightening, which proved to be rather unrewarding, as the house was always immaculate. After rearranging the objects on her dressing table a third time, she decided to prepare a big meal. Cooking would occupy her mind as well as her hands, she decided.
When Andrew walked in the back door of the house, he was amazed. Not only was Renee home unexpectedly, but she had prepared a magnificent meal for him. It was simple food, comfort food--meatloaf, macaroni and cheese and a special sautéed cabbage that only Renee could prepare. But the meal was one of Andrew’s favorites and he was touched that she had gone to so much trouble, in addition to being thrilled that she was back. He found her in the dining room arranging a romantic table setting for two. In seconds he had her in his arms.
“Baby, what are you doing here?” he asked happily. “Did I get my days mixed up or something? I thought you weren’t coming home for a couple more days.”
Despite his surprise at seeing her, it was plain that Andrew was ecstatic to have her where she belonged. His gentle embrace was just what Renee desperately needed after the turmoil of the past hours. She returned his sweet, gentle kisses and allowed the pain and anxiety to flow away as she adjusted to feeling his strength flow through her body. Finally, she began to speak. “Well, I had a…a slight stomach virus and…I just knew I would feel better here with you. So I came home,” she hedged.
There was plenty of time for him to hear the whole sordid story—for now she just wanted to look at him and assure herself that he was real, that this was her real life and nothing ugly could intrude on her happiness. She stepped away from him so that she could adore him with her eyes and was reassured with what she beheld. He was rumpled and tired looking, but there was a look of peace and happiness about him, too. Before she could ask him about his eating and sleeping habits he took her hands and drew her into the living room and they sat down on the big sofa together.
Andrew gathered her as close to him as possible, kissing her again before speaking. “Damn, I’m glad you’re back! I had no idea I could miss you so much,” he admitted. “Renee, the surgery went well. It went better than ‘well’, actually. So far everything has gone perfectly and the babies are holding their own,” he told her with obvious pride.
Renee was stricken with guilt for a moment. She had been so caught up in her own world of misery that she’d almost forgotten the complicated case that had kept Andrew in Detroit while she went to Atlanta. She tried not to let her shame show as Andrew went on to explain to her what had occurred during the surgery and after.
“I’ve been spending most of my time at the hospital monitoring the babies which is why I look so bad. In fact, I just came home to see about the dogs and get some clean clothes. There’s a press conference tomorrow morning and I didn’t think I would have time to come get a shirt and tie or something. But now that you’re home, I think I’ll stay here for a few hours.” He ended this statement with a huge yawn. “Oh baby, I had no idea how tired I am. I’ve just been going non-stop and I think it all just caught up with me.” He excused himself while he yawned again.
Renee swallowed hard to get past the huge lump in her throat. Bad timing, bad timing. There was no way she was going to bring Andrew down now; she would just have to wait until the time was right. In the meantime, there was something she could do for him.
“Why don’t you go upstairs right now and take a hot bath? I’ll run it for you and I’ll even scrub your back. Then after you have had a nap, we can eat dinner, how does that sound?” she said sweetly.
The look of gratitude on Andrew’s face was worth any price to Renee. They disentangled themselves from each other and Renee preceded him up the stairs. She dumped lavish amounts of mineral salts into the tub and filled it with hot water. The clean, green scent of pine and horse chestnut filled the room as Andrew walked in naked as a jaybird with no embarrassment whatsoever. He gave a great sigh of pleasure as the blue-green water surrounded him and Renee adjusted a bath pillow behind his head.
“I’ll be back in 10 minutes. Don’t fall asleep,” she cautioned.
Andrew assured her that he would manage to stay awake. “Just don’t be too long. I seem to remember something about getting my back scrubbed that I liked the sound of very much,” he added.
Renee managed a cheerful little smile before closing the door behind her. She stood in the hallway for a moment with her head down and her hands balled into fists so tight that her nails pierced her skin painfully. She took a deep, shuddering breath as she descended the stairs, with her fingers working in their familiar rhythm, one, two, three, four…one, two, three, four…
***
A week had slipped by and Renee had still not found a way to approach Andrew with her dilemma. She simply could not find the words to tell him that his brother had somehow formed a liaison with the man who had raped her years before in Pittsburgh. How in the hell Donnie had managed to dig
up the one person in broadcasting that she had cause to hate above anyone in the world, she would never know. To be honest, she still didn’t know the details of their partnership. All she knew was that it was something involving Clay’s company, The Deveraux Group, and the Cochran family radio conglomerate, Cochran Communications. Under normal circumstances, this would be a really big deal, something to celebrate and rejoice in; after all Donovan Bailey was a name to be reckoned with in broadcasting.
This was quite a coup for Donnie, something akin to getting Bryant Gumbel to be the anchor on a local radio station. Whatever the plans were, they were sure to bring in a ton of money for all concerned. As long as you don’t mind working with a rapist, she thought bitterly. Renee was in her office at Urban Oasis, ostensibly making plans for the annual Christmas party she threw for her employees and patrons. What she was really doing was trying to avoid any and everything that would remind her of Donovan Bailey and the fact that such a creature existed. She made neat stacks of all the pertinent papers on her desk, mostly invoices and holiday greetings. Keeping her hands busy seemed to lull her into a neutral state, but only for a moment or so. She rubbed her temples in small circles, trying to relieve the headache that she suffered with constantly since that horrid night in Atlanta.
A discreet knock sounded on her office door, and before she could speak, Valerie, her manager entered with a look of concern on her face. She handed Renee a cup of Earl Grey tea and a headache powder saying, “Don’t even pretend like you don’t need this, ‘cause I can tell that you do.” She then stood over Renee like a sentry until the powder was dispatched and a good bit of the tea had been consumed.
“Renee, I don’t know what’s wrong, but I can tell you feel like hell. Why don’t you take off today and get some rest. I can handle everything here, it’s why you pay me the big bucks, remember?” she added, hoping her lame joke would make Renee smile a little.
Valerie’s concern wasn’t misplaced because Renee didn’t look well. Her normal vibrant skin color was rather ashen and she was obviously not sleeping well, if at all. She apparently was not eating, either as she had lost enough weight for it to be noticeable. And Valerie’s kind words seemed to push her over the edge—to Val’s horror, Renee’s eyes filled with huge tears. Valerie had never, ever seen Renee in such a fragile state. She immediately went around the desk and put her arms around Renee. Rocking her back and forth, Valerie begged her to share her pain.
“Renee, what is it? Are you and Andrew having problems? Is something wrong with your family, what? You can tell me anything, honey, you know you can,” she coaxed. “You need to try and talk about this so we can make it go away,” she said persuasively.
Renee sat up and gently extricated herself from Valerie. “That’s just it, Val. It won’t go away,” she muttered. “Not unless I make it and I don’t know how, not yet.” She took a deep, shuddery sigh and almost laughed at the look on Valerie’s face.
“I know, I’m not making sense. Nothing makes sense right now. But,” she glanced at her wall clock before continuing, “I’m going to take care of that right now. I hope. I’m taking your advice, I won’t be back today.” Renee stood up and gave the still shocked Valerie a hug. “Thanks for caring about me, kiddo, it means a lot.”
Renee gladly handed Valerie the list of things that still needed doing for the Christmas party, then put on her Calvin Klein topcoat and left by the back door. If Yolanda couldn’t help her get back on track with this, no one could.
***
After refusing Yolanda’s offer of tea, Renee started doing what she normally did when she was trying to avoid an unpleasant topic, she started fidgeting. She meandered around the large, homey room staring at familiar objects as though they were displayed under glass at the Detroit Institute of Arts. She gave quiet, monosyllabic answers to Yolanda’s remarks until even she couldn’t stand it anymore. Suddenly, she turned to Yolanda with her fear etched broadly across her face.
“Yolanda, that was Donovan Bailey that I saw at the airport. I saw him again in Atlanta. And what’s worse, he is going into some kind of business with Andrew’s family and with Clay Deveraux’ company,” she said quietly. Barely pausing for breath, she told Yolanda the whole unpleasant story.
Yolanda’s reaction was plain to see because she couldn’t keep her dismay from flitting across her expressive face. “My God, Renee! What happened when you told Andrew how you knew this man? I’m surprised that his brother would even consider a business arrangement with a creature like that!”
Renee confessed that she had not yet told Andrew that Donovan was the man who had raped her. “Yolanda, when I got back here I was going to tell him right away. But he was so tired from the surgery and there was all that follow-up and hoopla afterwards that it just didn’t seem fair to dump my troubles on him. Everybody who is anybody has interviewed him, did you know that? Not just Andrew, of course, the whole surgical team. They’re going to be written up in People and Life and they’re going to be on the Discovery Channel and some other things, I can’t remember them all,” she finished. Renee could tell that Yolanda wasn’t buying it, and her first words proved it.
“Renee, it’s wonderful that the surgery went so well and that Andrew is getting this much deserved admiration and recognition. But you matter, too! You’re making decisions for Andrew about his priorities, and that’s something that you’re not equipped to do. I know that you’re concerned about his time and you appreciate the stress under which he has been operating, but you have to let Andrew decide what he can and can’t deal with; you can’t play God for him,” Yolanda said gently.
Instead of reassuring her, Yolanda’s words had the opposite effect on Renee. She got up from the couch where she had finally perched, and resumed wandering with a vengeance. She was making minute adjustments to every object on every surface she came to, still letting the sound of Yolanda’s voice wash over her.
“From what you have told me of Andrew, your well-being is of paramount concern to him. The longer you put off discussing this with him, the more confused and hurt he’s liable to be. Besides, it may very well be that if you wait, his brother and Bennie’s husband will find themselves in a business arrangement they cannot get out of.”
That got Renee’s full attention, and she swirled around to face Yolanda. “But Yolanda, the only way they wouldn’t go through with this is if they know the whole story of what happened between me and that creature and I don’t know if I could handle them knowing. I know it seems irrational after all this time, but I just don’t know if I could stand for them to know what happened,” she admitted.
Yolanda sighed, and asked Renee to come back and sit down, which she did. After she was seated, Yolanda joined her on the couch and took both Renee's hands in her own.
“Renee, you know that Bennie’s family feels as though you are a part of them. Her brothers, with the exception of Andrew, view you as another sister. Andrew loves you and wants to marry you. Do you think for a moment that these people would willingly enter into a business agreement with a man who’s harmed a member of their family? Don’t you think that you should at least give the opportunity to decide on their own what their course of action should be?”
Renee had to take back her hands to dash away the hot tears she felt forming. Yolanda made it all seem so simple, and maybe it was…but maybe it wasn’t. She knew, though, there would be no peace for her until she confided everything in Andrew.
“I know you’re right, Yolanda, I know you are,” she murmured. “I just haven’t been able to find the words to say to him. I know that every day I hesitate is making it harder, but I just haven’t been able to find the way to tell him,” she sighed. “God, I am such a coward! After all this time, you would think that I wouldn’t be such a ninny, and look at me. I’m the one who was going to try and kill him, remember? I can’t even tell on the bastard, much less seek revenge,” she snorted.
Yolanda reached over and took her hand again. “And as long as you can’
t articulate it, he has power over you. Remember how old folks used to say, “tell the truth and shame the devil”? That’s what you’ve got to do, Renee. Take the power away from him. You have me and Andrew and Ceylon and everyone else on your side. You may not believe it right now, but you do. Take the power away from him, now.”
Yolanda’s words continued to pound through Renee’s aching head the rest of the day. She knew that Yolanda was absolutely right, that by not exposing Donovan Bailey for the creep that he was, she was giving him power over her life. The same power that he had taken away from her so many years ago was being stripped away again. There was only one way that she could free herself from this trap, and that was to tell Andrew that Donovan Bailey was her rapist and that through some bizarre twist of fate he was about to begin a business enterprise with his family’s business.
Logically, this was the only way that she could regain the ground she was losing, but logic wasn’t known for having a pretty sound or taste. The words wouldn’t be easy to say or pleasant to hear, but they were necessary. By the time she reached home, she was steely with resolution. She and Andrew were going to have that much-needed talk tonight, as soon as he got to her house. She glanced at the clock on her dashboard as she pulled into the garage. She had time enough for a hot shower and a change of attire, something that was akin to donning the armor of a Samurai in her estimation.
After tending to the little dogs she ran upstairs to prepare for the evening. Her phone started ringing as soon as she got into her sitting room, but her irritation turned to happiness as she realized it was Andrew.
Until the End of Time Page 22
