I sucked in a breath, humming with so many different things. My shocked gaze met his haunted icy eyes. His skin was ashen, cheekbones standing in stark relief. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. But beneath the haunted pallor, he shone with the connection. He felt it, too. He burned the same as me. “Feel that? It’s fate. We’re meant to be together. Please, Zel. Don’t you know? Don’t you know how much I fucking care for you? How much I miss you? I didn’t run; I went to find redemption. And I can touch. I’m touching you now.” He sucked in a breath, leaning in close, sending more jolts through my blood. “I’m here. For you. For her. Forever if you’ll have me. Just please—forgive me.”
“He’s not a bad man. I love him, so he’s not a bad man.”
My knees wobbled and thoughts flew out of my head. I rolled my shoulders under his grip, wanting him far away. I couldn’t handle what he invoked in me. I couldn’t succumb yet again. He wasn’t safe. To my safety or my sanity. “How can you say that? Do you honestly think I could come back to you? Even if I could forgive you for running, it doesn’t stop the fact that you can’t give me what I need. You’re a danger to everyone who gets close to you. Every adult, child, and baby—if they touch you wrong, you’ll kill them.”
I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t let him near his child as I would never be able to trust him. My heart hammered against my ribs in horror. I’m having your child and I can’t tell you as I don’t trust you not to kill it.
His face twisted, darkening with anger. “I can’t live without you, dobycha.”
My eyes flew wide. “Don’t call me that. I’m not your prey. I’m your fucking equal and—” I didn’t know what else to say. My shoulders rolled and I muttered, “Even if I did want—” I slashed a hand across my face, so heavy and tired. “You destroyed me, Fox, and now I want you to let me go.”
How could love be so wrong?
How could it all be for nothing?
Raising my head again, I shut myself down. I needed to get away from him so I could go back to mourning Clara. “Leave me alone, please. I don’t want to discuss this. Today isn’t about us. It’s about Clara. And you have no respect to her memory by making me fight with you.”
Fox bared his teeth; his hands clamped harder on my shoulders. I shivered as another wave of tension and rain of energy lit me up from the inside out.
“Respect? You don’t think I have respect? I have so much fucking respect for you it scares me. You have a power over me that you don’t even know. And today is a perfect day to clear the air because Clara didn’t want us fighting. She wanted us to be happy.”
“Don’t you dare use Clara against me!” Furious tears sprang to my eyes. I couldn’t believe his nerve.
He shook his head. His thumbs rubbed my shoulders; every sweep was like a tiny bomb restarting my heart, reminding me what he had was unique and way too special to destroy.
Fox pressed his face against mine, giving me no choice but to see the soul deep pain inside him. “I’ll never be able to tell you how much I loved your daughter and how much she cured me. I’ll never be able to show the depth of my hatred for myself for leaving you when you needed me most. I’ll never have the words to beg for your forgiveness and be worthy. But I need you, Hazel. I thought I could walk away and let you go, but I can’t. I need you too damn much. You make me feel alive. You make my fucking heart beat for the first time, and I’m not going to give that up.
“No matter how you fight me, I will never stop. Every day, I’ll try again and again. Every hour, I’ll touch you, just to prove I’m willing to be everything you need and deserve. You’ll never be free of me because I can’t live another day without you in my fucking life.”
I wanted.
I desired.
I wanted to buckle and let him sweep me away.
He’ll kill your unborn baby. He ran when Clara died. You can’t do this.
My entire body vibrated; I couldn’t control myself. Snarling, I hissed, “You used us. You bought me, and you fell for Clara, but it was all to fix you. It was all about you. Fucking you. You, you, you.
“All your talk of never letting me go because you can’t live without me. All your promises that you can be worthy. It’s all still about you!
“What about me and Clara—what we needed? I gave you everything, including my daughter, and what has it done for me?”
I tore out of his grip and shoved a finger in his face. “I’ll tell you what it’s done for me. It’s shown me I’m better off on my own. You have no choice in the matter. I won’t allow you to touch me or chase me or hope for a second chance. It’s over!”
The image of the little boy swamped me again. I knew in my bones I carried a son. His son. The son I would raise on my own. The son he wouldn’t know about as he was too volatile, too fucked-up to trust.
“You’re not safe. I’m not going to put myself in harm’s way anymore. I’m done, Fox. You need to forget about me.”
I hated every word. Half of me believed them, the other half wanted to wash my mouth out. I spun lies just like my past, mixing with truth until I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.
“Don’t fight, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad.”
I almost folded in two as my heart tore itself into pieces.
“Fuck, Hazel.” Fox sucked in an unsteady breath, dragging shaky hands through his hair. “Please. Let me show you. I’ve changed. Let me tell you where I went. I’ll never hurt you again. Just please—don’t walk away and make me lose you, too. I won’t fucking survive it. And I’ve survived too much to let you give up on me. I won’t fucking let you!”
My heart wanted to believe him. I wished I could forgive and trust him, but I was empty. He’d used up all my reserves. The fight had drained me. All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep. There was nothing left. I couldn’t fall back into old patterns and keep hoping he was safe. I didn’t want to live in fear of touching him or never having sex without bondage.
I’m pregnant.
I had to think of the fragile life inside me, not just his needs and my own. I had to be strong.
Straightening my back, I said, “You don’t have the choice. You lost me the moment you left.”
Swallowing hard, I looked at him, committing him to memory. He looked like he’d been to war and not come back. With bronze hair and a body scarred with tales, he’d proven too broken to fix. I could’ve spent an entire lifetime trying to piece him back together and never figured out the complete picture.
Boundless grief squeezed me.
“Stop fighting. Forgive him.”
Fox lost the element of fighter, letting me see the truth for the first time. Beneath the scar and anger he was terrified, lost, and all alone. My heart broke all over again.
“Zel. Please. Tell me how I can fix this.”
I couldn’t do this anymore. He was like a black-hole sucking all my energy until I swayed in the wind.
God, Clara. I miss you so much. I need you here. I need you to repair the mess I’ve made.
“Fix it? How can you fix it? Are you a necromancer and can bring back my daughter? Can you heal my broken heart? Can you stop this awful eclipse inside me?”
He hung his head, gritting his teeth. His muscular arms wrapped around himself, holding tight.
My fingers twitched to reach for him, to wipe away the lone tear that trickled down his face. He looked so broken. Throbbing with agony, living with the twin of my pain. We were two halves of a shattered circle. Microscopic pieces that couldn’t survive without the other. And I wouldn’t survive if I gave into him. Fate had screwed us over.
It was time to end this once and for all.
With shaky hands, I pushed aside my long hair and unclasped the necklace from around my throat. Clara’s star sat above my own, clinking together ever since the hospital gave me back her belongings.
“Can I give Roan my star? I can’t take it with me.”
I sucked in a breath, battling my tears. She wante
d Fox to have it. I would honour her wish.
Pooling the silver into my palm, I held my hand out. “Here. She wanted you to have this.”
Fox’s eyes fell on the necklace and a feral, heart-wrenching noise erupted from his chest. Something exploded inside him and he hurled himself at me. Large arms wrapped around my body, squeezing me tight.
Life ended.
Then began again.
Noise ceased.
Then came again.
Heat froze.
Then enveloped again.
Sorrow disappeared.
Then settled again.
I left behind Hazel Hunter the second his arms clutched me against him. I became nothing more than a woman adored by a man so deeply destroyed he would never be perfect.
Every spark that existed between us fried my brain, kick-started my heart, and consumed my senses. I breathed in smoke and metal. I pressed against firm muscle and body heat. I was nothing but his.
His.
His.
His.
I was alive, wanted, worshipped. I believed his promises. He would never run again. He would fight beside me and love me always.
I broke.
Tears cascaded into a soul-grieving waterfall. I stood mute and frozen in his arms as Clara filled my thoughts.
“I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”
The breeze twirled around us and I swore I heard her whisper, “I’m glad you’re not fighting anymore. Don’t fight, mummy. Save him.”
“Hug me back,” Fox murmured, pressing a kiss on my ear. His lips sent tingles and love right into my heart. It didn’t feel right falling so deeply only moments after my daughter’s funeral. Propriety and heartbreak tried to stop me from reeling into a future where I might just learn how to be happy.
Fox squeezed me harder, kissing the salty tears running down my face. “Hug me, goddammit. I need you to touch me. I need to show you I can be who you deserve. I need to know I haven’t ruined everything.”
“He needs you, mummy.”
With Clara in my thoughts, I tentatively raised my arms and looped them around his back. The moment I touched him, he tensed.
I froze, battling hope and fear inside me. He said I had a power over him. That wasn’t true. He had a power over me: he could snap my spine and steal my life and in that very moment I wouldn’t have cared. His arms were an aphrodisiac, a heady promise that made me sacrifice my life all too easily.
Fox’s body shuddered around mine, feeling like a taut string about to snap. “Hug me harder. I can do this,” he whispered. He sounded strangled, out of breath.
When I didn’t obey, he clutched me tighter. “Do it, Zel.”
Thinking of Clara and how much I wished it was her I hugged, I wrapped my arms harder, banding like a prison around his waist. If he killed me at least I would be with her sooner than I’d planned. I could stop fighting for everything that I wanted and just rest.
Fox shuddered, stiffened, jerked, but he kept his promise and didn’t hurt me. His biceps twitched against my arms as he gathered me even closer, as if he could weld us together.
My mind swam with connection; my body sparked and tripped everywhere he touched. Now I knew what it felt like touching your perfect other—the missing half.
Fox nuzzled my neck, his hot breath caressing me. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I left because it was the only option. I did it to keep you safe—to give you a future. I want to deserve you, Zel, and never put you at risk again. I know I’ll never deserve you, but let me serve you with my life. Let me spend every day trying to be better so one day you can love me.”
My legs threatened to buckle as weakness filled me. Weakness for what he offered. Weakness for needing him.
I do love you and that’s what cripples me.
With my last reserves, I tried to stop the inevitable. “You were meant to help me save her. You were meant to save me.” I sucked in a breath, running out of oxygen as grief took me hostage once more. “You—you—” My voice broke and my heart died all over again. “You were supposed to save both of us, yet you didn’t. She died, Roan. She’s—she’s—she’s gon—” I couldn’t finish as massive sobs exploded from my lungs.
A week I’d cried but I hadn’t found comfort in tears. I hadn’t found peace or a place to heal.
But now I did.
It felt caustic and healing and purifying.
Tidal wave after tidal wave.
I let go.
My heart broke, and I crumbled. I let everything free and drenched his black shirt.
Fox held me, giving me somewhere to cling. He smoothed my hair and kissed my cheek and fed me strength just by holding me.
He gave me what I needed all along. He smashed all my reservations that he couldn’t give me what I desired and proved love could change anyone—no matter how destroyed.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” he murmured. He rocked me until my legs gave out, then scooped me into his strong arms.
I barely noticed I went from vertical to horizontal as my mind wept for everything I’d lost. Fox cuddled me close just like I’d wanted and dreamed for. His heartbeat thudded thick and loud beneath my ear, giving me an anchor to focus on.
“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad.”
“I’m here and I’m never leaving. You don’t have to fight on your own anymore, Zel.” His voice rumbled in his chest, sending shockwaves through my body.
My eyes filled with fire. A pain that burned and stabbed and lacerated as I cried and cried and cried. The eternity of relief he granted turned me from woman to puddle. The knowledge that my battles were halved; that every high and low would now be shared sent another crash of sorrow over me.
If only I’d met him sooner. If only the doctors had found out about Clara sooner. If only…if only.
“I’ll give you everything, Zel. Everything that I am.” He kissed my jaw, my temple, my cheek. He worshipped me in kisses. “Please. Don’t make me beg. I can’t do this. I can’t be apart from you. I can’t. I need you so fucking much.”
My back ached; every part of me was in pain. I was utterly ruined.
Tilting my chin upward, Fox pressed his lips against mine, drinking in the salt from my tears. He murmured against my mouth, “You’re mine, and I refuse to live without you.” He made me swallow every regret, every sadness he lived with. “You’re mine, Hazel Hunter. And I’m taking you home to heal.”
“He needs you, mummy. Go with him. Don’t be sad.”
My entire body vibrated with a potent mix of confusion, anger, and hunger. Hunger for him. Hunger for what he promised.
He didn’t wait for my reply. His tongue speared into my mouth, giving me no choice but to kiss him back. He took and he gave and he consumed, dragging unwilling desire through my blood until it throbbed in my core. He brought me back to life even though I wanted to stay wallowing in my tears. I wasn’t ready to face life without Clara. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to embrace the world he offered or the baby growing inside me.
I’m not ready.
“Please,” he whispered. His breath tickled my cheek and my traitorous body hummed. He helped dull the pain of Clara. He gave me something else to focus on.
Forgive him. Accept him.
I pulled back.
His eyes were glazed and heavy. His body wrapped around mine as if he could protect me from so many other tragic things. Almost every part of me touched every part of him. How was that possible?
Sniffing back my tears, I asked, “How can you stand to be this close?”
He shook his head. “I’ll tell you if you come home with me.”
I wanted to say no. I deserved to live in misery. I didn’t deserve any chance at happiness. Why should a parent outlive her child?
But my trials in life had taught me nothing lasted forever and the best things were fleeting—treasures to be enjoyed for however long they lasted before they were gone. Clara
was too precious—too perfect to last. I’d been granted a miracle and it had ended before I was ready.
“Don’t be sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”
I looked over Fox’s shoulder at the horses in the field. They tossed their manes, and pawed the ground, welcoming my daughter and granting her immortality. “Okay, Clara. Okay.”
Clara taught me precious things were worth fighting for. And the ultimate prizes of life demanded payments that sometimes seemed too high.
“Okay,” I whispered.
Fox looked as if the sun had finally found its way into his soul. “Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay, I’ll come home with you. For Clara. For us.”
This was the man I was in love with.
The father of my unborn child.
The man I wouldn’t give up on.
* * *
It turned out Clue and Ben knew my decision before me. They’d left, leaving me stranded and pissed off at their blatant disregard for my choices. Clue didn’t know what Fox was capable of. I doubted they would’ve been so keen to abandon me with a man with such a tangled past had they known.
I glared at Fox’s innocent look as he carried me to his Porsche. I had no doubt he had something to do with Clue and Ben leaving with no qualms to my safety.
Then my heart melted at the thought of him securing such an amazing place for Clara to find peace. He’d been thinking of her, even when he’d left.
“Thank you,” I said as Fox placed me ever so gently into the expensive car and buckled me in. A gust of chocolate caught me from his hair; my stomach fluttered with how attentive and caring he was.
“For what?” He stood upright, the grey clouds framing his black-clad body.
“For this.” I nodded at the field and the horses. “For caring enough. For giving her a piece of yourself.”
He rolled his shoulders and sniffed. Avoiding my eyes, he said, “I wanted to make her dreams come true. I thought if she was placed here, she’d eventually become part of the horse, evolve into…more. Become what she always wanted.”
My throat closed up, and I dropped my eyes. Who was this man? This damaged, scarred, enigma of a man? I loved the thought of Clara evolving—always happy. I loved his reasoning behind his choice of resting spot.
