by Kasie West
A voice sounded by my ear. “You need to breathe. Deep breaths.”
I gasped in a breath. My heart was racing and blood rushed through my ears.
“If you have any information regarding this ongoing search,” the woman on screen continued, “please call the police department.”
My parents thought I was dead. Pressure built up in my chest, pain taking over. My eyes hadn’t left the television screen even though they had moved onto another story. I was frozen to the couch, incapable of knowing what to do next. I wasn’t even sure I remembered how to move. That’s when a loud buzzer began to sound, causing my ears to ring. The noise ripped through the room and beyond, over and over, like my alarm clock in the morning. And just like my alarm clock, I wanted it to stop. I threw my hands over my ears, wondering where the noise was coming from. Was it in my head?
“Are you having a panic attack?” I heard a distant voice ask from beside me. “What do you normally do when you have one?” He was rubbing my back.
My brain was too muddled to think straight. This was worse than anything I’d ever felt before. I needed fresh air. I needed to see my parents. My brother. The people who right now thought I was dead. This wasn’t happening.
“I have to get out of here,” I said over and over and over. I couldn’t stop myself from saying it.
“Autumn. You need to breathe. Put your head in between your knees or something.”
“Why?” The world around me was going black.
“Autumn, look at me.”
I met his eyes. They were intense and focused and more serious than I’d seen them before.
“You are going to pass out if you don’t slow down your breathing.”
“I. Don’t. Pass. Out,” I said between breaths.
“Maybe you haven’t before, but I’m guessing you’ve never had a panic attack on an empty stomach.”
I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. “I have to get out of here.”
“I know. They’re coming. Someone is on their way. Hang on.”
Before I could analyze what that meant, everything went black.
CHAPTER 18
“Can you hear me? Open your eyes.”
It felt like I was crawling out of a black hole and I really didn’t want to put in the effort. It would be easier to stay at the bottom and sleep. But something was itching the bridge of my nose and around my mouth, and I wanted it to stop. I tried to touch my face but my arm was pushed back down.
“Can you tell me your name? What day it is?”
I opened my eyes and immediately shut them against the brightness, then attempted to blink until the sting was gone. I was in the back of an ambulance. A black woman stood over me, her hair pulled back, a smile on. “Hey. Welcome back.”
“Autumn. It’s Autumn.”
“Actually, it’s winter.”
I pushed at the oxygen mask and tried to sit up.
She gently forced me back down by my shoulder. “Just lie there until we get to the hospital and the doctor can check you out.”
My memory was coming back to me. Of what I saw on the news. My stomach hurt. I searched for Dax in the space around me but only saw tubes hanging off the walls and plastic boxes presumably full of first-aid supplies. On my other side sat a red-headed guy with a clipboard. Dax must’ve been able to escape when the ambulance showed up. That thought helped me relax. I didn’t want him to get in trouble, like he was sure he would if any officials were involved.
I stayed lying down but was able to pull the mask off my mouth. “No. My name is Autumn. It’s January something. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I don’t remember the exact date. I was trapped in the library. Do you have a phone I can use to call my parents?”
“What’s the phone number? We’ll have them meet us at the hospital.”
“Thank you.”
My mom didn’t normally cry, so it surprised me to see the tears in her eyes. It made me cry too. We were crying for different reasons. She cried because her daughter was not dead. I did because I felt terrible that she’d thought I was. She held me so tight for so long that finally the doctor had to tell her that he needed to put in an IV for the dehydration.
“Mom, I’m fine.”
She took a deep breath, and I watched her bring herself under control, dab her eyes, and straighten up. “I know, you’ll be fine.” She turned to the doctor as the nurse readied the needle beside me. “When can she come home?”
“As soon as she drains that liter of saline and we check her vitals again.”
My mom nodded.
The nurse pointed at my sweatshirt. “Can you take that off, please, so I can put your IV in?”
I’d forgotten I was wearing Dax’s sweatshirt. The thought had me looking at my feet where I still wore his socks, up over my jeans. While my mom’s back was turned, I pulled my jeans out and over the top of them. And instead of taking off the sweatshirt, like the nurse had asked, I pushed up the sleeve. I was still cold. “Does that work?”
She nodded as she studied my left arm, searching for the perfect vein. I looked away as she brought the needle up and distracted myself by talking to my mom.
“Where is Dad?”
“On his way.”
I sucked air between my teeth when the needle went in. The nurse taped it in place.
“Does anyone have my shoes?” I asked.
The nurse and doctor exchanged a look that ended with both of them shaking their heads no. “We’ll check out front,” the nurse said. Then both she and the doctor left us alone.
“They’re probably still at the library,” my mom said. “I doubt anyone thought to bring your shoes.”
I could picture exactly where they had been, tucked under the chair next to Dax’s bag. Maybe he had grabbed them when he snuck out. I’d have to ask him about that at school.
“You’re more concerned about your shoes than your phone?” my mom asked. “Impressive.”
“Right. My phone.” I didn’t want to think about that bag in the back of Jeff’s car and what had become of it. But I knew I had to. Now that I had explained everything and my mom seemed to be calming down, it was time to find out about Jeff.
Before I could say anything, though, my older brother, Owen, walked in, followed by my dad, cutting off the question on my tongue. The one about Jeff.
“What are you doing here?” I asked Owen. “What about school?”
“It’s a holiday. Thankfully you were presumed dead on a holiday or I’d be missing chem lab for this.” Right, it was a holiday, and of course my brother would drive six hours from UNLV if he thought I was dead.
Mom smacked his arm. “Stop being so flippant about this. This is serious.”
“It’s not serious anymore,” he said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you’re not dead.”
“Yeah, me too.”
He held on to me and wouldn’t let go until I pushed him away with a laugh.
My dad sat on the edge of my bed. “What happened?”
I had to explain the whole situation again. The only thing I left out was Dax. I’d promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone he was there and I planned to follow through with that promise.
“How are you feeling now, kid?” my dad asked.
“Starving. A milk shake and fries would probably cure me,” I said, batting my lashes at him.
He tousled my hair. “Sounds like you’re fine.”
“I would feel better with a milk shake too,” Owen said. “I mean, my sister was dead this morning.”
My dad looked up in thought. “How about this for a slogan? Milk shakes: Cure the shock of thinking a loved one is dead.”
My mom rolled her eyes. “Vance, you’re as bad as the kids.”
“Come on, Owen,” Dad said. “Milk shakes for everyone.” They left, Owen throwing me a thumbs-up over his shoulder.
My mom gripped my hand so hard that my fingers were turning white. I didn’t have the heart to ask her to loosen her hold. I shifted on the bed, the stiff ho
spital sheets itching my skin. The doctor said I could leave once the entire bag of saline hanging next to my bed was emptied into my arm; I was guessing that would take a while, though, since it wasn’t even a quarter of the way gone.
“Mom,” I said, not wanting to ask the question I knew I needed to. I didn’t want to hear the answer. I wanted to pretend everything was fine now that I was out of the library. “How is Jeff? Have you heard anything?”
“Last I heard, still critical. I haven’t checked in since yesterday. I’ve been involved with the search party.”
“Search party?” It took me too long to remember she was referring to me. “Oh. Right.”
Her eyes shone with held-back tears.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“It’s not your fault. I’m so happy you’re okay.”
“But Jeff . . .” Now tears were stinging my eyes.
“I’m sorry, honey.”
“He’ll be okay, right?”
She patted my hand, finally softening her grip, but didn’t answer my question.
“Can I see him? Is he here somewhere?”
“He’s in Salt Lake in intensive care. Only family can see him.”
I nodded. Maybe I could send over flowers or something. Maybe I could call the hospital and they’d tell me how he was. They’d tell me he was fine. Because he was going to be fine.
I stared at the clear bag full of saline until the door opened a crack and a white cup appeared.
I smiled. “Look who came to visit me. Milk shake.”
My mom turned in her chair. “Come in, Vance, before the doctor sees what you’ve smuggled in here.”
My dad came in, followed by my brother, who held his own milk shake. “I will smuggle anything anywhere for my only daughter.”
I took a long drink. “How many days do I get the we’re-just-happy-you’re-alive parents? I need to know how long I have to take advantage of you.”
My mom tried to give me a serious look but only ended up trying to gain control of her emotions again.
Owen rolled his eyes and mouthed way to go at me behind Mom’s back.
“Okay, fine, I won’t take advantage of you if it means you’ll stop crying.”
“I’m just so happy,” she said.
My dad put one hand on my shoulder.
“I know,” I said. I knew they were relieved now, their lives righted. But for me, it felt like the real tragedy had just begun. I tried to keep my happy face in place for them.
My family weren’t my only hospital visitors. Before I could drain that liter of saline, Lisa, Avi, and Morgan had stopped by as well, saying they had heard the news when the day’s search was called off.
“I thought you left with Jeff,” Lisa whispered as the others talked to my parents. “I thought for sure you had. We hadn’t even started the fire when it started to snow pretty bad. We had all just gotten there and decided to head up to the cabin before we needed chains for the cars. Jeff left first.”
“Why would you think I left without telling you?”
“I don’t know. It was crazy. Avi was screaming about being wet. Everyone was laughing. I had been pressuring you to tell Jeff at the bonfire. I thought you left with him. And you know what I thought to myself? I thought, ‘Go Autumn.’ I was proud of you. And then I heard the news and I was devastated. It was my fault you were with him.”
“I wasn’t with him.”
“I know, but I thought you were, and it was my fault. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “Lisa. Stop. Even if I had been with him, it wouldn’t have been your fault. It was an accident.” I took a deep breath. “Thank goodness nobody was with him.”
“I know. Only girls had jumped in his car on the way to the bonfire and they were all continuing on to the cabin.”
“But Jeff,” I said.
“I know. Believe me, I know.”
“Have you been to see him?”
“He’s in the ICU. No visitors.”
I sighed. I couldn’t get worked up about him before I knew anything. Lisa’s face looked how I felt—etched in worry. My face must’ve looked the same, because she slid next to me and wrapped her arms around my waist.
“I’m just so relieved you’re okay,” she said.
“I was never in danger. I was fine.”
She laid her head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry I left you in the library. I’m an idiot.”
I shook my head. “No, please. Don’t worry about that. It’s my fault for drinking half a two-liter bottle of DP.”
She tugged on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. “Whose is this?”
I remembered how easy it was for Dax to read my lies and tried to channel calm when I said, “I found it at the library. It was so cold there.”
She took a big whiff of me. “It smells good. Like . . .”
Dax. It smelled like Dax.
“Man,” she said, and I laughed. “It smells like a guy. Like a really good-smelling guy.”
“I thought the same thing when I put it on.”
She sat up. “Were you terrified in there?”
I twisted the hot pink bracelet that was still tied around my wrist. “It wasn’t too bad.”
“You’ll have to tell me all about it when you get out of here.”
“I will.” And I would. I’d tell her everything in a couple of weeks, when all of this had died down and everyone was done asking questions. When Jeff was out of intensive care and fine. When enough time had passed for Dax to see he wasn’t going to get in trouble for this. Then I’d tell her.
CHAPTER 19
At six o’clock the next morning my eyes popped open for the eleventh time since I’d closed them the night before. My mind was filling my dreams with worry. Worry about Jeff, about Dax, about my parents. My bed was too soft, too warm. The house in general felt very warm. Had my parents turned up the heat higher than normal?
I climbed out of bed, my head pounding when I stood up. I needed aspirin.
I was surprised when I found my mom sitting in the recliner in the living room, her laptop open on the arm of a chair and a legal pad on her lap. “What are you doing? Did you sleep out here?” I asked.
“No. I couldn’t sleep. I’m researching the protocol on nighttime procedures for public buildings.”
“Mom.”
“You shouldn’t have been locked in there. Every room should’ve been searched before the last person left.”
“Mom, can you not do that?”
She sighed. “I keep thinking that I dreamed yesterday. That I’ll wake up and you’ll be . . .”
“You didn’t. I’m here. I’m fine.” I felt guilty once again for not pulling the fire alarm earlier. That’s how we were eventually discovered, my mom had told me—the fire alarm. Dax must’ve pulled it.
I kissed the top of my mom’s head, then continued on into the kitchen. “Did Owen make it back to school okay?”
“Yes, he texted me at about one a.m.”
Another thing to feel guilty about—making my brother drive six hours to help search for me.
“What are you doing awake?” my mom asked.
“Couldn’t sleep either. Plus it’s time to get ready for school.”
“You’re not going to school.” It wasn’t a question.
“I am. I feel fine and I need to get my mind off things. Plus I don’t want to fall behind.” I had been reaching for the bottle of aspirin while giving my speech and stopped myself short. If Mom saw me taking aspirin, she definitely wouldn’t let me go. I grabbed my anxiety medication and a glass instead, just as she joined me in the kitchen.
I could practically see her having an internal fight with herself before she finally said, “Okay, but you come home if you start to feel sick or anxious at all.”
My head throbbed to the rhythm of my heartbeat as I filled the glass with water from the fridge. “I will, Mom.”
I hadn’t anticipated the reaction that would take place when I walked into the halls of school. It was
the last thing on my mind. But I should’ve known. My face had been all over the news and social media. I had been presumed dead. Of course the kids at school would know. I opened the door and stepped inside, and before the door had even shut behind me, a couple of people cheered and said hi.
“Hey,” I answered back.
A guy from my Government class stepped in front of me. “Welcome back.”
“Thanks?”
“Autumn!” Cooper Black, a defensive lineman on the football team yelled. “You survived!”
“Survived?” This was going to get old very fast.
My friends were just as bad. Lisa, Morgan, and Avi acted like they hadn’t just seen me the day before at the hospital and smashed me into a group hug. “You came to school today! I didn’t think you’d come,” Lisa said.
Well, that explained their reaction. Then Dallin, Jeff’s best friend, barreled into me. He lifted me over his shoulder and carried me down the hall yelling, “She’s alive! She’s alive!” His reaction confused me most of all. I thought I’d find him a mess today, since Jeff was still in critical condition, but he seemed like his normal self.
During my unasked-for ride, I caught a glimpse of Dax walking down the hall. My heart jumped into my throat and I knew he was the real reason I’d come to school today—to make sure he was okay. Just as I lifted my hand to wave, he looked away, not acknowledging me at all. By the time Dallin had carried me to the end of the hall, my head was pounding even more than it had been that morning. I hit his back. “Let me down, Dallin. Please.”
He did, nearly plopping me on my backside in his effort. Then he gripped me by the shoulders. “We should have a Back From the Dead party this weekend on your behalf. Zombie-themed or something.”
I grabbed onto both his wrists. “How are you?” I asked sincerely.
He smiled and dropped his hands back to his sides. “Awesome. Ready to celebrate.”
I narrowed my eyes, wondering if he was more worried about Jeff than he was letting on. “No party for me this weekend. I just want a break.”
