by E. L. Todd
He dropped his hand from his hair and rested it on his knee.
I crumpled up the bag and coffee cup. “Bye, Arsen.” I stood up and headed to my door.
Arsen rose then came beside me. “I want to talk about us now.”
I gave him a serious look. “I don’t. Now goodbye.”
“No.” He put his hand against the doorframe, blocking me from walking inside my apartment.
“Arsen, just leave me alone.”
“Silke, I know I made a mistake—”
“Shut up,” I hissed. “We’ve had this same argument a hundred times. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m ending it with you. I’m done.”
He flinched at the sting of my words. “Done with me?”
“Done.” I gave him a threatening look before I pulled his arm down. “Now leave.” I walked inside then shut the door.
Once I was alone, the silence deafened me. I was so pissed at Arsen, but in a sick way, I wanted him to still chase me. If I was being blatantly honest and open, I wanted him to chase me forever. I would never feel anything like this for anyone else. Why did I have to fall for a man I could never really have? Sometimes I hated myself for my stupidity.
The door clicked and shook behind me. When I turned around, I saw the handle move and a crack emerge. “I locked that for a reason,” I hissed.
He came inside then locked the door behind him. “I want to talk.”
“Just because you want something doesn’t mean you get it.”
“I’m sick of blowing up your phone every day and trying to corner you when you’re at school or out with your friends. I want to talk about this now. You can yell at me and hit me, but you can’t make me go.” He stood his ground and stared me down. Even in his day old clothes, he looked handsome. His jaw was clenched tightly and his eyes shined like ice crystals in the sun. When I looked at the way his jeans hung low on his hips and the strength of his chest, I just wanted to curl up with him in bed and forget everything entirely.
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at my TV, trying to act like I was really over him. “I’m sick of you pushing me away every time we get close. Just when we make astounding progress, you take off.”
He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I know…”
“You keep saying you hook up with other girls all the time and I don’t mean anything to you. I always thought you were lying but now I’m unsure.”
His eyes were glued to mine and he didn’t look away.
I waited for him to answer the question I never asked.
“You’re the only one.” His voice was quiet and low.
My heart fluttered in my chest and my stomach tightened. It was the response I’d wanted to hear for so long. I thought I was right, but with Arsen, I could never be sure. I tried to hide my reaction and pretend to be indifferent to the revelation. It was difficult. “I can’t keep going back and forth like this…”
He put his hands in his pockets. “I understand.”
“I know you’re such a good guy underneath all that bullshit you throw at people. You have a heart of gold, and you’re nothing but a softy. Knock off the drugs, the lies, and everything else.”
He lowered his gaze and stared at the ground. “Silke, you’re the only person I’ve ever met that’s ever had anything nice to say about me. Everyone else thinks I’m a low-life jerk. They assume I’m not going anywhere and I’ll never amount to anything. And they’re right.”
“No, they aren’t,” I whispered.
“I love that you see the best in me when no one else can. But Silke, you’re wrong. I will never be what you want me to be. As long as you understand that, we can try to have a more…conventional relationship.”
“We do have a conventional relationship,” I argued. “But you try to sabotage it left and right. I haven’t gone anywhere so what makes you think that will ever change? Just let me in, Arsen. Damn it.”
He sighed then ran his fingers through his hair. “Honestly, where do you see this going? What kind of life could you possibly have with me?”
“I don’t know…life is too unpredictable to have any expectations.”
“Answer me,” he said firmly.
I hadn’t put much thought into it. I’d always focused on just having a relationship to begin with. And I couldn’t answer his question truthfully, at least not without freaking him out. “I don’t know…but I know we would be happy.”
He shook his head slightly then rubbed his chin. “Silke, this is what will happen. You’ll finish college and I’ll be proud of you. You’ll get a job that you love making a nice salary. What will I be doing? Selling weed. When we get serious, you’ll introduce me to your parents. I can tell you right now they won’t like me. You’ll fight with your family and eventually push them away. Then you’ll ostracize the people you love—for me. I can’t give you a family because kids are non-negotiable. A life with me is a dead-end in every respect. And that’s just an optimistic impression. In reality, we’ll constantly be struggling because I have too many issues for even a therapist to fix. Silke, I’m no good for you.”
The doubt weighed on my heart. When he painted a picture like that, it made me feel hopeless. “That’s just one reality. So many other things could happen. You could get a job—a real one. Maybe you could be a mechanic or sell motorcycles. The possibilities are endless.”
His eyes darkened. “I’m not employable, Silke. I’ll tell you that right now.”
“You would be if you tried. And my parents wouldn’t dislike you—as long as they knew you loved me.”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah right. They wouldn’t want their Harvard grad daughter to be with anyone less than perfect. They’re probably pretentious snobs just like everyone else.”
I flashed him a look of menace. “Don’t talk about my parents like that. You don’t even know them.”
He scratched the back of his neck.
“My dad is a tattoo artist. He’s been doing it since he graduated high school. He has no education but he opened up his own business and he’s been doing it ever since. He inks gang members and lowlifes but he’s still the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He would never judge you for being different. Of all people, my dad understands that not everyone is endowed from birth. So don’t insult my family like that ever again.”
Regret shined in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“You should be,” I hissed. “We can have any future that you want, Arsen. But I’m not going to lie. You’ll have to work to make that happen.”
He crossed his arms over his chest.
“And I know you’ll do everything you can to keep me.”
His eyes zoned in on my face. He studied me wordlessly, his thoughts hidden in his eyes. “Silke…I’ve never met anyone like you. And I’ve met a lot of people from a lot of different places. The moment I laid eyes on you, I wanted you. And the moment you opened that annoying mouth of yours, I never wanted to let you go. You’re the only thing in my life that makes me happy. Everything else just makes me want to put a pistol in my mouth and blow my brains to bits. You’re the kind of woman I didn’t think existed. You’re patient with me and see the light inside me when everyone else sees a black hole. I keep trying to push you away because I need to do the right thing…at least once in my life. But the selfish part of me comes out and wants to hoard you until the end of time.”
It was the first time Arsen ever confessed his feelings for me. He always pretended I was meaningless to him, that I had no value. There were times when he gave me a special look, and I knew what he was thinking. But never before did he actually admit to any of those truths. They were words I longed to hear. Words I’d hoped were real. And the fact he finally said them made my walls come down. The anger evaporated. “We can do this, Arsen. Don’t push me away anymore.”
He ran his fingers through his hair again and sighed. “I’m scared…”
“Don’t be.”
“I’m scared if I give this a chance, I’ll
hurt you even more.”
The words filled me with dread. “Why would you hurt me?”
“Because there’s a lot you don’t know about me, Silke. I sell weed and lurk in the shadows for a reason. I have skeletons in my closet. Secrets I want to take to the grave. If you knew them, you wouldn’t want me anymore.”
I didn’t know what he was hiding, but I knew it was something bad. Arsen was a good guy, but that didn’t mean he’d always been that way. But I knew it wouldn’t change the way I felt. Maybe he did things he regretted, but he wasn’t like that anymore. I had faith in him. “I’ll always want you, Arsen. Nothing you say will change anything.”
He didn’t come closer to me. His eyes darted to the ground as he processed what I said. “I’m a monster.”
“No, you aren’t,” I said firmly.
“You don’t know anything about me.” He shook his head slightly. “If you did, you would run.”
“Try me.” I took a step forward. “Tell me everything and I promise I won’t go anywhere.”
He seemed tempted by the idea. But then he closed off again. “If I tell you, you’ll leave. And like I said before, I’m selfish. I want to keep you as long as I can.”
“You aren’t selfish. You just need me as much as I need you.”
He flinched slightly at my words and his eyes changed. Emotion passed through like a bolt of lightning. It happened so fast and so suddenly that I wasn’t sure if it even happened. Arsen seemed to be at a loss for words.
“Now stop finding reasons to push me away. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I haven’t done anything to deserve such trust, especially from you.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “You always take care of me even if you try to act like you don’t.”
“No, I don’t,” he argued.
“Last night, you took me home and made sure I was safe. Then you stayed all night and brought me breakfast. That’s just one instance. What about the night you stayed outside my apartment and watched Hunter bring me home, needing to know I got here safely?”
He seemed startled by my words. “I don’t know what you’re talking about…”
“I saw you, Arsen. Don’t lie to me. You’re horrible at it.”
He clenched his jaw and didn’t deny it again.
“You’re always looking out for me, putting me first. You try to cover it up with your lies and stories but they never work. You watch me sleep, you listen to me when I vent after having a bad day, and you’re always there for me when I need you. Face it, Arsen. You are my rock.”
He stepped back and ran his fingers through his hair, clearly uncomfortable that I noticed all those things.
“Arsen, it’s okay. Stop pretending to be indifferent to me.”
He paced the living room then faced the wall, closing off from me.
“Is it really the end of the world that I know you care about me?”
He was silent for so long I didn’t think he would answer. “It scares me…”
I took a step closer to him. “It doesn’t scare me.”
“It should. For the first time in my life, I have someone who cares about me despite all my darkness. But the fact you’re such a wonderful and beautiful person makes it difficult. If I let you care for me, I’ll hurt you.”
“No, you won’t.”
He shut his eyes for a long time. “You only know a sliver of me, a part of me at this moment in time. There is so much more you don’t want to know.”
‘Then tell me,” I said firmly. “Tell me everything. Then you’ll know if I stick around or not.”
He closed his eyes again then bowed his head. “I’m not ready to…”
I didn’t press him on it. I was sure it would be terrible but it was something we could get through together. Judging by the way he was, I knew he had a hard life. I was fortunate enough to have everything I needed in life. I never worried about having a home where I felt safe. Arsen was a reminder that not everyone had what I had, and when my parents were annoying, I should remember that. “Beast?”
His eyes opened in response to that name. “Beauty?”
“I’m yours and you’re mine. Okay?”
He nodded his head slightly.
“Now let’s take it one day at a time.”
He took a deep breath. “Okay.”
“Don’t pull that shit anymore. I won’t put up with it. I mean it.”
He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I understand.”
I came closer to him until my chest was pressed to his shoulder. I moved my face against his cheek then closed my eyes.
His arm moved around my waist and he held me close to him.
“I missed you so much…”
His arm tightened around me. “I haven’t slept in two weeks.”
“Then let’s go to bed.”
He turned his face and pressed his lips to my forehead. “You know I don’t want to sleep.”
I didn’t either. I missed him emotionally, but also physically. Whenever we made love, everything was better. It was just he and I and nothing else existed. The spiritual connection between us was what I loved most. Our souls touched, and when I felt his, I knew he was pure. “Neither do I.”
He lifted me from the ground and pulled my legs around his waist. Then he carried me down the hall to my bedroom. Once he laid me on the sheets, he moved on top of me and rubbed his nose against mine. Whenever Arsen didn’t think about all the obstacles we faced and how impossible our relationship was, he lived in the moment. Those were the times I cherished, the ones I replayed in my mind when I thought about him.
He positioned himself over me but didn’t kiss me. He stared into my eyes like he was afraid he wouldn’t get another chance. His eyes searched for something inside me, something I couldn’t understand. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Chapter Eight
Theo
I fist-bumped Gerald when I walked inside the dojo studio. “How was your weekend, man?”
“Good. How was yours?”
“It was alright.” I fucked Blondie again. She was good in the sack, but annoying at every other time. If I wasn’t horny and in need of something cheap and fast, I would have tried harder to land a different chick.
He tied his gloves around his hand. “That new chick Alex is awesome.”
My skin immediately prickled with unease. When anyone mentioned her, I was instantly annoyed. The students loved her the second she walked in the door, and everyone was so fond of her. But if you asked me, she was a brat with a bad attitude. I ignored her whenever I was around her, and she did the same to me. The last conversation we had made me despise her. The fact everyone loved her made it worse. “Yeah…”
“I heard through the grapevine she kicked your ass.” Gerald smirked and didn’t bother hiding it.
My head immediately snapped in his direction. “She did not!”
He shrugged. “That’s not what I was told.”
“She’s a liar,” I hissed. “She failed to mention the part about me not hitting her because I’m a nice guy.”
He laughed. “She wasn’t the one who told me.”
“Then who did?” I demanded.
“Chan.” Another laugh escaped his lips. “Apparently, she made you hit the mat three times.”
I slammed my fist onto the counter. “It was only twice.”
Gerald was enjoying this immensely. “If it’s more than never, then it’s too many.”
I wanted to strangle her. She just waltzed into my studio and took it from me. Now everyone thought I was a lesser man because of the rumors. My students didn’t respect me as much, and the boys teased me for it. “I went easy on her. I let her take me down.”
He shook his head. “Not what Chan said…”
“What does he know?” I snapped.
“Uh…a lot.” He raised an eyebrow. “Since he’s the founder of this dojo.”
“Whatever,” I hissed.
Gerald
clapped me on the shoulder. “Maybe you should take a shot of liquor to cool off or something.”
I marched away and headed to the staff locker room. I was stomping everywhere I went, the anger emitting off me in waves. Every time I pictured Alex’s face, I wanted to scream. She was such a pain in the ass. She really didn’t bother correcting the rumor? She knew I went easy on her. She had to have known. How arrogant was she? She really thought I was that easy to defeat? Where was her integrity?
I headed to my locker then pulled out my Gi
“Don’t worry. I come in peace.”
I turned and saw Alex reaching for her bag. It was on the bench beside me.
The only words I wanted to say were too harsh, so I looked into my locker and ignored her.
She sighed. “We’re going to work together for a while so maybe you should just be a man and try to make an effort…you know…since you weren’t a man before.” A grin stretched her face.
Was this a joke? Did she just insult me? First she let people think I was weak, and then she rubbed it in my face. What the hell was wrong with her? There were a million cold things I wanted to scream at her, but I kept my mouth shut. Even though she was rude to me, I still couldn’t be mean to her. I just felt too guilty. I forced myself to look back into my locker and get ready.
“Come on, Theo. I was just teasing you.” She put her hands on her hips and smiled at me. “Let’s get a drink after work. I’ll buy.”
“Leave me alone.”
“Loosen up, man.”
I slammed my locker closed and glared at her. Before I said something I would regret, I looked away.
She rolled her eyes. “I’ve met a lot of men who are insecure about strong women, but you have to be the worst.” She turned around and walked off.
I watched until she disappeared down an aisle. My blood was pounding in my ears, and rage was consuming me. I grabbed my gi and got dressed before I did something stupid.
