Her eyes widened like an owl’s as she dashed toward me—careful where to put her bare feet on the bracken-littered ground—and snatched it from my grip. “Where did you get this?”
Spinning it in her hands, she pulled out the pin holding the ribbon from unravelling and compared it to the one wrapped around her fingers. “Oh, my God. It’s the same. Mine is faded and marked, but it’s the same colour.”
I chuckled, loving her disbelief. “My longest secret. I’ve had that since I was fourteen. I’m guessing there’s only a few years left before it runs out.”
“What? How?”
“We were living at Polcart Farm, remember? I’m not sure you will, seeing as you were so young—”
“I remember,” she interrupted. “I remember Snowflake, our cow, and the TV channel with the puppets.”
I ignored the squeeze of my ribcage and sharp stab of my heart as I recalled Della bouncing in front of the TV with her chubby toddler legs growing each year to an adorable little girl chasing after Snowflake in the field.
A crest of simple affection and absolute unconditional love made me feel wretched and wicked all over again for thinking of her in the ways I did now.
Squeezing the back of my neck, the enjoyment of sharing my secret faded somewhat. “You were four. That ribbon of yours was falling apart. It tore in half one night when you were learning how to tie a bow around my arm. My ears are still ringing with how loudly you cried.”
Her shoulders rounded. “I don’t remember that.”
“It’s because I never told you that particular story. I didn’t want you to think your ribbon was an imposter.” Pinching the wheel back, our fingers kissed and I stroked her softly. “I adored how much you loved that silly piece of blue. And when you finally went to sleep with your face all blotchy from screaming and your breath all short from bawling, I snuck out to find you a new one.”
“Where did you go?”
“Into town. It took all night to find a house with two old folks, a man who liked to tinker with cars in his garage and a woman who liked to scrapbook and had a room full of ribbons, buttons, beads, and stickers.” I smiled sadly, remembering the treasure trove of stuff that Della would’ve adored. “I wanted to steal everything for you, but I only took what was most important. It wasn’t a perfect match. But it was close enough.”
Holding up the ribbon, I let memories paint my voice. “That night, I took the two torn pieces of your ribbon, measured out a new length the same, then spent the rest of the darkness hours doing my best to make the bright blue of the new one look as weathered as yours. I stomped it into the gravel on the driveway. I dragged it through mud and washed it semi-clean. I crumpled it and abused it until it didn’t look so perfect anymore.”
I shrugged. “You woke up the next morning panicked, tears already welling, but I told you it was just a bad dream. That nothing had happened to your ribbon. See? There it was, intact and looped through your hair. The relief on your face, Little Ribbon.” I sighed. “It was worth the sleepless night and dirt beneath my nails to be able to take that sadness away. I didn’t know what it was like to love something that fiercely—not until you came along—and I didn’t want you to know what loss felt like. Not then. Not when you were still so young.”
Tears welled in her beautiful blue gaze, tumbling down her cheeks like the babbling river behind her. “I had no idea.”
“Why would you? I never told you.”
“But…how did I never notice?”
“Because I didn’t wait four years to give you a new one next time. Every year, a few days after our birthday, I’d cut a fresh strand, rub and fade it, then swap it while you were sleeping. Sometimes, the blue was brighter, and you’d study it as if confused. But you never thought to ask why.”
Her arms came up, her fingernails scratching my scalp as she grabbed my hair and yanked me down to her mouth.
Her kiss wasn’t soft with desire. It was sharp with gratefulness.
Born from innocence, tainted with confusion, but wholeheartedly flavoured with love. Deep, blistering, endless fucking love.
“I didn’t think it would be possible to care for you any more than I already do,” she murmured against my mouth. “You’ve just broken my heart, Ren.” She kissed me again, mixing salt from her tears.
I wrenched back, fear icing my insides. “What?” Grabbing her biceps, I demanded, “Why would you say something like that?”
She hung docile and crying in my hold. “Because you were always so damn selfless. You always put me first. You sacrificed everything you could for me. You would’ve done anything I asked, and it wasn’t enough.”
Swiping at her tears, she growled as if furious with herself. “It wasn’t enough that I was your everything. I wanted more. I wanted no other woman to have you. No one ever to own your heart. I was so selfish compared to you, and I made you unhappy in your own home. I pushed and pushed you. I dropped hints I knew you would refuse to acknowledge. I never thought about how I made you feel. All the while, you were replacing my ribbon every year because you loved me so—” She couldn’t finish, her tears coming fresh and fast.
Crushing her to me, I kissed her brow, her hairline, her ear. “Caring for you was the easiest thing I’ve ever done, Della. Raising you was the best thing I’ve ever achieved. I’m so fucking honoured to have had that privilege.”
Pushing her away a little, I bowed my head to stare hard into her eyes. She needed to hear this, and she needed to hear it now.
Before I did what I could never undo.
Before I broke the final filament of my self-control.
“I might have been selfless when it came to you, but I promise you I am no saint. I’m hungry, Della. So fucking hungry, and I need you. But you need to know that the Ren you know—the boy who would kill himself if it meant keeping you safe—that Ren has a flaw. His selflessness comes at a price.”
Her gaze danced in mine, desperately fishing for what I struggled to tell her. “What price?”
“I don’t think I can be that selfless anymore.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“You’re not getting it.” I dug my fingers harder into her arms. “When it comes to sex, I’m not…gentle. I only think of myself.”
Heat drenched her eyes, making the blue turn to sapphires. “I’m glad. You deserve to put yourself first for a change.”
I shook my head, sharp and quick. “You still don’t understand.”
“I don’t need to understand.” She ripped herself out of my hold, swooping up to kiss me again. “I need you to show me.” Her lips bruised mine, her tongue tasted me, and her breathless beg undid me. “I wasn’t going to do this. I promised myself I wouldn’t push you again. But please, Ren. Show me. Don’t be so nice to me. I need you to do that.” She kissed me harder, wetter, faster. “Please.”
Fuck.
I very nearly snapped.
I attacked her back, kissing her brutally, swept up in her pleas, drowning beneath vicious desire, but…just like a couple of nights ago when she’d slept stiff in my arms as if unused to being touched by me, we weren’t ready.
I was hungry; that wasn’t a lie. But beneath my hunger lurked childhood memories just waiting to pounce and condemn me. Under no circumstances did I want to feel sick while making love to Della the first time.
I hadn’t told her my flaws to give myself permission to treat her without care or attention. I was selfish, yes, but then again, I’d never had sex with Della, and I wanted it to be different.
I wanted it to be special.
I needed it to be the best goddamn thing we’d ever experienced, and until I was mentally more stable and Della more trusting that I wasn’t going to run again, it would be a mistake.
Her tongue stole into my mouth, licking away the remaining shreds of my willpower.
She made sleeping together seem like the easiest thing in the world, while it felt like the hardest thing I’d ever have to do.
I kissed he
r back—I couldn’t help myself—but my thoughts tangled once again, taking the sting out of the whip of urgency.
We’d spent our entire lives together.
And, if I had my way, we’d spend the rest of eternity.
There was no rush if I never planned on letting her go.
I couldn’t rush.
Because I hadn’t fully come to terms with this.
I hadn’t found a truce between the old me and the future me. The brother and the husband. And I needed to because it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if I didn’t.
“Della…” I groaned as she hooked her leg over my hip, doing her best to climb me.
“Kiss me back, Ren.” She licked my bottom lip before sealing her mouth on mine again. “I want you. Now. Please.”
“Christ…” I melted and hardened and wanted so damn much to give in to her. I might have spent a lifetime looking out for her, but she’d mastered the art of commanding me. Whatever she asked for, I found it extremely hard to deny.
But this…it had to be right.
“Stop, Della.” Grabbing her shoulders with harsh fingers, I put distance between us, making her stagger back before finding her balance. Her face was wild and wistful and tugged on every heartstring I possessed. “Not tonight.”
“Why not?”
“Because I need more time.”
“To do what?” She blew a curl from her eyelash in a frustrated puff. “To torture yourself a little more?”
I scowled. “No, to find peace. To accept the fact that I have so many memories of you at every stage of your life, and to find a way so they don’t drive me insane when I finally do let go.”
“I know those are legitimate concerns, and I understand because I understand you…but you need to get over that, Ren.” Swatting away my hands, she crossed her arms. “The past isn’t going anywhere. It’s always going to be a part of us.”
“I know. But do you honestly want me to take you when I’m not emotionally ready?”
“I don’t think we will be ready until we’ve had sex.”
I coughed, hating the need in her voice. She’d always been braver than me—always willing to leap before looking. But I wasn’t wired that way. I hadn’t had that privilege when raising a kid at barely ten years old. “Well, I think it would be rushing if we did it now.”
“And I think we’re just tormenting ourselves by waiting.”
“Unfortunately for you, it’s not your choice.” I stood to my full height, glaring her down. “Don’t push me until I’m ready, Della.”
“Push you? I’m trying to help you!” Her arms uncrossed only for hands to plant on her deliciously curvy hips. “You’re turning sex into this huge thing, when really, it’s just an act.”
“Just an act? Is that what this is? A quick fuck to you? How stupid of me to treat it as the biggest thing in my life. I didn’t know I was just some guy you wanted to screw to get out of your system.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Do I? You’re the one getting mad at me for being honest.” Once again, our romantic moment spiralled into a fight.
Were we always destined to clash?
I didn’t remember fighting this much before. I didn’t like it then, and I despised it now. But I wouldn’t bow to her temper. No matter how much my body agreed with her to get it over with.
Sex between us shouldn’t be a ‘get it over with’ kind of thing. It should be the best fucking thing in the world.
My anger swirled hotter, annoyed she couldn’t see that sleeping with her was something I never believed I could have. It was the one thing I didn’t feel worthy of. The one gift I didn’t know how to take. And to have her give me permission so flippantly, well, it hurt.
It killed, actually.
She cheapened it when I wanted it to mean so much.
“You said you’d be patient,” I said coldly.
“I did. But I also said I’d be frustrated.” She sighed again, looking up at the purple slashed sky as if beseeching perseverance. “God, I’m sorry, Ren. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, yet here I am making a mess of everything again.” Her voice softened, regret tightening her eyes. “You call yourself selfish…but look at me.” She chuckled a little. “Okay, you need more time. How much time?”
“I don’t know.”
“But it won’t happen tonight?”
“No.” I shook my head firmly. “It won’t.”
“Can’t blame a girl for trying.” Her shoulders slouched. “Ugh, I’m being a bitch.” Rubbing her face, she moaned, “Forgive me, Ren. I don’t know what came over me. I just…I thought we’d come out here, and I dunno…act like a pair of bunnies.” She shrugged with a roll of her eyes. “I should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy. I even understand why it’s not that easy, so just put this moment of weakness down to the fact that I’m madly in love with you, and it’s taking everything I have to keep my hands to myself.”
I laughed quietly. “Madly, huh?”
“Completely.” She smiled shyly. “Utterly. Totally.”
“I’m madly in love with you, too.”
“Now you’re just teasing me.”
A small smile tilted my lips, glad our fight had vanished, leaving us drained but connected. “There’s plenty of time for that. Teasing. Kissing. Fucking. I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you.”
“Well, a girl only has so much patience before she goes a little crazy.”
“You’re already crazy. Crazy for me.” Moving closer, I pulled her into another hug, loving the familiar simplicity, grateful she swooned into me. “Believe me, Little Ribbon, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Saying no to you when you’re so damn beautiful and willing? God, it’s pure agony.” I nudged her chin up with my knuckles, staring deep into her eyes. “But when I take you, Della. I want my mind to be clear. I want to be with you, not the past. I want to fully accept us, not feel torn between right and wrong.”
Kissing her softly, I murmured against her lips, “When I’m inside you, Della Wild, I want to only have one thought, and that’s how much I fucking love you.”
She sighed into our kiss, snuggling closer. “When you say things like that, I can be patient. For just a little longer.”
And she was.
For a few more days, at least.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
REN
* * * * * *
2018
SEVEN DAYS SHE gave me.
One week to accept the unacceptable and change our entire relationship.
We didn’t end up swimming that night; the river was too shallow, but we did manage to bathe and wash a few pieces of clothing. Although I wasn’t ready to sleep with her, it didn’t stop my eyes from roaming over every inch as she soaked herself in the swift current.
I’d stupidly blocked myself from finding the best pleasure in the world, but I clung to the hope that when I finally did let go, it would be entirely worth it.
That night, we slept in just our underwear, sandwiched together in the tent, nuzzling and kissing as if we’d always been so close. I loved that each time we kissed, it was a little easier, my mind a little quieter, my heart a little less confused.
In the morning, as we packed up our camp and headed back on the trail, I grabbed her and pressed her against a tree. My hands roamed to her breasts as I kissed her hard, driving myself against her, drowning with a sudden crippling need to take.
Her moan snapped me out of what I’d done purely by instinct.
Backing up, I waited to be persecuted beneath memories of Della as a baby and Della as a child. But…nothing came.
No sick sensation. No regret. Only awareness that, for the first time, it’d felt perfectly normal to grab and manhandle her because I wanted to, and she was mine.
There was nothing wrong with that.
In fact, there was everything right, and I froze because I’d held her, kissed her, and touched her—in ways I never thought I could—and not once ha
d my thoughts tried to ruin me.
My capacity for change had finally started, and the sick sensation was taking a back seat to the rapidly growing lust I struggled to control.
“You can do that again…if you want.” Della smiled behind a golden curl, her lips still pink from my kiss.
“If I do, I won’t be able to stop.”
She groaned, “Say that again and I won’t be able to stop.”
Taking her hand, I chuckled. “Patience is a virtue.”
“Not when it’s making my heart work overtime and my body behave like a horny cat.”
Tugging her into a walk, I chuckled. “A horny cat? I have no idea what that feels like.”
She gave me a dirty look. “Oh, really? You want me to believe you’ve never felt like you want to jump out of your skin at the barest touch. Never wanted to scratch someone or pick a fight just so you can be attacked and have it lead into the roughest, sexiest moment of your life?”
I stared at her dumbfounded.
I’d known Della was passionate—I’d seen her kiss other men, for God’s sake—but maybe my waiting wasn’t just about putting the past in the past and accepting our new dynamic, but also about figuring out who she’d be in bed before I got her there.
Was she like me?
Was she aggressive or tame?
Did she expect our first time to be beneath a blanket of stars with gentle snuggles and sweet missionary, or did she secretly crave what I did?
A messy, filthy, violent affair that left us bloody and oh-so-fucking satisfied?
Letting her go, I stepped in front of her, following the narrow animal track. “I’ve been many things, Della, but I can’t say I’ve been a cat.”
More like a wolf.
A starving one.
Clearing my throat from thoughts full of thrusting and wetness, I said, “Let’s get going. Think you can keep up?”
She snickered behind me. “Think you can keep avoiding this subject for much longer?”
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