by Bryce Oakley
And why shouldn't she be?
She was getting so much attention for her song and for their "relationship" that Pia was having a difficult time believing she hadn't orchestrated the entire event. She even had the nerve to be wearing a very cute sundress with a cut out at her waist, her dark skin looking positively gorgeous against the light fabric.
"Thanks for coming," Pia said.
"Funny, you usually say that to me at the end of the night," Zoey said, smirking.
Pia grinned despite herself, letting Zoey in. Zoey awkwardly shuffled past Pia as if she didn't know whether they should hug or kiss or... shake hands politely.
"I figured neutral ground would keep the paps away," Pia said, glancing out the door before shutting it.
"Good thinking. What is this place?" Zoey asked,
"My old home," Pia said.
Zoey's eyes widened as recognition dawned on her face. "Oh, did you live here with Elle?"
Something painful twisted inside Pia at the way Zoey said her wife's name.
Pia cleared her throat and nodded. "Do you want a glass?" She asked, gesturing behind her to the bottle of wine on the countertop and the single glass beside it.
"Um, sure," Zoey said, sitting down on the couch.
Pia walked to the kitchen island and poured the wine.
"I'm truly sorry about today being kind of a... surprise. I wasn't totally expecting that to happen, either. Is that what you wanted to talk about? You seem upset," Zoey said, stumbling over the rush of her words.
Pia nodded, handing her the glass and sitting in a chair opposite her. "Yes, Zoey, that's why I'm upset," she said.
"Well, talk to me about it so that we can figure it out together," Zoey said.
“I’m interviewing Elle’s mother in a week on the show and I can’t be making headlines about having a fling with a much younger woman. Do you understand what that looks like?” Pia said, her eerily calm voice surprising even herself.
Zoey’s eyes widened. “I didn’t know,” she said. Recognition dawned on her face. “The guest you’re terrified to interview… you mentioned it back at the party when we first met and made me guess, but I never found out.”
Something tugged at Pia’s heartstrings hearing Zoey’s memory of something she had said seven months ago. She willed herself to be stronger.
“You didn’t know. I’ve been trying to keep that part of my life separate from you, but that’s not right. This interview is really important to me,” Pia said. “I have to maintain a certain appearance in order for the segment to land, and it has to land.”
Zoey nodded solemnly. “I wish you had told me,” she said.
"Tell me the truth. Why did you say it?" Pia leaned forward, her stare trying to pierce through to Zoey's soul.
"Well," Zoey said, fidgeting with the hem of her dress. "I... I panicked."
"You didn't look like you were panicking," Pia said calmly.
"I had to act like that," Zoey said. "And I framed it so that people are talking about the song again instead of us."
"No, they're talking about the song in order to talk about us," Pia said, raking a hand through her hair. "Do you think that my PR team is stupid?"
Zoey shook her head. "No," she said warily.
"Do you think that I pay people who don't know what they're talking about?" Pia said.
Zoey lowered her gaze to stare at something on the dark hardwood floor. "No," she said.
"Well, then you should fucking listen to them when they tell you the strategy to take," Pia said.
"Easy for you to say," Zoey said, her brow snapping together. "You came out so long ago that it's one of the least interesting things about you."
Pia raised her eyebrows in surprise. "What does that even mean?"
"It means that all of this is new for me. I don't want to spend my entire promotional tour talking about my sexuality or who I'm dating or... or you. I've worked my ass off to make this record even come to fruition, and I want people talking about the music," Zoey said, her voice growing more ragged the angrier she got.
"Did you orchestrate this entire thing?" Pia said through gritted teeth, gesturing between the two of them.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Zoey said.
"No. Tell me the truth," Pia said.
Zoey's eyes widened with surprise. "You kissed me. And then you pursued me, remember? The wine cellar, eating pho, Nashville... You chased me."
Pia shook her head, feeling more confused than ever. "I just have a hard time believing you're not benefitting from this," she said, her voice sounding cold and miles away.
"Then you don't know me at all," Zoey said. "I came here because I thought this time could be a sanctuary — that you would be a sanctuary. Away from all the press and our PR teams and everyone telling us what to think."
Pia set her glass down, leaning forward so her head was in her hands. "I don't know what to think," she said.
Zoey stood, maneuvering around the coffee table between them. She knelt between Pia's knees, as though she was begging.
"You know me," Zoey said, her eyes large and pleading.
Pia stiffened, leaning back, wary.
"I came here because I don't know what the whole sexuality thing is all about, but I do know that I want to be with you. I want to really try to make this work. I want an us. As far out of the spotlight as you need. And then, when we're ready, we can figure out all the premieres and parties," Zoey said, tears welling in her eyes. She stared up at Pia, her hands resting on Pia's knees.
Pia didn't know what to say. How could she say yes? And how could Zoey waltz in there and think things were going to just work out like some fairy tale?
Pia scrubbed her hands over her face.
How could Zoey not see that everything had changed? Because of her mistake, everything had changed.
Zoey tugged Pia's hands down, holding them in her own.
"Say something," Zoey said, her brow creasing in worry.
"What do you want me to say?" Pia whispered, unable to stop herself from lacing her fingers through Zoey's.
Zoey squeezed her eyes shut. "I want you to say you feel the same way," she said.
"It's not that simple," Pia said, her throat tight and thick as she felt the beginnings of her own tears sting behind her eyes.
"It is," Zoey said, her voice cracking as opening her glossy eyes again as tears began to trail over her cheeks.
"I don't know," Pia wavered. Her entire body hummed with the nearness of Zoey. Every single part of her wanted to lean forward, to wrap Zoey up, and to tell her yes.
But that was before.
And now, Pia didn't know what to believe.
Even if she had pursued Zoey — and she absolutely had — the woman could have found her own advantage in it.
"Why now?" Pia asked, her voice barely audible. "Yesterday, you were definitively claiming you weren't gay, and now you want to be with me?"
Zoey shook her head, pulling their hands to her chest. "I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm trying not to overanalyze it. I want what I want," she said.
"But how can I be sure you won't regret this?" Pia asked, sniffling and wiping at her eyes.
Zoey reached up, cupping Pia's hands in her face. "You used to trust me," she said.
"I want to, but..." Pia's voice trailed off.
But she was terrified.
Nothing compared to the feeling of having her heart ripped out before, after Elle's death. She had taken years and years to sew up the hole in her chest. And then she had already ripped open the stitches so readily for Zoey, but for weeks Zoey had left a gaping hole in her chest by asserting that they were just friends.
It was Pia's own damn fault.
Zoey moved on her knees, pressing her forehead to Pia's. "I can't lose you," she said, her voice strained.
Maybe it was the nearness. Maybe it was the wish that everything was different.
Maybe it was the hope that everything Zoey was saying would work out.
>
Maybe it was the acceptance that it wouldn't.
Whatever it was, when Zoey leaned in to brush her lips over Pia's, she couldn't fight the sheer need that consumed her.
They had incredible chemistry, and their kisses had always shown that. Possessive kisses, playful kisses, kisses that lasted for hours...
But this was an entirely different type of kiss.
And by Zoey's reaction, she felt it, too.
Yet...
Zoey wound her arms around Pia's neck, and Pia held Zoey as she leaned forward until they were both lying on the rug.
Zoey's hands on her, once a familiar and welcome feeling, were frantic as they pulled off Pia's shirt. Pia reached up Zoey's skirt, not even bothering to remove her underwear before touching her, desperate to get back what they once had, desperate to stave off the loss of it.
Zoey's hips rose to welcome her touch and Pia barely broke contact with her to remove her shirt.
She lay down beside her as Zoey tugged down her pants, and they were rapidly naked in a flurry of limbs and clothing.
"I need you," Zoey whispered, pulling Pia closer to her.
Pia entwined their legs, pushing her thigh between Zoey's. She needed that complete connection. She needed Zoey's entire body against hers, she needed to use Zoey's body for her own pleasure, and to have Zoey use hers, too.
It was fucked up, but in her urgent and desperate need, it was all she had.
Confusion, then recognition dawned on Zoey's face as their hips began to move against one another's thighs. Pia had both arms wrapped around Zoey, holding her tightly, their entire bodies together in contact.
"Pia, please," Zoey begged, her arm tightening around Pia as she pressed urgent, biting kisses over Pia's jaw and neck.
Pia found her release, and soon after, Zoey shattered around her, her cries and moans echoing through the house.
The moment Zoey came back to earth, Pia's chest clenched in regret.
What had she done?
What the hell was she thinking?
Was that the last time she’d hear Zoey’s moans of pleasure?
"I know what that was," Zoey whispered, sniffling again, her head tucked beneath Pia's chin as they both came back to earth.
Pia swallowed hard, not answering her.
Freya's warnings, Eva's threats, and Kelly's conspiracies came racing back into her mind.
Why in the world had she just complicated everything by having sex with Zoey one last time? What was it about Zoey that drove all logical thought right out the door in favor of a moment of pleasure?
Regret clawed at her throat from the inside and she pressed her lips into a thin line to avoid giving in to the sobs that threatened to rack her body.
"I can't be that for you," she said finally, her voice slicing the silence between them like a knife.
"You can, but you won't," Zoey said softly, pushing up onto her elbow.
"No, I won't. Not right now," Pia said.
"'Not right now?'" Zoey repeated, as though the words felt funny in her mouth. "What does that even mean?"
"It means I think it's best if we don't see each other again," Pia said, maintaining her voice clearly.
Zoey looked as though Pia had just slapped her across the face. "You fuck me on the floor and then tell me to leave and not call you again?"
She needed Zoey to leave. To leave her alone.
She needed space to figure it all out.
And what better way to ensure that than with one last hard, terrible push?
"Wasn't this always just about sex for us?" Pia said calmly, sitting up to pull her shirt over her head.
"No. Don't do that," Zoey said, her face darkening. "Don't say shit like that. I know you don't believe that. You're just scared."
Pia stared down at the rug between her feet, unapologetically silent.
"So, I'm going to leave. And you're going to regret saying that to me. And when you get the fuck over yourself, you know where to find me."
Zoey's tone made her very soul ache with the knowledge of how much damage she had done.
She watched Zoey get dressed and leave, the door shutting behind her.
What self-destructive monster had she become in the past hour? She reached for Zoey's untouched wine, holding it for a moment before tipping the glass to her mouth and swallowing it in one gulp, not even enjoying the taste.
Chapter Thirteen
Zoey
The bass pounded in Zoey's chest, rattling all of the bones and the hollow place beneath them.
Her eyes were closed, her arms in the air as she swung her hips to the beat.
It felt so good to feel outside of her body.
She wanted to be anywhere but inside that dark, cavernous void that had taken over her insides since the day Pia had kicked her out.
She didn't even blame her for that anymore.
Zoey had fucked up. She had seen the tabloids go wild after her interview. She knew exactly why Pia thought that she had done that on purpose.
She had made a huge mistake, and now she was paying for it.
It had been two weeks.
Two weeks wasn't a long time.
And it wasn't even real love, so it'd be even easier to get over.
At least, that's what she told herself.
Perhaps when she accepted herself for who she truly was, then the pain would start to subside.
At least, that's what her new therapist had said.
But how could she accept a nameless thing? Some kind of queer, anomalous identity she had a hard time capturing, as if it was floating just slightly higher than she could reach at all times.
What better way to forget all of that, forget all of herself, than with a dark club and loud, bone-rattling music?
She welcomed the heat, the way sweat dripped down her neck and chest, how anonymous bodies pressed against hers.
She leaned into them, trying in vain to erase the feeling of Pia's hands on her.
"Do you want another drink?" Domino yelled above the music.
She nodded, her eyes still closed.
Somewhere in the same room were Domino, Meg, Sabrina, and Sabrina's old roommate, Isla.
They had taken her out to a lesbian club several times now in an effort to get her to wash her hair and change out of pajamas.
Sure, she was still doing promotions for the new album, but they were less fun than they used to be.
PR had to submit lengthy "Do not ask" documents before any interview, and Zoey knew that every journalist really, really wanted the inside info on the true story.
Domino turned off Zoey's personal Google alerts and put a filter on what websites she could no longer access — TMZ, People, Us Weekly... Zoey even found Jezebel blocked earlier that morning.
Sabrina had come over to reorganize her closet, which had actually been a wonderful couple of days.
Meg and Isla had shown up on her doorstep with three bottles of wine, a tin of weed brownies, and a list of cheesy Hallmark movies that they stayed up for hours watching, freely yelling at the television about how love was a lie.
Even Billie had come over, silently hugging her on the couch and listening as Zoey recounted the things she loved and missed about Pia.
"I know, but you have all of those traits in your friends," Billie said.
"Except for the sex," Zoey groaned.
"Yes, well, except for the sex," Billie said, petting her hair gently.
She was so lucky to have them. To be surrounded by love and light and fun. Billie and Domino had gone through periods of breakups in their current relationships, and she hadn't been half as understanding in those cases.
But that's what differentiated her from Billie and Domino. They thought they had broken up with their partners, but then they got back together. They both found light at the end of the tunnel.
Zoey's darkness was much more of a cave than a tunnel.
No way out, just cold, wet dark, slowly closing in.
A body moved ag
ainst hers, an arm snaking around her middle.
With her eyes closed, she imagined Pia's breath on her neck as her hips pushed into whomever's body it was.
"Okay, that's enough of that," Domino said close by.
Zoey opened her eyes as Domino reached for her, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her away.
"Wow, fun police," Zoey groaned as they left the dance floor.
"Yeah, you say that, but you didn't see the creep you were just grinding on," Domino said.
Zoey shrugged. "I don't care," she said.
"I know that's not true," Domino said, sitting her down on a plush sofa.
"Remember when I got real drunk on this sofa?" Sabrina said, laughing as she sat next to Zoey. "That's the night I fell for Domino."
"Love is a lie," Zoey yelled emphatically, a sweet smile on her face, raising to toast the glass of water that Sabrina had subtly slipped into her hand.
"Did I just hear our Single Girl Squad motto?" Meg called out, appearing out of nowhere with Isla close behind.
Isla clinked her glass against Zoey's. "Wow, you're rowdy as fuck, and I'm here for it," she said, giggling.
Domino rolled her eyes. "Honestly never thought in my life that I'd be one of the responsible people in this group," she said.
"Aw, baby, did love make us boring?" Sabrina said, laughing.
"Love makes you boring," Zoey yelled, raising her glass again.
Meg and Isla cheered, clinking their glasses once more.
"That's a good one," Meg said.
The club photographer came to their spot, gesturing for them to get closer for a photo.
"Sorry, we don't want it," Domino said, not turning.
"But it looks like such a fun girl's night out," the photographer said, turning to where Zoey sat.
"You think my pain is fun?" Zoey said dramatically.
The photographer left shortly after.
"Wow, you're really leaning into this," Sabrina said, lifting an eyebrow.
"Do you guys want to go dance and scream at the top of our lungs during the loud parts of the song?" Zoey said.
Sabrina and Domino exchanged a startled look.
Meg threw her hands in the air. "Hell yes, I do," she yelled.
"Zoey?" Someone asked from behind Domino.
