by Serena Grey
Jason.
He was a storm that could affect me to the very depths of my soul with just one word. He was nectar. He was poison. He was everything I wanted but shouldn’t.
I hadn’t seen him since Amy’s revelation, and I had borne all my anger and hurt without the added agony of looking at his face or hearing his voice. Now, all the pain of the past two days tore through the layers of my mind and ripped to the surface.
No.
I started walking—fast.
“Daphne.” I heard a car door slam then his steps as he hurried toward me. I didn’t slow my pace, but he caught up and stopped in front of me, blocking me with the massive breadth of his body. “Daphne, please wait. I just want to talk.”
It wasn’t fair on my senses to have to deal with being so close to him. It wasn’t fair that my nose was filled with his scent, that even though I hadn’t lifted my gaze, my eyes had to deal with the sight of his body in front of me, clad in one of his superbly tailored bespoke suits.
I had a hard time raising my gaze to his. I had a hard time looking at the face I had come to love. I felt like I was breaking into pieces. Everything beautiful about him was painful to see—his dark hair that had been home to my fingers so many times that even now, I could practically feel the texture on my fingertips like a sensual, tactile memory, his firm lips, his piercing eyes, gray like a dark overcast sky—his perfection was like knives ripping at my heart. I was in pieces, and he looked like a god.
“Get out of my way,” I hissed through my teeth.
“We need to talk.” His voice was steady and soft, and it washed over me like a comfortable blanket. “Daphne.” He reached for me, and I flinched, almost stumbling backward in my desperation to avoid his touch.
“Don’t fucking touch me.”
His hands dropped to his sides, and his chest rose as he inhaled deeply. There were lines of strain around his eyes, and on closer inspection, I noticed his face was drawn and tired.
Not that I cared.
“I can explain,” he said softly.
“Jason,” I replied, spitting out his name like it tasted bitter on my tongue. “I don’t give a fuck what you have to say.”
A few people glanced at us as they walked past. I didn’t care. I’d make a spectacle of myself before I let him lie to me again.
Jason ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “I know you’re angry, Christ! You have every reason to be, but I deserve a chance to explain, at least. Can we go somewhere and talk?”
“Oh no, Jason.” My laugh was scornful and bitter. “We can’t go somewhere to talk, because I’d rather tear my eardrums out than listen to you.”
His eyes were pleading. “Don’t do this,” he said.
“Do what?” I exclaimed. “Fuck you, Jason. Fuck you. What more do you want? You’ve proven your sick point. Even a nun would break her vows for you—that’s how hot you are. You nailed the girl who was supposed to be staying away from sex. Hurray! Now go on to your next conquest.”
He took a step toward me. “Daphne, you know it wasn’t like that.”
I never wanted you to be alone again.
I snorted. “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”
“So, you’re really going to throw away what we have because you’re pissed about something I said before I even met you?” He sounded incredulous, like I was overreacting, like he wasn’t the one who had betrayed my trust.
I let out a short laugh. “First of all, we have nothing. Second, I’m not pissed about what you said. I’m pissed about who you are, and how I thought even for a second that maybe you were different.”
“Daphne…”
“No.” I pulled in a sharp breath and met his gaze even though looking into the storm in his eyes intensified the stabbing pains in my heart. “I never want to see you again, Jason. You’ve done enough. Thanks for showing me that instead of worrying about being alone, I should have been more concerned about running into an emotionally empty liar like you.”
“I didn’t lie to you about how I feel.” His voice was strained, urging me to believe him. “I wasn’t playing a game with you. I want to be with you and nothing I’ve done or said to you since I met you had anything to do with what I said to Amy a long time ago.”
My lips curled. “Lucky me.”
“I’m not lying, Daphne.” His eyes raked my face, looking almost desperate. “Look at me. You’re not a game to me.”
I closed my eyes and took a slow breath. I couldn’t even bring myself to really listen to what he was saying. He’d hurt me, and I just couldn’t bear to be around him anymore. “Leave me alone, Jason. Please.”
He pushed his hands into his pockets, his chest contracting as he exhaled. Looking at him reminded me how safe and happy I’d felt in his arms, how I’d believed I’d found my home. It hurt like hell. “Just go away,” I whispered. “And stay away.”
He held my gaze, his eyes clouded by something that looked like pain. “You know I can’t.”
Why did he look so sincere, so earnest? He’d gotten what he wanted. Why did he even care anymore?
“Well you’re going to have to try,” I spat, “because looking at you makes me sick to my stomach.” I gave him one last look, choking down all the pain that threatened to drown me. “Goodbye Jason,” I whispered before walking around him and into my office.
Chapter Two
Jason left me alone, as did Amy. For the next few days, I went to work and returned home to a quiet, lonely apartment. I drowned in the silence and solitude, consumed by my obsessive thoughts about Jason. I obsessed over every word we’d exchanged, and the pain wrapped around me like a suffocating blanket.
“How’re you doing?” Candace asked one day at work. She’d invited me to join her at our favorite corner diner for lunch, and I’d refused again. I was rarely hungry. Jason had not only wrecked my heart, he’d also destroyed my appetite.
“I’m great.”
“You don’t look great,” she stated bluntly. “There aren’t many non-life-threatening illness situations where this is considered a bad thing anymore, but you’re losing weight, and your makeup is not hiding the circles under your eyes.”
“I’m fine, Candace.”
She pursed her lips. “There’s still room at my place if you want to stay for a few more days. We don’t mind the company.” She watched me shake my head and sighed. “Have you thought about seeing someone? You used to see a therapist. A few sessions might help you ride this out.”
I forced a laugh. “I’m fine, really. I mean, it’s sweet that you’re so concerned, but it’s just a little guy trouble. I’m not falling apart.”
I knew it was a lie as I said it, and Candace wasn’t fooled either. She gave me a look from beneath raised eyebrows then made an exasperated sound before leaving me alone.
When she had gone, I stared blankly at my computer screen and tried to remember what I’d been planning to type in the blank white page. The only word that kept coming to my mind was Jason’s name.
Stay.
Stay.
I can’t walk away from you.
I crumpled a sheet of notepaper and hurled it at the wall in frustration. I was tired of being haunted by a man I needed to hate. I was determined to banish him from my mind, from my heart, and from my thoughts, but no matter how much I tried, it just wasn’t happening.
The next day, I forced myself through a quick lunch at my desk, and just as I finished, my door opened. I looked up, expecting to see Candace on another one of her missions to find out how I was doing, but it was Erin Burnett, one of the managing editors.
She was a willowy woman with short red hair, piercing blue eyes, and a liking for black clothes. Today, she was wearing a soft-looking turtleneck and long black pants. She looked serious, stylish and totally out of place in my tiny office.
“Hi.” She gave me an open, friendly smile and came over to stand by my desk. I’d started out at JH Publishing as her assistant, so I knew she didn’t routinely ma
ke visits to junior editor’s desks. So, although her smile was meant to put me at ease, it only made me apprehensive.
“Hi, Erin.”
“Daphne.” She drew out my name, still smiling. “I just wanted to ask if maybe you needed some time off? I noticed you’re way ahead of your schedule, and you have been for a while.”
I frowned, wondering if Candace had said something to her. “I haven’t requested any vacation time,” I mumbled, suspicious.
“I know.” She smiled patiently. “I’m not sure how to say this, but your work this past week…” She paused. “Daphne, you’ve been attaching notes to the wrong manuscripts, copying the wrong addresses in your emails—you’re not as thorough as we’ve come to expect. I think we might be working you too hard.” She smiled again. “I think you need a vacation, and I’m sure Jon will feel the same way.”
I shook my head, mortified. The idea that she would inform Jon Hewes about mistakes I’d been making with my work made me burn with embarrassment. Not only had I become a lovesick fool, I had also become a fool unable to do the job I was paid for—all thanks to Jason.
“I…um…” My voice was weak with shame. “I’ll get back to you…on the vacation.”
“Soon,” she stated. It wasn’t a question.
“Soon,” I repeated woodenly.
I spent the rest of the day trying to rectify some of the errors I’d made in the previous days. By the time I finally got home, I was exhausted, and all I wanted was to crash into bed and sleep.
As I let myself in, I saw Amy seated on a barstool beside the kitchen island, her body hunched over. Her slight frame looked even smaller in an oversized sweater and black sweats. She saw me and attempted a smile.
I closed the door behind me, feeling all the pain and frustration of the past week welling up. I missed Amy. I missed her quirkiness and her sweet nature. I missed how she’d made me feel at home from the moment I moved into the apartment. I even missed Colin and the nickname only he called me.
I just couldn’t get past the anger and hurt I was feeling, even though I hated that she was miserable. I hated that I’d allowed her brother to come between us, but I couldn’t get past the fact that with her unguarded statements, she had set Jason on the path to wrecking my heart in the first place.
“Hey.” Her voice was hesitant. “You’re home.”
I drew in a long breath. “Yeah.”
She was silent. There was a drunk elf key holder by the door, another one of her quirky art pieces. I hung my keys and steeled myself for whatever she planned to say.
“Did you read my note?”
I folded my arms. “I did.”
“I’m really, really sorry, Daphne. I haven’t been able to think about anything else since…”
“Since you found out your brother challenged himself to nail your roommate because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut?”
She flinched. “I understand that you’re mad at me. I deserve it. At the time, I just didn’t think—”
“Why would you?” I countered bitterly. “With your picture-perfect life, your perfect parents, perfect ranch house with the perfect lake and the perfect housekeeper and the doting brother and the perfect boyfriend, how would it ever occur to you not to be careless with something your pathetic new roommate told you in confidence?”
Her eyes filled with tears, and so did mine. I hated the mean things I was saying and wanted to apologize, but pain and anger had taken hold of my heart and left me cold and empty.
“I don’t think you’re pathetic,” Amy said in a small voice.
“Well, thanks to you and your brother, I actually kind of am.” I started to walk away. I was moments away from bawling, and I didn’t want to cry in front of her.
“Daphne, I’m sorry.”
I didn’t stop walking. I went into my room and closed the door behind me.
I spent the weekend indoors, mostly in my room. I avoided Amy because I knew if we spoke again, I would break down and forgive her, but I couldn’t do that. If I didn’t hold on to my anger, I would have only the pain, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear it.
After attempts to read, sleep, relax, and do yoga, I gave up. Nothing worked. The weekend went by slowly, and on Sunday afternoon, when I heard Amy’s chirpy doorbell ringing insistently, I was almost relieved to go see who it was.
I knew it couldn’t be Jason. I was fairly sure he wouldn’t come here, not after I let him know how disgusted he made me and that I never wanted to see him again. My certainty was confirmed when I looked through the peephole and saw Colin.
I felt a faint twinge of disappointment, because somewhere inside, I’d hoped it would be Jason coming to brush aside all my protests and make sure I listened to him.
That was how pathetic I was.
I opened the door and gave Colin a warm smile, trying not to think of the last time I’d seen him, the morning I’d gone from euphoric to devastated in the space of a few words.
“Hey, Colin,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Hey, Daph.” He gave me a sweet smile. “I haven’t seen you in a while. How’re you doing?”
“Great.” I exhaled. “Just great.” I stepped back to let him into the apartment and closed the door behind him.
Inside, he hesitated, and there was an odd look on his face. “Is Amy home?” he asked.
I frowned. “You didn’t call?”
“No…”
“I don’t know if she’s in, but you can go check in her room.”
He chuckled. “Still not talking to her?”
I didn’t answer.
“You know Amy would never do anything to hurt anyone, not deliberately.”
I knew that, but it didn’t change how I felt. “I’m sure Amy’s waiting for you in her room,” I said, my voice tight.
He sucked in a breath. “That’s the thing,” he said. “I wanted to talk to you for a bit. Amy’s been…” He paused. “She’s been avoiding me.”
That made no sense. I knew Amy was crazy about him. There was no scenario I could imagine in which she would actively avoid Colin or choose to be without him.
“I don’t understand.”
He sighed. “Neither do I. She’s blaming herself for what happened, you know, between you and Jason…and I think she’s beating herself up so much about it that she feels guilty about being with me.”
“That’s ridiculous. Amy would never…” But I knew she would. It was just the sort of thing she would do if she felt she’d done something unforgivable.
And for days I’d made her feel like she’d done something unforgivable.
I’d ignored the part where I lied to her, hid my relationship with Jason from her, and ignored her initial warning about the kind of guy he was, all because I didn’t want to see how I’d been at fault as well.
“Daph.” Colin’s voice had an imploring note. “I know you’re mad at her, but she’s your friend, and she cares about you. She really does. You can work through this.”
And then what? Would I forgive her and then have to forgive her brother too? Would I have to endure his presence when he dropped by the apartment as he sometimes did? That would destroy me. My only option was to put my walls up, firmly and implacably. I could not afford to relive my pain again and again until it burned me to ashes.
“I don’t know what you expect me to do,” I told Colin. “And you know, no matter what it is, I’m not even sure I’m inclined to do it.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Why don’t you go see if she’s in? Maybe you can convince her not to push you away, but I’m not sure I can.”
He nodded quietly, the understanding on his face making me feel even more guilty. He went to Amy’s room, and after a few knocks, she opened the door. I heard their voices as they spoke for a few moments then Amy’s door shut again and Colin walked back into the living room. He looked frustrated and sad, and despite my stubbornness, I cared, and I was sorry.
He gave me a wan smile as he went to the door. “Take care, Daph,” he
said, not waiting for me to respond before he went out and closed the door behind him.
I hesitated for only a moment before I marched to Amy’s door and pushed it open. She was sitting in bed, frowning at her laptop screen. She looked up when I entered, and I noticed she was crying.
“Is he gone?” she asked.
I nodded.
She sniffed and went back to looking at her screen.
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch.”
She shook her head. “You haven’t really, and I deserved the silent treatment.”
“I don’t know,” I said, going over to sit beside her on the bed. “I think I have.”
She placed her laptop on the nightstand and faced me with wide, sad eyes. “I deserved it.”
I sighed. “I mean, I lied to you, too. I lied…a lot. If I’d have told you right from the start that I was seeing…” I stopped, unable to bring myself to say his name and unleash the well of pain that would come with it. “If I had told you I was seeing your brother or thinking about it, you’d have told me the truth.”
She closed her eyes. “I would have. I would. When I had that conversation with Jason…” She gave me an apologetic glance. “I wasn’t trying to tell him about you. When I moved in here with him after college, he had this strange idea that he had to stop bringing women over because…you know how protective he is. He didn’t want me running into random women every morning.”
As I wondered where she was going with her story, I tried to curtail the feeling of jealousy that arose from thinking of Jason with random women over the years.
“When he moved out, he didn’t want me to get a new roommate,” she continued. “He wanted to keep paying the rent, but I insisted on finding someone so I could afford to keep this place without his help or my parents’.”
“And you found me.”
“Yes.” She sighed. “I just wanted to assure him that you weren’t…that I wasn’t going to be waking up to strange guys lounging around the house every morning. That’s why I told him you were celibate. When he joked that nobody had ever been celibate around him, I told him he had a big head. When you told me he wasn’t your type, I forgot about the whole thing entirely. You never acted as if there was anything going on between you guys.”
