When Love Dies

by Francine Pascal

  The more Elizabeth considered it, the more she liked the idea. She would talk to Jeremy about it as soon as she got off her break.

  Jessica glanced at the clock. “Got to go,” she chirped. “Miss North will have my hide if I’m late.”

  “I’m glad to see you’re finally taking your job seriously,” Elizabeth remarked coolly.

  “I can’t get fired now,” Jessica said, “or I may never get the chance to make it up to Jeremy.”

  Elizabeth shook her head as her sister rushed off. The sooner she talked to Jeremy, the better. She got up, crumpled the cellophane wrapper from her cookie, and tossed it into the wastebasket.

  Elizabeth was making her way down the corridor when she spotted Carl, the orderly, watching her from a doorway. A shiver rippled up her spine. Why was he staring at her like that? It gave her the creeps. The same thing had happened the week before, on her second day at the hospital. Several times she had had the feeling of being watched even when her back was turned. Once, she had whipped around quickly and had caught the flash of a white coat disappearing around a corner. She was almost certain it was Carl, but it made her nervous.

  Even so, she made an attempt to be friendly. One of the nurses had told her that Carl was a real loner. He lived all by himself on the edge of town. As far as anyone knew, he didn’t have a friend in the world. Elizabeth couldn’t help feeling a little sorry for him.

  She forced herself to smile at him. “Hi, Carl!” she said as she walked past the doorway.

  Immediately he dropped his gaze and mumbled something that could have been “hello.” His face had turned a dark, mottled red.

  Elizabeth quickened her step. She had gone no more than a few yards past him when she could once again feel his gaze burning into her back. She fought the impulse to break into a run. This is really silly, she told herself. Looks never killed anyone.

  What could he possibly do to her?

  * * *

  On Friday of that week Elizabeth was filing patient records for Mrs. Willoughby, the head nurse on Second Floor East, when Jessica came bursting into the office bearing an enormous bouquet of roses. Her cheeks were flushed with excitement.

  “Look what Jeremy gave me!” she cried. “Wasn’t that sweet of him? Somebody from the TV station sent them over, so he let me have them. Liz, I can’t believe it! I think he actually likes me!”

  “Maybe he’s just allergic to roses,” Elizabeth teased.

  Jessica glared at her. “You’re just jealous because he didn’t give them to you.”

  “I’m absolutely green,” Elizabeth said calmly.

  “Don’t try to deny it,” Jessica went on, not even looking at her sister. “You know he likes me better. He even asked me today if I had a boyfriend.”

  “You’re right, Jess. It must mean something. He never asked me that.”

  “I know you’re going to say I’m imagining this whole thing,” Jessica babbled on. “But I honestly do think he likes me.”

  Elizabeth smiled. “That’s nice.” She slid a rubber band around a batch of index cards.

  “Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You think he’s too old for me. I’m only sixteen, and he’s at least twenty-five. But everyone knows girls mature faster than boys. It’s a fact.”

  “Absolutely.”

  Jessica frowned. “Of course, Mom and Dad won’t see it that way. They’d probably forbid me to go out with him or something medieval like that.”

  “True love will find a way.”

  “So that’s why I’m counting on you not to breathe a word of this to them.”

  “My lips are sealed.”

  Jessica stared at her. “You mean it? You really won’t tell them?”

  “Promise. Cross my heart.” With an index finger Elizabeth traced an X across her chest.

  “Elizabeth Wakefield, you’re the best!” Jessica threw her arms around her sister, roses and all.

  “Ouch!” Elizabeth cried as she was stuck by a thorn. But Jessica was already rushing out the door. She couldn’t wait to call her friends and tell them the big news.

  Nine

  Later that day Elizabeth stopped at Jeremy’s room. He was reading a magazine when she walked in. Looking up, he broke into a wide grin.

  “Hi, Liz. How’s it going? What’s the latest with your sister? Any news on which way the hurricane is blowing?”

  They had agreed upon using “hurricane” as the watchword for their conspiracy against Jessica.

  Elizabeth giggled. “I think the winds are favorable. She went crazy over the flowers you gave her.”

  “Never let it be said I don’t know how to win the heart of a fair lady,” he joked. “Besides”—he gave a mock grimace—“it’s purely self-defense on my part. I know your sister means well, but if she doesn’t stop showering me with attention, I may never get better!”

  “I know what you mean. Jessica has a tendency to, uh—overdo things sometimes.”

  Jeremy chuckled. “I’m an old ham myself, so I know what it’s like. I didn’t get on TV by accident.”

  Elizabeth glanced at her watch. “Well, I guess I’d better get going. There’s a new patient in two-twenty-seven. The nurse says she’s a girl my age. I thought it might help if we talked. I know how lonely it can get being in the hospital.”

  “You’re an angel!” Jeremy called to her as she was leaving.

  “I just hope Jessica doesn’t find out about any of this,” Elizabeth responded, “or I may end up getting my halo bashed in!”

  On her way down the corridor, Elizabeth spotted Carl, the orderly. She hurried past him, unable to shake the uneasy feeling that he was watching her out of the corner of his eye. She didn’t think she was imagining it, but she hadn’t mentioned it to anyone yet, not even Todd. What was there to tell? A person couldn’t get arrested just for looking at someone.

  Elizabeth forgot about Carl, though, the instant she walked into Room 227. She froze in her tracks, staring at the girl in the bed.

  The new patient was Tricia Martin!

  Elizabeth could hardly believe her eyes. Tricia looked so pale and fragile under the fluorescent lights that Elizabeth could see the faint violet tracing of veins at her temples. She lay very still, her chest barely moving as she breathed. An IV was taped to her arm. Suddenly Tricia’s eyes fluttered open.

  “Oh!” she gasped.

  In a flash Elizabeth understood everything. Tricia never had a sick friend. She herself was the mysterious sick “friend” they had talked about. Elizabeth wondered why she hadn’t realized it before. Undisguised by the loose dresses and thick sweaters she had worn at school, Tricia’s slight frame looked gaunt and bony under the thin hospital shift. Against the backdrop of white linen, she was as pale as death.

  Abandoning her cart, Elizabeth rushed over to her bedside. She seized Tricia’s hand—it was so cold! “Oh, Tricia, why didn’t you tell me you were sick? What’s wrong with you?”

  In a ragged whisper, Tricia replied, “I have leukemia, Liz.”

  Tears filled Tricia’s eyes, but she was struggling not to give in to them. She kept her lips tightly clamped together and swallowed hard several times. A single tear escaped to trickle down her cheek.

  “H-how bad?” Elizabeth managed to stammer past the rising lump in her own throat.

  “I’m—I’m not going to get better.”

  “Tricia, no!” Elizabeth cried in shocked disbelief.

  But looking at Tricia, she knew it was true. There was an expression of hopelessness in her eyes that couldn’t be denied. Elizabeth could no longer hold back her own tears. They streamed down her face as she hugged Tricia. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

  Tricia tensed, her expression tightening. She shot Elizabeth a look of agonized determination. “I don’t want Steve to know.”

  “But you can’t keep it a secret!”

  “Oh, he’ll find out in a few months. But by then it won’t matter so much. He won’t be in love with me anymore. Don’t you see? It’s bet
ter this way.” She gave a deep, shuddery sigh of resignation.

  Elizabeth shook her head slowly. “You’re wrong, Tricia. Steve would want to know.”

  Softly, but with that same fierce determination, Tricia repeated, “It’s better this way.” She said it in a manner that sounded as if she’d spent a lot of time trying to convince herself of it.

  “You can’t do this,” Elizabeth pleaded. “Steve wouldn’t want you to go through this alone. He loves you. He’s miserable without you!”

  “He’d be even more miserable if he knew the truth.”

  “But that’s different! At least you’d have each other.”

  Tricia smiled wistfully. “For a little while.”

  “Isn’t that better than nothing?”

  “For me, yes,” she said. “Not for Steve. He’s the one who’ll be left behind to pick up the pieces. No, Liz. I can’t do it to him. I love him too much for that.”

  Elizabeth was overwhelmed with admiration for Tricia. Yet at the same time, she knew without a doubt that what Tricia was doing was wrong. Horribly wrong. Her decision would hurt Steven even more than if he knew the truth. Elizabeth was certain of it.

  Tricia clutched at Elizabeth’s hand. “Promise me you won’t tell anyone—especially not Steve.” Her eyes blazed from the shadowed hollows of her face. “Promise me, Liz!”

  Elizabeth dropped her gaze. She stared down at the scuffed linoleum floor. “I promise,” she said miserably.

  “I knew I could trust you.” Tricia beamed as she wiped the tears from her cheeks with a corner of the sheet. “In a funny way, I’m glad you know. Someday maybe you can tell Steve—a long time after I’m gone—that I really did love him. But then it won’t matter so much. It’s just that … I’d like him to know. Will you do that for me?”

  Elizabeth was too choked up to speak, so she simply nodded. There was so much she wanted to say. She wanted to tell Tricia how sorry she was—and how glad she was to know her. But she couldn’t seem to get the words to come out of her mouth.

  Tricia seemed to have read her mind. “Please don’t feel sorry for me,” she said. “It was terrible when I first found out. I didn’t want to believe what the doctors were telling me. But it’s not so bad anymore. I’ve accepted it. It’s strange, but whenever I used to think about dying, it really scared me. I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen to anybody.”

  “And it isn’t?” asked Elizabeth.

  “No,” Tricia said with a sad little shake of her head. “Living without love is worse than dying.”

  Elizabeth dabbed at her eyes with a balled-up tissue she’d fished from the pocket of her uniform.

  “What about your family?” she asked. “How are they taking it?”

  Tricia shrugged resignedly. “I don’t think they’ve really accepted it yet. They’re still talking about cures. Deep down they know, but it’s a hard thing to admit. Yesterday I caught Papa looking through an old album of my mother’s pictures. I could tell he’d been crying. I felt terrible. He depends on me so much. I worry about how he’ll get along without me.”

  “It won’t be easy for Steven either,” Elizabeth reminded her gently.

  A look of pain crossed Tricia’s face. “He’ll get over it. You’ll see. It’ll be easier for him this way. Just remember your promise, Liz. I’m counting on you.”

  “I—” She opened her mouth to tell Tricia that she didn’t see how she could ever keep such a terrible promise, but she couldn’t say no to the look of pleading on Tricia’s face.

  At that moment, one of the nurses walked in.

  Tricia pressed Elizabeth’s hand one last time. “Goodbye, Liz. And thanks for caring.”

  For the first time in her life Elizabeth realized how final the word goodbye could sound.

  Ten

  Elizabeth drove home in a stupor, hardly aware of Jessica’s chatter beside her. She was too wrapped up in her thoughts about Tricia. If only there were some way of convincing Tricia what a terrible mistake she was making by not telling Steven! But she seemed so sure that what she was doing was right, even though it was obviously causing her tremendous pain. Elizabeth wished she could confide in her brother, but that was impossible, too. A promise was a promise, no matter how much she regretted making it.

  “Elizabeth Wakefield, you haven’t heard a single word I’ve said!” Jessica’s scolding tone broke through her dazed thoughts.

  “Huh?” Elizabeth glanced over at her sister. “Sorry, Jess. I guess I had my mind on other stuff.”

  “What could be more important than this?” Jessica demanded petulantly. “The biggest celebrity in Sweet Valley is actually interested in me! Isn’t that just the most fantastic thing you’ve ever heard?”

  Elizabeth had forgotten all about Jeremy Frank. “Oh, that. Sure. I’m really happy for you.”

  “You don’t sound as if you are. What’s with you anyway? Ever since we left the hospital you’ve been acting like you’re hypnotized or something. What gives?”

  “Nothing,” Elizabeth lied. There was no use dragging Jessica into this. Besides, Jessica was never any good at keeping secrets.

  “You’re not still mad at me because I fixed Steve up with Cara, are you?” Jessica asked.

  Elizabeth sighed. “I just think you should have stayed out of it, that’s all.”

  “It was for Steve’s own good,” Jessica insisted. “He was too stubborn to make a move, so I just gave him a little nudge.”

  “More like a big shove,” Elizabeth said.

  “Well, it worked, didn’t it? He’s forgotten all about Tricia now that he’s got Cara.”

  Elizabeth frowned as she turned into their driveway. A tiny worm of fear uncurled inside her stomach. Could Jessica be right? Was Steven really getting interested in Cara? It didn’t seem possible, but then Steven had been terribly hurt. He was an easy mark for a rebound relationship. All she could do was pray that Jessica was wrong.

  * * *

  The next week was misery for Elizabeth. In school she could hardly concentrate on what the teachers were saying. Homework was a total washout. Whenever she opened a book, all she could see was Tricia’s sad, brave face. She kept hearing her voice: “Promise me you won’t tell Steve.”

  But that promise was tearing her apart. How could she just stand by and do nothing while two people she cared about were suffering? Every instinct told Elizabeth that Tricia and Steven’s breakup was wrong, yet she hated the idea of going back on a promise. It was Tricia’s decision, after all. Did she have the right to interfere?

  Making matters worse was the rumor that had been going around that Tricia had a new boyfriend. Elizabeth knew it wasn’t true, but apparently there were a lot of people who believed it. On Friday Elizabeth was on her way to her locker between classes when she was accosted by Caroline Pearce, one of the biggest gossips in school.

  “I saw you talking to Tricia Martin out on the lawn last week,” she said, her sharp eyes a contrast to the preppy primness of her neat red hair and plaid shirtwaist. “Did she say anything about her new boyfriend?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Elizabeth muttered, trying to brush past her. But Caroline hung doggedly beside her.

  “She probably just didn’t want to tell you because of Steven. Lila said he looked older, so maybe he’s a friend of Steven’s. Hey, wouldn’t that be something!”

  Elizabeth turned to give Caroline a cold look. “It’s all a bunch of dumb gossip,” she said.

  “Blame it on Lila,” Caroline said with a shrug. “She’s the one who started it. She said she saw them together.”

  “I don’t believe it.”

  Caroline sniffed haughtily. “I don’t see why not. Tricia’s a Martin, after all. I wouldn’t put anything past a Martin—including going out with her boyfriend’s friend behind his back.”

  This was too much for Elizabeth. Bristling, she confronted Caroline. “For someone who talks a lot, you don’t know very much!” she snapped, leav
ing Caroline to gape after her in openmouthed astonishment as she stalked off.

  Despite her burning cheeks and the tears that stung her eyes, Elizabeth felt good to have finally told Caroline off after all the times she’d had to listen to her snobbish remarks. The trouble was, Caroline wasn’t the only one who was prejudiced against Tricia because of her family. Look at the way Jessica felt. It was so unfair! Elizabeth thought. If only they knew what Tricia was really like, how sweet and wonderful she was. If they knew about the sacrifice she was making, they’d be ashamed.

  Elizabeth was digging into her locker when someone touched her elbow. It was Enid Rollins, her best friend, and at this moment a very welcome sight. Enid’s cheeks were pink, as if she’d been running. Her large green eyes sparkled with excitement.

  “Guess what? I did it—I got an A on my chemistry quiz! I was so afraid I wouldn’t make it. You know how tough Mr. Russo can be, treating us all as if we’re budding scientists and—” Enid stopped to look at Elizabeth. “Liz, what’s the matter? You look like you’re about to cry. Did you and Todd have a fight?” she asked quietly, remembering the last time Elizabeth had looked this upset—the time she and Todd had almost broken up.

  Elizabeth shook her head mournfully. “I wish that was all it was.”

  “Come on, we have a few minutes before our next class.” Gently Enid steered her friend over to one of the benches that lined the corridor. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

  Elizabeth moaned. “I can’t. It’s a secret, and I promised I wouldn’t tell.”

  Enid was far too discreet to pry. She only nodded in sympathy. She knew what it was like to have secrets. And that was what friendship was all about—understanding and trusting, even when you didn’t know all the facts.

  “Are you sorry you promised? Is that what’s bothering you?” Enid asked as if she’d read Elizabeth’s mind.

  Elizabeth buried her face in her hands. “Oh, Enid, it’s all wrong! Everything. I never should have promised. How can a secret be any good if it’s destroying the people it’s supposed to be helping?”