by Ray White
1.Pleasure vs. Happiness - The first concept of the book is about understanding the difference between pleasure and happiness. Pleasure comes from external stimuli like food, pay raises, and playing Xbox. Happiness is an internal feeling of contentment, satisfaction, and fulfillment. We need both in our lives, but pleasure has strings attached: too much pleasure can take away from happiness rather than add to it.
2.Taking Control of Your Life - The second concept covers taking control of your life. Science shows that you can choose to be happier and can implement actions that will make you happier. Understanding that you are not a victim of your circumstances, but rather that you are in control of how you feel and the choices you make, empowers you to take actions that will lead to happiness and success.
3.Positive Relationships - The third concept we cover is positive relationships. Other people are an enduring part of our lives, and our ability to build positive relationships with them, no matter what their faults and mistakes are, is a key to our happiness and success.
4.Higher Purpose - The fourth concept is finding a higher purpose. We want to matter and make a difference in the world. Identifying and living our higher purpose helps us focus our efforts on something bigger than ourselves.
5.Defining Success - The fifth concept we cover in the book is defining success, which leads off our discussion about how to become successful. You can’t reach success if you have not clearly defined what it is.
6.Clarify and Prioritize - The sixth concept is clarifying and prioritizing. Once you have defined success you have to decide what takes priority. What are you going to do every day, and what are you going to stop doing?
7.Implement with Discipline - The seventh and final concept is implementing with discipline. Neither happiness nor success can be achieved without making choices daily that will move you forward on that path. Success and happiness are about what we do every day.
Our goal for this book is to help you understand how happiness and success are connected and provide specific actions you can take to become happier and more successful on a daily basis. Let’s get started by learning the differences between happiness and pleasure.
Chapter 2
Pleasure vs. Happiness
The first concept in connecting happiness and success is understanding the difference between pleasure and happiness. Are you chasing immediate pleasures like sex, decadent foods, couch time, and video time; or are you nurturing relationships, maintaining your health through diet and exercise, finding ways to improve yourself, and being thankful for what is working in your life? The pursuit of pleasure involves feeling good in the short term, and if overdone it can create a risk of negative long-term outcomes; in contrast, the pursuit of happiness consists of intentional activities and habits that promote long-term health and well-being.
Many people mistakenly chase pleasure, believing they are chasing happiness. They often end up unhappy and confused. They become victims of the Hedonic Treadmill: they experience pleasure and then the feeling fades; so they do more to experience more pleasure, but the feeling fades again. No matter what level they take their pleasure to, it only gives them short-term joy; and they eventually end up back at the same level of happiness where they started. By distinguishing between pleasure and happiness, we can help people find something that lasts, a happiness they can call on in good times and bad. We can help them get off the Hedonic Treadmill and create habits that can productively lead to the happiness they are searching for.
Something to note before we get too deep into this discussion: pleasure is not inherently bad. Pleasure is actually one part of happiness. The goal is not to avoid pleasure. As a matter of fact we should seek pleasure. The challenge is moderation. How much pleasure is too much and when is pleasure connecting us to happiness vs. disconnecting us from happiness? To answer these questions, we need to know the difference between pleasure and happiness.
Defining Happiness
Let’s start by exploring what we are talking about when we say “happiness.” Happiness means many different things to many different people. Our focus is on happiness as a higher-level pursuit or achievement. Several authors and philosophers have captured this concept:
Mathieu Ricard, a Buddhist Monk with a degree in Molecular Genetics, and author of the book Happiness says “Happiness is more than a mere pleasurable sensation. It is a deep sense of serenity and fulfillment. A state that pervades and underlies all emotional states and all the joys and sorrows that can come one’s way.”
Mahatma Gandhi said “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
Gandhi also said “Man's happiness really lies in contentment.”
Robert Ingersoll stated “Happiness is not a reward – it is a consequence.”
Deepak Chopra said “Happiness is more than a mood. It’s a long-lasting state that is more accurately called well-being.”
Wayne Dyer, a self-development author and speaker, explains that “Happiness is something that you are and it comes from the way you think.”
Margaret Lee Runbeck, another author, wrote “Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.”
Over two thousand years ago, Aristotle proposed that “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.”
George Sheehan, a doctor and author, wrote “Happiness is different from pleasure. Happiness has something to do with struggling and enduring and accomplishing.”
And finally, John B. Sheerin said “Happiness is not in our circumstances but in ourselves. It is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire. Happiness is something we are.”
They all describe happiness as something that is within you, something that you create, rather than something that comes from external forces.
What is happiness?
1.Happiness is a feeling of contentment, satisfaction, and fulfillment.
2.Happiness is a sense of inner peace vs. external restlessness.
3.Happiness is an on-going state of well-being vs. a fleeting experience.
4.Happiness is a state of mind, rather than an event or activity.
5.Happiness includes bad as well good experiences.
6.Happiness is internal and not a victim of external experiences that we can’t control.
7.Happiness is created, not received.
8.Happiness is within our control.
Defining Pleasure
So if happiness is an inner state of well-being that can be created, what is pleasure? To oversimplify, pleasure is an activity that makes you “feel good now.” Pleasure is different from happiness in that, instead of being created within and by you, it comes from outside stimuli. You get pleasure from an event, activity, or occurrence that generates positive feelings. Eating a good meal, buying something nice, playing Xbox, or watching a movie can create pleasurable sensations. Because pleasure comes from outside stimuli, it is short-lived and limited to the timeframe during and immediately after the activity occurs. Pleasure is also different from happiness in that we quickly adapt to the level of pleasure an activity provides, and we need more and more of that activity to provide more pleasure.
Pleasure is subject to a phenomenon known as Hedonic Adaptation, or the Hedonic Treadmill. In other words, a person gets accustomed to the activity creating the pleasure; and in order to experience continued pleasure, the level of the activity has to be elevated. Video games are a great example of this phenomenon: there are always more levels to advance to, so the game is constantly changing and becoming more difficult. How fun would a game be if there were only one level, with one degree of difficulty? Personally, my kids gain a lot of pleasure from playing video games, but I've noticed they can’t play the same game at the same level for an extended period of time. The challenges of the game have to be constantly increased. They want more and more challenging levels; or they want to break their previous records; or, even better, they want to
switch to more realistic game experiences.
Many of us believe that once we get that {fill in the blank: car, house, boyfriend, money}, that is all we’ll need or want. We will not want anything else. Has that ever really happened for you? How long after you bought your new car were you ready to buy another one? How about that girl in high school— the one who, if she would just go out with you, all your dreams would come true? Did that work out? What about the beliefs that “if I can just graduate college, or if I can just get that first job, or if I can just get a promotion, or a raise, then I will be happy”? After those things happened, you were probably happy, even giddy for a while. But soon you returned to your normal level of happiness. This principle can also apply to more dangerous situations, such as drug addiction. The first time a person tries a particular drug, he only needs a little to get an intense reaction. But his body adapts quickly; and the next time he needs a little more, and the next time even more. His body continually adapts and needs more of the drug (or a more potent drug) to get the same feeling.
Over the centuries, our ancestors survived and prospered because of their amazing ability to adapt to changing circumstances. This is great when conditions are negative, such as in harsh climates or with limited food sources. They adapted so they would survive and not be miserable. They adjusted to the new normal and began looking for ways to flourish. The trait works similarly when conditions are good. Rather than being happy and comfortable with warm weather and plenty of food, they adapted to those comforts and looked to add more. Their brains were wired not to settle completely so they wouldn’t become overly comfortable and stop trying to make things better. This trait we inherited pushes us to always get better, and to continue to evolve and move.
Unfortunately, it can also work against us now that we have all the comforts human beings could need. We are still trying to evolve, so we keep adapting, even to the great things in our life. When we encounter pleasure, chemicals in our brain are released that make us feel very good and make us want more. We instinctually look for ways to repeat and increase that level of pleasure. We are programmed to want more rather than to be grateful and satisfied with what we have. We find something pleasurable, and we adapt to it and want more. This is the basis of Hedonic Adaptation and the reason many of us run on the Hedonic Treadmill.
One of the most famous and surprising studies about Hedonic Adaptation was done in 1978. It showed that whether a person had won the lottery or became a paraplegic, as quickly as two months later, that person had returned to the level of happiness experienced prior to the event. It also showed that often, over the long term, the paraplegics actually became happier. The lottery winners quickly adapted to their new mansions instead of apartments, and champagne instead of beer. They had no way to move up after a series of initial improvements. The champagne was top of the line and the beer didn’t taste as good anymore. Going back to a job paying $30,000 per year held no interest for someone who had won millions of dollars in the lottery.
The paraplegics, on the other hand, reached rock bottom. Every movement was new and appreciated. They had nowhere to go but up. Every day brought a new challenge, and overcoming each challenge brought joy and confidence that built on itself. The happiness came from overcoming lots of challenges and running into and overcoming roadblocks that they could face because of their experience in winning tiny battles in the past.
Winning tiny battles and overcoming obstacles builds self-confidence that can’t be easily undone. If you appreciate and celebrate what you have accomplished, the next bigger challenge seems more doable. This creates a virtuous circle of success that builds on itself. Your ability to experience happiness over time becomes stronger. That is why older people and people who have experienced significant trauma in their lives tend to be happier. They have been through the trials and tribulations that strengthened their confidence, provided perspective, and gave them a reservoir of memories and successes to call on whenever life presents negative challenges.
One other reason lottery winners are not as happy as people might expect is related to activity in the brain created by earning a reward instead just being given the reward. Researchers at Emory University measured brain activity when subjects had to complete tasks to earn money vs. when they were just given envelopes of money with no effort required. The subjects who worked for their money showed significantly more activity in the pleasure centers of the brain, and these effects lasted much longer than those in the subjects who received money without expending any effort. It seems the Science of Happiness supports what grandfathers everywhere have believed and taught for years about money: “I get my money the old-fashioned way. I earn it.”
Hedonic Adaptation also explains why the standard of living in the US has gone up 250% in the past 50 years, while the average level of happiness has not kept pace. We are adapting to the nicer houses, cars, and general consumerism faster than we can earn more money to buy bigger and even better stuff.
Pleasure, by definition, is something that is positive. If it is negative, we call it pain. Happiness, on the other hand, includes both positive and negative events. Happiness does not mean everything is always good and we are always wearing rose-colored glasses. Happiness is experiencing negative events and emotions and knowing that we can get through them and come out okay. It is also knowing how to get through those tough times, knowing how to use our minds and our memories to make the best of our current situations. People who have developed the skills for happiness are aware of something my mom has always said: “This too shall pass.”
Another important point is that we can experience pleasure even when we are not happy. Again, drug use and alcoholism are clear examples. Addicts experience short-term pleasure when they indulge, even though they are often depressed, or at least unhappy. As soon as they sober up, a potential inability to deal with the present situation can cause them to jump back into chasing the quick pleasure again and again.
As an analogy, buying art is a pleasure. Putting it in your house and looking at it is pleasurable. Becoming an artist is more like happiness. You have to work at it. You can’t buy it. It is not something you can get from outside of yourself. It can only happen if you spend the time and cultivate the skills necessary to become an artist. The small but important difference in becoming an artist and becoming happy is that talent may be a requisite to be a successful artist, while truly anyone can be successful at finding happiness if he or she is willing to put in the time and acquire the skills.
Let’s do a quick review of the differences between pleasure and happiness:
Happiness Pleasure
Internal External
Ongoing Present during the pleasurable activity
Builds on itself Subject to Hedonic Adaptation
Lasting state Temporary state
Way of thinking Often an impact to the senses
No Limits Too much can become addictive and disconnect you from happiness
Includes negative events Defined as positive
Includes dealing with the pain Attempt to avoid pain
Includes Pleasure Can occur without happiness
Within our control Dependent on external factors
Chapter 3
Real Life Examples of Pleasure vs. Happiness
"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment." Unknown
To illustrate the differences between pursuing pleasure and pursuing happiness, let’s take a look at the days of two young men I know, Dylan and Kyle.
Dylan opens his eyes from a rough night’s sleep and decides to roll over and stay in bed. He doesn’t have any pending commitments or any purpose for getting up. It's almost noon; and since he went to bed at 2 am, he has already gotten almost 10 hours of sleep. When he finally does crawl out of bed an hour later, it is because he is hungry and has to go to the bathroom. As he walks to the bathroom and then the kitchen, where dirty dishes are piled high, he has to weave throug
h a maze of pizza boxes, candy wrappers, and empty soda cups. His apartment is a small one-bedroom in a low-income, high-crime part of town. (Actually, it’s his girlfriend’s apartment; she's just letting him stay there because he has overstayed his welcome with, or not followed the rules of, various family members and can no longer live with them.) Dylan’s girlfriend Cindy has already left for work, so he grabs a piece of stale, cold pizza and sits down in front of the TV. After a few hours of thumbing through the five local channels he has reception for, he gives up and pulls out the Xbox. Dylan’s girlfriend can’t afford cable so he is stuck with whatever local channels are provided free of charge and his Xbox for entertainment. The Xbox is great. Cindy was surprised when it was delivered to their front door. He told her his mom sent it. He didn’t want her to find out that he had maxed out her emergency credit card. He even had to use her cell phone to order it online, since they don’t have Internet access for the apartment.
If he could afford Internet service, Dylan would log on and apply for jobs, though there are actually several challenges with applying for jobs. He had a slight brush with the law, and every application he fills out requires him to disclose it. He hasn't had a lot of success applying for jobs; it seems that he can’t really make it past the first interview, if he gets called in for an interview at all.
He doesn’t have a car or a driver’s license, and there aren't a lot of jobs within walking distance. Lastly, he's not overly keen on doing some types of menial labor. It's just not what he enjoys. All of these excuses sounded reasonable when he first started looking for a job and before he had flunked out of college because he just didn’t want to do the homework. But now, three years later, his friends and family don’t seem to accept them as readily as they used to. They also mention, or even insist, that his hygiene and weight challenges may be a partial cause for his lack of interview success. He is still amazed how someone like himself, who can barely afford food, can still be 100 pounds overweight. He mostly drinks Cokes and eats pizza or hamburgers and fries.
