by Becca Lee
"You got something you wanna say, Lena?"
"Well, yeah. I've been thinking—"
"Okay, I'm out." Cole snorted, but Diesel threw him a look, signalling for his butt to remain on the stool.
I shot my own glare at Cole before I continued, "So, there's this job—"
"No."
Seriously, that was it. No explanation, not even a chance for me to finish my damn sentence. "You do realise I'm a grown woman, right?" Hell, even to my own ears I cringed at the whine evident. I was an adult, yet there I was asking my overprotective arsehole brother for permission to get a job. There was nothing right with this picture.
"You've got a job here. So what's the problem?" He chugged back his beer nonchalantly, not at all affected by my pissed-off stare.
I dropped my voice, leaning forward to speak. "I also have a degree in business management, yet I'm dishing out beers for a living and scrubbing down a bar."
It seemed to have an impact, but not necessarily the one I wanted. He sighed, but a flash of anger and concern crossed his face before he spoke. "Cole," he ordered. The tone was enough for Cole to stand and leave us to it. "Lena, you know I love you, and I want you to be happy, right?" He paused, waiting for me to acknowledge him. I gave him a firm nod. "You also know this is your safe space. That's why you're doing so well." I clenched my jaw, hoping desperately he wouldn't go there. "What are you going to do in a job filled with strangers in an unfamiliar place, huh?" He lifted his brow at me, pissing me off even more. "What are you going to do if you have one of your attacks?" My pissed-off stare was in danger of becoming explosive, even more so because I knew the arse was right.
In my last year at university, where I'd been studying in Melbourne, I'd witnessed shit no one should ever see. The results were not good old “simple” anxiety, if there really was such a thing. That would have been too easy. Instead, I had a type of agoraphobia. With passing years, and the help of my brother and our extended family, I was able to live a somewhat normal life. That included completing my degree online from the safety of my brother's home in Queensland, plus I finally had a few safe places where I wouldn't collapse, literally, to the ground and cower, shake, and speak in tongues. Admittedly, it wasn't quite tongues, but the after-effects always shook me up.
Despite this, I needed more. I tried not to feel guilty about that, especially considering all Diesel had already sacrificed for me so he could give me such incredible support. I had to continue to try to be strong. And the only way to do that was to push myself. My world was narrow, and at times miserably debilitating. I was unsure how much more my mind could take.
"Let me just ask you something," he said, his voice calm. "Where's the job? Is there an interview process?"
I released a tense breath. Just the thought of heading to the solicitor's office down the road, less than one kilometre away, made me break into a sweat. Yet, I was struggling to breathe in this place. "It's at Jacobs and Sons. I have an interview tomorrow."
Diesel pursed his lips and stood. "Let's get in the car for a visit now then, yeah?"
I swallowed back the panic rising in my chest and froze, knowing and hating what he was doing.
His brows dipped and regret reflected in his eyes. Walking around the bar to me, he took me in his arms and kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry, Lena. That's not going to work, okay?" I knew he was right and sniffed back my tears, hugging him back. "Let me see what I can do for you, though." I pulled away and looked at him. I didn’t dare hope, but the thrill of excitement danced in my stomach, momentarily forcing away the unbearable anxiety.
"What do you mean?" I attempted to keep my voice steady. His smile suggested I'd failed at keeping the bubbling excitement at bay.
"Let me see how we can put that brain of yours to good use and get you out of here safely, but you know this all takes time, right? It's not something that can happen tomorrow." I nodded. "Baby steps and we'll get you where you need to be."
I launched at him and held him tight. My brother could be an arse, but he could be all kinds of wonderful, too. "Thank you," I whispered against his chest, before pulling back and offering him a wide grin. I stepped out of his arms and watched him retreat from around the bar. The door opening drew my attention. For the second time that night, I froze, but for a wholly different reason. Mace had just walked in, and fuck, if that didn't make me want to run and hide rather than remain rigid and gawking.
He looked around the room, soaking everything in. His eyes flicked to the group of women in the corner, then to my brother who sat with Cole. They then landed on me. I held my breath as I took him in. Mace was an enigma. I couldn't help but feel the pull. He wasn’t a patched-in brother. He was respected by Diesel but was far enough removed from Deadwood to offer a hint of the forbidden and safe. In truth, I loved that he wasn't an official member of the MC, not that it really mattered either way. For one, I was convinced my brother would never allow a man to look at me more than once; well, not without walking away with a shiner and a limp. I was also convinced that my brother still thought I was a virgin. While my phobia taking over my life certainly felt like it, I had previously managed to escape to uni for almost three years and lived in a world outside of my brother's protective hold.
I missed those years with an aching heart every time I thought about them. Life was so simple back then. As I took in the man who avoided my gaze when he stepped towards the bar, I wished for the time I had been whole, wished for the opportunities I'd allowed to pass me by. If I could have had a do-over, I would have ensured I took nothing for granted: the touch of a man's hand on the small of my back, the freedom of the fresh air at the beach. They were simple things, but I craved them so desperately. I just had no idea how I'd get there.
Managing to find my voice to speak to Mace so he wouldn't catch my starry-eyed look, I asked, "Beer?"
He angled his head, his deep brown eyes flicking to mine and he nodded. I grabbed a bottle from the fridge to my right and opened it, placing it before him. He waited until I released it and my hands were securely behind the bar before he nodded his thanks and picked it up. He then turned his back to me and headed towards Diesel.
Everyone in the club knew to follow certain “rules” when it came to handling me. The thought used to make me cringe as much as it made me sigh in relief, but I'd soon learned to rely upon the rules, making the bar one of my safe spaces. My time in the club's bar had become an easy place to be as a result. Despite my desire to escape, I felt productive and relatively normal when surrounded by my biker family and the familiar stale scent of beer.
I watched Mace take a seat next to Diesel and shook my head. I knew telling Diesel that I wanted to be elsewhere was as crazy as it was challenging. Trying to re-enter the world sent icy fear through my veins, but it was the heat of possibility that I focused on.
I was ready.
Chapter Three
MACE
I'd spent more hours than I would allow myself to recall imagining what Lena's skin would feel like. When she'd placed my beer on the bar, though, I'd followed Diesel's instruction to the letter. No touching. But I longed to, and it was that thought that always confused me and made a sliver of guilt wrap around my heart.
While I hadn't been a monk since Abigail's death, I hadn't fucked every available pussy either; nor had I slept with the same woman more than once. Lena though, she tugged at desires I would have sooner left buried. Fantasising about the touch of her skin, let alone what her lips pressed against mine would be like, was all I needed to remind myself to put distance between us. So when I'd snatched up my beer, I hadn't even bothered voicing my thanks, afraid of what my voice would have sounded like. It was much better for her to think me an arsehole anyway.
Retreating to the table where Cole and Diesel were, I pulled out a chair and sat. I looked between them and their curious stares as they looked at me and then each other. My body tensing, I waited not so patiently, jaw ticking, for them to tell me what the fuck was going on.
Cole's grin didn't help the rise in tension. The bastard looked smug.
"I think it'll work. Just build up to it and it could be the answer you're looking for," Cole said around the fixed grin on his face.
Diesel squinted at me and then nodded, but he didn't form a smile. Instead, his eyes were hard, intense.
"You gonna tell me the fuck you’re talking about?" I placed down my bottle and positioned my hands on my thighs. While the tension had eased a little, courtesy of Cole's dickish grin, they'd had a whole damn conversation, some of it without words, about me, and I needed to know what they were planning. I didn't like surprises. Hated them as much as being kicked in the nuts.
"How's business?" Diesel asked, face unreadable. "Still got a shitload on?"
I frowned, wondering where the hell this line of questioning was headed. "Yeah, it's good," I answered cautiously.
"Last time I stopped by that dump you called an office, it looked like some sort of tornado had swept through it. What's that about?"
Diesel didn't ask dumb-shit questions. This I knew. Every question he asked had a purpose, working towards a bigger picture, yet for the life of me, I had no fucking idea where he was going with it. I relaxed back in my chair a little before I answered. "Work's busy. I hate paperwork, so stuff builds." He nodded as I spoke, seeming to like my response from the tightening of his lips and the small smile playing there. "Why do you wanna know?" With Diesel, it was so much better asking for straight-up honesty. It was how he rolled.
"Gotta proposition for you." The small smile slipped from his lips, his eyes turning serious. "More of a favour I think only you can help me out with."
I knew better than to say "anything." While Diesel was not a crook, he had his moments of bending the rules to suit himself, pretty much the way I did too.
"I'm listening." There wasn't much I wouldn't do for Diesel or any of his brothers in the MC. I'd called on them more than once to have my back, and they'd always come through for me. Just a few short months ago during all the shit caused by the sperm donor I once called Dad, they had helped to protect Jo, plus I regularly called on them if I needed support on some heavier cases.
"You know trust doesn't come easy, Mace." I stilled. "But you, brother, while you don't wear our colours, are one of us. I trust you. You're probably the only one out of the club who I actually trust with my life."
I nodded, not quite sure how to respond. I respected Diesel a lot, damn, I loved him as a brother, but still I remained uneasy, waiting for the “but.”
"But"—there it was—"there are few I would ever trust with my family, my sister." I forced myself to control my reaction and not look at Lena, who busied herself behind the bar. "But you, Mace, you I trust."
With his words, relief settled over me that I'd forced myself to remain neutral around Lena all this time. The reality of exactly how much Diesel paid attention to every interaction his sister had hit me. Immediately after the relief, anxiety stirred to life. "What's wrong with Lena? Why do you need someone you trust with her?"
Beyond her beautiful hazel eyes and skin that looked so goddamn soft, I only knew pockets of Lena's history, as well as the “rules.” I knew she had a phobia. She struggled to be in public and was anxious with strangers, could only handle certain types of physical contact. In the past few years I'd had conversations with her, which on the whole she'd handled fine. I'd also watched her only touch a few people, those who she was close to. In that time, I had seen her on two different occasions have an attack. Both times had left me momentarily paralysed and yearning for the ability to take away her fears. One was after a fight broke out in the bar and a newer member of the MC had grabbed her to move her out of the way. The other was when a stranger had entered the premises and she'd flipped.
Her meltdown debilitated her. She'd frozen, before rocking and shaking, only to close her eyes tightly and stumble to the ground. She'd muttered to herself the whole time. Rage had boiled in my system and I'd happily taken on the task of throwing the fuckers who were fighting out on their arses while Diesel had supported his sister—after punching Ice, the idiot who'd forgotten the no-touching rule. I had also reached the stranger at the same time as Cole during the second attack and helped to get him the fuck out of there.
As for why she suffered in the first place, I was still unsure. It was within my power to find out. Hell, it was what I did for a living, but researching her past would have meant I cared, and I couldn't afford to care, ever again. I knew that she hadn't always been that way and that when she'd been at university she'd witnessed hell. Physically, she'd come out relatively unscathed. Yet, I was living proof that damage didn't have to be done to you directly for you to suffer the devastating consequences.
"I need you to let Lena work for you, in your office. If salary's an issue, I've got you covered. She just needs out of this place before she loses it any more than she already has." My eyes widened. Before I could speak, Diesel continued, "Do you know what a big fucking deal this is? She's actually asking to leave this place, to go somewhere new. I need to make that happen for her."
I flicked my gaze to Lena, who smiled and spoke with Carrie, Cole's woman, oblivious to our conversation. Fuck. I had no idea how to handle the situation. From years of training in the police force, I'd learned to think quick, react fast. But there was nothing as my gaze focused on her beautiful fucking smile.
I remained silent, absorbing every movement on her face as she grinned, soaking in her laughter, which I didn't hear as often as I would have liked. I coughed and turned back to both Diesel and Cole, who stared at me intently. I hoped like hell they wouldn't ask me to move, as there was no hiding my hard-on. Everything about this request screamed bad idea, but how could I both say no to Diesel and miss out on the opportunity to help make Lena smile every fucking day? Shit. It really was a bad idea.
"Okay." Fuck me! My brain-to-voice function seemed to have melted down. How the fuck would I be able to have Lena in close proximity, hell, take care of her, and still allow my carefully erected barriers to stay strong? I slammed my mouth shut, fearing I may spew some other shit that had no business being voiced.
Diesel stood, dragging me up with him and pulling me in for a bear hug. He patted me hard on the back. "I fucking owe you, man. Seriously. I fucking knew I could count on you."
I returned the gesture knowing there was no way of backing out. My eyes landed on Lena, who looked in our direction, a crooked smile on her lips. I returned her smile, quite possibly the first I'd ever thrown her way. She reacted immediately, her eyes widening a fraction before she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. I couldn't have resisted the draw the gesture had on my gaze if I'd wanted to. It was the only mouth I'd spent time fantasizing about in years. Fuck, and doing so while in close proximity of her big, protective brother was probably not the smartest move I'd ever made.
I dragged my gaze away from her and stepped out of Diesel's grasp. He grinned widely at me, genuine relief and gratitude playing on his features. He nodded at me and indicated I should take my seat. I did so willingly, needing the solid wood under me to ground me, give me time to think through what the fuck I was going to do and how I was going to handle the situation.
"You're bloody golden, brother." He nodded at me once again, his face serious. "Let's set things in motion over the next week, work out what's to be done before I speak to Lena."
"Sure thing," I responded. "Just let me know what you need from me."
Diesel angled himself towards Cole. "Is Collins still tight with that counsellor bird?"
"Janie, yeah." Cole pulled out his phone. "You want me to set something up?"
"Yeah, get her to meet me, but not here. Let's do it at Mace's office." He looked at me, not looking for approval, just acknowledgement. I dipped my head in acceptance. "Tomorrow at 6:00 p.m. That work for you, Mace?" I nodded. "Good. Make it happen, brother," Diesel continued, once more speaking to Cole.
Cole stood and made his way out the back, phone already
to his ear. Alone, I looked back at Diesel, waiting for his play. "For this to work, I need to know how best to do it." His dropped his voice lower as he continued, "Lena's seen shrinks and whatnot before. Some helped, but then she hit a roadblock and didn't seem to make any progress, you know? Thought I could ask Janie for the best way for this to work. She seems okay. There's been no need for Lena to see anyone recently, but I thought with her making this step, it’s best I speak to someone in the know." He paused, seeming to wait for my response.
"To see how best to ease the transition?"
"Exactly." Diesel grinned in approval. "It's gonna push her, but she wants to be pushed. Just need to make sure it's not so fucking far that she falls." His brows dipped together, his eyes never straying from mine. "Tomorrow I'll be telling you shit about Lena. Only a few brothers know the full story, and for this to work, you need to know too." He paused before releasing a heavy breath. "I trust you, Mace, and I need you to know that I expect you to have Lena's back."
I made to speak. There was no fucking way I could be sticking around for babysitting duty. I was out too often on the job for that level of responsibility. Diesel shook his head and continued, "Not asking you to stop doing your job. I'll figure out the logistics of making sure one of mine is there for her, someone she trusts when you can't be."
"She trusts me?" I questioned. I remembered every single conversation I'd had with Lena; never could I recall there being a moment where she'd put her trust in me.
"She trusts me, and I trust you." He took a swig of his beer. "But it's more than that." His eyes tightened a fraction. "I've seen how she looks at you, mostly when you're not looking. I've seen the way she reacts to you too. Her defences don't kick in. She doesn't cower. In fact, it's the fucking opposite."
I locked my jaw tight, refusing to swallow, refusing to give him any tells that my adrenaline had spiked.
