The whole time he was talking, he never looked away from me, not afraid to show me the anger he holds or the way he feels about me.
My eyes are burning with unshed tears, but I try my best not to let them fall. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he just hurt me. I stay quiet, not knowing what to say to what he just shared, and also in my attempt to keep the tears at bay.
He pushes himself away from the wall and walks toward me. When he’s side by side with me, each of us not looking at each other but at the opposite wall, he says, “Thanks for the talk. I feel so much better now.” With that, he walks out of the room and goes outside.
As soon as I hear the front door close, I fall to my knees and let the tears fall. If I thought I felt horrible before, knowing that I brought my shit to their doorstep and inadvertently put Dani in danger, then seeing how Toby and Blaze fought last night, it’s nothing to how I feel now after listening to Louie put it all out there. He’s absolutely right. If something happened to Dani, it would be my fault, and Toby fighting with his brother, that’s all my fault too.
Needing to just get out of here, away from everything, I get up and walk to my desk. I turn off my computer, grab my purse, and walk out through the back.
I don’t see anyone out here, so whoever is supposed to be watching the outside of the shop is probably up front with Louie or walking around to make sure everything is as it should be.
Not wanting to go up to my apartment, but also not wanting Rick to be able to find me if he’s looking, I decide to walk down a couple of blocks and get a taxi. I’m not sure where I’m going to go, I just know I need to go someplace quiet so I can think and get away for a while. Everyone will just think I’m upstairs and Toby won’t be back for at least a couple of hours anyway, so no one will know I went out by myself.
I hail a taxi and ask him to just drive for a while. When the meter hits twenty-five dollars, I ask him if he could take me to a place that’s quiet, maybe a place people go to stare at the stars. Probably not the best thing to ask a taxi driver – take me someplace quiet – in case they are rapists or murders, but I take the chance, not finding it in myself to be concerned. Ten minutes later, we pull up to what looks like a lookout point. I thank the driver, pay the toll, and get out of the car. There’s a small parking lot with only a few cars parked and a trail that leads up a hill. There’s a sign at the bottom that says there are five different cliffs with a lookout, so I go to the top one. If I’m lucky, no one else will be up there and I can be alone to clear my head and think.
It takes me about a half an hour to make it to the top, but once I’m there and look out over the town and up at the stars, it’s worth it. Why haven’t I been out here before now? It’s breathtaking; quiet and peaceful, beautiful and majestic. I think I found my new favorite place.
Since I don’t have a blanket, I just find a nice grassy area to lay down. The ground is a little cold, but feels nice on my overheated skin.
I spend a little bit of time looking for the few constellations I know, then try to see if I can pick any of my own out. I find a little comfort in doing something that I used to do so much of as a child; make shapes or animals out of the clouds or stars.
When I close my eyes, my mind replays the events of the past few weeks; that first night at the club with Toby, spending as much time with him as possible, getting to know him, and then falling for him. Then I replay the day in the shop where Dani and I really talked about what was going on with Toby and I, feeling like we were real friends and not just employer and employee, being grateful to have met her and to be able to call her my friend.
Then it shoots to images of Rick pulling me by my hair, listening to him put me down and call me a bitch, and me trying, and failing, to fight him off. When Dani came to my rescue and then the look Rick gave me before he left. I remember the fighting, everyone yelling and pissed off that Mack knew and didn’t tell anyone. Toby and Blaze wanting to kill each other, then Dani fighting with Blaze. The last image I see before I fall asleep, laying there under the stars, is of Toby and I lying on the couch, and him telling me he loves me.
In my dreams, I replay everything that I did when I was awake, but the ending’s a little different.
Everything stays the same until I get to the part where Rick appears. He came into the shop, told me he was taking me back home with him and started dragging me out of the building. Dani came into the room and held the gun at him, but instead of it scaring him away, it made him angrier. He swung out, his fist connecting with Dani’s face, which had her dropping the gun.
Rick leaning down to pick the gun up and pointing it at Dani. I yell and try to get his attention off of her, but it’s too late. He pulls the trigger. There’s so much blood surrounding her. She’s so still, like she’s sleeping, but I know better.
Suddenly, Rick disappears, and in his place is Toby and Blaze. The way they are looking at me, blaming me, and so angry that I put her in danger. It’s my fault she’s dead. I try to tell them I’m so sorry, that I didn’t mean for it to happen, but they don’t hear me.
Then Toby is holding a gun and it’s directed at me. I yell and plead, tell him I love him and that I thought he loved me too, but he just shakes his head and snarls at me that he could never love someone like me. When he pulls the trigger, instead of the pain, I’m teleported back to New York, and back to Rick. “You’re mine now, bitch!” He yells before leaping forward and wrapping his hands around my throat and squeezing.
Jolting awake, I reach up to my neck, gasping for air. It felt so real, all of it. The pain I felt in my dream about Dani dying, Toby not loving me, and knowing I’m never going to get away from Rick, it’s all there. I can still feel it all.
Dropping my head to my hands, I start to cry again. I cry for putting Dani in danger, I cry for not being worthy of Toby’s love, and I cry for myself. I just want to disappear and take all of my troubles with me. If it would guarantee safety for those I’ve come to love and care about, then I would gladly disappear, but it doesn’t work that way, unfortunately.
I hear a twig snap, which has fear pulsing rapidly through my body. My nervous system is really taking a ride tonight―I’m all over the place.
Staying very still, I try to look around without drawing attention to myself. I have no idea how long I’ve been here, but I suddenly realize it was a big mistake to come here by myself. It could be Rick. He could have followed me here and found me. No one knows I’m even gone or where I am.
My heart is beating loud and fast. I’m afraid whoever made that noise will be able to hear it and it will bring them right to me, but then I hear a voice that has my heart beating fast for a whole other reason. “Sara?” It’s Toby. I have no idea how he knew I was here, but I’m so thankful it’s him and not someone else.
I stand up and see him about ten feet away from me. He sees me instantly, but instead of waiting for him to walk to me, I start running and don’t stop until I’m in his arms. “How did you find me?” I ask after a couple of minutes, not wanting him to let me go, but knowing we should probably get out of here. I don’t want to be here anymore anyway. I still can’t get that dream out of my head.
“I tracked your phone. What the fuck were you thinking, Sara? You just fucking left without telling Louie you were even leaving work. Everyone thought you just went home, but when I got there after you wouldn’t answer your phone, you weren’t even there. Everyone’s been worried and out looking for you. So tell me, what the fuck where you thinking, coming out here by yourself?” He sounds equal parts relieved and pissed. I know I shouldn’t have left, or at least left without telling anyone where I was going, but he doesn’t need to yell at me. Doesn’t he understand what I’m going through, or have a clue as to what I’m feeling?
Stepping out of his arms, I glare at him. “I just wanted to get away and be alone. I’m sorry I didn’t fucking tell Louie I was leaving, not like he’d fucking care anyway,” I say, just as pissed. I can’t deal
with all of this. “Just take me home.” I don’t wait for him to respond, I just start making my way back down the hill towards the road.
He doesn’t try to talk to me on the way down the hill, nor does he say anything as I climb behind him on his bike.
As soon as we make it to my apartment, I jump off and make my way upstairs.
When I open my door, I don’t expect anyone to be there, but sitting on my couch and around my kitchen table is Dani, Blaze, Louie, Mack, the prospect who was up here the other night, and a few guys that I can’t remember their names.
Dani stands up and rushes toward me as soon as I walk in the door. “Oh my God, are you okay? I was so worried something happened to you!” I feel bad that I worried her, but I just don’t think I can deal with anything else tonight.
“I’m sorry I worried you. I’m fine though, really. I just want to go to bed.” I step out of her embrace and walk over to my bedroom.
“Yeah, sure, of course. Let me go to the bathroom and I’ll come with you.” I hear Blaze growl just as Toby walks into the room.
I look to him, then to Dani. “No, I’m fine. I think you should go home tonight, Dani. I just want to be alone.” I say the last part while looking at Toby, trying to get my point across that I don’t want him here either. It’s not that I don’t want Dani here, it’s more that I don’t want to cause any more problems for her or put her in any more danger. At least for the night, she can be home with the man she loves and be safe.
I don’t wait for her to respond, but as I close my door, I hear her say, “If you’re sure.” I hope she understands and doesn’t think that I’m ungrateful for all she’s done for me. I’m just at my end for tonight and I don’t even know what time it is.
As I climb into bed, I can hear the murmurs of people talking but can’t make out the words. Realizing I don’t even have the energy to care, I just close my eyes and fall asleep. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
CHAPTER 13
Toby
After Sara closes her bedroom door, I stand and stare after her. I have no idea what the fuck happened today, but whatever it was, it’s not a good thing. I could tell right away when I found her tonight that something was wrong. At first she was relieved and happy to see me, though maybe a little hesitant and curious about how I found her. But then she turned distant and pissed off.
Looking over toward where Louie is leaning against a wall by the kitchen, I point at him and growl, “You. Outside, now.” I don’t wait for him to answer or to make sure someone is staying inside to make sure Sara is safe. I just know that one of my brothers will be here.
Once I’m outside, I start pacing, trying to figure out what could have happened to make Sara go off by herself tonight. Whatever happened though, I have a feeling that it has something to do with Louie, and if it wasn’t him specifically, he’ll at least be able to give me a rundown of what could have happened. When I left this morning, things were fine, so something happened between the time she woke up and the time I found her tonight.
I hear, rather than see, Louie come outside behind me. Before I can even question him about Sara’s behavior, he starts talking. “Look, I don’t know what happened today. One minute we’re both working quietly together, not really talking unless we needed to, then the next, shit just got outta control.” Having no clue what he’s talking about, I just give him a look that tells him he better start explaining before I lose my shit.
He runs his hand through his hair in frustration. “It’s just things have been so fucked up lately. I mean, first with Dani and Blaze getting together, then her getting kidnapped. I feel so fucking guilty about it that I just want to kick my own ass. I let my hurt feelings get in the way of our friendship, and I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. If I wasn’t so selfish and butt hurt over her wanting to be with Blaze and not me, she wouldn’t have been taken in the first place.” He’s the one pacing now while I’m standing still in shock at what he’s saying. I knew he took Dani and Blaze getting together hard, but I had no idea he was still feeling guilty. The fucker keeps everything locked inside until it just explodes.
“Then things with Harlow got fucked up and before I could apologize or make things right, she just up and fucking leaves without saying why, where she’s going, or how long she’d be gone. Shit, she didn’t even say if she was even coming back!” He’s still pacing, but now he’s starting to get angry. He’s kicking rocks or anything else that comes into his path. “And now there’s this shit with Sara. I know she didn’t mean for this shit to follow her, or for Dani to get involved, but she did. She fucking did because it’s Dani we’re talking about, and of course, she has to be the fucking badass, the fucking hero, and save the fucking day. She could have been hurt, man. Her and the baby! And again, I should have fucking been there. If I was there the day that fucker Rick tried to take Sara, he would already be in the ground. Dani wouldn’t have put herself in danger and this shit wouldn’t be hanging over Sara’s head. You and Blaze wouldn’t be fighting and everything would be fine. I just can’t fucking deal with all of this shit. I feel like it all comes down to me being a dipshit and not being there. It all comes back to me.” He stops in front of the building and is breathing heavily. Then he lifts his fist and punches the side of the building. “Fuck!”
I know he needs to vent and let out all his frustrations, but punching a brick wall isn’t the best way to do that. Plus, he still needs to tell me what any of that has to do with Sara going off on her own tonight and the way she’s acting now.
When he pulls back to punch the wall again, I’m instantly behind him, holding his arm back. He looks over his shoulder at me, at first with an angry glint in his eye, then it disappears and is replaced with a look I’ve never seen on Louie before―regret.
He drops his head and I feel his arm go slack, so I release him. “So what does any of this have to do with my woman taking off tonight and putting herself in danger?” I have a feeling I know, and I’m so fucking close to taking a page out of Louie’s book and punch shit too, but I need to know for sure; I need to know exactly what happened so I can fix this shit.
He steps away from me, probably knowing that it’s a good idea to put distance between us. “Like I said, we were both working quietly together, only talking when we had to, but then at the end of the day, she came into my station and asked what was wrong; said that I was acting closed off or some shit, and that she was willing to listen. I just snapped. It was like a switch was flipped and everything that’s been going on, all that shit just came out. I told her about Dani and Blaze and feeling like I’ve lost my best friend. I told her about Harlow leaving and how it drives me fucking crazy not knowing where she went, what happened, and when or if she’ll even be back. Then about the shit that followed her here, and how it could’ve hurt Dani. I was pissed, but I didn’t mean to make her feel guilty, I really didn’t. So, I walked out front to calm down and then I was going to go back in and make sure she was okay and apologize, but she wasn’t there. I assumed she just went home. I stayed out back, watching until you showed up.”
I’ve never been so at odds with any of my brothers, and now I feel like I’m at war with not one, but two of them. I want to deck Louie and bash his face in until he’s unrecognizable. Then I want to go at Blaze and do the same thing, but I know I can’t. I just don’t understand how they can act so heartless when it comes to Sara. I mean, yeah, she brought her past with her, but it was unknowingly. She would never have put Dani or anyone else in danger on purpose. I just wish they would see that, or think before they said shit that made things worse on me and her.
I have no idea where her head is now, but I do know that the shit from Rick fucked with her big time. Then add to that, the way Blaze has been acting, and now Louie, it’s no wonder she’s being distant. I probably didn’t help matters when I got pissed at her for leaving without protection. She probably wanted some alone time, time to process what has been happening, and then I go and fuck that up by yel
ling at her. Fuck, this is all just a big pile of fucked up shit.
“I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, for her to take off on her own. If something would have happened, I wouldn’t have been able to ever forgive myself. I’m sorry,” he breathes out as he turns so his back is to the building, then slides down so he’s sitting. I follow his actions and sit beside him.
“I know, man, I know. I fucked up too. I never should have yelled at her when I found her tonight. I think I fucked up even worse than you and Blaze. I fucking love that girl, and instead of just taking her in my arms and making sure she was all right and just being happy I found her, I just got pissed that she left and made her feel even worse than she probably already does.” How in the hell am I going to make this shit right with her?
We are both quiet for a couple of minutes, each probably trying to get a handle on what is going on, though I bet Louie is probably going through a lot more than that in his head.
Not really wanting to dig into his head right now, but thinking this might be the best time to do so, I ask, “What’s happened with you and Harlow?” We don’t look at each other, but I can see out of the corner of my eye that he stiffens at the mention of her name, and then he laughs softly.
“What the fuck didn’t happen with her might be the right question.” I don’t say anything. I let him gather his thoughts and wait for him to elaborate. “When she started working at the shop, at first, I just liked to push her buttons. She always seemed so proper and innocent, but was always sassy. It was confusing as fuck and a complete contradiction, but I liked it. I would always mess with her by slapping her ass or making smart-ass comments, and she would give it back to me times ten. I’ve never met someone, besides Dani, to give as good as she got. It was like a breath of fresh air. You know how it is, having girls paw at you, do whatever it takes to jump on your dick, but not her. We became friends. I could talk to her about anything and not have to worry about putting on this tough guy act, or worry about her getting clingy. She could care less about my cut and what it could give her. The day before she ran, we slept together. It just kind of happened, but I had no idea how innocent she was, man. The way she’d act when I was messing with her, I never even thought there was a possibility that she was a virgin. Afterwards, I tried to talk to her about it, but she completely shut down on me. I thought it was probably just best if I left it alone and let her talk to me about it when she was ready, but when I came into work the next day, all that was left from her was that note.” That’s bad fucking luck. I had no clue that him and Harlow where getting close, not even as friends. Shows how much I’ve been out of the fucking loop.
Fighting Destiny (Forsaken Sinners MC; Book 2) (Forsaken Sinners MC Series) Page 14
