by Kasie West
“Sorry, Jeff, but I’m in my own car with my own blue-peg husband, and I bring home a teacher’s salary. Abandoning your surgeon career is not going to affect me.”
He flung the surgeon card at me like a Frisbee. “It’s totally going to affect you.”
“What do you really want to be when you grow up?” I asked, realizing this was something else I didn’t know about him.
“A dirt bike racer.”
“Really?”
“No, but that sounds fun. Maybe I’ll do that on the side.”
“What do you want to do when you grow up?” Mr. Matson asked me.
“I think I want to be a psychologist.” Because that was safe and secure and not risky at all. But it was more than that too. My psychologist had helped me so much over the years that I wanted to help others.
“I didn’t know that,” Jeff said. “I thought you’d do something with photography.”
“Yeah I . . .”
“Psychology is a good choice,” his dad said. “Jeff needs to decide.”
“Oh please, I’m seventeen. I have my whole life in front of me.”
His mom patted his arm. “Yes, you do. We’re lucky.”
Sitting here in the hospital with his family, I couldn’t help but think that he really was lucky that he had survived the car accident and was going to be fine. We were both going to be fine.
A man in a long white coat walked in the room. “It’s time for your daily torture,” he said. “Blood tests and physical therapy.”
“But my girl is here. Can’t it wait?”
His girl? Did he just call me his girl? Surely he hadn’t decided that without talking to me first. Not that it would surprise me. Jeff seemed to do a lot of things without thinking about them first.
“I’ll give you thirty minutes,” he said.
“Thirty minutes. That means all adults out of the room,” Jeff said.
His mom smiled but cleaned up the board and stacked it off to the side, next to the baseball bat from Dallin. And get well cards, and drawings I was just now noticing. I’d never brought him anything. My stomach began tensing up in anticipation of being alone with Jeff and the talk we needed to finally have.
The door clicked behind his exiting parents and I turned to face him.
“How is physical therapy going?”
“I’ve aged sixty years in two weeks. I need a walker and an oxygen tank.”
“And your pain? How is that?”
“Once-a-day pain meds, doc. Why so serious?”
Because I didn’t want to face what else I had to talk about. I wasn’t even sure how to start. Maybe I didn’t have to. Maybe he already had some of the information. “Have you talked to Dallin?”
“Yes, Friday. Surely you remember us being idiots.”
“I remember. You haven’t talked to him since then?”
“No, why?”
I took a gulp of air. “Do you know Dax? From school?”
He scrunched his face up as though thinking. “Dax Miller? The druggie?”
“He’s not a druggie.”
“What about him?”
“Well, he was in the library with—”
The door swung open and Dallin walked in with an “I heard you’re springing this joint on Wednesday.”
My gaze swung from Jeff to Dallin, then back again. “You get to go home on Wednesday? You didn’t tell me.”
“I was just about to. Hey, Autumn, I get to go home on Wednesday.”
“That’s great. Really great.”
“I agree,” Jeff said.
“I do too.” Dallin slid a rolling chair across the room and sat down opposite me, next to Jeff. “So, Friday night is the basketball game, but Saturday night I am throwing you a Jeff is Free party. My place. You in?”
Jeff smiled. “Since my name is in the title, I better be.”
“Isn’t that too much for you too soon?” I asked.
“Have you met my doctor, Dallin? Doctor Autumn.”
“Funny, but I’m serious.”
He grabbed my hand. “I know you are. I’ll be fine.” Then he turned to Dallin. “Is there still snow on that hill in your backyard? We need to go by the car graveyard before Saturday.”
“Yes, and yes.”
So much for talking to him today. I had a feeling Dallin was here on purpose. I had interrupted his day so he was paying me back. It was fine, though—my talk with Jeff could wait. Maybe until after the celebratory party. Jeff was having an exciting week. I didn’t need to ruin it.
CHAPTER 43
Dax was standing in my driveway when I pulled up. An embarrassing amount of relief poured through my body. He was there. I needed him and he was there. Then I remembered what I had to talk to him about first, before I got to tell him he was amazing. My eyes shot to his book that sat on the console of my car. I tucked it between the seats and rolled down my window.
“Hop in.” I didn’t want to risk my parents interrupting us.
He listened, climbing in the passenger seat, and I drove, with no destination in mind.
“I was worried you were sick today. I didn’t see you at school. I’m so happy to see you. I’ve had the weirdest day. The weirdest couple of days, actually. I need to talk it out.” I put my hand on his but he didn’t grab on or move in any way. His gaze was directed out the window. His stare was dark.
“You didn’t want me to go inside and meet your family?” he asked.
“What? No, I did. I do. I’d love for you to meet them, but I needed to talk to you.”
“Pull over up here.” He gestured toward a business complex ahead. I pulled into the parking lot, coming to a stop in front of a dentist office.
“Did something happen? Is everything okay at the group home? Are you okay?” I slid closer and put my arms around his shoulders, brushed a kiss on his cheek. If he needed to get his mind off something, I would gladly help. I could use some mind clearing myself. He was as still as could be, not moving to welcome me in at all, not even uncrossing his arms from in front of his chest.
“Dax? What is it?” I pulled at his arms playfully.
“You saw my mom.”
“Oh.” Oh. All this rage was directed at me. I sank back into my own seat. Who had told him? I was supposed to be the one to tell him. I had the gentlest way possible planned out. “Yes?”
“You sent her my letter?”
“No . . . I didn’t. My mom did by accident. It had fallen out of the book. She saw it on the counter so she sent it. I’m so sorry.”
“But you just happened to have memorized the address on the envelope?”
“No, I put it in my phone when I found it because I was curious about where she lived. And then when the letter was sent . . . It probably sounds unbelievable but I promise it was not some preplanned plot or anything. It was all just a big accident.”
“But you preplan everything. Make rules for everything.”
“No, not everything.”
He wouldn’t look at me, just stared out the front windshield like it was all he could do to control his anger. “You getting in your car and driving to my mother’s house was an accident?”
“Well . . . not that part. By that time I was just trying to fix the mistake.”
“That was the mistake.”
“I know.” My chest was tight, my breath hard to come by. I did not want to use that as an excuse not to have this conversation, though, so I tried to hold myself together.
“Who told you?”
“She did.”
I gasped. “Your mom? She told you? She went to your house?”
“Yes. Letter in hand, telling me all about her new friend Autumn.”
“How did she find you?”
“Followed the address forwarding trail.”
“But she wasn’t supposed to do that. She said she just wanted to send you a letter with important stuff that you’d need to know about yourself. And she was going to wait until I got back to her. She was going to wait until I could talk to you fi
rst.”
“She lies. All the time. Whatever it takes to get what she wants.”
“I’m so sorry. I just wanted to fix things.”
“Why?” He finally looked at me and I wanted him to look away. There was so much hate there.
“I don’t know. I wanted to help.” A single tear spilled out and I wiped it away quickly. “She said she’d changed. I . . .” What was I thinking?
“I am not your secret little charity case, Autumn.”
“Secret? You’re not a secret.”
“Aren’t I, though?”
“I . . .” Not on purpose. I thought he hadn’t wanted to be seen with me at school. “I told Lisa about you . . . about us. And my brother.”
“Stay out of my business,” he said. “You said just a distraction. No attachments. This is way beyond attachment if you feel the need to try to fix my life.”
I nodded, more tears spilling over. “Don’t worry, you just cured me of any attachment.”
He opened the car door, got out, and slammed it behind him. Then he walked away. I stayed there, my heart hurting so bad it felt like someone was squeezing it in their fist. I didn’t leave until I calmed my racing heart and cried away all my tears and any feelings I had about Dax with them. Maybe he had done me a favor.
CHAPTER 44
The texting started the next morning as I lay in bed, taking a mental health day. Or maybe it was a broken heart day. Either way, I needed some time off, and my mom agreed.
Lisa: Where are you?
Me: Not feeling well, staying home for a couple of days.
Lisa: Oh no! Can I bring you soup?
Me: No, I’ll be better soon.
Lisa: Hopefully by this weekend because it should be epic.
Wednesday.
Jeff: I got out of the hospital today! Can you come see me? I’m bored.
Me: Congrats! I can’t come today. I stayed home from school. But maybe I’ll come by your house tomorrow.
Thursday.
Lisa: Are you still sick? I’ll wear a mask if you let me come visit.
Me: No mask needed. I’m feeling a lot better.
Lisa: Yay! Just in time for the basketball game tomorrow.
Me: Not sure if I’m going to that.
Lisa: Jeff will be there.
Me: Is Dallin still throwing him the party on Saturday?
Lisa: Yes.
Me: I’ll try to come to that. I’ll probably skip the basketball game.
Lisa: Why?
Me: Believe me, it’s a good choice.
A couple of hours later as I lay wrapped in my down comforter watching a movie, I got another text.
Jeff: I thought you were coming over today.
Me: Stayed home again.
Jeff: You okay?
Me: Feeling a lot better.
Jeff: Good. I miss you.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. I missed him too. Just like I missed all my friends. But that was all it was. Friendship. And I needed to tell him that. Maybe that was another reason I had stayed home all week. I was good at avoidance.
Friday.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay here alone?” my mom asked. She was all dressed up and heading off to her work party with my dad.
“I’m positive.” I tugged on my fingers. “I’m sorry I’m not going with you. I promised Dad I would when he told me I could go up to the cabin.”
She smiled. “Oh please, this would be like torture for you. Besides, you didn’t end up at the cabin, so you’re breaking no promises.”
“This is true.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Better. Thanks for letting me stay home this week.”
“Of course. You need to take care of yourself.”
“I know. That’s why I’m staying home from the basketball game tonight too. Just the thought of it makes me cringe.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. I think you sometimes worry too much what your friends will think if you don’t go somewhere and not enough about how you’re feeling.”
“I know. Well, now I know. I’m working on it.” Dax had been wrong. I hadn’t needed to make a big announcement about my anxiety to my friends, I just needed to learn how to say no to them and take better care of myself.
She patted my cheek. “I love you, kid. Be good.”
“I will.”
The doorbell rang at 6:45 and I thought about not answering it. I wasn’t expecting anyone and I didn’t want to talk to a salesperson. But then it rang again, and I sighed and walked to the front door. When I opened it, I saw one second of Dallin’s smiling face before he threw a pillowcase over my head.
I screamed and tried to pull it off but then my hands were bound to my sides by some sort of rope or tape.
“Your presence has been requested,” Dallin said. “You are being kidnapped.”
“Dallin, please don’t do this. This is not cool.” I could already feel my pulse picking up speed, my chest tightening. It’s just Dallin, I told myself. I’ll be fine. But that logic didn’t help. It was the pillowcase over my head. I needed it off. I felt smothered, trapped, confined. “Take it off. Please. I’m not one of your stupid guy friends.” I knew he’d done this to Zach before. At the movies. He was just doing what he did. But I couldn’t handle it like Zach.
Dallin directed me on my shuffling feet to a vehicle that I could hear was already on. A door opened and he delivered me inside. I wasn’t sure if the other guys were inside—Zach or Connor.
“Can someone please just take the pillowcase off? I’m going to get sick.” My stomach hurt and I was worried I really was going to get sick.
There was the tiniest laugh but nobody helped me. The radio turned on and the car started moving. Nobody had put on my seatbelt.
“I need a seatbelt,” I said.
“A seatbelt?” The voice was right next to my ear, then another voice behind me said the same thing. They were loud, distorted. But someone buckled me in.
Throughout the ride the different voices yelled out stupid things. Things like, “Don’t run the stop sign!” And, “Is that a cop?” I kind of wished it was a cop. Maybe they’d get pulled over and in trouble for having a girl with a pillowcase over her head in the car. I thought I recognized Zach’s voice. And obviously Dallin’s, but I wasn’t sure who else was there. It could’ve just been the two of them. Eventually this case would be off my head so I tried to keep myself under control.
After at least ten minutes of obnoxious one-liners, the car slowed. I hadn’t managed to keep myself under control at all. I could feel the sweat and tears streaked down my face. There was probably some snot too. But they weren’t done. One last shout made my heart stand still. It was Dallin’s voice. “Hey, look, your boyfriend is here, Autumn! I didn’t know he like basketball.”
And for the first time the entire ride, I heard Jeff. He laughed. He thought it was a joke. It wasn’t a joke, but it was an exaggeration on Dallin’s part. Dax was definitely not my boyfriend.
“Are you pointing at Dax Miller?” Jeff asked.
“Yes, you should ask Autumn about him. They got real tight while you were under.” I wanted to punch Dallin. I understood that he might hate me for his various annoying reasons right now, but didn’t he understand timing, that he was hurting his best friend?
The car pulled to a stop and I was helped out of it. I struggled until someone freed me and removed the pillowcase. All I could think about was getting out of there. I wanted out of there.
“Autumn,” Jeff said, and I met his eyes. He was wheeling himself around the van we must’ve just emerged from. “Calm down. It’s just us.”
I looked around to see Lisa and Zach, Connor, Morgan and Avi, too. They were all staring at me like I was a little bit crazy. I wiped at my face, still trying to figure out where I could run to.
“You knew it was us, right?” Lisa asked.
“She saw me and heard us the entire time,” Dallin said. “I don’t know what she’s f
reaking out about.”
“Nothing. I’m freaking out about nothing. That’s what happens sometimes when you have an anxiety disorder and someone shoves a bag over your head and ties you up. I have anxiety!” I yelled this at the top of my voice. “Does that make you happy, Dallin? To know that you just triggered an attack?”
As one, my group of friends seemed to step closer to me, closing the circle.
“I can’t,” I said. “I just need space. Just give me some space.” I pushed between Lisa and Avi and ran across the parking lot all the way to the greenhouse, where I shut myself inside and tried to figure out how I was going to get home.
CHAPTER 45
I felt the burst of wind through the door before I realized someone had opened it. For the last fifteen minutes I had sat huddled on the dirty floor of the greenhouse analyzing my performance tonight. It was pretty epic. Me, looking crazed and wild, yelling about panic attacks, while my friends wondered how their practical joke had resulted in such a major overreaction. I knew I had been overreacting at the time, but it wasn’t something I could stop. And now, outside of it, when my body had calmed down and my tears were dry, I knew it even more. I wondered who else had seen me in that parking lot, surrounded by my friends like I was some feral cat they were trying to tame. They’d said Dax was there. Had he already gone into the gym by that time? I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to think about Dax. Until now, when the door opened and for one heart-stopping moment, I thought it might be him.
But it wasn’t. It was Jeff. He was standing, his wheelchair abandoned behind him. A single light outside the building reflected off the fog on the glass and created an eerie glow over the dead plants around me.
“Hey,” he said, walking slowly. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was still unsteady on his feet or if it was for my benefit.
I stood up and brushed off my pants. “Hi.”
“You okay?”
“Getting there.”
He came to a stop next to me and leaned up against a long table.
“So you have anxiety attacks?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Because I didn’t want you to treat me different.”
He nodded back toward the door. “You wanted us to treat you the same?”
